Savage Weekend

Savage Weekend Directed By David Paulsen, Starring William Sanderson (1979).

Forget 30° of Kevin Bacon, this trivia question waiting to happen is something on the nerd level of what scuzzy 70’s flick has David Gale from Re-Animator and William Sanderson from Newhart and Fight for Your Life. That's right, this piece of trash.  Right over the credits we hear banjo music and a chainsaw heating up for some action. William “JF Sebastian” Sanderson is the thrift store Leatherface of this feature. This is the kind of movie where you're not sure if you had a nightmare about it or it actually happened but it's been sitting on the burner for at least five years and was gnawing at my subconscious so I just had to review it right now. It's got Caitlin O’ Heaney who I remember as the sexy teacher from Three O' Clock High in Oshkosh baa gosh if that doesn't get your motor running then just turn it off right now! Everything has that smothered in Vaseline light quality and it all just screams underground movie never to be seen for public consumption.

check out this cool maxi-pad from Hot Topic!

There’s this Tab Hunter type guy played by Christopher Allport. This actor was in one of my favorite fucked up movies Brain Wash and also Dead and Buried. His character is very flamboyant and comes on to Bud Light swilling rednecks, I mean he's just asking for trouble. This is supposed to be filmed in the backwoods but everything about it says Canada.

I could totally see Vinegar Syndrome putting this out on Blu-ray, it has that typical cruddy film stock that they love to remaster. There is a Kentucky fried movie level of boom mic prowess, I mean I expect at any minute to lower down and drink a glass of water.

or shave your face!

Sanderson was typecast in a lot of country hillbilly bullshit before he landed the gig in the famous Ridley Scott film. Really though, how do you top a movie as fucked up as Fight For Your Life, you’d think it’d be all downhill after that. Sanderson delved in mainstream fair like Coal Miners Daughter in the mid 70s as well.

Uh Oh I pooped again!

David Gale has one of those Marty Robbins handlebar mustaches and is pretty unlikeable.

I'm surprised I didn't review this sooner, it has a Mansion of the Doomed or Messiah of Evil quality that I dig. It's definitely way more captivating then say Pigs (which is available on Blu-ray).

I'm gonna peel you like a large orange.

The boom mic is shown so much here that it's almost another character. The boom operator must have a limp wrist like Lamar, forcing him to dip below the frame so much that he probably could've used a Revenge of the Nerds style floppy javelin instead of a straight pole to handle the microphone.

artists representation of Boom operator.

Chas Balun mentioned how this was the first movie with the masked Jason type killer. Big deal!

There's a lot of scenes where William Sanderson is just talking to himself right next to an Ed Wood style cardboard gravestone.

This version I watched on Betamax TV seems slightly edited maybe they're trying to cater to the whole summer blockbuster audience that doesn't exist anymore. Even with all the excized bits, I can't imagine enjoying this anymore, especially sober.

William Sanderson puts on the dime store mask and kind of lurks in the corners. The writing is non-existent and I have no idea what’s going on or what the point the film has.

Nobody is going to say that this was the precursor to Friday the 13th or some bullshit like that but I guess it's slightly relevant.

It's definitely kinky in the sex department which is kind of abrupt and I can't say it's a good film. I definitely can't recommend it, but it's an oddity nonetheless. The director also made the way better Schizoid with Klaus Kinski for Cannon, they also later distributed Savage and Paulsen worked primarily in TV on Dallas of all things.

I just discovered while writing this that Kino Lorber actually did put this out restored on Blu-ray with new interviews, excited? Not me! It's also available to stream on the Night Flight app.

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

USA UP ALL NIGHT LEFT OVER: FOREVER EVIL

Forever Evil. Directed by Roger Evans (1987).

Review By Mike Hauss

What a not wildly fresh premise this film had. A group of friends go to a cabin in the woods for a weekend to celebrate their last weekend at the cabin, which is slated to be sold. Supernatural forces attack and brutally kill all but Marc Denning, who escapes to a busy road. But as he stands battered and bruised celebrating his narrow escape, he is hit by a car. Marc awakes a week or so later in the hospital, with broken this and fractured that.

