Thursday, August 15, 2013

Fight For Your Life




FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE (AKA I HATE YOUR GUTS)
Directed By Robert A Endelson. Starring William Sanderson, Robert Judd. (1977)
Review By Graham Rae

There are some movies that can really reaffirm your faith in humanity. You leave the viewing with a spring in your step, knowing that at heart humanity is basically good, right always wins, right makes might, might conquers wrong, and all is really hunky-dory in the occasionally-too-demented-seeming world.
      Fight For Your Life is not one of those films.
      Hell no.
      FFYL tells the torrid tall tale of Kane (William Sanderson, who played JF Sebastian in Blade Runner; he has great fun with his nasty role here, alternating between chewing scenery and providing moments of real pain and pathos and poignancy), Chino (Daniel Faraldo) and Ling (Peter Yoshida). On the way to the pokey after being sentenced in New York, they escape from the prison van (to a rump-jumping funky soundtrack by Jeff Slevin – available on Fire Sign Records, according to the end credits, but nowhere to be seen on the net) after it nearly crashes into an escaping bank robber’s getaway car(!), and they commandeer the parked car of a cacklin’ black mack slappin’ his wack-ass bitch for purloined smack.
      We learn about the villains through the ingenious device of having announcements about their vices crackle through the police radio of the main cop who will be pursuing them, the Irish-cop-cliché-named Reilly (David Cargill; one of several wannabe-thespians in this film whose acting careers seemingly disappeared straight down the toilet after it), and his sidekick Hamilton (Richard Rubin). Chino, looking like a twitching Tom Savini, has been banged up for 75 years for assault, manslaughter, and first-degree murder. Ling, a truly evil and creepy turdcutter, has been done for three counts of child beating, two counts murder in the first degree, and two counts of arson.
      And a partridge in a pear tree.

OK! WE GET IT!
      We get it, they’re mad and bad wee bastards. But southern-born-and-inbred Kane (note the appropriately Biblical-murderous name) is the real evil shite in this group, and we know this because they don’t announce him over the radio. No sir, that ignominious lower level of dramatic entry is only for the lesser bastards he escaped with. Reilly nips over to prison and meets a former cellmate of Kane’s, who, smirking, tells him that the group’s ringleader is a murderer who kills for the fun of it, and a rapist who rapes for the, eh, fun of it too. And he fights dirty. Now we know what we’re up against. Unease stirs easily and teasingly in our violence-voyeur bellies.
Ted Turner
       The plot thickens and sickens as we get introduced to the Turners, a peaceful black family with deacon Ted (yes, Ted Turner, played by Robert Judd) preparing his next sermon about the meek inheriting the earth. His round-12-years-old son Floyd (Reginald Bythewood) quotes rhymes like Muhammad Ali and throws faux boxing moves around, being chastised by his father and being told that “strength isn’t everything.” Black-power-loving Grandma Turner (Lela Small) isn’t into all this turn-the-other-meek-cheek “pile of nonsense” and loudly lets this be known. Of course, this being the film it is, we know that this ideological schism in the family will soon be being tested to the limits; the brush strokes being used are very broad and we can see the picture starting to emerge already.
      There’s another interesting wee bit of character development here, though, too. Mother of the family Louise (Catherine Peppers) laments the fact that “that white girl” is coming to dinner. The derided Caucasian in question is Karen (Bonni Martin), who dated the eldest Turner son, Val (Ramon Saunders), and when he was killed in a car crash after a rendezvous (shown in a ‘taboo’ interracial sex scene) with his white beau it soured relations with some of the family.

Taboo?
      Meanwhile, back at the ranch, our anti-hero zeroes have filled up with gas at a Texaco station (doubt the company would allow their name to be featured so prominently in a film featuring this material now) and stabbed the shit out of the attendant to a bad and melodramatic soundtrack overture for good measure. Well, it beats paying for their gas-guzzling pimpmobile, as the owner, whose clothes they stole for some reason, never had any money anyway. Reilly is hot (well, lukewarm) on their trail, getting regular bulletins on who’s getting dispatched from the flat-voiced female dispatcher.
I said Huggies not Muggies
      He’s soon hearing about a liquor store clerk who gets shot by Kane during a robbery at a place the cons stop off at. The maniac even menaces the store owner’s baby with his (empty) gun for fun, in a nasty scene that shows us that he basically has no limits. As is discovered by eldest Turner daughter Corrie (Yvonne Ross), who just happens to be in the liquor store during the robbery to buy wine, saying she needs “a white for dinner.” Well, she gets a white for the meal, and a Mexican and an Asian for good measure, when the escapees kidnap her and take her back to the Turner family home until the heat on them cools off a bit and they can steal the family car to further their escape.
      At the same time, in the woods near his home, Floyd is playing with his white pal Joey (Devid Dewlow), who is Hamilton’s son. They cut thumbs and become blood brothers. Horsing around, Joey falls over and calls “hot dog,” which is their Hardy Boys-like-level-of-complexity code phrase for “real emergencies only” and not “crapping around.” The tension mounts, starts thrusting, sloppily slips out by accident, and mounts again.

