Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Dr. Vampire

Dr. Vampire (Jiang shi sheng) Directed By Jamie Luk, Starring Bowie Lam (1990).

I stumbled upon this movie while searching for weird hard to find trash on Amazon Instant, this is what unfortunately has been replaced by the gratification of a video store raid. It's just not the same, but I need this to try and sharpen my hunting and gathering skills, instead of sifting through endless junk at an actual store because they are a dying breed. If only we could turn the hands of fate backwards because technology makes everything expendable. Ok that was a little grim--I definitely miss the search for underground sleaze, but this is the next best thing--so I'll take it!
   Prior to making this, Jamie Luk made one epic motherfucker of a movie with Robotrix, nothing can top that, so put it out of your mind otherwise you will automatically be disappointed.

I suck on lawyers cause blue blood tastes like Jolly Ranchers

Dr. Chiang Ta-Tsung (Bowie Lam) a foreigner from HK is on vacation in England, he stumbles into some kind of kinky vampire castle filled with white people. He goes down into the basement to find what he thinks is a victimized girl when in fact, he's just interrupted a monster in the middle of puncturing her next meal's throat with sharp protruding fangs.

   After he orders a Coke (which the busty bartender drugs) he falls victim to the charms of Alice, the bloodsucker.
   They hook up and she bites the doctors crotch, little does he know she's infected him with the virus (how he didn't feel teeth marks on his dick is beyond me)!

Z-Cavariccis, pleather and despair 

   Her master, played by the unhinged Peter Kjaer, is a white yuppie with a ponytail, after he tastes some of the doctor's ginseng flavored blood, he wants to track him down because it's that delicious.
Golden Harvest regular Shing Fui-On (most famous for his role as The Blue Jeans Monster) makes an appearance as a mob boss patient at the hospital.

YAAHHHH I need these blue jeans to be surgically cut off pronto!
   The Doctor and his two surgeons buddies act like "Hong Kong Stooges" and get into some wacky hijinks. I like Luk's style of mixing Westerners who are subtitled but speak English and how the Chinese people relate to them, sometimes they make fun of them behind their back.
   This shitheel doctor it turns out is married and his doormat of a wife finds bloodstains in his underwear and lipstick in his collar, the second being very cliche, the first part only occurring if you happen to keep an Aylmer (from Brain Damage) in your drawers!

   For the man that delighted millions of horny fans with the biggest boobies ever seen on an Asian rib cage there's a serious lack of nudity! Even though the cast is entertaining and talented enough to peak your interest, I missed the sleaziness.

I make this shiitt look good

   Dr Chiang starts to dress like Dracula and wears "Gangnam style" shades, I apologize for bringing that reference back from obscurity for a split second!
  To quench his thirst for blood, he drinks V8's and while he performs surgery, he starts to salivate over an open wound. These are some inspired moments that made Dr. Vampire a lot of fun.

Higher than Richard Marx on a cracked out panic attack!

This shouldn't be classified as a typical Jiangshi vampire sequel because there's no hopping dudes who get destroyed by sticky rice or prayer scrolls. Although once the poor dope figures out he's a vampire, they poke fun at the mythos by dressing him in the Quing Dynasty garb and he even hops a little.
   There are some hilarious sight gags that look very gay from the perspective of a nurse who keeps barging in. When he shows the vampire crotch bite to his pals from the nurses view, it looks like they are giving him a double blowjob!

two heads are better than one

   Alice tries to help him destroy the head vampire whose also her slave master. Later on he fires laser beams out of his eyesockets, this is the first time I've ever seen a creature of the night do that trick.
   The Doctor's two idiot friends do help out a lot which is good, but the say offensive things like "I sleep around a lot, you may get AIDS if you bite me" to Alice.
   One hospital vampire gets a boner and stalks different nurses, his dick actually can bend steel--this is so out of left field that it's almost surreal! The second half sort of melds into a Chinese True Blood style love relationship. I didn't really care for the romantic elements (big surprise I know), but it doesn't hinder your enjoyment that much. 
   There are many opportunities for gratuitous nudity, but none is ever shown, so don't expect it.
It's still enjoyable though in a Cat 1 way, even if the pacing is a little too slow and Dr. Chiang's zany friends take up too much time.
   At the last minute, a Van Helsing/ Lam Ching-Ying figure played by Ni Kuang, shows up to battle the undead toward the end of the film.
   He helps out in the clumsiest way possible as Dr. Vampire and his new companion fight the Western vamps from the beginning.

Vampires don't have laser eyebeams!

   There's a lot of made up vampire folklore like laser vision and giant syringes which can affect them, so make sure you toss out your Universal Monster knowledge and try to relax and enjoy the ride.


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