The re-animated corpse of Ebenezer Scrooge just in time for Christmas.

This film is not very good, but it does build a bit of suspense here and there, but for a film that technically looks like shit to clock in at a mind-ripping one-hundred and fifty-minutes is a grave mistake. If a capable edit of the film had been made, to shore twenty to thirty minutes off it, the film would have been a tighter affair and the fast-forward button wouldn’t have been so prevalent in my viewing experience. A grizzled old detective named Leo, Marc Denning and a young lady named Reggie, who also survived an attack by these dark forces, all band together to try and defeat the assailants, which includes zombies and creatures that shoot laser beams.

Lovecraft Schmuvcraft!

What the story revolves around is a cult who are making sacrificial murders in the goal of bringing the ancient god Yog Kothag back to earth, from which he was banished eons ago because of his evil. Obviously, the writers involved in this film borrowed a bit from H.P. Lovecraft and his creation Yog-Sothoth, along with Evil Dead in its cabin in the woods, supernatural attack forces. The acting is so bad that its almost hypnotic in its deconstruction of a craft. The first twenty minutes or so are so cheesy stupid, that it makes the viewer take notice and keeps one eyeing the power button to turn this film off at any moment. Like noted above the film does build some suspense here and there, but it does not know how to sustain it or to reach a proper payoff. For a film with this large of a scope to tread forward with bad actors, bad production values and an over inflated runtime really destructs any hope that the film had of being a cult classic, it was obviously aiming for. And what sets this apart from that other noted low-budget cabin in the woods film, Evil Dead... is talent!

WATCH ON YOUTUBE OR DON'T SEE IF I CARE!

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!

"A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell"(1990)

Director: Brett Piper 

Writer: Brett Piper
Stars: Paul Guzzi, Linda Corwin, Alex Pirnie

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

So far, "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!" plays like a fully-clothed porno, meaning, what the hell's the point? I think they may have been way too inspired by the music video, "Walk The Dinosaur" by Was(Not Was). Or Was it? 

and maybe decided to make a full length movie based on the video game for "Primal Rage".

It's Troma, so there's zero respect for sanity of their audience. Their movies are 9 times out of 10 an hour and a half too long. haha. I can't hate Troma too much because yes, they're mostly terrible movies, but they're still important. I guess it's reputable under the guise that anyone (and they mean anyone) can be a filmmaker and that's something to behold for sure. No idea too dumb, no plot too thin, no special effects too not-so-special. The Ray Harryhausen style animated monsters (by Brett Piper and Alex Pirnie) sprinkled throughout here in "Nymphoid" were so adorable! haha. 

Gawd this movie is terrible. I'm going to make a rule for myself never to choose the movie based on extremely long, deceptively interesting title. Reminds of the other movie related rule of thumb of the past; never to rent "big box" horror movies at your local video store. I'm not sure if that was always 100% true, but it's still entertaining to think about. For example, my first thought when it comes to big video boxes is a copy of "2000 Maniacs" which I guess in comparison is actually a "good movie" haha. 

The whole movie's explained in the first 2 minutes but I actually forgot about it by the time I got to the ending. I'm not the only one, the film abandoned the storyline too. Basically, a barbarian girl (Linda Corwin) is one of the last women on earth after a major nuclear war that ended civilization and the remaining animals morphed in those awesome animated monsters I mentioned before. If there was an edit of this movie with nothing but those monsters, that would've been way better! The title is pretty deceiving in that there is yes, a couple of icky attempted rapes (not initiated by our female lead, but the gnarly cavemen wandering about), but nothing that would define a nymphomaniac of any kind. 

