Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Frankenstein General Hospital

Frankenstein General Hospital Directed By Deborah Romare, Mark Blankfield (1988).

The first thing that led me to this alarmingly titled flick was not playmate Kathy Shower as you might imagine, but Irwin Keyes as the infamous monster. I've followed Irwin's career ever since The Warriors, that bulbous face was always lurking somewhere in the background, sometimes if you blinked you missed him. He died in the first Exterminator only to return in the second one as Monster, a menacing punk dodging that pesky flamethrower. He's appeared in a wide range of cult films like Nice Girls Don't Explode, Chained Heat, StarDust Memories, House of a 1000 Corpses and even played Hugo, George's bodyguard on The Jeffersons! That loveable bug-eyed knucklehead is always a welcome site throughout the exploitation genre. In FGH he's hardly in this piece of shit and they focus more on the stupid doctor and his unfunny antics. If you're thinking maybe I'll watch this film for its cool title and Irwin Keyes as the creature, fuggetaboutit, don't get burned like I did. It actually took me a month to recover from this painfully unfunny comedy.

Who's ready to laugh?

  The doctor played by Mark Blankfield looks like he's related to Gerrit Graham and his assistant is Iggy instead of Igor. This movie blindsides you immediately with its wretched-ness, don't bother to track it down, its appallingly bad! I've seen Leslie Jordan, the actor who plays Iggy in Ski Patrol and Pee Wees Playhouse, he's a midget with a southern drawl and looks like a gay elf. I'm not being derogatory, Jordan is gay and also 4 feet tall.
   The decision to cast Lou Cutell, (Seinfeld's "Assman" and Nadir the Martian from Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster) as a surgeon would be an inspired tribute to that film, but here it's a wasted role.

Your funny bone is busted

   The cornball jokes fall flat on their face and seem like really bad vaudeville comedy, I mean there's nothing worse than "fake Mel Brooks type humor".
   Dr Bob Frankenheimer (Blankfield) is laughed at by his coworkers who all have mullets, anytime Bob mentions his experiment, phantom giggle noises are heard. Bobby Boris Pickett is somewhere in the background waiting around for his pay check.

Holy shit, it's the mom from The Goldbergs!

   This is the kind of irritating comedy that you could get toasted to and not be even mildly amused.
Ben Stein shows up I'll never understand the appeal of that loser, unless you're a Right Winger.
The psychiatrist/dominatrix is played Kathy Shower, she looks really hot, but never gets fully undressed. This film makes those shitty Lou Anderson comedies like The Wrong Guys seem on par with cutting edge humor like Louis C.K.-- just dreadfully unfunny! The monster finally shows up 30 minutes in, I wonder if the film makers thought "Young Frankenstein sucked, let's try to top it"! They even paraphrase some lines from the Brooks classic and Bob Frankenheimer tries to ape Gene Wilder! Which is appalling to me!

They paid me in hookers and fluffernutters and I still hate myself.

   The worst part is that they have all these hot women and we get a two minute boob flash (fodder for Mr. Skin I suppose). When they are in the Doctor's lab, the film goes to black and white but the rest is in color (probably some inside unfunny gag that flew over my head).

   I think Keyes deserves a better film than this wretched piece of shit! He runs around with a boom box dressed like a greaser and even gets a blowjob. Hopefully he had a nice time on the set and I don't fault him for how terrible this movie came out. The comedy really grinds on your nerves and is horrendous, I totally hated it.


this is where Electric Frankenstein got thier name from

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