USA UP ALL NIGHT LEFT OVER: FOREVER EVIL

Forever Evil. Directed by Roger Evans (1987).

Review By Mike Hauss

What a not wildly fresh premise this film had. A group of friends go to a cabin in the woods for a weekend to celebrate their last weekend at the cabin, which is slated to be sold. Supernatural forces attack and brutally kill all but Marc Denning, who escapes to a busy road. But as he stands battered and bruised celebrating his narrow escape, he is hit by a car. Marc awakes a week or so later in the hospital, with broken this and fractured that.

The re-animated corpse of Ebenezer Scrooge just in time for Christmas.

This film is not very good, but it does build a bit of suspense here and there, but for a film that technically looks like shit to clock in at a mind-ripping one-hundred and fifty-minutes is a grave mistake. If a capable edit of the film had been made, to shore twenty to thirty minutes off it, the film would have been a tighter affair and the fast-forward button wouldn’t have been so prevalent in my viewing experience. A grizzled old detective named Leo, Marc Denning and a young lady named Reggie, who also survived an attack by these dark forces, all band together to try and defeat the assailants, which includes zombies and creatures that shoot laser beams.

Lovecraft Schmuvcraft!

What the story revolves around is a cult who are making sacrificial murders in the goal of bringing the ancient god Yog Kothag back to earth, from which he was banished eons ago because of his evil. Obviously, the writers involved in this film borrowed a bit from H.P. Lovecraft and his creation Yog-Sothoth, along with Evil Dead in its cabin in the woods, supernatural attack forces. The acting is so bad that its almost hypnotic in its deconstruction of a craft. The first twenty minutes or so are so cheesy stupid, that it makes the viewer take notice and keeps one eyeing the power button to turn this film off at any moment. Like noted above the film does build some suspense here and there, but it does not know how to sustain it or to reach a proper payoff. For a film with this large of a scope to tread forward with bad actors, bad production values and an over inflated runtime really destructs any hope that the film had of being a cult classic, it was obviously aiming for. And what sets this apart from that other noted low-budget cabin in the woods film, Evil Dead... is talent!

WATCH ON YOUTUBE OR DON'T SEE IF I CARE!

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Day Of The Dead

Day Of The Dead Directed by George Romero, Starring Howard Sherman (1985).

This is a review that might alienate all of my friends, readers and family members, accept Skunkape who I know shares the same opinion on this film. It’s highly controversial and feels like I’m stepping into a trap of my own design but here we go anyway. Right off the bat, I consider Day of the Dead a classic 2 stars film, it could've been better but it's not the worst of all time. There I got that off my chest!

"High Five, High Five, High Five, High Five High Five"

I even taped this episode during it's run on UP ALL NIGHT where Gilbert Gottfried shit all over the characters and tense situations, defusing whatever ardency Romero aimed for. At first I felt like I was witnessing a crime and going against all that I knew was intriguing about a zombie film. Let’s face it though none of these characters are like able on the military side or the hero side. Sarah (Lori Cardille) is very butch and wooden. Her boyfriend Miguel (Anthony Dileo Jr. ) is a whiny bitch, who looks like a gay Cat Stevens. As a "straight" couple there is zero chemistry, that in lies the first series of hiccups that I've always had with this movie, it's very difficult to identify or emphasize for the characters. The stereotypes are rampant throughout, like the flask slugging Irish Star Trek Bones—ish McDermott (Jarlath Conroy) to the exaggerated Jamaican guy (Terry Alexander).

"I should have been a sailor!

Miguel Salazar's Day Off

"I told you not to touch my pole!"

Savini however makes it all tolerable and wonderful, the effects are brilliant, creative and mind blowing. But everything from the watered down script to the incessant bickering is shocking especially from the politically savy Romero.

Where do I start with Rhodes, one of the worst authoritarian dickwads who rules a team of drooling morons, exuding testosterones. Dr. Frankenstein I’ll deal with because he’s attached to Bub (Howard Sherman) one of the best zombies of all time. Bub was even on an episode of Seinfeld, you may remember him as the guy who got Junior Mints stuck in his organs from Kramer spilling it everywhere.

"We are the 3 Amigos!"

I always remember Bub's instructions on how to pull out the posters in the Fangoria Poster mag, telling us not to let the staples tear out our finger nails for risk that they might temp you to chew your own digits off for their taste value. The usually captivating John Amplas is all neutered and shriveled up by the macho military dumb asses talking over everyone.

"Sorry, I have nothing to donate to Big Brothers, Big Sisters this year."

I love this song by the Cranberries!

Another highlight is when Lori hacks off Miguel’s arm and cauterizes it so he won't be infected by the zombie plague was very creative. There are truly clever and innovative moments within the film, but it all adds up to a very unsatisfying  affair. I hate to say it, but for the sake of Gottfried ripping on it and my own anxieties about being a closet hater of Day I gotta come clean and express these views.

