Friday, August 15, 2025

Terror in the Aisles

 


Terror in the Aisles. Directed by Andrew J. Kuehn (1984).
Before taking notes I forgot that I already sort of kind of reviewed this movie on Kindertrauma but click the link here to see what I mean.  
This is basically an expanded version of that aforementioned letter. ENJOY.

 This is a film that had an overpowering effect on me as a youngster. You need to see it at a certain age to not think it’s just panders to the genre or that its merely a clip-show. For the gore-hound not yet jaded by it all, this is a perfect sampler. The technology to see everything known to man didn’t yet exist which is why I’d imagine the blu-ray turned some people off who’d already seen the films covered. This one taught me about rare films of the time like Vice Squad (1982), MS.45 (1981), Nighthawks (1981) and it had offbeat ones like The Seduction (1982) with Morgan Fairchild. Growing up in the suburbs in the 80s I saw this on WDZL channel 39 in South Florida. That channel was thee shit back then. On that station is I also saw Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Re-Animator (1985) 

In middle school I subscribed to Fango and did a report on horror movies of all things. My classmates cackled during the scene where Linda Blair did the white-eyed demon dance and screamed "FUCK ME"! I brought in a VHS dubbed copy to school. I’m fairly certain I saw these snippets before the actual William Friedkin sacrilcious puke-fest.




The first movie they show clips from during the Donald Pleasance narrated start is When A Stranger Calls (1979). I remember as a young child my mom turned the sound off of this film. She said, the music is what makes it scary! It took me a long time to watch this early Carol Kane stalker thriller and it’s an unexpected treat. This review will tend to veer off into other movies terrain because this is in essence a horror compilation. I saw clips of John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978) in this before I viewed the original, SHOCKING I KNOW!



The frenetic editing rhythm turns into a guessing game of how many films will you need to see later or which ones can you name. I remember setting my VCR to record Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) because I saw clips of it initially in this film. I guess I owe “the aisle”, a valuable teaching tool this review at least or a ritual sacrifice--not! 



Fred Asparagus aka Joe Mama Besser exploded drummer of Spinal Tap and the barkeep in Three Amigos (1986) is hysterical as one of the ghetto theater shouters! They perpetuate an ethnic stereotype in this scene that people of color shout at the screen in urban grind houses. This is that bit of racism that wouldn’t fly today in 2025. Or would it? Billy Crystal even made a joke about this bullshit! 

Nancy Allen looks very attractive in a news anchored way. Jaws (1975) clips interspersed with Halloween (78) clips happen. Donald P. drops Dr. Phil style psychology on yer ass in an unwarranted off-putting way! ICK! Hey, let me outta this theater I’m going to the lobby to get a snack! 



They include huge chunks of The Marathon Man (1976) which is a powerful film but not Horror. At the time I was dabbling in special FX makeup to emulate Dick Smith, Rick Baker or Tom Savini three of my heroes. Smith did half the makeup for the films featured herein including Marathon Man (76). The Psychotronic review of this compilation was from the perspective of someone who’s seen these films separately verses this being the entry point. In today’s world that’s virtually impossible. I haven’t read other reviews of this but watching again as an adult I can seen why people might think it’s a waste of time.




TITA gave me ideas on what to watch next and made me crave more and more horror/action flicks. So in that respect it’s sugary sweet mush for your brain. Two action series they include are Jaws (75) and Alien (79). This is where I first discovered Wings Hauser in his most famous role as Ramrod in Vice Squad (82). This was the very first clip I ever saw Rutger Hauer in as the global terrorist Wulgar. Terror I believe was making a point that action films can also be traumatizing and fit in with horror too.

Hauer Vs. Hauser




 Midnight Express (78) is another great example of a tense thriller with horror elements. You should take this mixtape as a crash course in cult movies. Jack Sholder’s Alone in the Dark (82) shows an extra unhinged maniac played by Martin Landau. 

they don't give Oscars to assholes--oh wait!


Nancy Allen parrots the 80’s mentality that these films exploit women and they for some reason show a classic like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane (1962). Jamie Leigh Curtis bumps into hospital walls, as Jack Nicholson terrorizes Shelly Duvall’s character in that Stanley Kubrick cabin fever epic. The clips of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (78) reminded me of how I initially saw this and then the Mad Magazine parody before I even watched the 70’s remake. I wonder if Nancy Allen felt uncomfortable narrating sex scenes from slashers. They rag on sex work too when a clip of The Cat People (1982) with Lynn Lowery is shown. Plus we get Jane Fonda looking at her watch in Klute (1971). Now there’s a film I have yet to see. 

