Almost Human

Almost Human Directed By Umberto Lenzi, Starring Tomas Milian (1974).

Chas' review of this Italian crime flick in Deep Red issue #3 kind of trashed the living shit out of it, saying it's total bloodless and could play uncut on network TV. I read this critique years after watching the film and thought it was pretty harsh. I even convinced Skunkape that this was almost of good as Street Law with Franco Nero and that might be one of my favorite Italian crime flicks. For a short while I was fixated on the poliziotteschi genre after seeing Mario Bava's Rabid Dogs and Deodato's Live Like A Cop Die Like A Man. Now it's Umberto Lenzi's turn, whom I consider the second banana in cannibal land to take a whack at a police flick. I think this one has enough wretched hard edged dialogue similar to Ferox to convince others who are on the fence about this sub genre that it's worth their attention. Ernesto Gastaldi who wrote 2019: After The Fall Of NY and works mainly with Sergio Martino penned the script for this film.

toss me an orange, so I can do my Brando impression

Tomas Milan plays Giulio Sacchi, a mop topped drunk who drives a getaway car with some crooks in Halloween masks who abduct a kid and then after the job is done gets his guts punched in by his mob boss and grovels like a worm. In the English dialogue version just like in Ferox, everyone is either a shithead or a twat and Giulio's (Milan) boss threatens to "mash his balls".   

The first police flick we reviewed on the site was The Rat, The Cynic and The Fist and I'd been meaning to revisit this one. It's amazing how coherent Umberto Lenzi's direction is in action films compared to his cannibal shit. Ray "Manchester Morgue" Lovelock is in Milan's crew and he's no stranger to this film scene where the scores often outshine the action. The title track by Morricone is monstrous and has a nice heavy driving beat. I enjoyed this film though and didn't feel that it was weak at all. Milan's character is very unlikeable as a wimpy drunk who mooches off his girlfriend then stabs and later shoots first without thinking. Henry "I've appeared in practically every Italian Crime Film is existence" Silva shows up in his resident role as a pissed off detective. It's very bizarre how they use a still from the 1920's Golem on this poster to sell this as a horror film, at the time of course they wanted to milk that Umberto Lenzi association with extreme gore.

Smeagol want the ring, too outdated a reference?

The room tone audio in the English dubbed version is ear splitting for some reason. Silva calls Giulio a psychopath and we cross cut into their secret meetings during broad daylight at various cafes. There are some odd choices in the Deep Red catalog like Violent Protection (which I found pretty watered down) and Black Werewolf (aka The Beast That Wouldn't Die) with Peter Cushing, which I found a total chore. That's just me however and our stable of critics might differ in opinion from mine. I have to wonder though if Lenzi's standard FX guy wasn't available because there are scenes when people are gunned down and there's practically zero bloodspray, that's pretty suspicion for this director. Milan's character gets a little David Hess-like when he crashes a party and threatens to infect everyone with universal love, then pulls down Ray Lovelock's zipper!

They all down some wine (pretty fruity for hardened criminals if you ask me), lock all the topless women onto a chandelier and blast the shit outta them with a machine-gun. If you have weak patience and get bored by methodical pacing or are offended by in your face misogyny than sure, this one might not be for you, but I found it pretty enjoyable. My favorite line is when Giulio and his loser gang threaten Mary Lou at knife point to write a ransom note and he goes "When I get that money, I'm gonna wash my hotdog in champagne"! I mean what kind of goofy fetish is that? I did discover that there is a U.K. food truck service related to this kink, click the link here. Silva's character is pretty reserved, I mean the kind of shit he does in Cry of a Prostitute makes this look like he's taking an upright nap. Not to take anything away from his performance, however and he's still pretty great. Carmine, Ray Lovelock's character is the weak link among the thugs and feels guilty and sympathetic toward their victims.  

Bullshit or not, I got the gun!

Sacchi is the biggest mess of all, he's a completely insecure sociopath and has a short fuse. He's a grimy scumbag who has no regard for loyalty or human life. Shitty bureaucracy gets in the way of Silva nailing Giullio to the wall and it's pretty frustrating. It all ends on a strange note as the police manage to tie up all loose ends anyway, so much for ambiguous endings. Even though there's a lot of pretend cowboy violence, it's still very cold blooded and effective, dramatically that is, not in the squib department. I'd say give it a chance, especially if you're skeptical about Italian crime flicks. There are a few Almost Human related movies and T.V. shows that you should avoid, except no substitutes.      

AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX DVD.

Cannibal Ferox

Cannibal Ferox (Make Them Die Slowly,Women From Deep River) Directed By Umberto Lenzi, Starring John Morghen (1981). 

Against all my better judgement I decided to rewatch Cannibal Ferox (or better known in the days when video stores existed on Thriller Video as Make Them Die Slowly). Why you ask, because it just showed up in HD form on Huluplus! Every time I watch this wretched film, I get a combination of nausea and guilty enjoyment because it's extremely ugly, racist and so offensive that it becomes surreal. The main reason to see it at all, rests on the shoulders of actor John Morghen. His lines, which are so wildly offensive have to be heard to believed, who else would throw the word "twat" in every other sentence or call every body shit face-- than this guy! Frank Von Kuegelgen does a great job dubbing Giovanni Radice (or Morghen), his performance is my favorite and usually in other films he's appeared in they always give his character a very effeminate voice.

If you have a degree in Fulci-economics than you'll be overjoyed to see half of his bit actors (from Gates of Hell aka City of the Living Dead and some Italian crime flicks) and similar nonsensical situations tossed in like a clump of maggots in a kale salad. But there's so much more to be excited about, we've got a piranha attack, underwater bamboo cages and racial dominance all in the sake of too much cocaine. 

I heard that there's Candy Apples on Monkey Island

Three collegiate chuckleheads venture down the river to a village named monyoka (some fictional jungle which is really Columbia) to do something something so idiotic as to prove that all History concerning cannibalism is just racist bullshit propagated by the history of colonialism and conquistadores. Anyone who's read about The Conquest of Spain knows that The Aztecs did eat people in their rituals and colonialism had nothing to do with gut munching. The scriptwriter (who's apparently Mr. Lenzi) obviously coked out of his mind, possibly just hates anthropologists and is condemning them with this film because they all come off like sub moronic turds! So yeah, dropout of college and get a job at Burger King would you or just invent facts ala-Foxs News, which makes this film slightly prophetic. 

You're saying this fuggin movie was ahead of it's time, excuse me while I die!

The HD quality magnifies the haze of grain on Lenzi's original vision (who would've dreamed that this would ever make it beyond VHS though). My favorite parts about this film are the silly lines spouted by the all dubbed cast like "Hey there's a jay walking igunana!" and other quotable favorites. This is a genre I detest and yet am thoroughly fascinated by.

The most heartless aspect of the film, which Skunkape and I saw long before the Deodato one is that it's basically Cannibal Holocaust on training wheels. Lenzi goes out of his way to copy that flick with the same senseless animal violence and just like Dr. Butcher used some of the cast of Zombie to exploit that film, some of the same actors from Holocaust re-appear. The first sign of trouble just after the tragic mongoose death (which is really uncalled for) is a googly eyed stomach eater hiding behind some leaves. Skunkape mentioned that the snake was full, so the mongoose didn't really die. Then Ferox gets really good as Mike Logan (Morghen) one of the most offensive but hysterical anti-heroes shows up, he carries a little sack of nose candy around his neck and pretends that cannibals tried to attack him and his "asshole" buddy Joe (Walter Lucchini).

Whatever I'm fine, is my hair OK?

They all kind of bond over all being New Yawkers(sic) on vacation and what led Mike to Columbia are emeralds and snow but Gloria (Larraine De Salle) and her crew never mention the retarded reasons they're there. Mike's bottom teeth pop out consistently as he talks about how cannibals ate his pals balls off and then Gloria hears the sentence echo in her mind. There are so many metal and hardcore bands that have sampled that choice line of dialogue --too funny! Pat (Zora Kerova) sleeps with a Mexican dude and post coitus says "Take a shower some time will ya?" Now here's another bit of uncalled for racist bullshit sprinkled throughout an all ready overstuffed shit sandwich--get ready for more, that's nuthin'!   

Everyone is super sweaty and grungey looking (they might look even worse in high def). I must commend Grindhouse Releasing for really packing on the extras into this shit flick classic (to steal a Gilpin-ism) and my favorite parts are the new psychedelic audio moments and overly loud gunshot sounds--the audio engineer went hog wild!  

