Sunday, February 16, 2014

Hollywood High


Hollywood High Directed by Patrick M. Wright, starring Kevin Mead  (1976).
Imagine you found a time machine and instead of doing something valuable like going back and shooting George Bush's mother in the stomach, like any ultra liberal's fantasy scenario, you decide to venture into a video store in 1986.
You scan the comedy section shelves for something new, a little bit different. You've already seen the Belushi-sploitation antics of "King Fucking Frat", the lovable pre-mainstream debauchery in "Losin It!" and "Nerds In Paradise" for the umpeeth time, so much so that you may puke all over your milkduds! What is there left?
I came here to rent something, but I contracted chlamydia instead
 Well courtesy of the brain trusts over at Vestron Video there is one final nail in the Beach Party coffin left to slam down, Hollywood High! So why would a hypothetical person risk life and limb to get in a time machine and risk averting 911 to procure a stupid videotape, because Hollywood High may be the most incredibly revolting, head scratching, Coors Abusing , homophobic, May West impersonating, Beach balling, spaghetti hurling, cop dodging, mind explosion this side of The Hollywood Knights. There's even random bestiality thrown into this dangerous powder keg of stupidity and insanity!
Carload of trollops

   Boobs are Goodies in the universe of HH, get it straight! And girls, sexually assault random strangers on the beach, who's first on deck you may ask, a mexican hobo with "cuban cigarettes". There's so much seaside frolicking that it may endanger you of hating frolicking forever!
The slutty girls surround the latin beach comber, just as they are about to gang rape him, wouldn't you know it, all of their boyfriends show up. The leader of the gang is a stringy haired greaser named The Fenze (played by the mentally challenged Kevin Mead). The Fenze is a yardsale version of The Fonz, a little more Ramonesy than Henry Winkler-ey, he says 'Heeeeyyyyy' instead of 'Ayyyyyyy' and according to IMDB has a fanclub that you can join for just a dollar. He cares more about combing his slimy hair then fighting (which according to him is why he's so good lookin).

The Fenze's B.O. enhances the flavor of apples 

   Many of the "actors" never appeared in anything else, but the most prolific one in Hollywood High is a guy named Hy Pyke who plays Mr. Flowers. Pyke plays the most exaggerated bitchy gay teacher who looks like Fred and Velma from Scooby Doo combined, he later ended up in Blade Runner, Slithis and even Growing Pains!

Whom ever smelt it doth dealt it
   The girls act like hard up hookers as they trade favors for cash, beer or whatever and even have sex with a gigantic a-froed midget, who falls into a tire. Your ears are treated to some of the most schmaltzy, cheeseball music in different locations, one song prattles on about The Pizza Plus, a local hangout, going into specific detail about hanging out at this swell joint. The lyrics are pure poetry "Down At The Pizza Plus pot, that's where we hang out alot", I'm sure it took the songwriter five minutes while driving to the set to come up with those lyrics. Most of the horny blondes remark about how they all wish they had some hot pepperoni, so frequently that it would've made a better title than the original one (since the nonexistent storyline takes place anywhere else but in a high school)!

Please for fucks sake, pour the beer in your mouth not on your face!

  Scott Glen, who handled the score later went onto fortune and glory as the music supervision on The Golden Girls and Saved By The Bell. The authority in HH are either child molesting teachers or cops who piss on their own shoes and are pelted with rotten eggs and fruit by the kids, (a random food fight automatically occurs since it happened in a famous frat movie with a certain fat junkie). There's hardly any plot to grasp onto, but with characters this one dimensional, do you really want to get emotionally invested in their lives anyway? The director obviously is self-aware, or just doesn't give a fuck. There's actually more pathos going on in a Lemon Popsicle flick, so make sure you turn your brain off before watching.

You don't know the half (pint) of it girlfriend!
   June East (Marla Winters), an even sluttier rip off of May West shows up to bang the younger chicks boyfriends at her mansion, she manages to almost murder The Fenze with her powerful vagina and is caught by the kids having sex with a lion!

A special cameo by Bill Gates
HH is completely retarded in the most entertaining way possible, I recently saw it at an illustrious screening where the beer flowed like nobodies business and everyone had a blast! All the characters have immature names like Mrs. Crotch, Big Dick's garage and than there's the lone named actress Susan (Severeid, who later used her full name in sleazoid classic Don't Answer The Phone). Director Patrick Wright has had an interesting career, he later played a prison guard in Maniac Cop and directed a MST3K panned film, Track Of The Moonbeast. Wright acted in one of my all time favorite Don Edmunds film, besides Ilsa, and that's Bare Knuckles! If you like your teen sex comedy devoid of all brain matter then get in that proverbial time machine and prepare to have your mind blown. Or if you don't have one, just pick up a copy at any yardsale or J4THOI video.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WATCH AT ALL COSTS!

Just toss that hot pepperoni down my gullet lady!

Don't be jealous of my "goodies"

You're doing it wrong!




2 comments:

  1. Who'd a thunk it that in only 10 years Scott Glen would go from horny teen 70's chicks with big goodies, to 70 year old grannies with depends and saggin' coochies!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's the cycle of life, these chicks are all elderly now too!

    ReplyDelete

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