Saturday, September 7, 2013

Miami Golem

Miami Golem Directed By Alberto De Martino. Starring David Warbeck (1985)
David Warbeck has acted in a lot of shitty movies since The Beyond, like Ratman, The Last Hunter, and The Black Cat, this one is sadly another waste of time. My fascination with this film started when I realized, "Hey I've never seen anything else by the director of Puma Man," and with a silly title like Miami Golem, a script by Cannibal Holocaust screenwriter Gianfranco Clerici, how I couldn't lose right? Well, I lost alright-- BIG TIME! 
So what happened anyway? The swampy Florida locations worked for Raiders Of Atlantis and this one even has a cool riverboat Everglades chase scene. It's major problem is that it comes off so flat and lifeless. Warbeck is likable as TV reporter Craig Milford, but the storyline is so jumbled and haphazardly patched together, that it never gels at all and things just randomly happen. The theme song is terrific though and vaguely sounds like a ripoff of Beverly Hills Cop.
Hi, I'm Anderson, I'm here to assassinate, film at 11. 
 There are assassinations and a meteorite conspiracy, but none of the cool jabs at the news media that made Holocaust and Cut & Run (a superior, partially Florida located production) so ahead of their time for the early 80's. As for the Golem, its origin is based on Jewish folklore or the deformed Hobbit driven insane by greed, not in anyway connected to outer space. Are they trying to pull a Night Of The Demon by calling a Golem an E.T.? I'm pretty sure they are (and sometimes it looks like The Manitou). The screenwriter must have been tripping balls when he jotted it down for the finished product. The mythology is a bloated grab bag of miscellaneous gobbilty gook (Aztec arm bands, Aliens, Psychic surgery). The image of a retired Golem and Smeagol high tailing it around Miami in Crocket and Tubbs attire would have been a hysterically creative premise, better than this half baked garbage.
If only they paid me more, I would've hopped in the shower instead of Laura
   Nothing personal against Laura Trotter, but she may be the ugliest, man-ish woman ever to unfortunately take a shower in Italian cinema. Trotter was also in Nightmare City and her mole looks like it should have its own zipcode. There's a ridiculous split screen part between David Warbeck and himself, sporting his members only jacket, that he wears all the way through the film. His beastly girlfriend guides him through this journey and his double, mentions that Extraterrestrials are trying to contact him and if he doesn't kill a mustachioed assassin named Anderson, humanity will crumble. Sounds like a perfectly sane plan right?
lets get this shit over with already and make out
 The hallucination ghost effects and giant hands reminded me of the halloween masks and cartoon chicken that chases the kid from The Wild World Of LSD. The Golem blows up cars telepathically and throws Craig's girlfriend against the walls of her own apartment. I admire this film for being original and attempting to tone back on its thievery of other films, it borrows a little bit from Close Encounters, but its worst crime is that it's not all that interesting or fun. Had they blatantly stole and rearranged events from other films, maybe they would have had a more concrete pattern to follow. I'm not sure who to blame, because all the talent is onboard, but no one is driving this sinking ship. In Miami there are real Golem's (basically Hebrew Frankenstein Monsters) running around blending in with society, someday their story will be told, but for now skip this junk!


Don't worry I'll return again in Mac and Me

Take back your half aborted fetus terrarium!

That ain't Brigitte Nielsen, but it may as well be now


Theater of Guts Tribute Trailer

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