The music score kept reminding me of "O Holy Night" so I had this bizarre caveman adventure Christmas theme going on in my head for a bit. hahaha.  Hey, at least this movie's mostly set at the beach (somewhere in New Hampshire apparently), so we can enjoy the scenery. A great way to sum this movie up is the first comment on YouTube where Troma has graciously uploaded this video for all to see. Commenter Douglas Berry says: "I sometimes ask myself, why am I watching this? Is my life so empty I'll watch any moving picture? I guess so......"

I rate this movie 3 creatures 🐲🐲🐲  for the FX

1 pile of poo 💩 for the rest of it

USA UP ALL NIGHT airings of "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!"

Season 3 | Episode 5 (18 January 1991) A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell/Young Nurses in Love

Season 3 | Episode 69 (31 August 1991) Joysticks/A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell 

WATCH HERE (Thanks TROMA!) 

BUY HERE!

There's actually commentary on the DVD by Director/Writer/Creature FX Brett Piper. Would love to hear that! 

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Eat And Run

"Eat And Run"(1986)

Director: Christopher Hart 

Writer: Stan Hart, Christopher Hart

Stars: Ron Silver, Sharon Sharth, Pat Ryan

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

"Eat And Run" seems like a somewhat larger budgeted movie from the looks of it, with that glossy New World Pictures logo coming on the screen. At least it seems fancier to me. This movie's pretty gross but it's actually adorably funny in a likable cornball way. It's one of the many New York set films of the 1980s that emphasizes it's Italian community, although it's probably the only one that focuses on the appetizing nature of its people as food versus the food that they create. haha. They generically reference Carvel ice cream cakes which is painfully 80s NY, but surprisingly not Friendly's (even though, they hail from Massachusetts) which seems to be a suburban NY staple. Hell, they even referenced Friendly's in "The Sopranos" haha.

The eating (although, not much running actually) is done by shirt button spitting character actor, Pat Ryan (or sometimes R.L. Ryan). You might recognize him as the sleazy junkyard owner from "Street Trash" which he did around the same time as "Eat..".  Here, he's a humanoid space alien named Murray the Creature that crash landed in New York. A nice Italian man picks him up thinking he's a hitchhiker and inadvertently talks Murray into eating him. This sets a series of murders that goofball detective, Mickey McSorely (Ron Silver) goes on a self-narrating journey to solve.

"I Ordered Fudgey The Fish But They Send Me Fuckin' Cookie Face!" 

I went into this "USA Up All Night" choice of movie thinking it was a horror film, but it's more of a comedy than anything. All the "gore" is done off screen. There are a ton of gags in this, which can sometimes read as trying too hard. Sometimes they kinda bash you over the head with the schtick but it was still charming in a vaudeville kinda way. It was the last movie written by Stan Hart who was head writer of "The Carol Burnett Show" and also had written for Mad Magazine.

I could've done without the icky comedic fully-clothed sex scenes with poofy haired Judge Cheryl (Sharon Schlarth) and McSorely, haha. Some of the dialogue exchanges though were pretty funny like,

Cheryl: "Oh by way, I forgot to ask if you had Herpes?" 

McSorely: "Oh god no, that's one thing I don't have" 

Cheryl: "It's not so bad, it stings from time to time, but it doesn't interfere with my social life" 

Murray eats tunnel-digging Agamemnon from "OZ" 

I think my favorite gag was when the Zeppoles vendor fried his ring, his watch and his ID bracelet.  The least would have to be the weird sex scene with McSorely (he kinda resembles an off-brand Andy Garcia) and Judge Cheryl but she's sound asleep. Yuck. 

This movie is not quite at "Eating Raoul" caliber as far as comedies involving eating people goes,  but it's worth a look. These movies were surprisingly never paired up on "USA Up All Night". 