A brief tender moment 
      Back at the Turner house, we know things are going to get nasty because of a Halloween-like ear-jangling dingdongdingdong two-note nerve-mangling soundtrack. It’s actually uncanny how alike the music in the two movies is in places, given that they both originally came out in the same year. Pure coincidence; urban invasion and ominous monotonous soundwounds must have been in cinematic vogue that year. Kane and his able-bodied weasel crew shoulder their way into the house, with Kane wielding his gun and saying that he is the law as long as he has it.
      When Ted Turner comes home from an errand, the next hour of the film becomes a grueling exercise in racial humiliation and degradation and madness and, well, just plain fucking bastardness. Tossing racial slurs like cracker-cracked firecrackers, Kane forces the family to eat at gunpoint. “I’m the master of the house,” he barks, and we just know he’s over-compensating for something or other. Kane gets called “poor white trash” by the feisty Granny Turner, so there’s not a single race in this film that doesn’t get racial abuse thrown at them – the idea of having a mixed-race gang seems to be purely to be able to throw insults at a few more ethnic minorities.
      
Die! Cracker Die!

       So –
      (Great! The copy of this film I was watching on Youtube just literally got yanked halfway through as I was watching it for copyright infringement! Must have known somebody from the UK was watching it and it’s still banned there! Bastirt! Anyway. One quick download later, and we’re back to the action. Ah, takes me back to the good old bad old days of illegal Scottish bootlegs! Very old school Deep Red!)

starring Dr. Caligari as J.F. Sebastian
      Kane gets drunk and his big bad man façade starts to unravel. He whines piteously and self-pityingly on about his “tired old spineless father” who “got so tired of tilling his acres he just melted into the soil.” He also talks about how the state “rob you of your manhood” by incarcerating you and “cut you off between your legs.” It becomes ever-more-clear we’re dealing with a small, cowardly, emasculated-feeling man who makes himself feel bigger and better by using a gun. It’s not exactly Shakespeare, but for exploitation character exposition and motivation exploration it’ll do. He’s been raped in prison as a boy, and is now bestowing on others the kind violent and sexual abuse that he was subjected to. Big gun, small cock; the usual ball-less ballistics-bullshit dynamic. The whole movie is basically a power play, racial and sexual, from a powerless man enjoying making others feel powerless for his own empowerment and pathological abusive amusement.
      “The measure of a man is dignity,” Ted gravely tells Kane.
      “The measure of a man is power!” the sarcastic and vicious reply is barked, complete with wave of phallic gun and an invitation to shine and lick his shoes.

That's Sergeant Sex Dwarf to you!
      On the other side of town, the cops are investigating the liquor store murder, and one thirsty flatfoot attempts to steal booze from the crime scene! Luckily straight cop Reilly (who looks uncannily like authoritarian homophobic Russian sex dwarf Vladimir Putin) is there to sort him out and keep him on the straight and narrow. The mythical life of Reilly would be a boring but righteous one, it must be said.
      Home, home on deranged, Ling amuses and lives up to his arson billing by setting a newspaper on fire and putting it into the hands of a sleeping Chino, who freaks and throws it away. Their subsequent fight is broken up by Kane, who distracts them by making Ted do a “jig,” by shooting at his feet, then sing a hymn standing on a stool. It’s a depressing, humiliating scene, one that just makes you shake your head and ask…why? Well, this is an exploitation film so “there is no why!,” to quote the old cheesy trailer for Chunkblower.
      Just as Ted is making “like a black canary” and getting some hated-by-Kane familial solidarity with the singing of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, Karen unfortunately decides to turn up for dinner. Ling runs after her to intercept her, tears off her clothes, and kills her by throwing her down a waterfall. Nearby, Joey decides to look up his blood brother to play in their tent in the woods some more and knocks on the Turner door, but is told that Floyd isn’t coming out to play. 

Say it don't spray it!
      Joe’s given the uncrackable Enigma code about hot dogs and wanders away wondering about it and pondering the significance of this weighty utterance. Unluckily for him, Ling spots him in the woods, grabs him, and unceremoniously smashes his brains in with a rock! It’s an unexpected, vile, insane scene, which really only exists for schlock shock value, and to allow Hamilton to go apeshit later on. This (ob)scene is apparently cut from many prints, and it’s not hard to see why. With the child beating-cum-murder, Ling has lived up to all three of his rep-raps – murder, arson, and child-beating – and is as popular with the viewer as a pregnant woman who wants an abortion at a Texas Tea Party rally.
      Ted, Ling and Chino cut out to hide the cars, and some more Kane-spewed racial venom ensues. Floyd knocks a knife out of “grey garbage” Kane’s hand, but the female family members and young boy are not up to the task of stabbing this “pink pig,” despite his goading them into it.
      Back on the trail, the cops arrest a drunk driver whose car they mistake for the one being driven by our guys. Nobody gives a shit.


