Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

"Meatcleaver Massacre" (1977, aka "Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre", aka "Morak", aka"Evil Force", aka "Revenge of the Dead")
     Directed by Evan Lee.

     Review by Goat Scrote.

     I’ll be blunt. This movie sucks. It’s disappointing in pretty much every department, and there isn’t a single meat cleaver to be seen during the entire running time. There is virtually nothing that I like about the movie itself. It’s an ugly boring dumb inept unwatchable mess. It's filmed badly, written badly, acted badly, and the blood and monster effects are mostly just awful.
Happy to be here.
     The movie is “hosted” by Christopher Lee, who appears for a few minutes at the beginning and end to give long monologues about the occult. It turns out that this was shot for an entirely different movie which never materialized, so the producers sold their Christopher Lee footage to another company. Lee was very displeased and nearly took the producers of “Meatcleaver Massacre” to court when he found out his name had been attached to this crap.
Jesus sued to have his image removed from the film, too.
     There’s also a rumor swirling around that Edward D. Wood Jr. made an appearance as an actor in the movie. I don’t think he’s actually in there. If you can confirm exactly where he is in the film let us know.
     Professor Cantrell (James Habif) teaches his class about a demon named Morak, “The Destroyer of the Destroyers.” There’s a painting of Morak in action which shows in explicit detail some of the ways that the googly-eyed vengeance-spirit likes to dispatch his victims.
Ouch, I guess I deserved that.
     After class, the Professor angers creepy jerk Mason (Larry Justin). Mason turns out to be a vicious psychopath who somehow convinces his buddies to participate in a home-invasion/mutiple-murder against the Prof and his family. They bash in his head with a candlestick, strangle his son and wife, then stab his daughter. Later, the killers gloat over news reports of their crime. 
I keep my eyeballs inside my three penises.
     The Professor is still alive, but brain damaged, mute, and paralyzed. Somehow in this condition he manages to call up Morak to carry out his revenge. The spirit stalks the killers and dispatches them in uninspired ways. One victim is apparently stabbed to death by an angry yucca plant in the desert. Another guy is about to slash his own wrists, until he realizes he doesn’t have time to commit suicide because he is late for work. That made me laugh, and this joke was the only thing in the entire movie that I liked. I’m assuming it was the on-purpose kind of joke but that may be giving the filmmakers too much credit.
Is there such a thing as exfoliating too much?
     Anyway, Morak shows up for a final confrontation with head psycho Mason. Morak beats him up and tears out one of his eyes. In the end, Mason is locked up in an insane asylum. It turns out his eye isn’t missing at all even though he hallucinates that he is holding it in his hand. Whatever, it’s a bad ending for a bad movie. Christopher Lee shows up again for a final monologue and relates some stories about the supernatural in which he uses the word “abracadabrical”. Wow, I’m glad that’s over.
   Recommendation: Avoid.
Oh Morak, you're so abracadabrical.
"Portrait of the Goat Scrote as a Young Satyr"

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