Panic Beats

Panic Beats (Latidos de panico,Frantic Heartbeat, Nightmare House), starring and directed by Paul Naschy (1983).

Be forewarned, there are zero werewolves in this movie, so very sensitive readers with a lychanthro-fetish may leave the auditorium at this time!

Are they gone, OK on with the review. I'm as shocked as you are that I seriously dug this film by the Spanish Wolfman! My sister (Machine Gun Kristin) mentioned that it was on YouTube and it's bat shit crazy, so even though I'm not the biggest fan of the Nasch-man I was down! What's up with that title though, all these things came to mind: Panic Beats by Dre? Panic at the disco, the beat kids segment from Wonder Showzen? How bout you just put it on and don't let the title scare you away, let it absorb you like a pad of butter and syrup soaking into a stack of pancakes! 

Paul this time plays himself I guess ( his character has the same name at least). A ghastly knight stabs the shit out of a wailing blood strewn naked woman in the forest, poor lady. Then many subtitles are hurled your way, you don't have to get all the finite details or nooks and crannies to enjoy this wacky flick, so relax. Alaric (who's also the ghost knight we saw wreak havoc at the beginning is back from the grave and ready to party)! His scary portrait hangs in the house and he looks exactly like Naschy's character, coincidence? The same medieval jerk also appeared in Horror Rises from the Tomb, a previous film by the same director.

Julie, a Latina Diane Franklin looking babe played by Frances Ondiviela hears the frightening tale of the cryptic knight and scoffs at her creepy aunt. Some of this plays out like a telenovela only with Naschy getting half naked. I don't mean to pick on these people but they all seem to have gingivitis--remember to floss everyone out there. 

I just bit off Ricky Smith's tentacles

Julie slowly walks around in the dead of night wearing a see-thru nighty. She has a nightmare about severed heads and her ghostly aunt shows up with a hole in her neck and a blueish face, it's a freaky scene. 

Alaric the haunted knight is obviously stalking the house lurking around in the background, searching for fresh victims. Next, two zombie guys abruptly show up, they both have one white eye, maybe they both had glass eyes like Sandy Duncan and the mortician didn't notice? 

It gets even worse for Paul's wife played by Julia Saly, as the knight shows up again with a grinning skeleton face looking exactly like a Scooby Doo villain, he scares the pants off her and causes a heart attack all the part of his diabolical plan. What plan you're wondering, well I'm not giving it away because I've signed an iron clad contract to not spill the beans anymore you'll just have to see it for yourself. 

Zoinks, how bout a mouth watering dagwood or a scooby snack?

Once the Latino wolfman's wife dies he starts humping everything with a pulse including Julie but thankfully not her crickity old aunt Maville, that might've caused me to lose my lunch! Ladies must find him irresistible, since he's got the libido of a rabid hound dog. 

Anybody got some peanut butter to sop up these strawberry preserves leaking from my skull?

There's a gut busting scene where Julie cracks open a girls head and her entrails fall out (this pic was featured in the centerfold portion of Deep Red Horror Handbook). I wonder if Shane Dallmann had some influence on that part in the book. He's the main reason a lot of these were featured in the DR catalog. This may be one of the best PN flicks of all time even with all of the Telanovella type bullshit. More fun than a sadistically depraved episode of El Chavo Del Ocho! Mondo Macabro put this disc out and it's worth picking up.