      Kane gets the upper hand of the sewing circle encircling him with knives, and, after saying he is going to hang Floyd, decides to hang Mrs. Turner instead. This is an action with obvious racial historical baggage, especially coming from a white man from the south hanging a black person, but in the end the scene oddly veers away from the subject matter and, bizarrely, hangs her by her feet, scaring her instead of killing her. Maybe the filmmakers thought it might be an incitement to riot, just as Scorsese did when he changed Harvey Keitel’s pimp character in Taxi Driver from black to white. Perhaps it was just a bit too near the then-recent-past knuckle. Though the film certainly doesn’t shy away from graphic violence, sexual assault, or racial epithets, so who knows.
      The police are still driving around and get a tip-off about Corrie’s bicycle she left at the liquor store. The plot thins.
      Getting progressively drunk on whiskey, Kane decides that he is going to take the phrase ‘Bible-bashing’ to a whole new level and beats “assholy roller” (neat phrase!) Ted around the head with his good book, in a strange sped-up scene that almost seems to be played for laughs. Who knows if it’s meant to be found funny. Some of this film genuinely comes across as a black comedy (no pun intended) and you don’t know whether to laugh at the sheer outrageousness on display, or put on an offended front in polite company. The choice is entirely yours.
I'm getting sick of this shit
       Granny derides the invaders as “fakers in a whorehouse,” and that seems not too far from the truth, really, as Kane keeps excitedly stuffing his gun down the front of his pants after some particularly superlative outrage he perpetrates.”Now we’re gonna see if black womanhood is up to white manhood,” he snarl-chuckles as he drags Corrie away to be the first of the three to gang-rape the young virgin. It’s very unpleasant, if all too believable, and the weird sexual undercurrents in this film really leave a bad taste in the mouth. Unlike the child murder and drunk-slurred racial slurs, obviously.
      The police arrive and camp out outside the house with faulty listening gear. Your heart pounds with the excitement of it all.
     
      Corrie staggers through into the living room, in physical pain, bow-legged, and with torn clothes. Her family is shocked and traumatized. At the same time, Hamilton’s dead son Joey is found and brought to his dad, mirroring the family trauma inside the house. Hamilton, understandably, goes completely apeshit and runs at the Turner house with gun drawn, being shot dead by Kane before he can even get close. In the ensuing post-shooting confusion, the three cons are disarmed and held captive. The boot is finally on the other neck. 
      Robbed of his gun, of course, Kane is no tough guy. He gets beaten around, and the family puppy even pisses on his face on the floor! Mrs. Turner is ready for the nightmare to end, but her husband isn’t. He’s no longer a (cough) turner of the other cheek, and wants payback for the atrocities inflicted on him and his family. At gunpoint, he gets Chino to tell the cops the cons aren’t coming out. At this point the black family are throwing around insults like “spic” and “slant eyes,” so it’s just a degrading heartwarming hatefest all round.
I can feel the love!
      The cops are going to swarm in with teargas, but Floyd fake-tearfully convinces them not to. Corrie is pissed and has an electric knife she wants to castrate the man(iac) who took her maidenhead with. She can’t do it and drops the knife. Chino exhorts Kane to grab it, lunging forward excitedly, and gets a ballbuster ballistics vasectomy for his troubles. The cops outside get their shite surveillance gear working, and Reilly throws away his rulebook when he hears the family talking about all the chaos visited upon them and others close to them; the straight cop says the equipment is still busted and leaves the cons to their sorry sordid fates, letting nature red in tooth and claw take its course.
      Soon after, the cops decide to storm the house. In the confusion, Ling leaps through a window and is nastily impaled by a huge chunk of broken glass, whilst Ted is knocked unconscious and Kane gets the gun again. He grabs Mrs. Turner and edges out of the house, demanding a getaway vehicle of the cops. Handily, Ted wakes up and goes outside, taunting Kane, who apparently has a moral code and doesn’t want to shoot an unarmed man. Ted asks for a gun and is thrown one by the now-morally-fucked Reilly. The classic warm and fuzzy dialogue exchange takes place:
      “Ain’t never gonna be a fair fight, coon! Everybody knows whites are naturally superior, boy!”
      “Then let her go and prove it to me, white trash faggot!”
      Early teen-level dialogue, don’t you just love it?
      Ted rants and raves for a while, mocking Kane’s manhood and prison-raped sexuality. “You’re just like the black man my momma run off with! I’M GONNA SHOOT YOU!” cries the con, and is shot in the throat. The same funky song from the opening credits is played slowed down at a funereal pace, letting you know the horror is finally over, as Kane’s broken contorted corpse fades from the screen.
       And that, as they say, is that.
       Now. Fight For Your Life was the only Video Nasty (a tiresome 80s UK phenomenon that only Anglophilic Americans who never lived through it now find interesting) ever banned because of racial content and language. It certainly earns this dubious honor – and has not been released to this day across the pond. When Ted Turner comes back home, the racial epithets and insults start flying in earnest at the 22:35 mark, and do not stop for the rest of the film’s running time. Every racial insult for a black person ever known to man puts in an appearance, and more.
      The screenwriter here, Straw Weisman, sounds like he was having fun running with the race-hate-expression ball, and just crammed as many hate-speech insults into the running time as he could. Any lowlife no-brain redneck would only have a stock few phrases he would use in his mockery, unless he was of a quick intellect, so his using constant different creative insults didn’t quite fit the dumb character. It’s so over-the-top it becomes almost inoffensive, in a Troma movie sort of way.
      I say ‘almost inoffensive’ advisedly, though. I hadn’t seen this film until a couple of months ago, though I knew from hearing it mentioned occasionally that it had a fearsome reputation as a piece of vile exploitation filth. Which it most certainly is, of course, no doubt about that, but I also didn’t find it as bad as it had been made out to be. Which may say something about my own mindset, I suppose, but in a deeply cynical, calculating era where ‘entertainment’ includes stuff like sex with a baby (A Serbian Film) or remaking 70s rape-revenge flicks (Last House on the Left, and I Spit on Your Grave, both of which have material paralleling FFYL), anything else is going to look kind of tame. 