Gloria after looking at the scared natives confirms right then and there-- OK, I've seen enough let's turn around, but nope, they have to stay because Joe "the asshole", Mike's pal gets sick and keels over. Logan, whacked out on blow, gets a hankering for some ultra violence and decides to fuck with the savages who all seem afraid of the Westerners. The natives are always Latin or Asian people in wigs smothered in white mud, they meet the animal death quota of boss Umberto by killing a big turtle and a crocodile --so fucking stupid I swear! Radice who cannot stand Lenzi (check out our video interview if you need confirmation) rips him a new one in the commentary, he tried to humiliate the actor into slaughtering animals for his project I'm guessing in the name of Neo-realism, whatever! 

I like the soundtrack by Roberto Donati (otherwise known as Budy Maglione), recently released on Oneway Static Records on vinyl and cassette with some amazing artwork and attention to detail check it out here. Years before, Skunkape let me dub his copy of the Blackest Heart Media CD soundtrack which had amazing tribute songs by Rok Opera, great stuff!

Is this really necessary?

They ramp up the hatred that justifies what occurs later to Mike Logan and it basically turns into a "Just Say No" to cocaine public service announcement. Because as everyone knows, booger sugar will turn you into a raving psycho that will rape innocent people and disembowel them, obviously, that's why it's bad for you!

Logan, who's wanted in NYC by a cop named Rizzo (Robert Kerman), no relation to the Midnight Cowboy co-star or the Muppet is on the lam! He keeps questioning Logan's blonde girlfriend about her beau's whereabouts. why Kerman decided to return for another jungle holocaust film despite his unabashed distain for the genre and Deodato in particular, always gives me the giggles (he appeared in Eaten Alive/Doomed to Die as well). Even though R. Bolla aka Robert Kerman hated these flicks, he's great in them and gives off a David Hess like quality of hostility even in these good guy roles. Once a rotten papaya shows up at Rudy and the gangs hut, it's all over for the cast and the last 34 minutes are a smorgasbord or mayhem and torture, starting with Morghen getting his dick hacked off and devoured! You may think to yourself, it can't get any worse than that for the poor fucker, but you'd be dead wrong as they fasten him to a lobotomy table and whack off the top of his cranium and reach in that skull bucket for some pink slimy brain treats--yum yum, a cannibal feast, invite over Screamin Jay and the Spiderbaby clan!

I'll have you know I injected my dick with thallium, Ha! Didn't expect that did you? 

A friendly cannibal takes sympathy on the gang but waits till the absolute bitter end until he steps in to help, I mean Zora Kerova's double breast meat hooks have already been inserted and she soon dies. Mike Logan, the selfish twat almost escapes (they cauterized his ballsack, so that he doesn't bleed to death and he hauls ass out of the village, but nope, they drag him back and finish the job. The tiny cannibal who helps Gloria escape looks like Nein Nub, Lando Calrissian's Mickey Mouse-like alien sidekick with a bad wig on. 

The commentary and behind the scenes stories are fascinating, almost everyone had an awful time acting in this wretched film and you get the feeling that something was off during the production, an all around unpleasant experience. Keep that patented Howard Scott Up-Chuck Cup handy! I have no idea why I like this film though it makes no sense and maybe I should reconsider things and get my priorities straight. It's funny how I have a long history with this cannibal flick and bought it on VHS from 16000 video for 2 bucks. Recently Eli Roth has decided to jumpstart this genre with his own love letter to Deodato and I have zero interest in seeing it.  

AVAILABLE ON HULUPLUS!

Blu-ray/Soundtrack on Amazon 

GRINDHOUSE RELEASING

 Trailers that Smell & TOG's

Cannibal Ferox Trailer

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Nightmare Beach

Nightmare Beach, Starring Nicolas De Toth, Directed by Umberto Lenzi (as Harry Kirkpatrick) (1988).

When I saw that Umberto Lenzi directed this film, which was shown in the mid 80's on cable TV, I was flabbergasted! Finally Italian Horror and Beach Party movies were united, possibly the perfect link between the DR catalog and the Gottfried/ Shear connection! Lenzi of course is second banana to Deodato on the Cannibal throne, (he never made a movie set on the beach, but he did make a total shit bomb slasher set in the wilderness called Body Count). We've extensively covered Lenzi's work before with Nightmare City, Eyeball, Doomed to Die (or Eaten Alive), Black Demons (or Demons 3) and the mother of all Jungle tragedy flicks, Cannibal Ferox (which we've yet to review oddly enough)! Both Skunkape and I saw it before Cannibal Holocaust, fell head over heels and became infatuated with Giovanni Lombardo Radice (aka John Morghen) and the Italian cannibal genre of the 70's and 80's. Morghen and Lenzi famously hated each other (listen to him trash Umberto in our interview on Youtube for more chuckles). 

