Monday, December 1, 2014

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

  -Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini 1985 
 Let us begin with the star of this epic jungle romp, Michael Sopkiw. The Model turned actor starred in four Italian productions and this was his last. I’m not going to lie, I do have a bit of a man crush on Sopkiw, but there are always certain dudes in film we love to watch in macho action films. Harrison Ford representing the A list, Bruce Campbell for the B list and Michael Sopkiw for the Z. Massacre in Dinosaur Valley has been marketed as an Indiana Jones style adventure film and a cannibal film, it was even given the title Cannibal Ferox II in some countries but I assure you no animals were harmed in the making of this film.(not entirely true) It does a good job of blending the elements of an adventure film and the Italian cannibal films we love so much. Well, it has it all really! Like quick sand, piranhas, white slave traders, a sadistic lesbian, it also showcases beautiful women naked throughout.  If you haven’t seen it, you should probably just close this review and go buy it right now!

Three's Company in the Jungle
The sexy Eva (Suzane Carvalho) rides into a small village with her father. Her dad is a professor and author of many books on anthropology. They are there to explore the forbidden valley of the Dinosaurs. The Professor (Leonidas Bayer) charters a flight along with an ex Vietnam vet and his drunk wife, whose always giving him a “hard” time about not being able to get it up. Also on board, two gorgeous models and their photographer for some sleaze ball magazine. The plane is fully booked, so how does bone finder Kevin Hall (Sopkiw) from the Boston Institute of Paleontology manage to get on board?  He overhears the captain mention that their stop in the valley of the dinosaurs is a protected preserve and an illegal destination so he uses that to blackmail the pilot for a seat on the floor.

"Let me on the plane...please!"
"I'm Dog the bone hunter"

Why is this valley such a big deal? Well because many who go there never return. Rumor has it that there's a curse. Is the curse of this sacred valley real? I’m convinced it is! As soon as they even get near the location, the plane gets all screwy and the pilot loses all control, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the pilot's drinking. The plane crashes as we witness a toy model being thrown around in someone’s backyard. OK, maybe the crash effects aren’t quite that bad but the inside of the plane looks like it has Ed Wood written all over it. The plane is wrecked and sadly lives are lost including the professor, a model, and the pilot.  The Vietnam vet and former Captain, John Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) takes over immediately after the crash. He boasts that he knows jungle survival and will keep everyone safe. He exclaims something like, “…all jungles are the same, what’s the difference? We’re just replacing Gooks with Indianos.” (Indianos is Italian for Indian) He unsympathetically rushes those with dead loved ones to stop mourning and Eva watches her father breath his last breath and die.  Now the fun begins!

"Before I die, will my daughter get my sky miles?"

"I feel like I'm being watched."

 Captain Heinz is clearly the alpha male here and Kevin tucks his tail under his legs, for now. Heinz takes the survivors down a trail that follows a river. When they start to hear animal noises Kevin warns them that these are the sounds of the Aquara (Aquara? not a real tribe) Indians surrounding them. The photographer sadly falls prey to piranha and loses his leg. When he makes too much noise, Heinz stabs him through the back to shut him up. Kevin attacks Heinz for his heinous act but unfortunately gets knocked down a water slide of rocks separating him from the group. Don’t worry though he’s OK and even manages to barely get away from a hungry crocodile looking for some lunch.(oh crikey) The Captain and his wife get attacked by the natives and shortly after Eva and Belinda, (Susan Hahn) the model  get captured. Betty Heinz, (Marta Anderson) the vet's wife falls victim to quicksand. This attack becomes one war the ex-soldier Mr. Heinz can’t come out of alive, he’s hit with about 5 or 6 arrows and pinned up against a tree. The chief stabs him in the chest and pulls out a piece of his entrails for a little snack. A little while later Kevin rescues the ladies from the cannibals. He disrupts a ceremony in which a shaman wearing a triceratops headdress is using Eva and Belinda in a barbaric ritual . Kevin hijacks one of the tribe's canoes, so the cannibals set up a giant net further down the river and with three shotgun shells left Kevin shoots the net and he hits the Indian’s chief causing them to retreat back to their camp.


Pull my finger!

"Made you look!"
 You might think the worst is over, nope. While taking a breather and admiring some fossilized foot prints an evil miner and slave trader shows up named China. (Carlos Imperial) He takes them as hostages tying up Kevin in a pig pen and he rapes Eva. China's evil lesbian sidekick has relations with Belinda because she promises that she can help her escape. However, no more than ten feet away from her cell China shoots her the back multiple times. How will Kevin escape and save Eva from this fat bastard?! You’ll just to spend a day or two in the valley and see for yourself.

"Sorry just mud water to drink, no wheat grass juice."

"This hog's gonna bite my hog!"

"Give us some damn privacy, now!"
 There is a massacre and a valley of the dinosaurs so this is one title that lives up to its name. Just don't expect any actually living Dinos. It’s a jungle adventure only hindered by it’s budget. The director Michele Massimo Tarantini aka Michael E. Lemick was thinking big and keeps the pace moving at full throttle and when it does slow down it’s only because it’s being padded out with naked women.
Can’t recommend enough
10/10 on the CULT-O-METER

 Professor Pedro Ibanezis is dead but his books live on, don't forget to read,
"Dynamics of Evolution"
"Paleozoic Etymology"
"On the Trail of the Last Dinosaurs"

And  watch our Tribute Video! The Professor would have wanted it that way.
Massacre in Jurassic Valley

Follow Theater of Guts @FilmGuts
Follow Skunkape @TrailersPU

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