Tuesday, May 1, 2018


Every May Crank takes a break from churning out the Deep Red inspired gore reviews and lets in the sleaze, boobs and basic cable shenanigans run wild for one glorious week only. At first I dreaded it, but now with most writing projects gone belly up or all together done with like Monster (R.I.P.) and Weng's Chop, they're still around I just don't care to write for them anymore. I need something to look forward to I mean we all do really. So this week get baked, drunk or pop pills and wax all nostalgic like on the early 90's when horror hosts reigned supreme and the airwaves were invaded by freaks like Commander USA, Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried plus things were a lot more sane.We need this shit more than ever. Don't forget to support Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. 

So on with the review.

Hot Chili Directed By William Sachs, Starring Alan Kayser (1985).

Maybe You’ve seen Lemon Popsicle, Hot Pursuit or perhaps Losin' It? Well tuck in Louisa Moritz fans you’re in for a Cannon Films fuck fest!
Well as R rated as humping gets that is and it’s an Impact on demand pick to boot, they’ve shown almost all of the UP ALL NIGHT flicks. Thanks to Sharky for hooking me up with a shit ton of TnA horny teen flicks and hixsploitation like The Ormond Family's 40 acre feud for my birthday.

Stanley the dweeby runt is my favorite character in just the first 5 minutes. We also get Joe Rubbo, the Americanized Huey from Lemon Popsicle from The Last American Virgin. He reminds me of Billy Milano only less of a dumb ass. He acted for only 3 roles and then disappeared into obscurity. It’s pretty shitty how unlike the horny teens in Losin' It, they have to work at a Mexican hotel called the Tropicana Cabana. The comedic situations are very strange and awkward but it's a good time.

Surfin MOD, man what a genius concept record that was.

The 12 year old inside your loins will be high fiving you throughout the duration of this flick. There’s all kinds of naked skanks and wacky naked high jinx. I remember staying up late watching Skin-A-Max in hopes of a seeing so much as a pair of boobs. I don’t want to go into a tirade against the internet because we all know how it’s given and taken away so much to society.
Bill Gates with no street cred or game

There’s a pissed off blonde lady who screams at Stanley the dweeb, she acts like a mean dominatrix in a Benny Hill sped up way—nice try movie you can do better! This hotel has an endless supply of horny blondes of course. I think I spotted the piss drinking blonde from Island of Death, I still can’t believe that movie even exists and I’ll never look at Greeks the same way again. 

I drank pee once, it tasted like hot dog water.

When the fat kid walks in to get some, she calls him “Strudel Boy”, I don’t know why either and it’s just weird. Her husband calls him “Salami Boy”. The Golan Globus dudes who wrote this must be into domination because there’s a lot of that kind of kinky shit going on. Who am I to judge? Rob Z’Dar plays a rubbery faced German dude (don't blink or you'll miss this cameo). The comedy consists of foreign people yelling, it’s kind of stupid. But of course it is, what did you expect? The angriest Mexican dude is named Cortez the Turd, he rules with an iron shit. Chi Chi the hot chili pepper (were I gather the title comes from) is pretty helpful and in real life seemingly desperate, so next time you see Louisa Moritz, give her an extra 20 when you pay for her autograph at the Chiller con. Oh yeah and I spotted the head vampire from Polanski's Fearless Vampire Killers in a bar scene. He wasn't drinking a bloody mary like the Warren Zevon song would go into a diatribe about.

carlos the turd

There’s not really much of a story other than a bunch of kids at a wacky sex hotel stumbled onto horny situations and later on their families show up but don’t worry it doesn’t turn into incest-city thankfully!

Ricky’s extremely Jewish family shows up and his Dad tries to get into the blonde’s drawers (Victoria Barrett), the same one who yelled at Stanley. I noticed the dial a psychiatrist from Don’t Answer the Phone is also at one of the tables in the restaurant, she orders ice cream and doesn’t specify a flavor.

She’s not credited on IMDB for this flick. Yet another internet mystery that I found pretty shocking, Stanley (Chuck Hemmingway) died at the young age of 32 but there’s no info about his death, he appeared in Neon Maniacs and My Science Project as well. Maybe he was really Scott Backula and his work on earth was done. There are some elements of a lost Lemon Popsicle flick like Private Popsicle or something (that aforementioned flick is positively horrendous)! This one although a bit tedious is pretty funny for an oddball movie.  

guess my work is done here see ya tomorrow Ziggy.

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