can we stab them already?
       That’s not to say that Fight For Your Life doesn’t pack a wallop today. It still does, mainly because you can’t believe how un-PC it is, and it’s difficult to believe that it got an ‘R’ rating. You can only imagine that any filmmaker trying to make a film like this today would be financing his film through selling his bodily fluids or collecting returnable soda cans. Violent, degrading sex is loved in America, a Puritan-roots country that hates women (witness the current risible and depressing rightwing War on Women) and hates its own flesh, and of course it masturbates happily to violence. But racism is still very much a taboo subject in this country. It underlies everything here, as the reaction to the Travyon Martin case brought to the fore.
      Whether you think the fact that this film would probably never gain financing today is a good thing or not is merely a personal opinion. It’s an odd time capsule, in a way. It displays vestigial traces of race relations in the American South during the 60s, transposed a few years into the future via the Kane character. He has grown up in a segregated area during a violent, turbulent time, and his racial bigotry and madness reflect this upbringing. He drags 60s-era civil rights turbulence right into the escapism-era late 70s America (remember, 1977 was the year of Star Wars too) and slaps it right in the face with it. His sneering insults towards “Martin Luther Coon” are telling, as are the pictures on the wall of MLK and the dead Kennedys, John F and Robert, all of whom died during turbulent American times. 
the fake Blaxploitation ad

      Kane is a displaced anachronism, still smarting from the mental and emotional wounds he suffered in jail in his southern youth, which I would say could almost be regarded as a metaphor for north-south relations to this day, but that would be giving a sleazy exploitation film too much credit and depth. It’s not a particularly deep film – it’s lazy, nasty, vicious, insipid and disgusting, with a cynical level of knife-fighter street-smarts to it. But that doesn’t mean that it says anything much about racism, except that it can exist under the skin of any and all races (much as it’s taboo to articulate this simple fact in America these days) and can come poking out in unexpected places under enough intolerable provocation. 
don't cry Deputy Dog
      Miscegenation provides the backdrop for racism on both sides of the equation, with the Turner mother hating Karen for her affair with Val; and Kane hates his mother for running off with a black man. Past experiences have poisoned the views of the family and cons, or more specifically, Kane, at least. His accomplices act as little more than two-dimensional foils to help him control the family – and to get a few racial epithets thrown at in this race-hate clusterfuck, of course. The fact that Kane didn’t like his mother being with a black man doesn’t stop him from raping Corrie, of course, so his racial views are selective. The only two people in the film who seem to have race relations down-pat are young Joey and Floyd, who become literal ‘blood brothers,’ but even then one of them is killed.
      There’s a danger here of reading way more into the film than was originally intended – it’s a straight, very-well-acted, exploitation murder-rape-revenge flick, after all. But all the stuff I am talking about is definitely in the film, crudely rendered and signposted as it may be. Fight For Your Life is, sadly, still totally relevant today, as the south’s vociferous racist reaction to Obama’s terms as president has unfortunately proven. Racial politics in this confused, lost country don’t seem to have moved forward much since this grindhouse classic was released. It’s a fave rave flickershow of Quentin Tarantino (though don’t hold that against the production), a hack who knows all about racial controversy in moviemaking, what with being a proud black man himself and all. 

