Friday, November 6, 2015

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers Directed By Fred Olen Ray, Starring Michele Bauer (1988).

From the warning explaining that these are real chainsaws to the Cramps crossbred with The Monkees squawky sax song over the credits, it seems like I should be all fired up for a USA Up All Night Sawploitation classic, but my nerves are shot and I'm paranoid because I am aware that we're about to get waist deep in the cheesy swamp of Fred Olen Ray's world. Ray and Jim Wynorski have a couple of good eggs in their wretched careers, Chopping Mall is probably better than F.O.R.'s entire catalog though. In the T&A exploitation war Jim totally out ranks him. Give this one a chance though it's more fun than I'd ever imagined it could've been.
I mean there's the beautiful Michele Bauer (aka former porn star Pia Snow from Cafe Flesh here, getting totally full bush naked, while wiggling and dismembering some poor dope). She fastens an adorable shower cap to her head to deflect the sinew and splatter which rains over her and a velvet Elvis. From that little five minute scene, I know like the Hermans Hermits song that "I'm in to something good".

You can cover me in guts and gunk but don't damage my velvet Elvis

Gunnar Hansen is a cult leader/pimp and it's kind of interesting how he's the only internationally famous fictional cannibal lunatic who's never gotten back into his Leatherface costume and reprised that role. I swear Hookers might be even better than Cyclone and that for me was the Olen Ray benchmark of quality, this one is light years ahead in likability and the naked babes certainly rack it up a notch (Heh, Rack).

That bitch better have my money and my headcheese croissant 

It's got this whole poseur gum shoe film noir angle that gets old fast, but it doesn't really effect the pacing oddly enough. Jay Richardson, who's acting career is stuck in late night Skin-A-Max purgatory, plays the dull main character. Fox Harris, the neutron bomb mad scientist from Repo Man shows up as a sleazy moronic John named Herman who gets smacked in the noggin by Ester Elise, a cute vixen who looks like a smaller breasted version of Christy Canyon. 

Help, this bat is stuck in my beehive 

All the while Gunnar is lurking in the shadows scoping out the murders committed by his hookers. I remember having a serious crush on Michele Bauer after seeing her in some late night cable garbage one night in middle school, she's very pretty but those boobs are too hard and fake looking!

I'm gearing up for own horror workout video BUY NOW, operators are standing by!

Linnea Quigley shows up too, you might as well call this an "all star scream queen-o-rama". Brinke Stevens is mysteriously absent though, so it's not a complete event. 
Leatherface wears an Egyptian Sphinx necklace and seems related to Fuad Ramses (or possibly the schmuck from Mardi Gras Massacre). That connection gets even more interesting after I found out Dukey Flyswater (aka Michael Sonye) who plays a snaggle toothed bartender wrote the screenplay for Blood Diner, which is basically an unofficial sequel to the H.G. Lewis staple. Sonye is also responsible for the creation of Frozen Scream, one of the lamest video nasty even conceived!! I'm always baffled at how anyone can enjoy that film on any level and there's an entire chapter devoted to FS in "Nightmare U.S.A". and I'm not gonna slam Stephen Thrower because he's friends with everyone I know. I just don't get it and I don't think I ever will.

Quigley, who plays a virgin runaway--(Haw, nice casting)--feels sorry for the dumb ass detective and wants to leave the chainsaw cult. According to, Richardson actually head butted Linnea in real life, what a tard! Maybe that head damage later rattled her brain enough to wanna marry Al Goldstein, (I still can't believe that ever happened). 
HCH is likeable trash, the girls are hot and though the gore is minimal it's schlocky and fun. It held my interest the entire time which is unheard of in a Fred Olen Ray flick, I wasn't even wasted either!



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