Crocodile aka Chorakhe 1979

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Sompote Sands (1979)

Why yes, another Jaws rip off. Shot cheap in Thailand and partly produced by the infamous Dick Randall, this giant reptile replaces the shark with the uninspired title simply known as Crocodile.

"Momma said, crocodiles are so angry because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush."

Out of the opening credits a narrator lets us know that, “from the very beginning man has been trying to destroy nature, and that one day nature could rebel.”  Well, sometimes we need to destroy it; after all we need to build homes , cool record stores, bowling allies and other shit, so there! However, I don’t think nature's with me and the movie kicks off with a deadly hurricane destroying a small village. Yeah, you really got your revenge nature, one small village, is that the best you can do?  Next a giant water spout forms, it reaches the clouds and we see a crocodile splashing in the water, barely, because the picture is so dark that I can't really see what the hell is going on.

 While eating dinner we meet two doctors, one married with a daughter and the other one about to tie the knot. The group is discussing the inclement weather and one of the ladies asks if the storm was caused by atomic blasts. Hmmm, so did crocodile create the bad weather, or was it the nuclear blasts and if it was the blasts then it must of been radiation that caused the croc to grow extra large and become super aggressive, right? I don’t think we ever really know and who really cares? I'm just ready to see some crocodile carnage at this point!

"Look the waiter is getting eaten by a croc, LOL"

"Go out deep, nothing to worry about."

"Stop, that tickles!"

The two devoted doctors plan one last get together before the big wedding date, they want a little fun in the sun. The movie tries to trick us when the bride to be pretends to drown. Real mature lady, great example for the kid too. I guess she was just foreshadowing her own demise because it isn’t too much later that both ladies and the kid are devoured by the croc.  

"My families dead but even worse, I'm back in school!"

'Hey you, Croco-smile for the camera."

After the tragedy, Dr. Tony Akom (basically Chief Brody) takes a leave of absence from his job and won’t rest until he finds out exactly what happened to his family. While he’s slowly discovering that this was no shark job, our giant crocodile continues wreaking havoc on small villages, destroying fruit stands, eating naked children along with a monkey and a cape buffalo.(I think that was a cape buffalo?) As Steve Irwin used to say, "He's a bit grumpy." The streak of mayhem seems to have a pattern and it clues the doc to where the beast might strike next.

Cape Buffalo Wings

12 year old boys doing full frontal nudity, just what every film needs! yuck!

I'm not going to list any of the films stars because the only real star of the film is the bad dubbing. It's what makes the dull parts, and there are many, so entertaining. For example when the Dr. is sulking over the death of his family, he has a flash back of his daughter talking about how she's learning to swim and has a new inner tube to help her out, well, you just can't help but giggle and snort milk out your nose. My all time favorite ridiculous dubbing has got to be Cannibal Mercenary with Calamity of Snakes as the runner up.

Once the two doctors know what they're up against they find a Quint and begin their search and destroy mission. But will they need a bigger boat? Hell YES!

"I'll get you the jaws, the torso, the scrotum, the taint, the..."

Well, time to go down and sing, Show Me The Way Home."

'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

This is just pure Z grade crap that is pretty darn entertaining. If you haven't seen it, your not missing much, but if you love Jaws rip offs and "When Animals Attack" type films add it to your movie bucket list. The film does have a mondo moment where a crocodile is sliced open at a market by a food vendor, Whether it was already dead or killed for the film I don't know, but it's clear that director Sands must of been watching some Deodato or Lenzi flicks.

Only Recommended for people who love Giant reptiles or fans of super silly dubbing. These two things put together make this a clear winner for this Smelly Ape!


Check out this Gut's Exclusive! We tracked down one of the Crocodiles who acted in this film. He was only in the X-rated version that was re-titled CrocoLingus for the European markets.
Hear what he had to say and watch the long lost newly restored trailer!

Which version do you prefer?

and if you get CrocoLingus fever 

and you're rich, grab some merch!

