-Reviewed by Skunkape-
 |
| Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini 1985 |
 |
| Three's Company in the Jungle |
The sexy Eva (Suzane Carvalho) rides into a small village
with her father. Her dad is a professor and author of many books on anthropology.
They are there to explore the forbidden valley of the Dinosaurs. The Professor (Leonidas Bayer) charters a
flight along with an ex Vietnam vet and his drunk wife, whose always giving him
a “hard” time about not being able to get it up. Also on board, two gorgeous
models and their photographer for some sleaze ball magazine. The plane is fully
booked, so how does bone finder Kevin Hall (Sopkiw) from the Boston Institute of Paleontology manage to get on board? He overhears the captain mention that their
stop in the valley of the dinosaurs is a protected preserve and an illegal destination so he uses that
to blackmail the pilot for a seat on the floor.
Why is this valley such a big deal? Well because many who go there never return. Rumor has it that there's a curse. Is the curse of this sacred valley real? I’m convinced it is! As soon as they even get near the location, the plane gets all screwy and the pilot loses all control, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the pilot's drinking. The plane crashes as we witness a toy model being thrown around in someone’s backyard. OK, maybe the crash effects aren’t quite that bad but the inside of the plane looks like it has Ed Wood written all over it. The plane is wrecked and sadly lives are lost including the professor, a model, and the pilot. The Vietnam vet and former Captain, John Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) takes over immediately after the crash. He boasts that he knows jungle survival and will keep everyone safe. He exclaims something like, “…all jungles are the same, what’s the difference? We’re just replacing Gooks with Indianos.” (Indianos is Italian for Indian) He unsympathetically rushes those with dead loved ones to stop mourning and Eva watches her father breath his last breath and die. Now the fun begins!
 |
| "Let me on the plane...please!" |
 |
| "I'm Dog the bone hunter" |
Why is this valley such a big deal? Well because many who go there never return. Rumor has it that there's a curse. Is the curse of this sacred valley real? I’m convinced it is! As soon as they even get near the location, the plane gets all screwy and the pilot loses all control, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the pilot's drinking. The plane crashes as we witness a toy model being thrown around in someone’s backyard. OK, maybe the crash effects aren’t quite that bad but the inside of the plane looks like it has Ed Wood written all over it. The plane is wrecked and sadly lives are lost including the professor, a model, and the pilot. The Vietnam vet and former Captain, John Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) takes over immediately after the crash. He boasts that he knows jungle survival and will keep everyone safe. He exclaims something like, “…all jungles are the same, what’s the difference? We’re just replacing Gooks with Indianos.” (Indianos is Italian for Indian) He unsympathetically rushes those with dead loved ones to stop mourning and Eva watches her father breath his last breath and die. Now the fun begins!
 |
| "Before I die, will my daughter get my sky miles?" |
 |
| "I feel like I'm being watched." |
Captain Heinz is clearly the alpha male here and Kevin tucks his tail under his legs, for now. Heinz takes the survivors down a trail that follows a river. When they start to hear animal noises Kevin warns them that these are the sounds of the Aquara (Aquara? not a real tribe) Indians surrounding them. The photographer sadly falls prey to piranha and loses his leg. When he makes too much noise, Heinz stabs him through the back to shut him up. Kevin attacks Heinz for his heinous act but unfortunately gets knocked down a water slide of rocks separating him from the group. Don’t worry though he’s OK and even manages to barely get away from a hungry crocodile looking for some lunch.(oh crikey) The Captain and his wife get attacked by the natives and shortly after Eva and Belinda, (Susan Hahn) the model get captured. Betty Heinz, (Marta Anderson) the vet's wife falls victim to quicksand. This attack becomes one war the ex-soldier Mr. Heinz can’t come out of alive, he’s hit with about 5 or 6 arrows and pinned up against a tree. The chief stabs him in the chest and pulls out a piece of his entrails for a little snack. A little while later Kevin rescues the ladies from the cannibals. He disrupts a ceremony in which a shaman wearing a triceratops headdress is using Eva and Belinda in a barbaric ritual . Kevin hijacks one of the tribe's canoes, so the cannibals set up a giant net further down the river and with three shotgun shells left Kevin shoots the net and he hits the Indian’s chief causing them to retreat back to their camp.
 |
| Tricera-TopHat! |
 |
| Pull my finger! |
 |
| "Made you look!" |
 |
| "Sorry just mud water to drink, no wheat grass juice." |
 |
| "This hog's gonna bite my hog!" |
 |
| "Give us some damn privacy, now!" |
Can’t recommend enough
10/10 on the CULT-O-METER
Professor Pedro Ibanezis is dead but his books live on, don't forget to read,
"Dynamics of Evolution"
"Paleozoic Etymology"
"On the Trail of the Last Dinosaurs"
Professor Pedro Ibanezis is dead but his books live on, don't forget to read,
"Dynamics of Evolution"
"Paleozoic Etymology"
"On the Trail of the Last Dinosaurs"
And watch our Tribute Video! The Professor would have wanted it that way.
Massacre in Jurassic Valley
Follow Theater of Guts @FilmGuts
Follow Skunkape @TrailersPU
#Sopkiw
No comments:
Post a Comment