Saturday, April 2, 2016


Lurkers Directed By Roberta Findlay, starring the left over cast of Frankenhooker (1988) 

Ed French did some of the effects, he's quickly becoming one of my favorite creature effects artists and I love reading about his grueling 48 hour work days in early issues of Fango. One particular horrendous story almost brought a tear to my eye when he mentioned getting zero sleep and acted as a Mr. Sardonicus style funky phantom on the set of The Jacksons early 80's song "Torture". If French is involved you can bet I'll most likely write up a review for Monster!, he's the underrated king of 80's creature features like CHUD and GEEK MAGGOT BINGO. 

Walter Sear who made DR. BUTCHER'S soundtrack so much more enjoyable does the wimpy score here, but whatever, he's still great. Sear gets the phone call when they need someone to overdub the original soundtrack like he did for 7 DOORS OF DEATH, which was a step down from the brilliant Fabio Frizzi one. This was Sear's last composition for film according to his IMDB.

This movie looks like it was filmed on the same block as TENEMENT when it got all yuppified. LURKERS is brought to you by Crown International Pictures or the film logo that looks like a cadillac hood ornament so you know it's extra classy! The only film I've ever enjoyed from that dreadful company was DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. Are you starting to chafe yet, because this dud is pretty irritating. It also doesn't help that one of my least favorite directors has left her stink all over this production, one Roberta Findlay, who New Yawk porn mook Jerry Butler described as a "homely as hell" and he felt it was sleazy that she used footage of the recently deceased Shauna Grant to profit from her death.

The crew at this haunted Jack In The Box hopes you get excruciating heartburn from our late night stoner meal 

Cathy the main protagonist is haunted by ghouls with haggard melted faces and a little girl with a powdery complexion and hair that looks like she was just hit over the head with a bag of flower or a giant pancake makeup powder puff.

This halloween costume sucks

Good thing she meets Bob, a fashion photographer who looks kind of like a fake Eric Bogosian and they immediately plan to get married---way too fast in my opinion. Their hair is both so high and processed that when they screw, it looks like their head hair is fornicating simultaneously. 
The vibe of this flick is sort of like a Tales from the Darkside on acid. Most of the cast was in Findlay's practically unwatchable Prime Evil, which they sometimes stick on Don't Answer The Phone as an uneven double feature. 
Cathy's boyfriend is scuzzy and seems like an unsavory creep. Her crystal ball meddling gal pal looks like a cross between Linda Hunt and Mary Woronov. The acting in this is so amateurish and laughable that it brings it up to a surreal level of stupidity!

This is Gozer reminding you to choose wisely otherwise you may end up a dime store Miss Cleo psychic like me

You'll vomit in terror as you watch the romantic pepperoni pizza and cheap champagne scene. I recognized a couple of "New Joisey" extras from FRANKENHOOKER, maybe they got lost and couldn't turn down the extra 5$ the director slipped them or the free buffet! 
The storyline is pretty flimsy, basically her insane mother pulled a knife on Cathy as a child, she got stabbed and the guilt of her memory is re-manifesting itself zzzzzz, Yawn excuse me I fell asleep there.


Oh shit, where's the crew from the late night reality show Cheaters when you need them because Bob is out being a lecherous hustler, a camera crew needs to report this to Cathy stat! The main reason I was deceived into checking this dopey film out was because of Bride Of Deep Red, But Hey let's not hold it against that excellent comp, it looked fun at the time. I gotta say though as drab and lifeless as this film is, it's an improvement over other Roberta Findlay movies I've suffered through, if that sounds like a challenge than go forth and drink lots of coffee to stay awake.


We told you not to double dip that motherfucking chip!

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