SHIRT 1

SHIRT 2

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY
Directed by Eddie Nicart, Starring Weng Weng
Review by Michael Hauss

Reviewing exploitation films can make you jaded. You watch and pick them apart and become so absorbed in the criticism that at times you have dissected them so thoroughly that you lose enjoyment and what was intended by the filmmaker to be a bit of escapism becomes more of a chore because of the plausibility throughout them. But, this insanely fun film is an exception. I could find many flaws within this film to give it a negatively tilted review, but, this film is such a totally fucked up joyous experience that its good points totally outweighs any of its numerous bad points. This film is a blatant ripoff of the James Bond film FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (UK, USA, 1981), that starred Roger Moore. By this time, the Bond franchises film's were so gimmicky and ridiculous, (but remained profitable nonetheless) that I could not force myself to suffer through anymore after viewing MOONRAKER (UK, France, USA, 1979) at the theater upon its initial release.

The reviews for "SPECTRE" are terrible! 

This film's star is the utterly fantastic 2 foot 9 inch charismatic Weng Weng born September 7, 1957 as Ernesto de la Cruz in the Philippines. He became a cultural icon the world over after the release of this film and would go onto to appear in a number of films, until his star burned out and he died alone and in poverty August 29, 1992. If your interested in finding out more on Weng Weng, there is a fantastic documentary called THE SEARCH FOR WENG WENG (Australia, 2014) which is highly recommended.

"Director Andrew Leavold will never find me!!!"

Weng Weng plays Agent OO, a pint sized James Bond, who through the use of weaponry and gadgets fights a bumbling gang of thugs to get to a Mr. Giant, who has kidnapped a world famous scientist named Dr. Koehler and is after his formula for the "N" bomb, which Mr. Giant plans on using to conquer the world. Mr. Giant is the head of a crime syndicate who champions the causes of evil. One of Mr. Giant's many illegal businesses includes running a bakery where he puts dope in the dough for distribution, he also besides selling drugs, runs a prostitution ring, and runs an extortion racket. Weng Weng with the aid of an inside informant in Mr. Giant's syndicate, a plant named Irma, whose information helps him to stays one step ahead of the gang who works for Mr. Giant. Eventually it's discovered that Irma is a turncoat and is sent to see Mr. Giant who plans on feeding her and the scientist to the sharks. Weng Weng becomes doubly determined to free the pair because of his growing affection for Irma, and he systematically takes out the gang one by one, until he has eliminated the ones guarding the map to the location of Mr. Giant's island hideaway. Weng Weng uses a jetpack to transport himself to the well guarded  island to free the pair of captives as the agencies other agents await the designated time to aid our little hero. This is where I will stop with the synopsis, as I don't want to destroy a thing for the potential first time viewer of this film, let's just say the conclusion is chaotic with many kills for Weng Weng and his supporting agents and a rousing finish to this funky little gem.

Weng Weng runs on Coke

Weng Weng Poppins

This film is littered with plenty of continuity issues and the dubbing is hilarious, as we are given bad British accents, old Hollywood gangster speak and just plan jaw dropping dialogue, case in point, when an inquisitive lackey asks the gang's leader Mr. Kaiser about the possibility of meeting or seeing Mr. Giant (who is not shown until the end), Mr. Kaiser replies, " with that curiosity of yours, your libel to wake up one day and find yourself dead." One woman tells Weng Weng that your a "little guy, very petite like a potato." But the best and the most laugh inducing scene for me was when an attractive police reporter is taking pictures of a dead body at a crime scene, one of the people looking on says, " I wonder if she does weddings and bar mitzvahs?" The score is a variation of the Bond theme and is over used to the point of irritation.

Meet Weng's Wang!

Order HERE

Weng goes for some sexual chocolate!

The cast is excellent and while not natural as an actor Weng Weng does an admirable job as Agent 00, who is a little ladies man and a bad ass with his guns and with his lethal martial arts moves, which relies heavily on repeated kicks to the genitalia. The body count In this film is high and while not Gore laden, it does showcase a plethora of gunplay and casualties. So here comes the nitpicking time, the first issue is that it seemed that Weng Weng' s gun seemed to jam a lot, forcing him into repeated martial arts related fights to showcase his expertise, the use of the sliding across the floor gag and shooting someone was overdone and he spent much of the film running as he was never shown operating a motor vehicle. But those are just some small things that cannot detract anything from this schlocky B-movie that gave this old jaded ass reviewer the thrill of finding that exploitation gem I've been searching for the last few months.