"I need a new chiropractor!"

"You said it Erok, now I gots something to say!!!"

If you made it this far then let me tell ya that you should think of this review as a "Roast". We're celebrating something we love but pointing out every short coming and making fun of every flaw.
This post would certainly be incomplete without mentioning the awkward performance of Ralph Marrero who played Rickles. It's the kind of performance that almost makes you feel embarrassed for the little guy. The foul mouthed character of Steel (Gary Howard Klar) is played nearly to perfection as a menacing goon and Rhodes's right hand man. However, when Steel and Rickles share screen time it's like watching a head strong Uruk-hai next to a drooling incompetent Orc.

Steel and Rickles

"Night of the Living Bread is so Funny!"

Rhodes unfriended me on Facebook. :( 

As much as I hated all the military bozos I 'm actually starting to side with them! Was Dr. Frankenstein really going to pass around the walkman and teach every zombie how to salute? His research was stupid he should have been working on a giant weed wacker or some kind of zombie melting gas!

"Did you call an Uber?"

Track 1-The Dead Walk
Great for doing aerobics!!!

Another thing I have to mention is the musical aspect. John Harrison's score certainly gets the job done but is that what you want? Just to get the job done! After collaborating with Goblin and having them compose that iconic heart pumping score for Dawn, it just seems like Day really could have had more music and better music at that. I do have some of the tracks in a few of my horror playlists but just go listen to "The World Inside your Eyes" right now by Sputzy Sparacino and then just try to argue with me ;) That song is super schmaltzy and there's zero irony to be found, it's almost as bad as the Dr. Felix portion of the Deep Red Simonetti Horror Project remix.

This kid said that he loved the Day of the Dead remake, so we killed him.

Speaking poorly of Romero or Day of the Dead should not be allowed EVER, but maybe now we'll get you to leave a comment! Go for it! Tell us what you think!

"Please don't post this review!"

Return of the Evil Dead

Return of the Evil Dead (Attack of the Blind Dead, Mark of the Devil 5) Directed By Amando de Ossorio, starring The Blind Dead (1973).

After suffering through Night of the Seagulls and Horror of the Zombies, I never wanted to see another chapter of the crab god worshiping, flesh eating Spaniard klansmen ever again. But then I just got a Shudder trial (thanks Kristin) and figured I'd turn on a background movie and do some more important shit while it was on. I was flabbergasted and compelled to stop everything and watch!

We see the Templars with beards and this time covered in human flesh, pissing off villagers who shove torches into their eye sockets--so that's how they went blind! As far as sloppy and brief storylines go, I'll take this over speculation on how they got this way. The effects were so appallingly bad that I was locked in its shitty Eurotrash tractor beam. Bad dubbing, wacky dialogue and hideous actors--of course it was irresistible!

this Medieval Lasik eye surgery is top notch!

There's a creepy village idiot with Bell's Palsy who seems like the Knights of Templar's version of Renfield. He's eagerly awaiting their return and does their bidding. The Blind Dead have no loyalty of course, just like those cartoon Christian Chick tracts that show Satan cackling as his followers cry and burst into flames.

Whatever babe, unibrows are making a come back!

Oh man, my favorite part, which is a stroke of genius is when a blonde who just narrowly escapes a zombie attack hops onto one of their dead horses and splits the scene! I heard David Mamet ghost wrote the script, I guess that's why it's so clever this time around.

I'm actually kind of shocked that this unassuming sequel is just as good as the first (which I dug like a makeshift Jimmy cross--get it dig)? What am I the Cryptkeeper now?

features I Want My Baby Back by Jimmy Cross.

The crusty knights must've had a busy schedule or something because they seem to usually be shot in "day for night" style and at one point the sun just rises up out of nowhere, Ed Wood would think "don't worry, no one cares, it's fine" and bitch about the 711 ruining the neighborhood (read "Nightmare In Ecstasy" to appreciate that reference).

Hey Leggo my Chili Cheese Taquito! 

Vivian, who is one of the strongest female characters I've ever seen in a trashy Euro flick looks kind of like Franca Stoppi or Isela Vega, the girlfriend in Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia. The scene where the blind horsemen crash the party is almost as good if not better than Nightmare 2!

Their horses keep changing from white to brown, I think the continuity advisor was tanked, but who cares this entire movie is a barrel of laughs! To be fair, they had an inch thick of VHS cobwebs to obscure the fuckups that nobody noticed at the time. I doubt Amando de Ossario thought anyone would bother turning this into an HD quality transfer. There's still lots of ambiguous mystery surrounding their origin and folklore but you may find yourself not caring as much especially since the entertainment barometer is off the scale!

A FUN SEQUEL, BETTER THAN A HOT POKER IN THE EYESOCKET!

mummified beach blast!