John Saxon, who acted opposite John Morghen in the total classic Cannibal Apocalypse is even in Nightmare Beach! So strap on your motorcycle helmet and lets hit the fucking waves!!!

The first thing I noticed about Beach is how the sound drops off when they flick the switch of the electric chair (maybe they forgot to pay the sound guy)? There's an awful, putrid opening song by some joker named "Kirsten" that plays over the credit montage. Later on, there's dumptruck loads of glam rock (featuring one song written by Dio), also Claudio Simonetti (who ToG readers are very familiar with) did the incidental music which ended up on Evil Tracks along with his other Miami-Sploitation score for Primal Rage. Another exploitation character actor I'm fond of besides the always reliable Saxon, is Michael Parks who's appeared brilliantly in everything lately (he was just in TUSK). Parks was in almost all the recent Tarantino flicks, but one of my favorite roles was as the scumbag garment dealer in Death Wish 5.

Parks and Saxon, a buddy cop drama coming soon to the El-Rey network

His character in this one has a great line about Spring Break being the "annual migration of the idiot". This disgruntled morgue worker is pissed off because he's the mortician who has to sew up all the dead "Breakers".

SPRING BREAK PANCAKE BUTT!

Skunkape and I also grew up in South Florida and this flick has some primo 80's Spring Break footage that almost rivals Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise. All the kids wear acid washed denim (not as much as Flesheater of course, no movie on the planet can top that)!

Don't scuff my motorscooter bro!

A cute hitchhiker gets burnt up on the back of a motor-scooter--we're talking Kentucky Fried, as the driver pushes a button and BLAMMO, her face totally melts!

Set the bike fryer to extra crispy

The cops are tailing Satanic gangs who defile graves and J. Saxon stares down a greaseball gang called The Demons. The soundtrack is all Y&T, Sammi Hagar sounding clones, can this movie be anymore entertaining?

Good times just get better with the tepid flavor of Miller High life

The two main dudes are named Skip and Ronnie, they're famous football players out on vacation. Ron (Rawley Valverde) is a total party animal, but Skip (Nicolas De Toth) seems like a complete square, he refuses condoms, passes on beer and might be gay (it's too early to tell).

Brighten up that smile with new Colgate electrolysis

This one surfer dude robs a couple of babes after they freak out over a shark attack (which turns out to be a guy holding a plastic fin underwater). That scene reminded me of the Simpsons episode when Homer gets scared by Bart, yelling "Ahhhh Shark boy!" If you're looking for gratuitous 80's Ft. Lauderdale wet T-shirt contests, then look no further than this flick! There's tons of Florida-sploitations that we've covered, but this one might be just as good as Plankton (one of my favorites)! 

SCHWINNNGGG!

Ronnie prowls the streets looking to as he puts it "Bump short hairs", while his boring pal Skip, shakes his head at all the debauchery. The Demons end up beating on Ronnie, but the serial killer (who's unrelated to the gang) involuntarily finishes the job for them, detonating him to a cinder.

This movie makes it seem like Spring Breakers are constantly getting robbed, while they over indulge (which seems accurate). There's this one "GATORS" dud who constantly yells just that (later on he gets arrested for being too rowdy). Skip continues to hang out at more wet T-shirt contests, but this time looking for his buddy, I guess you just cant avoid the sin of the Sunshine State. Oh yeah I should probably mention the pig faced motel owner who drills a peep hole and spies on hookers and their johns, one client is the ginormous fat guy featured in Aladdin and Miami Cops, who I couldn't find a screen credit for, you'll know him when you see him.

It's Rick Ocasek's cousin Griff Ocasek!

The look of the biker maniac reminds me of the killer in Night School, which is a Warner Archives "Video Nasty" that I'm sorry to say should've stayed buried. This film however is a laugh riot and should be available on a Criterion style DVD with extras! Shout Factory, pick this one up now!

I don't know what you've heard, The Buxton's are not thieves!

