Thursday, February 20, 2014


Plankton (Creatures From The Abyss) Directed By Massimiliano Cerchi (or Al Passeri) Starring Sharon Twomey (1994).
There have been many films with an Italian crew and actors masquerading as "Americans" in Miami Florida. This seems like a whole subgenre in itself (along with Aladdin, Primal Rage, Devil Fish, Miami Golem and Raiders Of Atlantis), Plankton however, it so entertaining that it puts them all to shame! It's so out of left field, bat-shit crazy on so many levels that if you have to see one Miami-sploitation film involving over-sexed teens turning into fish and miraculously spawning human caviar, make sure its this one! This film is so 80's, it looks like the set designer from Liquid Sky and Earth Girls Are Easy got together and went hog wild. In actuality it's some douche named Eddie Reinhold (maybe Judge's brother), who never worked again!

3rd grader archeological etching
   A group of beach babes and dorky lunkheads get trapped in a storm and are forced to board a floating science experimental lab/gaudy Italian bachelor pad. They are being watched by a mutant creature (through a fish-eye lens, of course---guffaw, get it)? This crustacean has a whiplash action tongue that slaps around its victims!

Is this the Mermaid/ Bronie convention?

   The interior of the boat looks like a tinfoil covered hovel, flooded with neon lights designed by Pee Wee Herman or the production designer of Miami Vice on acid. A unibrowed character named Bobby (Michael Bon) is constantly horny and his pal Mike (Clay Rogers), a transgendered nerd, quickly becomes the only dependable heroic one, after the rest of them succumb to the disastrous effects of Billy Bass' second cousin Cleetus!

Pass The Duchie Frome Thee Left Hand Side Maan

   The teens find a half dead scientist with drool leaking out of his mouth who looks like Terry Kiser of Weekend At Bernies fame, only he's not a party animal like you'd imagine, he's a fish fornicator.
   After eating a badly cooked meal of trout, one curly haired blonde pukes up yellow vomit with undigested beetles crawling around in it. There's a sexy computer in the shower and a fish that sings two songs, one by Bobby McFerrin and another by The Talking Heads (not really)! Most of the weirdness comes from the random futuristic junk on the boat, that's never explained, but I'm glad it's there because it raises the bar into uncharted, can't believe what you're watching territory!

Gary Coleman's mutant fish Abraham on a cocaine rampage
   Another blonde named Julie (Ann Wolf), resembling a dime-store big budget action-era Sharon Stone, takes a shower as the computer tells her how to wash, in a lurid mechanical lady voice. 
The fish special effects are ridiculous, as the aquatic horndog turns into a lightning fast cartoon and the actors swat at it with bats.
Anally aquatic death sentence
   It pops out of the wall and attacks one poor girl's throat and later her face gets pulled under, while trying to wash. Mike the androgynous nerd says "Freud would have a field day" and confronts the "Weekend at Bernies" look-a-like scientist character about his sexual habits with fish!

Joey Silvera jailed for fish porn

   Bobby takes some of the contaminated plankton (which he thinks is spanish fly), as he humps the blonde, it transforms him into a hideous puking, sexual beast! His eyeball pops out and falls directly into Julie's mouth! Dorthy, the curly haired blonde from the beginning shows up later, then a giant sea creature pops out of her ass and attacks Mike the effeminate action hero. Plankton is completely insane, the effects are jaw droppingly hilarious, there's non-stop action and its on a sci-fi level of type over dubbed shenanigans.

Here let me upchuck this pork loin onto your plate
   None of the actors ever worked again accept Sharon Twomey, who coincidentally enough, ended up in A Fish Called Wanda (which is not an unofficial sequel to Plankton)! Be sure and check out the smug look the director Massimiliano Cerchi has on his face, he must be suffering from Claudio Fragasso syndrome, or an over-bloated unmerited sense of self confidence! Here's a great review from Facemelting Films .

Don't Miss it, It's a movie deserving of Midnight Movie Cult Status!

I want a newer drug

Yowl, I'm so fierce girlfriend!

There's a dwarf with a giant penis lightbulb next to me isn't there?

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