Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Cafe Flesh

CAFÉ FLESH (1982) Directed By Rinse Dream, starring Michele Bauher. 

The last porn we reviewed was an Emanuelle flick by the king of gorgonzola smut, Mr. Joey Baggadonuts D’Amato! But I mean with all the sadistic violence and traumatic festivities can we really classify those as fitting the bill of boner material, not really, unless you’re a serial killer I guess. It’s almost impossible to enjoy the sex scenes without fearing a tornado of depravity is about to assault your libido and leave you cowering in the corner like a victimized weeping target, crying in a shower stall. Is Cafe Flesh any better or in porno terms, hotter? No it’s artsy fartsy, nihilistic and also dystopian and eye-poppingly art deco to the max. I should be mildly ashamed that I’ve actually seen the 90’s sequel before this one, but whatever you can’t judge me!

It’s got one of the sexiest babes who turned into a scream queen later on in such classics as Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Terror On Tape, Michelle Bauher (under her skin flick nom de plume Pia Snow). So let’s all dive into this deep dish pizza of MTV highbrow futuristic sleaze and cheese and pretend we never did to our friends.

Welcome to the place where monkeys spank you!

So here in the mutant future we’re dealing with impotency (Sex Negatives) and horniness (Sex Positives) who hump it out for the repressed masses in a nightclub setting. This is already reminding me of a Devo video and for some odd reason Defending Your Life, the bad comedians attempting to impress the elderly deceased who are confused in the afterlife. The main MC guy played by Andrew Nicholas, looks sort of like Bowzer from Sha Na Na and is just as hilarious, which to say is not funny at all. Total unabashed sexual awkwardness and zaniness is this director’s calling card and he actually influenced Mr. Gregory Dark, who I vaguely remember discussing his Satan worship in Psychotronic Video (Yawn, excuse me while I drink more coffee to stay interested).

Everyone in this movie is deformed, I’m seeing pimples, pockmarks and misshapen faces and genitals—turn back while you still can! Or at least pull back your pants up, because not many brave souls can enjoy this one in the proper American masturbatory way like nature intended.
At least I can’t and live with myself!

Keep those pants down, it's just getting good!

The extremely obnoxious nightclub host I’m hoping will fall into a vat of acid or one of those Gwar “Slaughter-ama” meatgrinders. He dresses like a baby in clown makeup and antagonizes the fugly men and women trapped in this hellish flick. I could imagine renting this at Videowaves, my South Florida videotape emporium that supplied me with all my gore flick or adult watching needs back in the days when you had to travel to rent porn, drive 30 mins out of your way and get them back in time before they closed. I think this one would’ve pissed me off and forced me to demand, “I want my 3 bucks back!”  

We got yer money to buy us more lube and mime greasepaint!

If you do a Google search for the cast it’s awesome because Kevin James and Richard Belzer show up! There was a porn actor with the same name as the King of Queens, Adam Sandler punching bag but he died. According to Mike Hauss, Belzer was in a crowd scene but I didn't notice him.

my legacy will not be ridiculed Crank!

Rinse Dream (aka Stephen Sayadian) is no slouch and sort of revolutionized porn, as much as I hate giving any smut director any shred of dignity or credit, he deserves some for taking the new wave, day-glo approach to skin flicks and Jeanna Fine appeared in a bunch of them, obviously I have a little crush on her early stuff. Another flick by Mr. Dream is Dr. Caligari, yet another wacky adult flick that looks like a Devo video or Pee Wees Playhouse After Hours. That just mentioned flick is actually still playing at midnight movie showings as recently as in Nashville at the Belcourt.

Jerry Stahl (writing under the pseudonym of Herbert W. Day) penned this apocalyptic script and he’s no schlub either, I mean Ben Stiller played him in Permanent Midnight and how appalling is it that a porn screenwriter worked on ALF and Twin Peaks, Katy Bar the door, children shield your eyes, it’s the end of the world!

I'm working overtime on those TPS reports

I found this Playboy article from 1985 using my new library card research that allows me access to their databases. Stahl mentions in the interview that it was shot on one set the size of a Dunkin Donuts and its brand of apocalyptic erotica gained some traction as a cult hit in the Rocky Horror vein (man they got that wrong)!

This is less humiliating than working with Fred Olen Ray

This one actually influenced The Dark Bros, who’ve made some of the best 80’s smut of all time, the people in animal costumes, surrealness in hardcore sex--it all came from Rinse Dream first. Night Dreams was one of the first Stahl /Rinse Dream collaborations from 1981, which I haven’t seen. I mean they’re just warped, they don’t work as porn, nothing about it is sexy, but they deserve lots of credit for inventing this alt-porn sub-genre that finally became more exciting than it should’ve been, maybe the babes got hotter—I mean Traci Lords really elevated it, so to speak. And yeah I know she was criminally underage during New Wave Hookers, but it’s just a better adult film as far as what you crave from such a dingy disgusting forum. CF is just too highbrow for its own good, but maybe that’s not a bad thing, it’s just not for me. 
I know Houseofselfindulgence ( is a major fan! If you like highbrow smut than dial it up on your favorite porn site, very innovative for sure but can't really recommend it even if it paved the way.



1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I'm a major fan. I've thought about giving the sequels a look-see, but I don't think they can even come close to capturing the spirit of the original. Plus, Rinse Dream had nothing to do with them.

    Sha Na Na are playing Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls in January!

    Richard Belzer is the jive-talking, irate, twitchy audience member who can't believe Johnny Rico is going to appear at Cafe Flesh.


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