Skip hooks up with a pretty bartender played by Sarah Buxton, who even invites him in for coffee, but he refuses (and he doesn't even bite his hand ala- Lenny and Squiggy over it, like he should--I mean this girl is super hot)!

Both Parks and Saxon's characters are totally corrupt and don't even care about the murders, they even leave Ronnie's corpse in a ditch and prevent Skip from solving the crime. It's hard to believe that Umberto Lenzi made this film and even wrote it, it's one of his most coherent films (with his others there's this suspension of logic that you use to make it through, here there's no need it actually makes sense)! I was shocked at how accurate the Florida stereotypes were and inside jokes, well done sir! 

The fire effects and choice of videogame music (most likely by Simonetti) while gruesome deaths happen, make it pretty hilarious. There's this weird Reverend character played by Lance LeGault (A-Team, Stripes), who lurks in the background--he seems a likely suspect. They show what kind of weirdo Saxon's police character is when the teens sneak into his house and find his S&M gear and murder evidence photos in his dresser drawer. 

Shitty Florida classic rock station Zeta 94.9 sponsors a terrible hair band, there's some prime FL eye candy for people who grew up in that swampy climate though and can relate to the ridiculousness. I like how one character goes to consistently extreme lengths to pull a prank (stabbing his fake hand at a bar, putting on zombie makeup and playing dead) until he finally ends up "real" dead!

The ending isn't that big of a surprise, but it did remind of how Italian Horror auteurs like Fulci have goofed on Jason Voorhees, saying he's a Fanatical religious villain trying to rid the world of sex drugs and rocknroll! I highly recommend this film, it's so much fun, the only flaw I could see was the question of Skip's sexuality, because him and Gail never actually get it on and every time an opportunity arrives, he kind of dodges the situation. Other than that, everything was perfect, loved every minute of this trash fest!

WATCH NOW

  

A "Demons" Series Overview

THE “DEMONS” SERIES: A 'THEATER OF GUTS' SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

by Goat Scrote

     Only three of the "Demons" films (Italian title “Dèmoni”) are 'real' entries in this (in)famous Italian horror series. They can be identified by their contagious slime-oozing demons and their awesome soundtracks, each one showcasing a completely different style of music. All three of the originals are worthwhile monster movies with plenty of gloopy special effects. They don't work very hard at making sense but they're lots of fun to watch.
     The films were reasonably successful internationally.  Many unrelated Italian horror movies were released or re-released in foreign home-video markets (particularly Japan and the United States) with new titles that placed them within the “Demons” series. At least nine movies have been marketed under the “Demons” flagship at one time or another, including three different flicks vying for the position of 'part 3', in the hopes of milking a few more lira, yen, dollars, and pounds out of an unsuspecting public. None of the pseudo-sequels actually features anything resembling the slime-demons from the original films. With only a couple of exceptions, the phony sequels are erupting volcanos of suck which are not fit for human consumption. This has sown confusion and a not inconsiderable amount of despair throughout the world.

     My sanity is already too far eroded by three decades of watching this kind of shit. That's why, for an especially grueling marathon project like this, we had to test the films on animals. We strapped mutated, schlock-resistant bunny rabbits into the seats in one of the environmentally-sealed theaters at TOG Laboratories, wedged open their little eyelids, and pumped the adorable fuzzy-wuzzies full of our own patented blend of psychotropic drugs. Then we wired their brains to our malevolent super-computer, Proteus. (He starred opposite Julie Christie in the 1977 film "Demon Seed", which is not the first “Dèmoni” film no matter what Proteus claims.) Proteus collated the results of the bunnies suffering to produce the following list. For you. We did it all for you. To prove that our love for you isn't 'weird' like you keep saying.

     Please observe a moment of silence and perhaps offer a prayer (to Satan, of course) on behalf of all the innocent bunnies killed or driven hopelessly mad by these films. Let us also remember all those brave humanoid explorers before us who made the mistake of delving into the murky depths of the “Dèmoni” series and never returned. We've already discussed my eroded sanity, right?
     Okay, on with the list. The movies are placed based on the position they hold in the series and/or wherever I felt like putting them. That means the pseudo-sequels are presented roughly in the order that they were re-released as a “Demons” movie, not in order of original release dates. Multiple authors are presented in alphabetical order. In these summaries I have tried to avoid any major spoilers.  If you want plot details, each of the movies has been (or soon will be) given the full review treatment here on Theater of Guts. A little internet searching will turn up the majority of them streaming for free under one of their many titles.
     There is an official authorized comic book sequel to the films which has been published, titled "Demons 3". I haven't read it but I am intrigued. Apparently it is a prequel telling a story involving Nostradamus and the demons.