"Eat And Run" apparently aired 4 times (!!) on "USA Up All Night":

April 8th 1989 Satan's Cheerleaders/Eat and Run 

September 1 1989 Eat and Run/The Kentucky Fried Movie 

November 24 1989 Swim Team/Eat and Run 

November 25 1989 Eat and Run/The Van 

I give this one 2 and half pizzas 🍕🍕

You can watch "Eat And Run" HERE

Find the it for sale HERE

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Fatal Exposure

 

"Fatal Exposure" aka "Mangled Alive" (1989)

Director: Peter B. Good

Writer: Christopher Painter

Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Dan Schmale

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

I’ve probably seen “Fatal Exposure” in a video store at some point. I mean, just look at the video cover. Trashy, kinda scary with the big skull in the background. Maybe like a cross between an 80s slasher and a Shannon Tweed flick? In 1994 (S6:EP92) it was broadcast on USA’s Up All Night (paired with “The Sex Puppets”). I’m kind of astounded with the amount of sex and pretty shocking gore scenes that this was watchable in an edited for TV format. Editing techniques weren’t nearly as fancy back then as they are nowadays. (For example, check out the digitally painted on bras in the edited for TV version of “ShowGirls”). Sure, the sex is mostly just nips and super high on the thigh underwear (damn you 1989 fashion!) still on, but you get the point.

We follow the mullet-haired Jack T. Rippington (hahaha), grandson of serial killer Jack The Ripper (played by kickboxer/soap opera actor, Blake Bahner). He believes that the blood of his photoshoot model victims is basically Viagra which he stores in a lunchbox Thermos. He laughably explains what he's doing to the camera as sort of an on-screen narrator. This is done somewhat tongue-in-cheek though because when he first meets his Sherilyn Fenn-type "dreamgirl" Erica (Ena Henderson) she says, "do you always talk to yourself?".

This movie is weird because it should be seen as terrible, unlikable, badly made, etc, but it's really not. I don't know, I liked the characters and felt that they weren't trying too hard. Make no mistake, this movie is pretty terrible, but that doesn't mean it isn't super fun. It would awesome to watch super drunk with some friends and lots of snacks. Like I mentioned before, I was pretty surprised at how viciously gory the death scenes are in this, and there's a lot of them. Heads chopped off, hydrochloric acid ingested resulting in melting flesh.

Whew! We can thank Scott Coulter (who also did "Class Of Nuke Em High" among a ton of credits and still works in effects today) for the kool gore effects.

The tone of "Fatal..." reminded me soo much of "Soultaker" (1990) which was savagely (by that I mean hilariously) made fun of by Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was also reminded of the fantastic, "Panic Beats" with it's extreme gore, house-in-the-middle-of-nowhere and soap opera-y feel. Lots of fun!

You can check out "Fatal Exposure" over HERE

The Devil's Rain (1975)

The Devil’s Rain (1975, dir. Robert Fuest)

Review by Goat Scrote

     We imps at TOG Laboratories have been busy preparing the way to Armageddon for quite some time now. To commemorate our 666th article, we’ve summoned a slice of 70s Satanic cinema so ripe n’ cheesy you’ll think you’ve landed in one of the moister, smellier crevices of Satan’s underpants. “Devil’s Rain” is a stinker but it’s got a ridiculously excessive finale which is worth seeing just for the jaw-dropping amount of slime involved.

Mork calling Orson.

     If you don’t have the patience for the slow pacing and laugh-inducing "action" sequences characteristic of the 1970s, you should still tune in for the fun splatter of the climax starting around the 74 minute mark. You don’t need to understand what’s happening plot-wise to enjoy the best things about the finale. It's a gooey rainbow of B-grade horror silliness as eyeless cultists dissolve into puddles and a regular dude wrestles with the devil. If they’d made the slime red instead of green, this might have been an R-rated grindhouse classic. As it is, it’s a mostly-bloodless 70s PG with a lot of melting zombie-flesh at the end. The effects department must have gone through hundreds of gallons of goop for that oozing, dripping, drizzling payoff.

Insert obligatory semen joke here.

