Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Last Blood

The Last Blood (Hardboiled 2, Hardboiled 3, 12 Hours of Terror) Directed By Jing Wong, Starring Alan Tam (1990).

No, it's not a shitty vampire movie but an Andy Lau lightning fast non stop HK action flick directed by the producer of such shocking films as Ebola Syndrome and Chinese Torture Chamber Story. Jing is not much of a director sadly, the combo of goofy humor and cold blooded murder is confusing. It's very entertaining though and hard to blink because there's so much insanity involving racing, punching or emptying smoking clips. Just the kind of shit you crave in a 90's John Woo style free for all. It opens with a confusing intro about terrorists causing terror and other kinds of "Engrish". 

Andy Tam and Lau seem to have no character names (they do mention how they resemble the actors that play them which is pretty surreal), there's some of that unfunny comedy that rears its ugly head throughout. According to HKMDB, which always bails me out of confusion (IMDB is worthless when it comes to Hong Kong cinema), their fictional names are Lui Tai and Brother Bee. There's a gun licking psycho in the mix named Kama Kura (Chin Ho), he's upstairs while Lui Tai intercepts a terrorist compound by saying "Hey guys did anyone order a pizza?" Immediately after discovering he's their enemy and must be killed on sight, they all end up torn in half by a hail of gunfire. The ultra violence is brilliantly executed in a creative and shocking manor, it's a righteous bloodbath! 

This shit happens every time we eat spicy wings and forget to take Zantacs

Tam's best pal Stone (Leung Kar-Yan) is a mustachioed cop who talks while an unlit cigarette dangles from his mouth, Bun E. Carlos style and it looks like he had it surgically implanted onto his bottom lip. Everybody wants to assassinate the Daka lama played by Law Shu-Kei, I figure it's a typo for Dali Lama. It's very strange that Tam and his partner discuss how he kind of resembles the real Alan Tam.

I taught Richard Gere everything he knows about de-clawing Gerbils

Next the evil Saporo (Jackson Lau-Hok-Yin) shows up, who's quickly established as a sick fuck who callously stabs a girl that saw too much, no witnesses I guess.
They throw in some wacky airplane vomiting and toilet humor with Andy Lau and then he and his girlfriend run smack dab into the Dali Lama type figure and call him a fucking idiot--that's harsh! 
It turns out the big Lama is in deep shit because terrorists are waiting to murder him (ones that we briefly met in the beginning like Saporo, who I know as a delicious Japanese beer). 

Alan Tam and Stone (who's still got that cold ciggy), show up at the terminal and then Uzis start ripping through backs--Man do they create havok when they go anywhere! All characters end up in intensive care with the Dali hanging on for dear life and the last blood aspect is a rare transfusion that he needs. I'm sure I've seen other Andy Lau films, but here he's an unlikeable spoiled bitch and this is not a good gateway film for his career. I've yet to see a Jet Li film that I like come to think of it (there are a few in the catalog like Black Mask). Alan Tam however reaps in all the cool points and consistently shoots criminals right in the face. 

I just laid a turd that's the spitting image of Keanu Reeves!

The dumbest character is Fatty and no, sadly it's not Kent Cheng like you'd hope. He's played by Armor of God co-star Eric Tsang Chi-Wai. Brother B (Andy Lau) is a total dickhead and in my opinion doesn't deserve all the help and credit he gets. I usually fall asleep during car chases, but this one looks so painfully authentic--I mean one dude seemed as if he was actually incinerated and others carrying machine guns rip through flesh and bone while riding down the stairs and flying over hills in unison, pretty impressive shit. The comedy devises are pretty appalling and usually violence driven, Haw Haw that guy was just shot by accident, hilarious! There's a whole unfunny toilet scenario with Lau clutching his bottom. Thankfully Alan Tam shows up again to class up the joint. More terrorists are on the rampage though and holy shit, Stone turns out to be a traitor and it has something to do with that cigarette! 

Are you from Quitters Incorporated, I told you it's not lit!

One crazy bitch with an axe starts chopping up people at the hospital to get to the Dali. Tam does summersaults through glass over and over again to escape the psychotic Saporo (I hope it was sugar glass)! The way Saporo dies is amazing, just like a landshark, holding an air tank and getting blasted away! They actually tried to pass this off as a sequel to John Woo's Hardboiled, how weird is that shit? There's so much offensive humor and extreme violence that it still comes out a winner, yeah the pacing is a little sluggish but there's so much going on that it works.



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