The Originals

“Dèmoni” / ”Demons” (1985)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 80%
    Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.

     Music: METAL.  \m/

     Murderous demons possess and terrorize the audience in a movie theater. The victims are lured in by a creepy metal-masked host played by Michele Soavi, who would later direct the third film. Anyone who gets scratched becomes possessed and physically transforms into a monster. Plenty of slime and chaos. Pus spurts all over the place. One of the demons bursts open to release an even more awful demon. The hero fights back with a samurai sword while riding a dirt-bike through the theater. A helicopter crashes through the roof at exactly the right moment for no goddamned reason whatsoever. And yes, there is an eye impalement. You bet your ass this is highly recommended.

“Dèmoni 2… L’Incubo Ritorna” / ”Demons 2” (1986)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 70%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.

     Music: 80's post-punk / New Wave

     Also known as ”Demons 2: The Nightmare Returns”, which is the literal translation of the Italian title. There's a bit of wordplay that doesn't translate into English. The Italian word for nightmare (“incubo”) comes from the name of a type of demon which was thought to create night-terrors.

     A demon comes out of a television to slaughter and infect the residents of an apartment complex. Most of the effects are solid and well-conceived but the demon-dog and a few other bits are entertainingly bad, more goofy than gross. It doesn't have the same off-the-wall, anything-goes energy as the first movie but there are plenty of demons and buckets of green ooze. The film ends with a disappointing anticlimax that was lethal to a number of the test rabbits. (I wish they had gone with the super-gory ending rumored to have been in the original script, with a demon-possessed fetus that would have ripped its way out of its mother.) Recommended, although not quite as highly as the first and third movies.

“La Chiesa” / ”The Church” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 85%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Michele Soavi.

     Music: Modern classical / Prog rock / “New Age”

     Michele Soavi takes on directorial duties for the third movie. The demons ooze their way into our world again, inside a cathedral built to contain the site of an ancient outbreak. Slimy bloody mayhem ensues. A cool goat-headed boss demon, Rube-Goldberg-style deathtraps, and demon sex bring additional flair to the proceedings. The giant beast rising through the floor of the cathedral, made out of the writhing bodies of the possessed clinging to one another, is prime nightmare fuel. Highly recommended – my personal favorite of the originals.

     Some of the bunnies exploded during the demon-on-human sex scenes. I don't think that should count, but Proteus says that my thumbs-up reaction to soft-core monster porno is abnormal. He claims my perspective has been warped by years of mining video stores and the internet for the weirdest things I can find. Personally I think Proteus just feels threatened because demons are his biggest competitors in the field of unnatural human impregnation.

The Pseudo-Sequels

DEMONS 3-B

“Dèmoni 3” / ”Black Demons” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 30%

     Directed by Umberto Lenzi.

     Produced by Giuseppe Gargiulo.

     Screenplay by Olga Pehar.

     Director Umberto Lenzi is best known to gore fans for the iconic “Cannibal Ferox” (1981). “Dèmoni 3” bears several distinctions among the 'fake' sequels. For one thing, it was released with a “Dèmoni” sequel title from the beginning despite being a zombie movie. They were openly cashing in on the “Demons” series right from the start. Even though a third movie (“The Church”) already existed, there wasn't a movie actually titled “Demons 3”, so that left the market open. This one doesn't have any writing, directing, or production staff in common with the original three. I can respect the deliciously exploitative shamelessness of it all, but unfortunately it's not a very watchable movie.

     Vengeful voodoo-style zombies kill a few tourists after one of them plays a tape recording of a Macumba religious ritual in an old slave-plantation graveyard. They linger on the gore from time to time, but a couple of gruesome meathook eyeball-gouges can't save this one. Unless you really must see every Italian zombie movie ever made, you should flee in the other direction if you see this movie coming. Whatever you do, don't look back because it might be gaining on you.

DEMONS 3-C

"La casa dell'orco" / “Demons III: The Ogre” (1988)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 20%

     Directed by Lamberto Bava

     Produced by Massimo Manasse, Marco Grillo Spina.