It seems sacrilege to me that they rescored movies like MS.45 (81) or Midnight Express (78), Dressed to Kill(80) too---"Hell No Pino Grigio, I mean Donaggio" but once again I was totally unaware!!! This is before I heard their brilliant scores yet because I was probably in the 6th or 7th grade. DVDs barely existed and the internet had yet to ruin culture. Oh yeah and if spoilers trigger you don’t bother watching, most of the juiciest moments are exposed, punchlines are answered. I saw this one clip of Phantom of the Paradise (74) with Beef in the shower hit in the face by Winslow Leech's plunger before I even watched the entire thing. 

The goofiest, slap happiest moment of all is the MTV style music video called “They’re not very nice"-Larry Weiss. The synthy tune celebrates animals attacking humans and how the world is sick and they're used to it. 

Pleasance warns us not to leave the theater and go home all alone. Someone should've warned him not to go to Italy and make shitty movies (that I love)! 



I think in today’s horror community this mentality that says gore movie fans are psychotic maniacs is long gone. Horror nowadays is more accepted than ever and perceived even further as coming from an all inclusive point of view that’s accepting of the other. That’s why we now have Queer horror and more open and honest perspectives on this misunderstood scene. Woke minds are re-evaluating old classics. In my mind horror tells the future and regurgitates culture, it reflects on what we all fear in an enjoyable, cathartic way. Each Splatter film's goal is not to harm but to heal. Scream Factory released this on Blu-ray in the plague year of 2020.
RECOMMENDED FOR A 9-13 YEAR OLD IN A PRE-INTERNET WORLD. ALL OTHERS WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

City on Fire


 

City on Fire Directed by Ringo Lam, starring Chow Yun Fat (1987).

A butcher knife stabbing with gangsters running wild at a swap meet ignites the flame of this Ringo Lam cop drama. This was the movie that inspired Tarantino to create Reservoir Dogs. So far I don’t see it but what hasn’t old Mr. foot fetish/Oscar winner ripped off from the Far East? 

Right off the bat the film is littered with sunglass wearing black tie gathering attired gentlemen. Chow Yun Fat plays his standard bad-azz cigarette dangling undercover cop role brilliantly. The victim in the 1st scene was an also a narc that was killed in a jewelry heist, right now he’s in the morgue deep freeze. Ski mask wearing thugs break into a bank office and stab the mgr’s hand to make him cough up the safe code. This is part of the "on fire" trilogy which includes School on Fire (1988) and Prison on fire (1987). Coming soon you’ll see the others in the series reviewed on TOG. 

Mr. Yun-Fat’s character has a girlfriend, they hop in the shower together and their banter is all toilet driven. Yuck what a scene! The comedy is subtle among the head kicks and blasts. There’s a Cabaret singer that looks like an Asian Etta James, they sing the search montage led by Chow. 

Heh heh funny?


There’s copious amounts of cigarette smoke trickling around in this flick. The cheesiest part of this flick is the cornball jazz! Chow is strong armed into going undercover to intercept the jewelry thieves that stabbed his partner to death. Bony and tiger are some of the ski masked thugs who wield razors and knives with their standard issued guns. Cop cars start flipping over and then are sprayed with extinguisher liquid.

Eradicator!


Poor Uncle Kwan, one of the most sympathetic characters is aged out by a kid in his 30s! This drives him to literally drink himself to death.The scene in the graveyard reminds me of The Onion Field (only idle threats happen not fatal ones). The wire that Chow wears and the mailing tape sticking to his skin--EEeek! That part seemed inspired by Midnight Express (1978). The undercover Narc posing as a gangster is the only connection this and Tarantino’s first movie. Plus it's so much more than that and the ending is very satisfying. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Shout! Studios is giving this the 4K upgrade and it's coming out next month. 

hey good looking we'll comeback later


I can't, this corpse smells funny

we also can't charge QT with plagiarism






Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Blood Spattered Bride (Mondo Macabro edition)



Blood Spattered Bride. Directed by Vicente Aranda starring Maribel Martin (1972).

The last time I saw this was on YouTube or at a crappy site called B-MOVIES. I rented the Mondo Macabro Blu-ray from the record store I work at currently. You know MM, that insane company that's released gems like Lady Terminator (1988) and Virgins from Hell (1987), of course you do! They offer both Spanish language and English versions and the uncut edit. This is a Spanish take on the French lesbian vampire lore as discussed in my original review. And it's related to The Karnstein Trilogy of Hammer Horror respectively. This is a Queer coded Vampire flick that Jean Rollin the king of Lesbian Vampires specializes in, which seems like it would be related but it is not.

provocative already?


