Monday, November 9, 2015

Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers Directed By Cirio Santiago, Starring John Carradine (1978).

It's been a billion months since I've watched a Filipino horror flick but this one is so retarded and fun that it trapped me like a fly in a spider web. John Carradine who scarily enough secured his dignity way into his 80's by appearing in awful flicks to pay his rent. He'd never punk out like his offspring David and go out in a blaze of autoerotic asphyxiation! It's such a shame that he died that embarrassing way but nevertheless I can still enjoy his work without that bit of grossness tarnishing the Carradine legacy. I just turn on Circle Of Iron and it all melts away!

That's right I got a stable of buxom vampire bitches

There's some badly dubbed hot vampire babes, one of them is played by Lenka Novak who I remember as the pretty blonde in Kentucky Fried Movie who says "Show me your nuts". 
Hold on a second cult movie fans, if you're thinking this might be another dull Filopinoploitation, don't turn it off just yet because none other than "Nathan Arizona" actor Trey Wilson shows up as a countrified sailor. I was never really a fan of this film genre until I saw Mark Hartley's excellent "Machete Maidens Unleashed" doc. 

Is that you Ken Jeong, you're so brave

After Love at First Bite, it seemed like the disco era wanted to capitalize on hammy vampire flicks. Just watch that movie now and try to convince me that it should've inspired anyone to bother ripping it off. I was shocked to find out this came before the George Hamilton snooze fest and was written by Howard Cohen who scripted Unholy Rollers and Sat the 14th (which is less amusing but almost the same in vaudeville style yuks).

Indigestion is for pussies!

I've wanted to watch this ever since I saw the ad in the first Psychotronic Video Guide and now Vinegar Syndrome has it available on a double disc with Death Force.
Carradine spouts lots of poetry and whines that nobody gets it. He constantly drinks Bloody Marys, he must get heartburn all the time! He normally bugs the shit out of me but here he's tolerable. The Navy caricatures of stupid horn dog sailors trying to score with any street skank seems pretty justified.  

A Samuel L. Brokowitz production

The round headed Pavo is played by Filipinosploitation staple Vic Diaz who's not a vampire yet for some reason but lives in the crypt with the rest of the bloodsuckers. I guess you could say he's an Asian Renfield, only he's incredibly dumb and doesn't know all the Universal Monster methods to exterminate the undead like garlic and crosses. He brings some into their underground lair and almost fucks everything up! Diaz was in most of the Jack Hill Pam Grier WIP flicks along with Sid Haig and also the epic Raw Force!

Stop trying to emulate Dali's " In Voluptas Mors" you're doing it wrong

Three girls rhythmically gyrate on a bed with their butts in the air and lethargically screw another sailor who I didn't much care for as they show pictures of Goat people in Kamasutra positions! If that's your cup of tea you may need psychiatric help or perhaps you are a 12 year old with no internet connection. It all ends with Pavo farting really loud and a hysterical soft rock number about how "warm blood isn't all these vampires suck!" 


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