     Screenplay by Lamberto Bava, Dardano Sacchetti.

     A silly made-for-TV movie by the director of the first two “Demons” films. Also known as “House of the Ogre” (the literal translation of the Italian title) or “The Ogre: Demons 3”. It was also released as "Ghost House II". "Ghosthouse", the first one, was directed by exploitation-master Umberto Lenzi and that movie was also called "La Casa 3". "Evil Dead 2" was marketed in Italy as "La Casa 2".  In other words, "The Ogre" has also been marketed as a fake sequel ("Ghost House 2") to a series which sprang from a fake sequel to the "Evil Dead" series ("La Casa 3"), the latter fake sequel (aka "Ghosthouse") having been made by a guy who also made a fake sequel ("Dèmoni 3") to a series created by the guy who made the former fake sequel (aka "Demons III: The Ogre").
     You follow that? Yeah, me neither.
     That is why we require the assistance of a supercomputer.

     The movie tells the story of a magical ogre with a sexual fetish for orchids, and the family vacation which he ruins. It's got a few nice visuals but it's even dumber than it sounds, has hardly any blood, and very little nudity or sexuality despite the racy premise. The characters are unlikeable and the monster is dull. The most interesting thing about it is the layer upon layer of deceptive marketing used to sell it. Most of the bunnies died of sheer boredom, and the survivors were driven mad with outrage by the lame ending. Avoid.

DEMONS 4

“La Setta” / “The Sect” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 60%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.

     Produced by Dario Argento, Mario Cecchi Gori, Vittorio Cecchi Gori, Andrea Tinnirello.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.

     Also known as “The Devil's Daughter” and “Demons IV: The Sect”. This is the only pseudo-sequel also connected to Dario Argento. I like this movie. Not quite as entertaining as any of the original three “Demons” films but firmly in second place among the faux-sequels. It's pretty to look at, and maintains an oppressive dreamlike atmosphere.

     A young school-teacher's life swirls down the drain when she moves into a house over a watery Hellmouth and she is targeted to be the mother of the Evil One's baby. A convoluted story involves a worldwide network of cultists, a prehistoric species of Satanic brain-eating insect, an innocent-looking possessed rabbit, and slimy blue worms crawling through the plumbing. A woman gets her face ripped off with hooks during a black magic ritual. A deadly handkerchief/death-shroud kills a couple of victims, which sounds dumb on paper but is actually quite creepy and reminded me of a similar element in “Drag Me To Hell” (2009). Recommended, although I think the bunny test may have been biased because of the prominent role of the devil-rabbit, who racks up a couple of human kills along the way.

DEMONS 5

“La maschera del demonio” / “The Mask of the Demon” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 50%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Lamberto Bava, Renato Camarda, Federico Llano, Andrea Piazzesi.

     Screenplay by Massimo De Rita, Giorgio Stegani.

     Also released as “Demons 5: The Devil's Veil”. Director Lamberto Bava tells a tale inspired by his father Mario Bava's “Black Sunday” (1960) and Nikolai Gogol's short story “The Viy” (1835). It draws a great deal of imagery from both sources but goes off in its own direction. This is another movie that Bava made working in Italian TV, but it is superior in every way to “Demons III: The Ogre”.

     A dead witch imprisoned by an iron mask seeks resurrection through spiritual possession of a group of skiers in the Alps. She turns into a series of nasty, foul-looking creatures while trying to devirginate the hero... monster porn raises its ugly head once more. Very little blood but there are some nice visuals and the final half has some entertaining monster effects. There's even a bit of slime here and there. Slightly recommended.

DEMONS 6

“Il gatto nero” / “The Black Cat” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 25%
     Directed by Luigi Cozzi.

     Produced by Lucio Lucidi.

     Screenplay by Luigi Cozzi.

     Also known as “Demons 6: De Profundis”, originally just called “De Profundis”, meaning “From The Depths”. Reportedly, Daria Nicolodi was also involved with the writing. This was Cozzi's version of the conclusion to Argento's “Three Mothers” series ("Suspiria", "Inferno"), making it yet another instance of an unofficial entry into two different Italian film series. It was also re-titled for its initial release to make it seem like it had a link to Edgar Allen Poe. (It doesn't.) Cozzi's “Starcrash” (1978) is one of my favorite bad movies, but I dislike this one quite a bit.