BSB just four minutes in already gives us a rape scene that shows full bush nakedness! 
We're immediately introduced to a sexual fetish level of kinkiness, so get ready for that! I'd imagine the more sensitive viewers have already left the screening, sweaters tied around their necks, their hush puppies damp with urine from fear!

sensitive viewer depiction 

The juicy atmosphere is gloomy castle with spooky portraits that reveal ghostly figures, there's probably a moat around the back.

Susan played by Maribel Martin has appeared in three movies reviewed here Moon Child (1989), The School That Screamed (1969) (which was featured on Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell 1987) and finally this one. Her character keeps seeing a shrouded blonde woman. The filmmaker wants to get us titilated in the most awkward way by showing the brides pubes again! Post coitus, Susan actually asks her husband if that was his first time!! Now if you think that’s a good sign, you might be an incel!

or just a lousy lay


They show a poor fox get shot in the head. It looks like a real animal. If you want to make us hate the husband character job well done movie! I suspect the wife wants to humiliate her tormentor. Simon Andreu plays the husband (and that's his only title, no name is given)! Andreu appeared in so many top notch Italian Giallos like Death Walks on High Hells (1971) and Death Walks at Midnight (1972).

the stench of capicolla permeates the air


The wife character draws all these cool portrait sketches I can relate to this. The legend is finally told about the blood spattered business and a grave has been violated consistently. What a shitty honeymoon Susan is dealing with, she probably should’ve went gambling in Reno instead. 


FUCK IT! Let's get bloody!


The cast of this film is very small. It’s only about five people! The screen flickers as we see what the bride really wants and that is to receive a delicious bite from a hot blonde in a purple shroud like Alexandra Bastedo. In the English version, I don’t remember the flickering lights. Be careful if you know someone who has epilepsy, you should warn them about this part. 


I can't possibly finish this En-Cor meal, shall we call Al?


Susan leaves a sacrificial ivory blade under her pillow. Miss Karnstein keeps visiting her in the night, she's basically a fem Nosferatu. We get an erotically charged bloody stabbing scene this is the image from the poster. Now dear readers If you know the trailer from Mad Ron Prevues then you’ll remember this is the part that gave the giggly guy five year erection! Trailer.

raging boner


The blood in BSB is extra crimson and looks like melted red crayon. The psychiatrist and the husband agree that his poor bride needs mental help. Hopefully it’s not from the shitty kind you get from a podcast ad. I like how they hide the wavy sacrificial knife in the grandfather clock like a Nancy Drew book. 

quit being so handsy


The burial scene on the beach was very surreal and dream-like. Susan starts to feel more distant from her abusive husband, who is a total dick. Carmella gives Susan the special upside down rings. Not sure what the significance is, but they’re pretty trippy. Carmela has inspired her to wanna stab her husband now. This movie has such a rich atmosphere. The walls are interesting to look at and it never drags. it’s all very Gothic and Bava esque. 

encased in a melted crayon candy shell


Carmela is basically Dracula/Nosferatu brainwashing Susan into vampiric lesbianism. Right on says I. I mean, how could you not  celebrate their relationship the straight marriage she was trapped in was doomed from the beginning! Available to stream on Tubi but I recommend checking out a physical copy and support brick and mortar establishments while they still exist!

Thursday, May 1, 2025

Devil's Express (aka Gang Wars)








Devil's Express (aka Gang Wars) Starring War Hawk Tanzania (1976).
Who is War Hawk Tanzania, dunno but that name is FEROCIOUS! Let's find out together shall we?
 The music shifts from no wave to Barry White"s Love Unlimited style strings. 

Warhawk is also my porn nom deplume!


War hawk’s fro and droopy stache reminds me of a less attractive Lionel Ritchie. Warhawk or Luke Curtis trains to fight with his squirrely bro Chris played by Larry Fleischman. That aforementioned actor was in The Warriors PS2 video game as a back round police officer. Good for Larry I say! 

ICE decided to detain all of us based on nothing!


There’s all kinds of Chinese cave hijinx and flute music. Don’t look now but there’s a creature lurking in the forrest! I was waiting for a Gilman type monster to burst out already! It doesn’t quite happen though. We see an Asian man wonder around by traffic with giant white eyes painted over his! For a second I thought Larry Buchanan ghost directed this!

Larry paid me in day old circus peanuts


Warhawk's partner Chris kind of resembles Raoul from the Wild Kingdom segment of that UHF (1989) Weird Al movie. A bunch of Noo Yawk cops show up complete with phones and typewriter sounds. The main pig thinks Black and Chinese gangs are beefin’, duh ya think? 

