USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: DR. ALIEN

Dr. Alien (I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac) Starring Billy Jacoby, Directed by David DeCoteau (1989).

Judy Landers, the never nude, apparently gets naked in this USA UP ALL NIGHT and cutout bin favorite, well not exactly (stick around and we'll discuss this a little bit later). There's more celebs crammed into this floating space turd than a very special episode of Hollywood Squares!

SHEESH, It sure was a gas!

Billy Jacoby (or now Billy Jayne for some unknown reason) has been in almost every magical 80's film or TV show, just check out his resume on IMDB. Here, I'll name two that would have the most impact on anyone who grew up during that time period, Beastmaster and "The Bishop of Battle" segment of Nightmares, seriously that's all you need and he was also famously in Just One of the Guys!

OOps, my brain wiener came out and I pooped my pants

Jacoby plays Wesley, a total fucking dweeb. At the breakfast table as his family talks about his grades in College, there's a cereal box that spoofs this director's notorious dud Creep'o Zoids, actually I thought this was a clever joke! I'm not sure why I've waited this long to see this movie, I think the stupid cover box scared me off (and sadly I never got to see it on the USA channel). Wesley has a cool dude Stiles from Teenwolf type buddy who tries to convince him to get it on already and date some babes! Coincidentally, Stuart Fratkin as Marvin in this film, actually played Stiles in Teen Wolf Too-- talk about perfect casting!

Shasta, the only soda that makes werewolves choose you as their wingman

Judy Landers plays one sexy biology teacher named Mrs. Xenophobia, which could be taken two ways, had this been a Stand and Deliver type teacher in the ghetto situation, her name literally means "Fear of Immigrants" which would take on an entirely hilarious connotation, but thankfully she is an actual alien, so I guess she must be afraid of herself.

I'm filled with seething hatred for my own kind

She prattles on and on about ejaculation (I guess it's time these 40 year old teens learn about sex ed, am I right)? On the Mr. Skin site, they classify this as sexual (no actual nudity, but apparently she shows one single boob in Armed And Dangerous, if anyone cares).

Wait, does this count as nude, taking off my face?

Wes meets Drax (Raymond O' Connor), Mrs. Xeno's lab assist who looks kind of like Otho from Beetlejuice, only more pint sized and bug eyed. The geeky teen shows up after class because he has the hots for the teacher and wants extra credit. Landers pulls out a Herbert West style neon green syringe and stabs him in the butt. I've heard cases of teachers giving blowjobs to their underage students or getting impregnated by them in the news lately, but this is crossing the line! The shot actually causes Wes to sprout a dick out of the top of his head! 

If you're up there, where are my balls?

Soon after Mrs. X, fully dressed by the way, proceeds to hump her guinea pig student. If you've read my review for Hellhole, then you might remember how Judy Landers suffers from the same condition that befell Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. I like how when he becomes a cool guy, Wes says to his parents, "Sorry I gotta run, no time to eat", does that mean Bulimia is cool, not funny movie! 

Wait, I can't hear you, I forgot how to turn off that scrambler

The cute United Fruitcake Outlet girl from Repo Man played by Olivia Barash is Leaanne, Wes' love interest. He tries to impress her with his new open chested popped white collared shirt look. He gets into a drag race with a jock, both of them have the totally wrong vehicle to be involved in a car chase. The incidental music sounds like if Freddy Mercury went solo and tried to imitate Bobby McFerrin.

As Wes and Leanne go to make out spot, Mrs. Xeno and her assistant hide in the next car wearing hipster shades (the kind Mr. Shoop from Summer School convinced his students to order). The brain boner seems to make girls horny because Leaanne forces herself on him. You'd think the pineal gland in From Beyond would have the same effect, but that deformity only makes you want to suck brains out of eye sockets.

Where we're going we don't need roads or pants

When we do get to see actual nudity it's in the form of awful breast implants (Sorry Julie Grey, I hope you've gotten them fixed since). Linnea Quigley and Ginger Lynn also show their boobs too (but haven't we seen enough of them)? 

You mean you replaced Herbert West's secret formula with Anti-Freeze? Uh oh!

The brain penis finally reveals himself to its owner (why it waited half the movie is anyone's guess). This strangely enough was the least believable part for me, among an ocean of ludicrous scenarios, because whenever the head dick pops out he never noticed it before--I'm not buying it, but I guess it's too late and it doesn't matter anyway. 

Ello Gov', Wink Wink, Say No More!

The highest masturbatory fantasy that's been in almost every straight male's subconscious happens when Wes shows up in the girl's locker room and they all get topless and try to bone him. See all you gotta do is grow a brain penis and all your dreams will come true!

This dude doesn't care about the locker fuck fest though, all he wants to do is impress one girl, Leanne of course. How can he land an honest girl, when all he does is cheat?

His radical buddy comes up with the "genius" plan to have him start a cool rock band to impress her with a rag tag bunch of rockers (one is named Slash, but doesn't wear a top hat). The name of their band is The Sex Mutants (I guess because Alien Sex Fiend was taken). For some reasons the way Billy Jacoby's hair is feathered, it reminded me of the cheeseball look of T.S.O.L.'s lead singer Jack Grisham (which is a band I like by the way).

GIMME MORE COCAIIINNNNNNEEEEE!!!

One of my favorite lines in Dr. Alien when Leanne finds her stupid boyfriend surrounded by groupies is "What happened, Did you start taking asshole pills"? 

Mrs. Xenophobe finally reveals her true face (which is on the box cover, SPOILER ALERT, JEEZ)!

I actually enjoyed this movie, why it's not helmed as a fun 80's classic over the flavorless Earth Girls Are Easy is beyond me!

This flick is available on an overpriced VHS tape on Ebay, or you can join Charles Band's streaming site and see it over there. 

DOESN'T DESERVE THE WORSE THAN PLAN 9 CRITICAL SLAM, MORE FUN THAN YOU'D THINK!