     Levana, an undead genetic-mutant psychic witch tries to return to life through a movie production which features her as a villain. The witch torments the star of the production and stalks her infant child. The murky annoying story careens to a dreadful, disappointing ending. Cozzi tries to copy elements of Argento's style from "Suspiria", but mostly it doesn't work. Really quite terrible. Avoid.

DEMONS '95

“Dellamorte Dellamore” / “Cemetery Man” (1994)

     Directed by Michele Soavi

     Produced by Conchita Airoldi, Heinz Bibo, Tilde Corsi, Dino Di Donisio, Michèle Ray-Gavras, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.

     Screenplay by Giovanni Romoli.

     It's smart, macabre, gory, surreal, unpredictable, and it has a wicked sense of humor. This is the best movie on this list, bar none, and a standout among Italian horror movies in general. Has anyone ever seriously referred to it as “Demons '95”? Apparently so. The original Italian title contains rhyming wordplay, literally translating to 'Of death, of love' or 'Of death and love'. It's based on a novel by Tiziano Sclavi, author of the “Dylan Dog” comics.

     The corpses in Buffalora's town cemetery always rise a few days after burial. A gravedigger named Dellamorte and his assistant must kill their returning clients a second time, because it's easier than filling out the paperwork to report the mysterious problem to the town bureaucracy. Then things get weird.
     Highly recommended. The bunnies all died, but they spontaneously returned a few days later. Proteus and I disagreed about how to score this so I unplugged him and won the argument.

     Bunny Survival Rate: 100% undead goodness!

Eyeball

Eyeball (1975)

AKA Gatti rossi in un labirinto di vetro

AKA The Secret Killer

Starring: Martine Brochard, John Richardson

Directed By: Umberto Lenzi

Review By: "Machine Gun" Kristin

SPOILERS! (*Zoinks!*) 

The poster for this film, "Eyeball" definitely surpasses the film, which is always a bummer. I didn't think the movie was as terrible as said through some various sources, including its "dog" rating from the Deep Red catalog itself. This movie is pretty far removed from calling it a gore film since it's maybe 20% bloody and too obscure to find a cult Lifetime channel movie type status. I'd say it's more mystery than horror, but being directed by Umberto Lenzi ("Cannibal Ferox") might just give it the Italian horror title, but it's probably more towards the Giallo side of the genre. Giallos a lot of times are like soap operas or romance novels. 

We follow a nervous wreck of a woman named Alma (Marta May), popping pills on a plane bound for Spain which is where this whole movie takes place. I kinda wondered if Umberto had some frequent flyer miles to blow and decided to make a movie around that so he could be surrounded by really good looking women for a couple of months. We end up hanging out with an odd batch of travelers making goofy remarks about America, led by a completely insane tour guy with a penchant for scaring people with fake spiders. As soon as they start "sight"-seeing (harhar, see what I did there?), an innocent girl is knifed to death. Her eyeball is removed, leaving a dark spot over her face. We're bounced around from one failed theory to another as to who's committing these same exact killings, which occur a few times. It's fun to guess who it may or not be, because thankfully I didn't guess it right, so at least there's that sense of interest to keep you watching. I mean, you might as well "see" it through right?  (sorry, I'll stop with the puns). There's some nice scenery, some kool outfits ("look" at the stewardess on the plane!), a discotheque, and even a creepy haunted house ride. We end up seeing part of that sequence twice in the pretty lazy opening credit display of a hodge podge of scenes that don't have anything to do with another. They might have been trying to string together some symbolism with the various red raincoats and night robes shown throughout, but who knows. I certainly know they thought people would appreciate the cute lesbian couple or the multiple pairs of boobs dispersed through the movie. haha. 

The music in the film was sort of maudlin and kinda bland. It was a bit repetitious, since they used the same two pieces over and over. The first one sounded like the traditional power ballad type opening keyboard notes, which kept making me think of that horrid "Don't Speak" song by No Doubt, getting stuck in my head. Then the other piece of music sounding just like the theme from CAN"T THINK OF IT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! Anyone? Anyone?

Anyway, there are better movies than this of the genre, but it's not as awful as people say it is. Just be warned, it's very tame. 

Check out the trailer for "Eyeball":

Make sure you follow me on Instagram to check out my cult movie, etc buttons that I make and sell. Here's one I made just for this review.