Looks like we got another one of those long hard ones (and that's how we like it)!


An Ed Macmahon looking honky wanders into a subway after hearing a creepy AI sounding voice. Wouldn’t you know, Brother Theodore star of The Burbs (1989) and Letterman appearances is among the police. Brother T is shockingly quiet, I mean it’s unsettling! I'm so used to him screaming his brains out!
 
How come no one wants my autograph?


I originally heard about this movie when it was trashed in Bad Azz Mofo zine by David Walker. I once saw him talk about blaxploitation films and show clips at a Humanist church in Oakland Ca. Badazz Mofo was an influence on my writing for sure! The cops in Devil's Express all look like a hybrid of Tackleberry and Mauser if they mated. A bag lady with no brain filter faints after seeing a headless body on the subway. One thing I find irritating is how they only show the havok the monster inflicts but we never see the beast itself. OK Maybe we do see a grey dude in a shitty mask but that's not enough closure for some of us pickier film goers, sorry! My guess is that they had no money in the effects budget.  This movie is at least half as entertaining and unintentionally funny as Bare Knuckles (1977) or a 5 pack of Chuck Norris flix! 
AVAILABLE TO STREAM ON TUBI (for a limited time).

Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Burning Paradise



Burning Paradise starring Willie Chi Tin-Sang (1994).

Whether it’s historical landmarks like Once Upon a Time in China 1-3 or schlock like We’re Going to Eat You, producer/director/actor Tsui Hark is a force to be reckoned with. If Hark is connected its a guaranteed banger. We also get acclaimed auteur Ringo Lam who just directed the insanely fun action packed film Full Contact (1992). Ringo's films influenced Tarantino's career early on.

 BP begins in the middle of a sand torn war landscape. The gore immediately gets to soaked level! Swords clang and a horse gets decapitated by a flying guillotine.  


Fatal Flying Guillotine you wound up in my movie?

This Hong Kong flick so far is bad asssss! Two Shaolin monks are the main characters and a cute girl in a floppy hat. The younger monk is Fong Sai Yuk (played by Willie Chi Tin-Sang and his Master Chi Nun (Wu Xiqian). The female’s name is Dou Dou (Carman Lee Yeuk-Tung). 


The atmosphere shifts from blazing desert to frost bitten darkness. Fong Sai Yuk gets entrenched in an epic battle with soldiers on horseback. He wields a ginormous weapon that could be in a Capcom Arcade game. The sword slices through flesh and even stays in rock if you wanted to propel out a few cartwheels during the fight. 


It’s so heartbreaking when the main soldier callously stabs Yuk’s Uncle as he’s buried in rocks. The gore effects and cinematography are superlative! 


At the Red Lotus temple evil is a foot and some severed hands. I mean the place reminds me of a Ripped To Shreds tune or a MK set piece. 


essential listening


The monks are now property of the Quing Dynasty and they have all these rules including no martial arts! Shen Kung played by Wam Kam-Kong, is their ruler. These masterfully choreographed fights include flames, chains, the kind of shit out of a heavy metal music vid! 



Welcome to Rochester Ny


There’s a epic battle of strength every couple of mins yet it’s never boring and propels the character driven plot. Sai Yuk is thrown into a cave filled with corpses. An old Master Chi Sin helps him through act two. This fool says he’s been living off rats like Vermin in Time Bandits (1981



There's no worser farts than Rat meat ones


Shen Kung at first seems like a villain on par with General Zod but he does masterfully decapitate a female lickety-split! Kung does look stoned most of the time and paints with blood like that one H.G.Lewis film. 


Maybe you're the one that's really stoned!


There’s a female guard named Tsui ho (Maggie Lam Chuen) with a black face plate that reminds me of a minstrel act or one of those creepy Betty Boop cartoon characters. 


Boop Boop Ba-Dead


Our two main heroes wind up in the corpse pit again. This captivating movie has many elements from Indiana Jones but it never gets blatant about what it's copying. This film never slows down and there’s constant action. Vinegar Syndrome offers the new restored version of a film that before you could only find online in unsavory places or on a bootleg. Lately this company has been releasing very rare HK flicks that we reviewed in 2012. I know they’ll continue on in this trend and I’m stoked they are releasing top quality HK sleaze/ action. Thank You VS! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Thursday, April 3, 2025

Erotic Ghost Story 2





Erotic Ghost Story 2. Directed By Peter Ngor Chi-Kwan (1991).

