Monday, May 4, 2015


Rhonda Shear with a major Simpsons fan

Gilbert with the Puppet guy from Spookies (Peter Iasillo Jr.)

MONSTER HIGH Directed By Rudy Poe, Starring nobody you need to know (1989)

For one week only in April, the brain trusts at ToG got together, ate a little too much Fiddle Faddle and drank waay more Jolt Cola then necessary and devised a plan to bring us slightly more attention by having a USA UP ALL NIGHT week. Sure, we all know NIGHT FLIGHT was a legendary staple that came before in 1988-1996 and changed TV forever (I mean there are tons of dead blogs and message boards drooling over its importance, but coincidentally many trashy films that we've reviewed were featured on UP ALL NIGHT and we had no idea (until we found some sacred scrolls locked in a suitcase containing the list next to the Scientology ones that reveal the secret plot of Xenu and his minions). My pick will be MONSTER HIGH, one of the most incoherent but charming trainwrecks I've seen in awhile.

This was the 90's when horror hosts were still lurking about, but was pretty much considered an 80's or 60's thing. I used to love Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs, but eventually all the great horror hosts were replaced by infomercials and colorbars, this was a better time before reality TV. 
Even today we still have some current shows like Creepy KOFY Movie time and we support those still carrying the torch paved by Zacherely and Ghoulardi. Webbs, their resident fact rat has chipped in a review before for us, he's a swell guy. Just imagine during this week that a whiny Jewish comedian or a blonde bimbo will interject and make fun of the movies and you'd get the full experience of UP ALL NIGHT. 

so on with the review . . .

The beginning of this film reminds me of the opening to Peter Jackson's BAD TASTE, only if the tape machines and office equipment was handled by a guy in a top hat with a heavy Brooklyn-eese accent, a real New Yawker, his dialogue sounds like it was recorded in the Port Authority bathroom. There's some Twilight Zone inside jokes and bad over-dub voice overs that seemed an afterthought. I imagine the producers were like, "No one is gonna know what's going on, help clear it up with some narration or editing". Or maybe the director ate a bunch of mushrooms and everything started to unravel into what we ended up with here. Mr. Armageddon (who's described by the top hatted mook as a hemorrhoid with eyebrows) shows up later. I've read all the complaints on Amazon of parents who bought this for their kids, thinking it was the popular cartoon with the same name (I guess no one reads the fine print or looks at the rating anymore)?
Two skinheads from the planet Polyester steal a box that squashes an adorable dog, BASTARDS! At Montgomery Sterling High, the aliens drop the doomsday device, which turns out to be a basketball--Better call in an expert like Teenwolf to dunk some shots! Everything about this movie is utterly stupid, the first 5 minutes seem like an eternity. Mr. Armageddon does stupid shit like make horny gargoyles and the theme song tries to be a dime store Casio version of Bobby Pickett's Monster Mash (it's actually kind of funny in a horrid way)!

As terrible as this movie is, I'd watch it anyway over Frankenstein General Hospital and oddly enough the related bad monster comedy Dr. Jekyll Together again was featured on USA UP ALL NIGHT.
Jocko Homos

They rack up all the sex jokes pretty early, there's a horny coach (who looks like my high school teacher/coach who was fired for getting a little too "close" to some of the girls and cheated on his wife). There's also a weird bible penis shooting sperm version of Space Invaders, which seemed like an inside joke that I didn't understand--it's still pretty funny though. This film is so wacked out, I had to rewind most of it to process what I was seeing! It's so cheap and shitty, but so repulsively charming that it could only work in 1989, if it came out now, it would've been done with all CGI and maybe play once on Cinemax or the SYFY channel.

More fun than Diarrhea Dan

The pacing and editing comes off like NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR, which we all know was 3 films stung together desperately trying to make some sort of semblance of a film, this one is on purpose though! 
Giant Lobster stuffed Larvae in sneakers?

I like how the teachers and the students of Monster High are all in their 40's, there's no bullshit that maybe there's an age difference. Mr. Armageddon finally makes an appearance (played by David Marriot who was in THE FINAL SANCTION and DEATH HOUSE,which was directed by John Saxon). This character seems to be a punished demon with one long finger nail and slick backed greasy hair and a flat nose, whenever he kills someone he paints out their year book picture with red fluid. I almost feel like if the producers of this film read this review, they would be like, "Why did he try to make some sense of any of it, why not just down a Clamato and Chill-ax, you're missing the boobs"!

One character gets suffocated by a giant condom then comes back as a zombie.
I admire that level of sleaze and this film is kind of epic in it's ineptitude, all the super retarded jokes worked for me! Next a Mummy shows up and the bible sex video game player is decapitated by his Commodore 64. The special effects are pretty great and it's always fun to see what the make-up creators went onto later, like Matt Mungle who actually worked on Schindler's List and oddly enough Roar, which didn't really have special effects, the people were all genuinely hurt! Goat Scrote promises to review that film currently making the midnight theaters c/o of Drafthouse Films.
A heavily methed out Corey Feldman is constipated 

There's a dominatrix teacher who appears in a nightmare as a severed head and an onslaught of sight gags. This film almost defies reviewing, it should be laughed at and confused by. I can only recommend this film to stoners, there' not enough alcohol on the planet to make this movie easier to watch! This was the perfect film to stumble upon in the middle of the night, it's why 80's 90's cable was so great. Stay Tuned for our next UP ALL NIGHT review and let us know if you have any memories of this show in the comments section or on the FB page!


Cool, play my favorite song, "You Must Fight to live on the planet of the apes!"

Nerf vaporizer for kids

A very horny episode of Tales from the Darkside


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