"I just saw boobies!"

Is this more degrading than midget bowling or what?

The director of this film Eddie Nicart has fifteen known directing credits which includes this film along with the Weng Weng films AGENT OO (Phillipines, 1981), IMPOSSIBLE KID OF KUNG FU (Phillipines, 1981) and D' WILD WILD WENG (Phillipines, 1982). Weng Weng has twelve credits listed on his IMBD page and those listed are the film's that have been found and documented, more films perhaps lost forever were made but have yet if ever to surface. Weng Weng appeared again as Agent 00 in the films AGENT 00 and THE IMPOSSIBLE KID OF KUNG FU. He was briefly featured in Mark Hartley's Filopinosploitation documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed (-ed). Weng Weng was once the darling of the Filipino cinema and media who was close friends of the first lady Imelda Marcos and a sought after interview and television guest, he went from a popular media figure to living in squalor and forgotten in less than 10 years, a real tragedy in my mind.

Let the spirit of Weng Weng Live on, so buy a damn T-shirt!

STYLE 1 or STYLE 2

The Whip and The Flesh

The Whip and The Flesh (Night of the Phantom, What!, Son of Satan) Directed By Mario Bava, Starring Christopher Lee (1963).

It's been a zillion years since I've seen a Bava or a Christopher Lee film for that matter but after recently picking up an 80's Fango that had an interview with the tall dark and gruesome Brit and having just finished reading the latest Monster! with a stellar article on The Dracula Hammer films by Troy Howarth, I figured it was mandatory to revisit this tale of classy S&M bathed in blueish darkness. Make sure you check out his books on Fulci, Bava and Italian Giallos on Amazon.

Whip was highly controversial at the time for its unabashed clout in depicting the incest relations of a sister and brother and the kinky relationship between Kurt (Lee) and Nevenka (Lavi). There will be no 50 Shades jokes in this review, there's enough of that tripe on the internet.

Don't give me any smart mouth

Everyone is edgy in the gothic castle because the evil Kurt has returned. Lee's dynamic voice is sadly snubbed out by some Italian dude overdubbing his voice, don't let that discourage you from enjoying the film however. According to Perverse Titillation by Danny Shipka, Lee felt so burned by poor dubbing that he wrote in his contract that he's to provide all dubbing for International films from then on. 

ladies love violence

There's all kinds of sordid family drama concerning Kurt's relatives that wouldn't be out of place on a telenovela. 

All the cryptic atmosphere is illuminated by a frost covered window, it's all so gothic and be sure to brace yourself for some slow plot development.

There are secret Young Frankenstein or Scooby Doo style passageways. The hallway even has rows of Knights in armor decor. Kurt must've done something so reprehensible for his father to ostracize him so vehemently, I guess they don't take kindly to misogyny even in the sexist 60s!

The constant howling of a mysterious wind is ever present, even on the beach. The characters dress in Victorian garb and look like walking thrift store knick knacks. Lee uses his whip in a sexual manor toward a girl who slightly resembles Barbara Steele Bava's usual ingenue, but it's actually Daliah Lavi (who was also dubbed). She gets turned on by the violence, a thoroughly taboo concept for the early 60s ( which is why this film was kept out of circulation for many years).

Anytime Lee didn't have to play the infamous bloodsucker I've read he was estastic (so he must've had a blast in this role). Although he had yet to appear in his second Dracula film, Prince of Darkness, so he wasn't that fatigued by the Bram Stoker figure just yet. 

A muffled ghostly voice calls Kurt's name and he accidentally gets stabbed by a jewel encrusted dagger. It actually kills him and during his funeral scene all the pallbearers where red hoods like a satanic cult. I know I've seen one of those guys in Lee's other great gothic horror film The Torture Chamber of Dr Sadism. He looks comfortable in a velvet coffin as he should, aye? The priest that conducts the funeral looks Latvian orthodox and its a random choice, it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld, when George tries to join their sect. The slain father character looks like Herbert Lom.

