Monday, April 6, 2015


Artist's representation of Charles The Bizarre Alien
Crank here (0r Erok, Eric, whatever the cat's out of the bag now, so I guess I should drop all these internet handles)! I've been looking for new writers and have found one with Charles, he's here to tackle one of my all time Turkeysploitation favorites. Enjoy and stay off the poultry! 

BLOOD FREAK (1972 Steve Hawkes, Dana Culliver, Heather Hughes, Larry Wright and Brad Grinter as the narrator . Written produced and directed by Steve Hawkes and Brad Grinter )

(image from Cinema Arcana,

Review by Charles The Bizarre Alien 

PRAISE JAYZUS! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Just say NO to drugs! Hallelujah!!!! Blood & guts! Agggggggggghhhhh!!!! Wha???????

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you an AMAZING film, well at least to me, it is because it is well, amazing! Considered the world's “Only turkey-monster-anti drug-pro Jesus GORE film!” Yes my friends, it really IS all that and more! Around 2006 or so I got into the band Blood Freak thanks to my old friend and ghoulish president of Razorback Records, Mr. Billy Nocera whose label subsequently released 3 albums by them. Great death/grind/gore/metal madness with their mascot being this blood thirsty nutjob maniac 'turkey monster'. 
Turns out it was from a movie and after I looked it up I knew I HAD to see it! Not to long later the stars were aligned just right and I found it in a local store used/mint for about $8! 

Blood Freak the band

I took it home and watched it and I was like WHOA! What we have here is a film that starts right out with this cigarette smoking gentleman (who reminds me of Russ Meyer for some odd reason) introducing the film by stating some philosophical mumbo jumbo about life and blah.blah.blah. Thru out the film you will be interrupted by his story telling, which I thought was and is pretty funny and kinda cool. I still wonder how many cigarettes he smoked and how many takes he had to do? Ha!ha! 

Blood Freak's message? that cancer sticks are healthier than weed

Anyhoo, the movie finally begins and we've got this very tall “muscle bound biker” gentleman by the name of Herschel (producer/ co-director Steve Hawkes). The biker is having a nice time riding his motorcycle on a beautiful sunny day when he sees a lovely young Lady (Angel played by Heather Hughes) on the side of the road experiencing some kind of trouble with her engine. There's barely any dialogue what so ever and he follows her to her house where we meet some heathen hippies who are sitting around smoking the green and snorting poppers.

She said I was a tiger she wanted to tame just like that Billy Ocean song

Angel is a fine Christian Lady who loves Jesus and tells Herschel all about it . He doesn't seem to mind and is a nice decent moral fellow. A sexy swinger hippy Lady approaches him and he kindly tells her “no thanks!,” which she's offended by, but her partner looks like he is about to shit his pants when she tells him that guy over there said “i'm a whore” (which he didn't, in a manner of speaking ). 

I can totally suck a golfball through a garden hose!

Herschel is introduced to Angel's free loving, sexy pot smoking, drug loving sister Ann whom he turns down repeatedly! Herschel isn't a "Christian", but he has got them MORALS people! 

The story continues as a Christian/anti-marijuana/anti free love film and is kinda slow but not boring mind you! The feathers start flying when the main character, finally gets SICK of Ann pestering him about being a loser and decides to try some weed that one of Ann's hippie band drug dealers hooks her up with (he also wants revenge for the Elvis clone insulting his girlfriend, so this is a “special” kind of pot)! Before you know it, Herschel is ADDICTED! 

Great, now I'm also addicted to tryptophan! 

Besides suddenly becoming a hardcore pot head, he also needs a job. Luckily, around the same time, this guy who happens to have a turkey farm/laboratory offers him a job to clean up around the place and do various chores, like picking up the birds and putting them back inside the fence la la la. He is also offered extra money if he'll try some “harmless experiments", which has him just saying YES to eating turkey meat that turns this once happy bible thumping jesus praising just say NO to drugs and illicit sex lunkhead into a total WTF!? THIS IS A TOTAL GOOD TIME GOBBLE FEST!  

This Thanksgiving I implore you to eat a nice baked ham instead

NO sooner does the innocent biker (who resembles the fused DNA results of Elvis Presley and Peter Steele both combined with some serious muscle-age (otherwise known as DANZIG, -ed). He turns into a freaked out looking turkey headed hippy blood drinking psycho monster freak-o and the rest of the film is spent with him killing random women and men here and there, including a would be rapist (the guy gets a deal to use Ann as a blow up doll by another greasy dirtbag dope fiend!) until her BF gets a hold of him, resulting in one of the most HILARIOUS gore scenes ever in my book! 

What the sadistic San Diego Chicken does off the clock!

He chases the dude into a warehouse that just happens to have a table saw and after sawing off one of the guy's legs (after he knocks the guy out then places him on the table)! The guy nonstop screams in a loop that had me in PAIN from LAUGHING my ass off! It's also a little disturbing as the guy is holding his stump and it just drips drips drips! It almost sounds like the sample from an early industrial noise band like SPK or one of (early) Throbbing Gristles creep-fests, Just hilarious and odd! The same scream is heard a few victims before too which cracked me up as I drank my beer! Am i giving away the entire plot? Well dang it, I got caught up alright? 

TG's unrecorded "Annual Jive Turkey Report" went over like a led balloon

There is more to this movie and lemme just say, if you want full entertainment with some Bible studies, moral/immoral friction between 2 hot sisters (sorry, NOT sexual friction!), unintentionally HILARIOUS dialogue, 2 clueless lab technicians, (the balding large guy is beyond HILARIOUS! I wonder if the actor got into comedy)? 

Isn't Turkey, the Chicken of the Sea?

If you want to see a guy plagued by moral dilemmas now thanks to Marijuana and sweet lovin, a very odd and dark make-out scene between a girl and her Turkey monster lover with the words of “Gosh Herschel, you sure are ugly!”, a sketchy 'Turkey' scientist, a cool soundtrack, a narrator that looks like Russ Meyers cousin and/or an aging porn star, Turkey hunting 'whoa dude!” hairball hunter and praising the Lord, among other oddball assortments, then get off your backside and check out this fine film! 

Released on DVD by the fine folks from the legendary SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO! The disc also comes with literally a TON of extras! Tons of trailers, some shorts (wanna see the director/smoking narrator Brad Grinter NAKED? Watch the nudist short “Brad Grinter, Nudist!”) and a buncha other fun wacky stuff for your entertainment and educational means! 
Nobody asked for this!

As the WARNING states “This program contains nudity, sexual situations, violence and gobbling”! Ha!ha!ha! On a side note, actor Steve Hawkes (“Herschell”) portrayed Tarzan in 2 films, but was badly burned during a scene and later did this movie, which he quotes as “This was during a SAD time in my life!” Well, speak for yourself Mr. Hawkes! This movie is GREAT man! I SALUTE you! Years later he appeared in an episode of ANIMAL PLANET and apparently is a very cool dude (especially for his works, caring about animals and nature) I doubt you'll ever see a movie like this ever again. Cheers to the fine feathered folks behind this great film! This has been The Bizarre Alien saying KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES and beware of blood drinking Turkey headed man monsters! Yeeeee-ha! Gobble! Gobble! P.S. 2-3 beers were consumed as I watched this again! It helped! (seems like you should've had more to drink, -ed)!



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