What's Happen-in hot stuff
      Fight For Your Life is a strange, anomalous, one-off, low-blows-flowing film, and nothing like it has ever been made before or since. You watch it and wonder what the fuck the filmmakers were thinking when they put it out, except, of course, about making money. The director Richard Edelson only has one other film to his (dis)credit, Filthiest Show in Town, a softcore porn, which tells you something. FFYL has two trailers online, one for black audiences (“You are about to see a few moments from an extraordinary gut-crunching movie that will make you get down and shout, I AM PROUD TO BE A BLACK MAN!”) and one for, well, everybody else. Pick your own favorite. One thing’s for sure: as long as there are people of more than one color, which of course there always will be, there will always be racism. And people to make low-budget films exploring and exploiting it. Case in point: the 2011 piece of bigotry-soaked dementia The Cuckoo Clocks of Hell. The more things change, the more they stay the same, indeed.



THE END
    

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Plague Dogs


Plague Dogs Directed By Martin Rosen. Starring John Hurt (1982)
    Review By Goat Scrote
    If Franz Kafka had ever had children, this is the kind of bedtime story he would tell them. Yes, this is a cartoon with lovable talking animals in it, but no, you absolutely should not show this film to young children unless you're doing illicit psychological experimentation involving childhood trauma [http://www.kindertrauma.com/?p=773 ]. There's animal torture, some human gore, dark social commentary, and a whole lot of heavy existential seeking, and no happy endings for anybody. The movie is way too honest to give easy answers to the questions it raises. Even adults might have a little trouble digesting such a heavy mental meal.
 
check out existentialpets.tumblr.com

    These dogs only wish they could be as lucky as Bambi's mother and die quickly. If you thought the animated violence in "Watership Down" was traumatic for the tots, you should know that "Plague Dogs" ups the ante considerably. Both films are based on books by Richard Adams, and are written, directed, and produced by Martin Rosen. It's not surprising that there are similarities, but where "Watership Down" tells an essentially hopeful story about loss and renewal, Plague Dogs tells a relentlessly hopeless story about senseless cruelty and pointless tragedy. It's a good movie, and using cute animals to say something serious is one of the oldest storytelling traditions there is, but Plague Dogs is so bleak and sad in places that I find it genuinely painful to watch!
    For the trivia buffs, dialogue from this movie is sampled by Skinny Puppy in their anti-vivisection song "Testure", and a clip from the movie can be seen in the background of the music video. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtySNoe0gMw].
    The story opens in an animal testing facility where we witness a little slice of animated Hell on Earth. It's a dismal picture of institutional cruelty with little discernible purpose. Some of the lab dogs like Rowf (Christopher Benjamin) are locked inside a water-filled tank and forced to swim until they become exhausted and drown, only to be resuscitated, put back in their tiny cages, and made to do it all over again the next day. Other dogs like Snitter (John Hurt) subjected to experimental brain surgery. "Why do they do it?" he wonders in bewildered pain, "I'm not a bad dog."

Inside Snitter's mind

    When a cage door isn't latched properly, Snitter and Rowf take the opportunity to escape.  Snitter has odd hallucinations and seizures from his surgery, and he is ridden with guilt for his role in the accidental death of his former master, but he still has a basic trust of human beings. Rowf is less certain about the goodness of mankind, but together the two seek a new master. Their innocent attempts to connect with humans go wrong every time. They go to town but get spooked when they see a butcher in his bloody white apron, so similar to the doctors at the lab. They see a shepherd and his sheepdogs and try to fit in by chasing the sheep, which fails to win them any affection.
    In a world that seems endlessly hostile, they finally find something of a friend out in the wild. The Tod (James Bolam) is a wily fox who makes a deal with the dogs. He will teach them to survive as "wild animals" and they will help him get bigger prey, like sheep. Unfortunately, their success at sheep-killing just gets them hunted by the locals.
    Things finally seem about to take a turn for the better when Snitter encounters a kind man in the woods - a new master! As Snitter finally realizes his dream and scampers into the man's arms, however, fate betrays him. His paw snags the trigger of the man's shotgun and the man's face is suddenly gone with a boom and a big red splash. This is the most brutal scene in the movie and it kicks me right in the nuts every time.
raspberry jam is pouring out of my face!

    Snitter's spirit is broken. "I'm bad," he despairs. Things don't get any cheerier for the strange little pack, either. Winter comes and their ribs are showing. A hunter stalking them falls to his death and the starving dogs eat him. When the hunter is found ripped to shreds it doesn't help the fugitive dogs' public image. Reporters have started stirring up sentiment against the dogs and the lab. The lab directors kept the escape quiet to avoid embarrassment  but this seems downright sinister when rumors start that the dogs might be infected with the bubonic plague. The absurdity of the situation reaches its peak when escalating public outcry leads politicians to call in the military to deal with the two tormented, weak, confused stray dogs.
Where are those Snausages we ordered?