Cue Seinfeld bass line

Nevenka hears phantom whip cracks in the distance and is sexually drawn to them.

She is the object of Lee's perverse obsession, he returns from the grave and whips her, but it could all be a figment of her masturbatory imagination. 

The undercurrent of perversity would later on spawn better Bava films in my opinion like Bay of Blood. Whip comes off like a soap opera with incest and S&M, but never really delivers that jolt of fear that you crave from a creepy castle type drama.

Here's my Robert Blake In Cold Blood impression

It's slightly tedious and too melodramatic for my liking. Night of the Phantom, one of the alternate titles for this film is also a terrific garage number by Larry & The Blue Notes on a few volumes of the legendary Back From The Grave compilations. I highly recommend all of those records and 9 & 10 just came out a few months ago. Order at Crypt Records.com. As for the film, it take patience of steel, I admire that it has all these odd kinky elements in a more conservative time period, but it just lags too much and the dubbing bogs it down. Make sure you are armed with lots of coffee and watch it during the day. Fandor has the uncut version available to stream. 

WATCH HERE    

Mmmmm BBQ'd corpse, fall off the bone good!

Lone Wolf and Cub Series Roundup

LONE WOLF AND CUB

By Crankenstein and Goat Scrote.

     Lone Wolf and Cub, "the greatest team in the history of mass slaughter", slice and dice through bamboo and bone with a razor-sharp Dotanuki sword. They have chosen to wander the earth as demons, sworn to kill for a price. Ogami Itto carries his 3-year-old son Daigoro in a weaponized baby carriage forging a legendary trail of butchery and existentialism.

     There are six incredibly bloody movies in the “Lone Wolf and Cub” series, aka the “Baby Cart” series, aka Kozure Ōkami (“Wolf With Child in Tow”). In the Deep Red catalog they were available separately under various confusing titles like “Lightning Swords of Death” (which is a dubbed edited version of Part 3).
    The films are based on the manga of the same name(s) written by Kazuo Koike with outstanding art by Goseki Kojima. The manga author wrote most of the movies as well and gets story credit on all of them, with Tsutomu Nakamura co-writing on the final two films. There are other movies based on the manga and even a couple of TV shows.

     Director Kenji Misumi helmed four of the films and also directed both the “Zatoichi” and more demented “Hanzo the Razor” series. Buichi Saito steps in to direct the fourth film, and Yoshiyuki Kuroda the sixth. Eiichi Kusumoto is responsible for the fight choreography for the series. The stoic Ogami Itto is played by Tomisaburo Wakayama and his son Daigoro by Akihiro Tomikawa. Daigoro's gestures and confused look never come off like an annoying "child actor", he's very natural and does an incredible job. Yagyū Retsudo, the Lone Wolf’s mortal enemy, is portrayed by various actors throughout the series.

Wait, I thought you said no real weapons
around kids, where's my agent!

     The six “Lone Wolf and Cub” (LWC) films were compressed into the five-movie “Shogun Assassin” series, all awfully dubbed with ridiculous swishing blade noises added in! In the 80s and 90s in the US you could only find the dubbed truncated abomination “Shogun Assassin”, which is 12 minutes of the first movie and about half of the second movie squished together into a new story. The movie still managed to attain cult status and go on to be showcased in “Kill Bill 2” (2004). These movies are that good. You can butcher them like one of the Lone Wolf’s victims, and they will still keep kicking your mind right in the face like armless ninjas.

It's only some minor edits, we'll be up kicking ass again in no time.

    In the overviews of each of the movies, we've tried to leave major plot points unspoiled as much as possible. Body count numbers are courtesy of allouttabubblegum. Every one of these movies is exceptionally bloody and there are severed limbs by the bushelful. All six movies are highly recommended, and the 2nd and 4th movies are our favorites of the series.

