Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Torso Directed By Sergio Martino, Starring Suzy Kendell (1973).
If there's one sub genre I really despise it's Giallo, but I'll be damned though if this doesn't have one entertaining credit sequence! A camera clicks while demented heavy breasted Lesbians get down to some horny business with freaky dolls. I've tried to watch this at 16000 video, which was a great trashy video store in Florida. I could never stay awake and had to bring it back before I could give it another watch. This is the first time I'd seen it since the mid 90s and it was never available on Netflix (it was always on save).

Most epic trailer of all time

    It's pretty mediocre, but easy on the eyeballs. The mystery elements are convoluted and irritating and the gore is minimal. But what do I know, I hate giallos!

   Torso is a very famous Giallo, but for me, it's a departure for Sergio "Monkey Javellin" Martino. I'm used to him shooting sweaty cannibals and slaughtering animals for the sake of Neo-realism. But I guess I'm biased because I've never seen a Giallo I liked (unless you count Argento's films). As most horror fans know Giallo is a term associated with cheap yello pulp trashy mystery novels that have overblown sentence titles like An Iguana with the Tongue of Fire or Black Belly of the Tarantula. It's almost always an animal in some crazy situation and to me equals cinematic tranquilizer. The scores are more enjoyable than the films.   

   After being mesmerized by one of the greatest trailers of all time, how could I not want to give Torso another chance! It was parodied by Edgar Wright as "Don't" in the fake trailers portion of Tarantino's "Grindhouse". There's never been a more cheaper and effective way to sell a Giallo than to have stings of fuzz guitar over extreme zooms and cartoon hacksaws.

I brought this to cut the birthday cake
   Torso opens at a college in Rome, as a killer in a ski mask spies on a couple humping in their car. The secluded location they pick, looks like a demolished construction site and doesn't seem very sexy to me. Most of the women in this film are really attractive and look like busty 70s models. They give away the clue early on that the killer cuts up women and imagines he's slicing a giant doll. So as a viewer, you suspect someone with these kinds of issues and mental hang-ups will eventually spill his guts to somebody and then you'll be able to figure out who the killer is. If I learned anything from Maniac or Mosquito The Rapist, it's that limp dicked wienies who cant perform for prostitutes and almost strangle them to death are dangerously unhinged criminal suspects. That's just what happens to this sweaty creep in a hotel room who's offered Swedish movies as an aphrodisiac. I think the college kids in Torso might get more action than the super horny ones in Pieces.
They smoke dope in abandoned buildings and grope each other, its soo European!

Check out the fun bag on this hose hound!

   One girl, who leaves the party in a huff is confronted by the serial killer out in the foggy woods. For some reason whenever I see someone in a ski mask, it reminds me of Ratfink and Boo Boo, or surf garage bands like The Go-Nuts and The Swiss Family Skiers. It's probably the least menacing costume a killer can wear, I don't think anyone would even flinch at Jason Voorhees' name had he worn a helmet crochet out of material from the yarn barn.

More appropriate attire for garage rock, not killing co-eds

The college students all seem like rapists and some girls begin to suspect one of them may be the killer on the loose. A bug-eyed cutie with orange hair played by Tina Aumont (Salon Kitty, 70's Playboy) is prank called by a guy doing a hilarious Alfred Hitchcock impression!

 One rodent-like creep who looks sort of like Richard O Brien as Riff Raff gets intentionally and repeatedly smooshed by a car until he dies. Well, there's one murder suspect you can cross of your checklist!

Cut it out, ugly people have feelings too Ya know!

   This Italian village looks like it's near a fallout shelter as a bunch of mutant townspeople drool over the scantily clad college girls joy riding around. They focus on a red scarf that a teacher wears, the bug-eyed redhead believes he used it to strangle a murder victim. The killer uses a variety of weapons, like hacksaws, knives and frilly scarves he's a total creampuff.

Stop ragging on my eye balls, I happen to have proptosis!

   The film starts to really drag toward the middle and even though girls start taking their clothes off, it get really tedious and threatens to sink the whole momentum. Then bang, the killer shows up at the cottage and murders all the girls accept Jane (Suzy Kendell). Too bad she gets trapped in her nice house while the killer slowly uses a hacksaw to chop up the bodies of her friends. Once the killer is finally unveiled, he has some great lines at the end and blames it all on "bitches", saying "Death is the best keeper of secrets". Torso is a typical Giallo infused slasher, it's enjoyable enough to keep it bobbing toward the surface but also duller than shit. But then again I'm not a fan or Giallo-Puddin', It's available from Blue-Underground. I've definitely seen worst, which is not a good recommendation.


I should've starred in To Sir With Love 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yeah reach for the doll, what could possibly happen?


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