    The Tod proves to be a true friend when he sacrifices himself to help Rowf and Snitter escape onto a train car. The dogs reach the sea as soldiers close in, and flee together into the water in sort of a canine "Thelma and Louise" moment. At first Snitter hallucinates that the sun shining through the ocean fog is an island, a place where they can finally find peace. As they swim on and on into the fog Snitter realizes that the island was just another illusion from his damaged brain and he despairs. Rowf, the veteran of the water-tank, urges Snitter to keep swimming. The two dogs vanish together into the fog, never to be seen again. So did Snitter give up? Does Rowf drown in the end, after all? Is the whole world just a big version of the torture tank, where every living thing is drowned and resuscitated over and over for reasons we can never comprehend, bereft of any hope of escape except one final plunge into cold and darkness? I ain't sayin', and neither does the movie. As the credits roll, though, the fog slowly parts, and there is a smudge in the distance that might be the hoped-for island. It seems impossibly far off, too far for a couple of exhausted dogs to reach, but the island is there... a tiny sliver of possibility.
Highly Recommended!
Do they make it out OK?

Paramilitary Dog termination squad

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Naked Vengeance


Naked Vengeance  Directed By Cirio H. Santiago starring Deborah Tranelli (1985)
We here at TOG are major fans of the revenge subgenre, I mean there's nothing better than finding a lost rape/revenge classic that fits in with the best of them. It's almost as good as finding a bag of peanut M&M's in the back of the fridge, that you totally forgot about!
   Naked Vengeance stars Karen Carpenter stunt double (TV veteran of Dallas and Three's Company) Deborah Tranelli. She sings the Pat Benetar sounding title theme (which is very syrupy)! It follows her around like she has it on a loop coming from a tape recorder in her pocket.
   One night while out on a date with her husband, they both try to stop a girl from getting mugged and it ruins their lives (moral of the story, if you see a crime, ignore it)!
   Her husband is shot to death and after his funeral, she decides to return to the hicktown she grew up in called Silverlake. Seriously, though no matter how much you may want to recuperate by moving back in with your parents, take a vacation instead! Especially if you grew up in a town crawling with rapists who act like they'll screw anything that moves too slow.
   The first signs of trouble begin when Carla stops at a gas station and a creepy old boyfriend from high school still holds a grudge against her, he's just one of many, who think that anyone who managed to escape this shitty town, are high class and over privileged. It just escalates into a full blown hate fest as she bumps into more lecherous and angry townies. JUST LEAVE ALREADY!
Today's special: "Hot Beef Injections"
   There's a butcher named Fletch who looks like sports commentator Dick Butkus, he comes onto her in his shop and later calls her a closet nympho. It seems as though Carla is outnumbered by horny slimeballs, who are jealous of her success as an actress and want to get in her pants. One night at a dive bar, Fletch and his cronies get drunk and plot how they are all gonna gang rape her. They find out she's by herself that very night and hunt her down like an animal, each one begins to force themselves on her (this rape scene is almost as unpleasant as in I Spit On Your Grave). Keep in mind, this is before internet porn was invented, so apparently back in the day all men were sexually frustrated animals frothing at the mouth!
somebody call the white buns busters?
   Then it goes from bad to worse, as her parents decide to surprise her and come home early, Big Mistake! They find her surrounded by drooling goons with shotguns and angry hard-ons! Fletch and his gang end up shotgunning both of Carla's parents and incriminating one of their own out of the fear of being caught.
   Like in most revenge fantasy flicks, the protagonist makes a full recovery soon after and starts dishing out punishment almost immediately, no therapy required! Although that's only half true, because it turns out Carla is a genius at acting traumatized for the hospital staff while sneaking out and killing her enemies on the side. Carla is totally relishing in the fury of vanquishing these scumbags, the first one to go is a bar tender as she forces him at gun point to dose himself with liquor and she burns him alive! After each death she'll mutter to her self BURN, or DROWN, with clenched angry teeth. 
Thanks for feeding the fish

   The deaths get really creative, it's as if she's assumed the role of Robert "Exterminator" Ginty crossbred with Camille Keaton from "I Spit On Your Grave". To call this a ripoff of that classic would be missing the point. We do get to see Carla's giant 70's bush at one point, but she never blatantly uses her sexuality as bait, its more subtle (if you can believe that)! This leads to a montage of richly deserved gruesome deaths as Fletch and his gang are turned into human ice cubes, dickless mortal fish, crushed under cars and reduced to burnt cinders. The idiotic sheriff suspects foul play, but never stops these creeps so he's just as guilty. 
Helter Scale-ter 

   The scales of justice begin to tip in her favor, and though I was slightly disappointed in the final showdown between her and Fletch, mainly because it doesn't lead to him being chewed up in a meat grinder. This is partially an update of I Spit On Your Grave, since both characters use their brutal sexual assault as fuel for their own cathartic, psychotic behavior against all members of the opposite sex and when the chips are down, transform into professional mercenaries. There's never a moment when I felt sorry for any of the male characters and was totally convinced that they had every reason to pay for their crimes This of course is pure exploitation fantasy, the best kind! Recently, Youtube decided to remove an uncut VHS rip, that someone took the time to upload from their own collection. This burns me up, because that is the only way genre fans are even able to see this rare film and someone should give this classic a proper release loaded with extras already!
Highly Recommended!