     Crank Comments: I reviewed parts 1, 2, and 3. I avoided “Shogun Assassin” like the plague. LWC 1 and 2 were not only beheaded for grindhouse audiences to easily digest but neutered and appallingly dubbed by some cringeworthy talent (like Sandra Bernhard and Lamont Johnson). I do have fond memories of seeing the poster in various early 80's video stores, moving toward the horror section to rent "Zombie" for the 20th time. I’m not opposed to bad dubbing, but it feels wrong to me that this particular piece of chopsocky re-edited bullshit is so widely acclaimed even though it’s actually robbing us of so much of the original movies! I admit I have the rottencotton “Shogun Assassin” t-shirt, because it’s the only availably merch connected to one of my favorite Japanese series. I can watch the Baby Cart movies repeatedly, they never get old to me!

     Goat Notes: A series of six samurai movies churned out in the space of 2 years, featuring a pre-kindergarten child actor? I used to walk past the LWC series back in the VHS age, browsing for martial arts movies, and turn up my nose. I envisioned a cheap, sanitized Kurosawa knockoff aimed at little kids. I never suspected what I was overlooking. I watched all six and reviewed #4 - #6. These movies are not at all what I expected, they are some of the most blood-soaked films I've ever seen. Every one of them is beautiful, ultra-violent, and viciously entertaining!

PART 1

Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Kowokashi udekashi tsukamatsuru

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Child and Expertise for Rent”

Gore Score: 10/10

Body Count: 62

Retsudo Yagyu, professional meanie.

It sure doesn't look like gold.

     “LWC: Sword of Vengeance” is the first in the series. I decided to review each sequel individually since I'm obviously not a fan of the mixtape version of the “Baby Cart” films. In the Deep Red catalog, the first film easily gets a 10 out of 10 on the gore score and according to Chas "will make you howl with unabashed glee". This film doles out geysers of crimson splatter. Arteries spray like garden hoses. That samurai sword is sharp, and limbs get separated and bounced off the walls. The erratic but tranquil score by Hideaki Sakurai really sets the tone effectively. “Sword of Vengeance” is just a superior film on all levels.

Somebody get me a band-aid,
I got a thousand ouchies!

     Ogami Itto is the Shogun’s Decapitator. His job is to assist a person who's committing seppuku (ritual suicide by self-disembowelment), one of the most honorable deaths in Japanese culture. He is framed by Yagyu Retsudo of the Shadow clan as part of a bid to seize more power. Itto’s wife and the rest of the Ogami household are slain, except for his son, and Itto is accused of plotting to kill the Shogun. They show how corrupt the authority he works for is, so that we can admire his conviction to quit and walk the barren lands in the form of a demon ronin, slaying any target for the price of 500 gold pieces. 

Tough love.

Choose death!

     Enemy clans make things difficult for father and son, who travel wheeling a stroller armed with an array of secret deadly weapons. The narrative swings back and forth like a pendulum as we find that the killer who decapitates a child in the opening scene has a conscience after all. There is a lot of honor and symbolism in the cultural mythology of this film and kind gestures are not overlooked. There's a brilliant scene at a sauna riddled with the most hideous scumbag rapists and criminals where Ogami Itto takes a situation of shame and turns it into glorious beauty.

     There's another brilliant scene with a bouncy ball and a sword stuck in the floor, where Daigoro is required to choose his destiny: An immediate merciful death at the hands of his father; Or to “live at the crossroads of Hell” and leave piles of mutilated corpses in his wake. We know Daigoro chooses the sword, otherwise he would be in the afterlife with his slain mother.

PART 2

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart at the River Styx (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Sanzu no kawa no ubaguruma

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Baby Cart of the River of Sanzu”

Body Count: 37
Gore Score 10/10

     During the second film we're waist-deep in the blood trail left by Ogami and son. A new foe, Sayaka, and her band of face-shredding Shadow clanswomen find out Itto beheaded one of their allies (in the first film) and they want vengeance. They show their prowess to a foolish ninja by whittling him down into doggy bag sized chunks.

Oh crap, I'm pissing blood!

     This sequel gets intense fast as father and son battle female assassins at every turn. Little Daigoro almost gets his tiny head ripped off by a frisbee straw hat containing razorblades. Sayaka does an amazing trick and nearly stabs Itto in the throat. He almost has her until she pops out of outfit like a Holly Hobby doll and disappears backwards into the brush.

