Sunday, March 19, 2017


Directed by Frank Henenlotter (1990).

For this third fake journalist report deep in the heart of Trashville, I took my wife because this is one of her favorite movies and it’s a good one for couples. The first time I saw this was on Cinemax in high school. I remember being fascinated by the way James Lorinz's character drills into his neck to ease his mental state. This was another brilliant collaboration between Fangoria’s Uncle Bob Martin and Frank Henenlotter. I even had the book version of the Brain Damage script written by Martin, that I ordered from Fantaco way back when. This was during the time where I’d ravenously watch anything that showed up in Fango. One time I even went to see William Friedkin’s The Guardian (which was retarded)!

We got there really early for the pre-show this time and they showed things related like a trailer for She Freak, The Deadly Organ, an Argentinian film by the same director as The Curious Dr. Humpp. I remember wanting to order the tape from SWV when you actually had to pick up the phone and tell them what you’d like. I still have most of these tapes and at this point I feel like I might be buried with them like some kind of pop culture mummy horder.

you knew getting into this relationship that I was in the SWV bucky beaver retro-porn club.

They showed a Kids in the Hall sketch where Scott Thompson plays that reoccurring hooker character, but the bit is that she ends up marrying a john (Dave Foley) and charges him for 50 plus years of service, then hits the streets when he doesn't pay up. The clip they used was on an old video tape that had some irritating laugh tracks from the Comedy channel. That show is one of my main influences and they were very ahead of their time. There was a trailer for Basket Case 2 (which is available to stream everywhere for some reason and it’s a fun time)! I like how Duane Bradley gets a high top Gumby style afro for the sequel.

This high-top fade is outrageously funky fresh!

There was a clip of Norman Lear’s Mary Hartman Mary Hartman with Debralee Scott (who I'm attracted to but Skunkape thinks she looks like Carrot Top) and Louise Lasser (who plays the worn-out looking mom in this film). They played a vintage clip of Psychotronic Video’s Michael Weldon and he reminisces about the defunct 42nd street theaters where he once saw Doris Wishman’s "Let Me Die A Woman". I’ve seen this clip repeatedly on YT and that magazine is one of my all-time favorites besides Deep Red of course.

This Trumpcare is making gender transition surgery a snap!

The last clip they showed was from The Body Shop (aka Dr. Gore) which is also a Deep Red pick that’s on the to be reviewed later list. My wife wondered how they got away with using The Sound of Music “My Favorite Things” song without Julie Andrews lawyers cracking down (maybe they did, I mean that director J.G. Patterson Jr. right after killed himself).

That piece of shit had to go!

I completely forgot how the music by Joe Renzetti sounds like a rap song is about to break out but it never starts! I love all the 90’s Time Square footage and subway scenes. As usual I’ll spare you the storyline details. There was a special drink, which I didn’t feel like taking a picture of for 10$. It sounded like a "Flaming Homer" and I think may have had cough syrup, if anyone who tried one reads this let me know if it was any good. I had a beer (a Yazoo sly rye) and Mrs. Crank had this coffee drink that’s pretty tasty.

I love how there’s a shit ton of pink lightning and purple goop or the adhesive he uses to stick on all the appendages of his dead girlfriend (Patty Mullen who was a Pethouse Pet in 1986), which also creates mutants in a tank. Joe Gonzalez (who never acted again sadly) is amazing as Zorro The Pimp, I love when he sees the little guy in the hooker hotel who says “Hey Zorro, What’s Up?” That’s one of those fun lines to repeat.

I got your fix for that Big Mac Crack attack Yo!

When Patty Mullen’s character starts picking up customers there’s one John played by David Lipman, who looks like the SWV caricature. I’ve only seen him in The Exterminator playing a scuzzy creep who burns a hooker with a curling iron dunked in a jar of Vaseline. According to the director's commentary, he was the "Miracle Whip" spokesman as well. If it wasn’t for IMDB, I would be inclined to believe that’s just what he does in his spare time, visit hookers and do scary shit to them.

The lead prostitute Honey played by Charlotte J. Helmkamp, a former Playmate has the most presence, I was surprised that she’s only appeared in a few other things including Repossessed. It always cracks me up how Skunkape rented that Linda Blair flick and made everyone in his family watch it, until he felt that the 2$ rental fee had received enough millage. Shirley Stoler from The Honeymoon Killers and Peewee's Playhouse is a tough arm wrestling bartender.

There was a dude in front of us who chuckled in an off way, it reminded me of Sloth from The Goonies. As much as I love going to these Midnight movie screenings, I kind of wish there was a featured host similar to The Castro’s Midnites For Maniacs who'd give out prizes. I actually won a couple during Maniac (the "Goin to a Showdown" disco band album) and a Latin CDR by Willie Colon, the guy who contributed a song to the soundtrack of Vigilante. I encourage anyone who lives in Nashville to support this theater and go to all the Midnight screenings and just like the inferior ghoul voiced by John Vernon from Creepshow 2, “I’ll save ya a seat!”  

I bid you tidings of painful hemorrhoids!


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