     At the high point of his career, director Robert Fuest made two psychedelically schlocky Vincent Price classics, “The Abominable Doctor Phibes” (1971) and “Dr. Phibes Rises Again” (1972), as well as a couple of other cult classics. “The Devil’s Rain” was such a rancid flop, however, that it killed Fuest’s film career deader than an unbaptized virgin goat at a Black Mass. Fuest was banished ever afterward to the land of TV. Yes, the wretched stink of this movie was so severe that it canceled out the pleasing patchouli aroma of both of the super-swingin’ Dr. Phibes films.

Don't they sell these at Spencer's Gifts?

     Then there’s the curious fact that the filmmakers consulted with the actual Church of Satan while making this film. I imagine they did this partly to stir controversy for attention, and partly to pretend that there was some kind of legitimacy to the supernatural story which the writers had cooked up. They even gave cameos to Anton and Diane LaVey, self-proclaimed High Priest and Priestess of Satan's ministry on Earth at the time. I’m sure the LaVeys were very happy to collect their paychecks and soak up the free publicity on top of that, because why the Hell not? I can't help but imagine Anton LaVey casually reeling off inane occult nonsense with his trademark grim and frightening theatrical demeanor, then laughing cheerfully all the way to the bank.

Leaked! You'll never believe who they've cast as Dr. Fate
in the upcoming Justice League sequel!

     “Devil’s Rain” has campy performances from a reasonably well-known cast which includes Ernest Borgnine, Eddie Albert, Ida Lupino, Keenan Wynn, Tom Skerritt, and extra-large douchebag in human form William Fucking Shatner. Spoiler alert, in this one Shatner gets his punk ass whupped severely, and I found that ass-whuppin’ profoundly spiritually satisfying. Is that wrong?

I love my seventies porn collection.

     Even though Ernest Borgnine plays the villain, he is the real hero for me because he seems to be the only person on screen trying to make a movie which is not boring. He knows he is making a bad movie, for sure, but he still does what he can to make it an entertaining bad movie. I like his hammy, melodramatic performance as the manipulative cult leader who can shift from politely folksy to gleefully wicked to quietly sinister whenever it suits him. It's not nearly enough to counteract all the boring parts, but any time Borgnine is chewing scenery the movie is a lot more fun.

Anyone who sold their soul for this movie
is definitely entitled to a refund.

     I've saved the biggest star for last. This pile of eviscerated sun-bloated hog bowels disguised as a film holds the distinction of debuting an unknown young actor named John Travolta. He doesn’t speak and you never even get to see his whole face, so don’t get too excited. You may also be interested to know that the set of “The Devil’s Rain” is where the larval actor had his first introduction to the cynical money-making machine which calls itself Scientology. That's two, count 'em, two separate real-life cults with connections to this movie!

Can you spot the Travolta hidden in this picture?

     The opening credits roll over close-ups from paintings by Hieronymus Bosch (c. 1450 - 1516 CE) depicting vast hellscapes full of creative and awful torments. If only Bosch had made horror movies. His paintings prove that he was very good at crafting disturbing, surreal, gory, and grotesque religious imagery. He was also good at straight-up vicious torture porn. Whatever he filmed it would have been better than the shit I’m watching today, I just know it.

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Very, Very, Very Beginning"
A Hieronymus Bosch Joint

  The story begins with a fierce thunderstorm lashing a house out in the desert. Inside, frumpy and anxious Mrs. Preston (pioneering director, writer, singer, and actress Ida Lupino) is dressed in what appears to be a pink checkered tablecloth. Don't let her role fool you, she was one of the toughest, most determined, and smartest people in Hollywood during the 50s. Mama Preston frets about her husband, who is many hours late. Her son Mark Preston (William Fucking Shatner) returns from a search empty-handed. Moments later his father returns on his own, but all is not well.

This is what I get for adding
Bill Shatner to an overpopulated world.

  Papa Preston (George Sawaya) has misplaced his eyeballs and his face is slowly melting. He delivers a message from a villain named Corbis, who is waiting in a nearby ghost town. Corbis wants the family to turn over a book of Satanic power which is in their possession. Then Papa Preston praises Satan and melts into sludge. I wonder if they shoveled him into a bucket for a funeral later on, or if they just let his remains soak into the mud for fertilizer? The movie sort of implies the latter.