AVAILABLE AT J4HI.COM

Gone Peen Fishin'

Our bowling league is called The Blue Balled Defilers, why do you ask? 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Simonetti Horror Project


The Simonetti Horror Project Directed By Claudio Simonetti & Felix Imevbore (1990).
If you are only familiar with Claudio Simonetti's soundtrack solo work or with Goblin, get ready to lose all respect for this man as you are bombarded by some of the most acid-washed "Keytarded", mullet sportin, eyeball raping, this side of a coked out 80's time warp! 
  Don't take this the wrong way, because I thoroughly enjoyed this promo concert, which resides somewhere in the overbloated universe of Spinal Tap meets Jan Hammer led by a business up front, party in the rear funky phantom.
  Witness one of the most atrocious versions of Deep Red you'll ever hear with rhymes by Dr. Felix, hip hop record scratching and sped up 'tra-la-la' singing. Felix obviously has never seen the film, taking the Ray Parker Jr. approach to songwriting and the retarded verses go "Deep Red, Let's have some fun".

   This concert has some of the most embarrassingly 80's over saturation of chroma-key and video toaster effects, with stale left overs from the Aqua-net era, apparently still the height of fashion in 1990's Italy. Speaking of poisoning the environment with hairspray, Claudio's ode to the destruction of the Ozone "Ozone Free" is featured, while grim pictures of space and the earth are projected over the band. There's a song called Craws (which reminds me of Robster Craws), a misspelled song from the Opera soundtrack. During "Tenebre", Simonetti pals around with his skeleton Alfred and mouths the lyrics into a headset which sound like Blabiddity Blap Blabittity Blap.
Thumpity Thump, Thumpity Thump, Thumpity Thump.
   There are an insane amount of Korg Keyboards,Roland Keyboards and Keytars with ColecoVision monitors fastened to the board in case the band needs to play a fast round of Donkey Kong! I'd imagine they just went into a Keytar shoppee and said we'll take everything! They may have even scored the same keyboard that Ferris Bueller had, who knows? 
   The stage is decorated by paper mache dragons and a gargoyle that resembles a mutant Frank Zappa. There's also a few music videos tacked on for Demons and Phenomena.            Simonetti and his crew beyond Goblin have always had that stink of euro-trash lingering on them and for those looking for comedy gold, it's required viewing, I cannot stress how fun and hysterical this video was! 
   There's not an inkling of self awareness, that maybe this was a terrible idea, which makes it so entertaining! The only thing I can compare it to is that Sports Tim & Eric video, some 80's guitar instruction by Yngwie Malmsteen or someone more hideous, it's that good!
   We here at TOG are ravenous fans of Claudio and there's no denying the man has talent, this is a must see purely for its cheese factor alone!
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
Stop! Dr. Felix Time

This is humiliatin!

Those are some Wack Beats Yo!

That's right folks, zero irony

Saturday, August 3, 2013

GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm)


GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm) Directed by David Kent-Watson, Written by and Starring Cliff Twemlow. (1983).
Ever since I started TOG, I've learned so much about the underground world of overlooked cult actors that I sometimes have to invent new words to tack Sploitation on the end of (like Krug-sploitation, Moreau-Sploitation and Belushi-Sploitation). In any case I'm continuously expanding my mind as I delve further into the underworld of subterranean filth. I haven't really tackled that many Brit flicks though.
   Which leads me to tonight's overlooked celebrity Mr. Cliff Twemlow (who's last name makes me think I have an Elmer Fudd or Wobert from Meet The Feebles speech impediment)! He's a martial artist, Tuxedo Warrior, horror author, and composer of De-Wolfe library tracks (his most famous being The Pretty Things Dawn Of The Dead tune "Cause I'm A Man"). He's a work-a-holic juggernaut with a lantern jaw and features like a Gerry Anderson 'Supermarionette'. Sadly he died  of a heart attack in 1993.