The Citizen Kane of wall paper decoratives

     To impress a group of samurai, Itto sails that famed sword of his across the room to instantly kill a silent hidden intruder. This is one of my favorite moments in cinema history!

     Smiling women pull knives out of big Daikon radishes to stab at the baby cart, narrowly missing the kid's neck! Even though the bodycount is the lowest in the series, there is tons of grisly violence. There's an incredible showdown at the finale. The stern killer poses in the sand dunes and awaits the arrival of his enemies, three brothers known as The Gods of Death armed with iron claws, flying clubs, and chainmail fists.

     Does Ogami even slightly flinch or sweat a drop? FUCK NO!

     The last "death god" gets very poetic about his neck wound before his jugular bursts and red poster paint soaks the dirt. This film sets the pattern for father and son to travel down the road at the end, to journey to the next adventure.

PART 3

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Shinikazeni mukau ubaguruma

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Baby Cart Against the Winds of Death”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 2: Lightning Swords of Death”

Body Count: 72

Gore Score 10/10

     Unlike most sequels, these were shot during a short time period, so the characters haven't aged much even though we're three movies in. This film has a great crooning theme song at the end with lyrics, one of my favorites of the series.

Trepanation gone disastrously wrong.

Itto loves disco.

     “Hades” starts off on the river with the Yagyu clan lurking, waiting to strike again. A new group of lazy perverted samurai (known as Watari Kashi) show up and attack a woman with blacked-out teeth, but are soon set straight by Kanbei, a samurai who earns Ogami's respect. He faces Ogami in the forest and demands a fight. Before they go to war, Ogami mentions that he and his son live as demons prepared to venture to the netherworld and this inspires Kanbei, the insecure warlord.
     In one scene a prostitute bites off the tongue of her pimp, and he dies from the wound almost instantly! 

Some goons known as the Boohatchimono show up to collect the murderous prostitute, but Ogami and son find a kinship with her. The Boohatchimono are outcasts with no shame or justice, so they may be worse then the Yagyus. Speaking of the Yagyus, they show up later in droves during an epic horse battle between one man and child armed with a machine-gun baby stroller!

     Ogami faces an endurance test, spun around upside down in a basket while being drowned and beaten by the group of outcasts. He does this to make that prostitute he protected, feel something of value, this is clearly his style, to let himself be tortured to save a woman's integrity.

     This time, unlike in Sword of Vengeance, it doesn't work to his benefit, in fact the water torture scene was more of a temporary setback, than what comes later. This bit of unnecessary humiliation leads to a job and a new target for him to slay. The moments with Diagoro communicating with nature are some of the best scenes. 

     The actor that plays the long haired gunman with rat-like features plays an entirely different character in the first film. The pacing is a little slow toward the middle, but stick it out because the ending goes completely insane and that's when the body count really starts to rack up! The gun battle at the end has severed heads and a rain of shredded toes and feet, so make sure you stay awake for the final scenes!

PART 4

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Oya no kokoro ko no kokoro

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: The Heart of a Parent, the Heart of a Child”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 3: Slashing Blades of Carnage”

Body Count: 84

Gore Score 8/10

     This is a fantastic movie. It’s fast paced, gory, and fun as heck. This was my first exposure to the LWC series and it whetted my appetite for more. Like a lot of the LWC movies I suspect there are lots of cultural references I don’t get, yet the story is still accessible and the emotional underpinnings are universal. The fight scenes are creative and frenetic and every aspect of the movie comes together in near-perfection.

A winning strategy.

I am soooooooo scared.

    This fourth entry opens with battle, blood, and boobs, and pretty much continues that way. The half-naked killer wears tattoos on her breasts and back designed to startle her foes. She makes mincemeat of a group of attackers to show us right away what a badass she is.

It's all fun and games...

     The Lone Wolf, Itto, accepts the commission to kill Oyuki, the breasty lady with the tattoos and swords. Oyuki is a swordswoman who served Lord Owari and then deserted for reasons unknown. Itto slices apart crowds of enemies on the hunt for her, uncovers an old foe who is supposed to be dead, and strikes a blow against the clan which betrayed him, all while keeping the Cub alive.