This book of alien space wisdom has cured me of gay!

     Mark is drawn away from the house by a ruse and returns to find Mama Preston has been kidnapped. The aged family retainer (TV regular Woody Chambliss, who also played old Sgt. Pepper in the 1978 Beatles film) has been tied up and beaten senseless. This character is forgotten almost immediately after being introduced.

     Mark grabs a pistol and an amulet of protection, jumps in his station wagon, and heads out to do battle with the forces of darkness. He arrives at the ghost town and Jonathan Corbis (Ernest Borgnine) pops up out of nowhere to have a friendly chat.

Borgnine starts the hoodie-and-medallion look.

     Corbis wants the book and demands to know where Mark has hidden it. They have a faith vs. faith challenge inside a creepy old boarded-up church. Within is a Satanic altar and some robed bozos chanting evil hymns to bad organ music. Cap’n Kirk prays his butt off to Jesus and friends, while Borgnine offers adulation to the ruler of the Bottomless Pit. Their competition over who can overact the hardest ends when one of the robed cultists reveals herself to be Mama Preston, now eyeless and enslaved to Satan. Mark loses his cool and shoots one of the minions. Green gloop oozes out and Borgnine makes fun of him for putting his faith in a mere weapon.

The power of Kirk compels you!
The power of Kirk compels you!

     Poor gun-happy Mark has lost the metaphysical battle, so the cultists strip him of his amulet and half his clothes, take him captive, and torture him for the location of the book. The cultists apply an extreme version of good-cop, bad-cop. Corbis torments him a while, then trades places with a seductress. She passionately kisses a willing Shatner… until he realizes that he’s actually slipping tongue to the eyeless, slime-filled, undead shell of his saggy-fleshed elderly mother! Ewwww, on so many levels... Judas Priest! I wish films and TV wouldn't have forced so many innocent people to kiss Shatner. He clearly doesn't get the basic concept and it's fucking embarrassing.

MISTER TAMBOURINE MAN!

     Meanwhile, at the lab of Dr. Sam Richards (Eddie Albert), he believes he is about to "unlock the key to ESP".  Tom Preston (Tom Skerritt) is the Doctor’s assistant and the youngest son of the Preston family. His wife Julie Preston (Joan Prather) is the subject of the psychic experiment. She has visions of bad shit going down involving the Satanic church in the ghost town. The Sheriff (Keenan Wynn) is busy with the aftermath of the big storm, so Tom and Julie are forced to investigate what happened to his family on their own.

Okay, I'll do the movie as long as I'm not in any
scenes with You-Know-Fucking-Who.

     Tom and Julie arrive in the ghost town toting a rifle. The church is dark inside except for the light from a stained-glass window which looks like a prop from a super-cheesy 80s heavy metal video. (That actually makes the window well ahead of its time, I guess?) That’s the only clue Tom needs to figure out that the whole mess is about devil worship. He's a genius. They find his brother's shirt in the church, then their car explodes in a fireball outside. When they run out to investigate, someone driving Mark’s station wagon tries to flatten them. Tom shoots at the car and it crashes, then he chases and fights the psycho cowboy who was behind the wheel.
     This movie has really unexciting action and unconvincing fights. Behold the magic of cinema.

HEAVY \m/ METAL

     Meanwhile, courtesy of Julie's psychic powers, we flash back to the olden days. A bunch of Satanists dressed like pilgrims in a Thanksgiving school play are plotting secret evil stuff. Shatner is one of the cultists. Corbis bitches about the lost book even back then, hundreds of years ago. The other cultists must be really sick of hearing about that shit by now.

Gee, honey, this B&B looks really... inviting.