   I decided to check GBH out, because it was featured in the Art of Video Nasties book and has a ridiculously misleading cover of Twemlow holding an axe (there are zero axes in the film). The only reason I could see why this made the cut is because of David Hamilton Grant's involvement in the distribution. Grant was the notorious British smut peddler of trash like E.T. The Extraterrestrial Nastie and Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. There's absolutely nothing offensive about G.B.H. and it could play on basic cable.
   The opening credit montage is like a lost sitcom as each character is introduced. Cliff plays "The Mancunian" Steve Donovan, a Manchester enforcer of nightclubs, protecting it from Keller's angry street gang. This is one of the earliest Shot on Video features (or Shitty-o) and the fight staging is excellent, even if there's loud room tone and the production looks like "Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous" With Robin Leach. After the first meeting with Murray the boss and one of his old friend's Chris, the two mates frolic around on the grass the next day. The scene is awkwardly homo-erotic as a slow crooning number is heard while the men rough house with each other, Donovan calls him a "Cheeky little bastard".
let me get some lube sweetie
   Keller the mob boss looks alot like 50's wacky standup comedian Charlie Callas. Donovan steals this shrimpy dude's girlfriend and asks her what she'd like to drink and after she tells him, he says "They're Your Guts"! There's some clever dialogue, that you don't hear the first time around, sometimes Twemlow resembles the elderly James Bond from Look Around You.
   There are lots of British comedy looking actors with giant glasses, comb overs and brown sweaters. Toward the end, Donovan goes on a rampage in the forest, but is nice to all of his enemies for the last few minutes before they die.
   It's hard for me to recommend this film because I was definitely entertained, but it's not a horror film, it's too soft to be an action flick and not tender enough to be a drama. So it's sort of in suspended animation, and doesn't fit well into any category. A labor of love from a man who obviously put his heart into this early 80's shot on video underground film.
my face caught on fire again
   I've stumbled onto a patch of duds lately and mildly entertaining and silly as this was, I can't help but have sympathy for it, especially since its autobiographical and one guy basically helmed the entire production. The film stock is incredibly fuzzed out, though the shot composition and staging is often the most dynamic part.
Stop cock blocking me Paddington!
   GBH was supposed to come off like a grittier version of The Long Good Friday with Bob Hoskins playing a similar kingpin (I have yet to watch that film though). This is pure fodder to get trashed and make fun of, but don't be too mean because there is enough talent and spirit to make it less like The Room and more like a dumb 80's martial arts Cannon flick. On a sort of related note, I have to mention the punk band charged GBH and their hit single "City Baby Attacked By Rats"! That song is not included in the film, but there is alot of disco and synthesizer music by Twemlow (under the psuedonym John Agar).
Slightly Recommended
Here's an article comparing Twemlow to Ed Wood 

I told you Michael Pollard, I don't want to play bloody table tennis!

I came here to meet Levar Burton and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum


Friday, August 2, 2013

Slaughterhouse


Slaughterhouse Directed By Rick Roessler Starring a bunch of people who were never seen or heard from again. (1987).
What's worse than a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a reboot or that last 3D Chainsaw flick? A fake Texas Chainsaw! In some cases when done right, it turns out brilliantly, like say Motel Hell (which is almost a separate entity concerning "Gein-esque" lovable inbred cannibals). Meet one of the least memorable poseur Leatherface type characters ever to grace the screen since Stitcho The Clown, Buddy Bacon! He looks like the turd baby of Cal from Sanford and Porkins from Star Wars!
This Cal not appearing in tonights feature
   He wears chains and eyeliner like an 80's WWF wrestler and sleeps with hogs in a pig pen. The credit music sounds like something out of a Sherwood Swartz production and there is authentic pig butchering footage (don't get too excited, because it's all downhill from here on out)!
   This is one of the most exhausting films, I've seen in recent memory, it's just soul crushing and miserable! None of the forty year olds pretending to be high school kids add any development to the storyline, as they drive around, hang out in restaurants and cause trouble for the local sheriff, ZZZZZZ, I'm getting sleepy as I write this!
   There's a wacky DJ who periodically hams it up (Gawfaw, get it)? He promotes his generic dance party for the grand finale at the Big Pig Out! The teens do make it over there and start gyrating to fake REO Speedwagon tunes, Oh Joy! This film is weak as shit!
   The premise of former meat packing plant titans: The Bacon Family, whining about automatic butcher machines forcing them out of a work is pretty slim, even for a low budget dull slasher flick! Eventually the meat hooks start piercing flesh and bone and the men trying to take over The Bacon factory all go down one by one. The pacing is like a wanna-be Friday The 13th and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone to identify or care about in this flick. They all deliver the most atrociously wooden acting skills and sadly none of them die creatively (at least in a real slasher movie, that's something to look forward too)! If Roessler had successfully ripped off TCM, he might have been as wealthy as Rob Zombie (who's made a killing out of stealing from Tobe Hooper's seminal classic).
I was completely bamboozled by the misleading trailer which made it look like Cannonball Run with a tubby Ed Gein behind the wheel.
   Chas wrote about it in Deep Red, as an attempt to create some buzz, I have the feeling he'd support almost anything "Chainsaw" related, case in point HollyWood Chainsaw Hookers being in the catalog. I can't fault the man for that, Leatherface hadn't been put through the ringer just yet! And even though it looked stupid, sometimes you gotta put on the blinders and bite the bullet, especially if someone you trust convinces you. Roessler really shelled out some bucks for the promotion machine (check out this clever No Smoking Ad).

Roessler, Joe Barton who played Buddy Bacon and everyone else involved fell off the face of the earth and were never heard from again, lucky us!
This film should join other forgotten filth in the landfill of rarities no one should unearth or bother to remember. Totally unrewarding, migraine inducing slop, save your eyeballs and watch anything else!
Use As A DoorStop!











Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...