Come at me, bro.

     Things only get more complicated when he finds his quarry and discovers Oyuki to be far more honorable than the people who hired him to hunt her. At the climax Itto purees his way through an entire army using his famed Sui-O sword technique until he's facing Retsudo Yagyu himself. Many, many limbs are lost along the way. Moral of the story: Don’t piss off the deadliest man in the world.

Titty clutching tat

I said NO WIRE HANGERS

Gonorrhea flare-up

...she's really obsessed with my cawk.

PART 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons (1973)

     Kozure Ōkami: Meifumado

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Land of Demons”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 4: Five Fistfuls of Gold”

Body Count: 80

Gore Score 7/10

     This is not as furiously-paced as part 4 but the movie is still brutal and bloody. Five deadly messengers test Itto’s strength. Each one carries 100 gold pieces, 1/5 of the payment for a very special job. One of the men calmly delivers a message while he slowly burns alive!

     The abbot of Sofuku (ha!) temple has double-cross the Kuroda clan. This revered man is actually the head of a secret order of ninja spies, allies of Itto’s mortal enemies the Yagyu. Itto is contracted to kill the abbot and return the documents to Lord Kuroda. It turns out the abbot has wizardy holy-man powers and Itto can’t or won’t draw his sword to cut him down.

I accidentally swam into your sword, bro.

      A servant of the Kuroda clan arrives with a new job, piggybacking on the first job. The completion of the first assassination will put Itto in place to execute his second set of targets: An entire family, including a 5 year old child. It’s merciless but the reasons make sense in the context of the difficult situation.

     Retsudo Yagyu is still around making trouble as an ally of the abbot. He wear an eye patch after his last fight with Itto. Itto manages to pull some serious special-ops shit to complete his mission, and then fights an army wearing nothing but his underwear. The crimson really starts to spray when fights a second army at the end, and he really lives up to that whole Decapitator thing.

This helmet is way too tight.

All demons are issued Sam Elliot mustaches in Hell, you didn't know?

PART 6

Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell

     Kozure Ōkami: Jigoku e ikuzo! Daigoro

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Now We Go to Hell, Daigoro!”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 5: Cold Road to Hell”

Body Count: 155+ kills!!!

Gore Score- Infinity

     The series racks up its highest body count yet with a satisfyingly slaughter-happy final entry. Young Daigoro manages an impressive number of kills with babycart gadgets, but it’s only a fraction of the host of enemies swept aside by Itto’s ruthless blade.

The size of Itto's scrotum demoralizes his foes.

Santa is furious with you.

My special weapon is Brillo Pad hair.

     Itto is declared a wanted criminal by the Shogunate. A manhunt begins and old enemies converge on LWC looking for revenge. There are assassins everywhere, using every trick and technique in their personal arsenals. An evil wizard of the Spider Demon clan stalks and taunts the duo, brutally slaying every person who shows LWC kindness on the road. Later the wizard rapes his own sister in front of their father, series arch-nemesis Retsudo Yagyu! Dysfunctional doesn't even begin to cover it.

I call this move Snoopy Snowcone style

     Three half-living killers, strengthened by martial-arts sorcery, are sent by the one-armed ronin Gunbei (a survivor from the fourth film). They fight in perfect unison, and do not fall even after being riddle with gunfire.

Itto explores bondage

     An army of Yagyu clan warriors surrounds LWC, led by Retsudo, who has a lot of anger issues at the moment. Itto battles an army of skiing ninjas, cuts one of them in half and uses the baby cart as a sled to kick butt. Retsudo has made his own combat sled armed with heavy artillery, and they battle their way down the mountainside.

Gandalf was a pussy.

I'll never be a sex symbol

     This wild movie ends this cycle of the epic revenge tale but doesn’t wrap up the overall story. The original manga series comes to a startling yet almost inevitable conclusion. My ultimate fantasy version of this movie series would have ended the same way, but in any case these are really entertaining movies and I wish they had made more.