Monday, October 20, 2014

The Female Vampire

The Female Vampire (Erotikill, Bare breasted Countess, The Loves of Irina) Directed By Jess Franco (1973). 

Lina Romay (Franco's main lady and protagonist) sure knows how to accessorize--I mean that Dracula cape, boots and belt-- is a fashion statement that could really turn heads this Halloween! So yeah-- Jess Franco, one of my least favorite directors is back here on TOG! Why may you ask am I bothering to review The Female Vampire, because in the catalog under the title Erotikill (which I fondly remember seeing as a big box at my favorite video/convenient store in Florida). Chas promises "spunk sucking vampire perverts", which sound as repulsive as you'd imagine. What obligated me to watch it, was that it's available on Netflix instant and its high time I subject myself to more Jess Franco torture (even thought I suffer from Franco-phobia)!

Aubrey Plaza in This Ain't Parks and Rec XXX.

   You can't ask for a better opening (pun intended) than a furry vampire lady crotch thrust into the camera--am I right? As inviting as those luscious lips may appear, whatever you do, don't let her suck your dick, because she will gnaw it off and you will instantly die!
   Erotikill, as it is called in the catalog or The Female Vampire is the tale of Irina, a bloodsucking lesbian mute connected to The Karnstein legacy. Carmilla by Sherdan Le Fanu is very influential on some of the most gore soaked and sexually explicit Hammer Films and Blood Spattered Bride (which I've previously reviewed). It's kind of silly how they spell it Karlstein with an "L", maybe they didn't get permission or something. Franco and Rollin basically owe their entire careers to that filthy little lesbian vampire novella and always draw from the same well. 

OK we're here for the audition Mr. Abrams

   Lina Romay has one fuzzy bikini line and doesn't wear pants for most of the film--excited? If I were a twelve year old discovering this on late night Skin-A-Max, I would be beside myself. I just imagine Franco peddled this movie to different lurid producers by pulling them aside and offering his wife's cooch as part of the deal and by the end of this flick, you may never want to see it again!

BURP....Why did I eat 40 hotpockets before this scene?

   Jess shows up in one of his famous cameo roles as an Inspector, for some reason his disheveled pudginess reminds me of a beatnik Paul Williams. He mentions how Countess Karlstein blew the chickenplucker and murdered him in that bizarre fashion.
Lina's fuzzy pussy is shown off so much, it should have gotten a separate acting credit! 

   Inspector Franco ventures to Maderia where a blind fellow who looks like a collegiate version of Lemmy from Motorhead helps him solve the mystery of the pantless crotch biter.
There's scene toward the end where he grabs a hairy handfull of squawk and solves the mystery right then and there. For a vampire flick, this is a drip dry bloodless affair. Even though there's barely a plotline, its oddly fascinating in its shear stupidity.

Get me my agent (says the vagina)!

   The Countess has a crush on her journalist friend Anna and begins to haunt her. Anna's body has pock marks and weird veiny nipples-its pretty gross! In fact the sex scene they both participate in is hideous (seminal fluid dribbles from Lina's mouth)!

   Sometimes the jazzy music sounds like Vincent Guaraldi- the Charlie Brown guy.
A John Holmes looking fellow played by Jack Taylor (Pieces, Conan The Barbarian), periodically shows up through out the film want to know the secrets of being a vampire. 
He gets that fatal crotch bite soon enough. 

   An abrupt scene with butch sadomasochists happens that doesn't really add much to the film (unless you like to see ugly women have gross sex). I've read that there exists a hardcore porn insert version, which I'd imagine projectile vomiting as soon as I popped the cassette into the VCR!
Pay no attention to those fart bubbles

   It all ends with the Countess taking a Bathory type red bath while bobbing her merkin up and down as the camera gynecologically zooms in and out. This movie is completely idiotic, very trashy, has no redeeming qualities and yet it still kind of works. I have no idea, why I enjoyed the film, its really dumb but I know Franco-philes will love it. It's reprehensible unabashed garbage! Watch it now before Netflix figures out they are carrying erotica. Fandor is aware of what they carry and is behind this kind of content, they are the cult film Netflix.


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