When I saw this was part of Shout Factory’s dive into Cat III shit I figured after 11 yrs?!! It was time to review the sequel. I found this on Plex instead of having to buy the boxset, which has many TOG HK classicks that I highly recommend. The set is called Golden Harvest vol 1: Supernatural Shockers. Films include Sex and Zen,Dr. Vampire, Erotic Ghost Story 1-3, Robotrix. These titles besides Sex and Zen have all been reviewed here before when they were on inferior sources and VHS tapes procured after dumpster dives but NOW the genius people behind Shout Factory have them in superior HD quality Blu-rays packed with fun shit!



The director is an amazing cinematographer named Peter Ngor, this dudes resume is a blaze with hits like Armour of God (1986), Full Contact (1992) and the aforementioned Sex and Zen (1991)just to name a smattering. 

Skunkape revealed to me that he didn’t think much of this and complained about Anthony Wong’s annoying hissing! Wong plays Chiu-sheng, he bangs so many Asian babes but doesn’t do any butchery Untold Story (1993) style. He wears white makeup, a white mane and has a tail. He'll hop in a spiky cocoon with his Goth girlfriend that's where they have the best talks.

HISSSSSSSSS You like that ya smelly ape?


There’s an obscene amount of fornicating, ass play, I mean a raw egg rolls down some butt cheeks, just weird Cat III type tomfoolery. I’d say 70% of EGS2 is full of nut bustin’ content. Unless you're 12 years old, this kind of constant Skin-a-Max type bonin' is hardly sexy but I was never bored at least. There’s one sex orgy scene (of many) where they pass a joint and smoke what they call the “happy leaf”. The end throws a lot of sappiness our way, it didn’t impress me but it was a fun time nonetheless.
MARIO KART MEETS SUPERNATURAL CAT III STYLINZ. I can't wait to see how part 3 is! 
PART 1 &2 are available to watch on PLEX.
 

Just widdlin'


this movie sure blows NOT!

I'm here for the Evil-Lynn audition.



Sunday, March 16, 2025

The Occupant

 






The Occupant directed by Ronny Yu (1984). 
Here’s a film I saw as a trailer on the Deep Red VHS mixtape called Son of DR Deluxe (review here). 

Chow Yun Fat plays a cop who starts off catching pickpockets. Hansome Wong (Raymond Pak-Ming) an annoying car salesman makes bad jokes and tries to sell a lemon aka a shitty car. There are some white on white subs that blur together. If only I would learn Mandarin already!

sophistication and class

The bowl haircut main protagonist car salesman and his gal pal end up in a spooky house.He threatens to strip nude since there are ghosts? Ok whatevs! But wait, it turns out there is a haunting after-all! 

Great! Now I'm a fuggin mime!


Yun-fat’s police character busts up a massage parlor and hilarity ensues. The spectacled goof and his fem companion get freaked out at a seance. His girlfriend puts on clown makeup to try and frighten the hell outta him. When he falls off a ledge and winds up in female clothes Angie laughs at him! He claims that ghosts pushed him. This movie is very silly but entertaining enough to make you want to sit through the duration. 

Revenge of the Nerds HK Vacation


Officer Valentino (Yun-Fat) bullies Handsom Wong, the nerdy dude into submission and gets called a sex maniac! A ghostly hand raises up and slaps our bowl haircutted friend out of the building! This movie even throws a pop star ghost into the mix! This flick keeps tossing wacky wall wobblers at the wall to see what sticks! There’s lots of random half finished ideas.Why were they in such a hurry? 

I took all the drugs!


Angie goes to the library and uses the patented horror movie trope of the microfische machine. You know the one from the Amityville Horror (1979) and 100 other ghost /demon movies? This cinematic dud throws funny named characters at us like “Big Teeth” and "Poon". I did have to stop and start it a few times. 

It’s cool to see Shaw Brothers star Lo Leih as Chow Yun-Fat’s dad. Angie conjures up an evil spirit named Lisa Law, no really!Things erupt at a seance and Angie gets possessed!  It all ends with a wacky credit sequence that has lots of guitar wank. 

Ronny Yu has had a fascinating career! One of my favorites has always been The Bride with the White Hair (1993) I highly recommend checking out The Trial (1983) if you can find it. Later on, he directed Warriors of Virtue(1997), a strange kids film, Bride of Chucky (1998) and Freddy Vs Jason (2003)! I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed by the whole affair of that aforementioned slog. And yet this director really switched gears and just attained legendary status as the director who nailed the coffin in on two of the biggest horror stars to exist! I mean I'm not a fan but that franchise had to implode in a righteous way!It was at least memorable, this one not so much. Available to watch on archive.org
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