     A bunch of villagers show up with torches, led by the Reverend of the town (Claudio Brook). Shatner is one of the Satanists, and his wife, Aaronessa (Erika Carlsson) has betrayed the cult to the Reverend on the condition that she and her husband be spared. The Reverend double crosses her and burns both husband and wife at the stake with the rest of the cult. Corbis is not impressed and talks Satanic smack to the crowd while the auto-da-fe proceeds. He isn’t tied to the stake, but he just dances around the pole and stays in the fire anyway. What a fun-loving kook! I don't care if he is evil incarnate, I bet Corbis is fun at parties. As long as no one mentions that dumb book.

     Back in the present, Tom and Julie take the station wagon to get away from the ghost town. On the way out Tom has a crisis of conscience. He decides to go back on foot so he can fight the magic-wielding cult single-handedly and rescue his brother. Did I write that he was a genius earlier? What a reckless idiot, that’s what I meant to write.

Driver, get me to the set of Phantasm!

     Julie drives on to fetch the Sheriff, but the mother-in-law from actual Hell takes a break from making out with her son to magically appear in the back seat. She abducts Julie with embarrassing ease.

     Night falls and the cultists march with torches, dragging a shirtless Shatner toward the altar. Tom is disguised in a cultist robe to infiltrate the evil ceremony. At the big Satanic altar, Corbis holds an evil freestyle hip-hop poetry slam. Check out his hype lyrics: “Let us behold the Father, the Ram of the Sun, the Moon, the Stars! Hail O Deathless One!”

Sucker MCs better watch their step.

     See, this is what happens when real Satanists write your Hollywood rituals for you. If you actually say that last bit out loud you could turn into an evil Satan-possessed goat-person, just like Borgnine does on camera, and just as I did many years ago. Ernest could afford the plastic surgery to cover up his mistake. I personally can't. You’ve been warned!

     Anyway, they finally break Shatner’s spirit and he turns into another eyeless goon. Tom gets spotted by his zombie Mama but he escapes to fetch more help, in the form of Dr. Richards.

This church-sponsored Easter egg hunt is a little "off" somehow.

     Dr. Richards and Tom explore the church and underneath the floor they uncover a giant Faberge egg with golden ram horns. It turns out the egg is full of souls captured by Corbis. The Sheriff appears again, now an eyeless drone, and Tom fights him hand to hand even though both men have guns. Tom wins, of course, but he and Dr. Richards are forced to hide from the other minions. One of the cultists sees that the magic egg is gone, but the heroes have left the Satanic book behind. WTF, idiots? You had one job, keep that stupid book away from Corbis! The cultist (John Travolta) runs off to give the prize to his master. The bad guys are super-psyched about this turn of events.

The golden fleece prepares to devour Oedipus,
just as it was foretold in the Necronomicon!

      The minions prepare to work their magic on Julie, but Tom jumps into the scene and brawls with anyone in a robe. Dr. Richards threatens to crack the eggy thing, which we learn is called the Devil’s Rain. Why in the world would it be called that? Zombie-Shatner gets his hands on the egg. Fortunately for the forces of goodness, Cap'n Kirk is able to overcome his Satanic enslavement and crack the Devil's Rain open.

Oh, you handsome devil.

     The roof blows out at the same moment, I guess because of the souls escaping. Actual rain, which is apparently not the Devil’s Rain, pours down from the sky. That just seems confusing, to have a movie called "The Devil's Rain" in which the only rain that falls is not the Devil's, because "rain" in this case refers to a magic blue egg full of dead people. Hey, don't look at me, ask Anton LaVey's corpse what the fuck this is about.

Give Uncle Satan a big wet kiss, Tommy!

     The rain melts the cultists and since this scene is where most of the budget went, the director spends a lot of time on the gooey, wailing deaths. Satan/Corbis is pi-i-i-i-iiiissed, but the rain melts him down even as he struggles with Tom. Then the Prince of Darkness falls into a hole and explodes because... um... reasons. Eventually the whole church explodes with no apparent provocation. It’s a sludgy mess of an ending. Then as a stinger, Julie turns out to be possessed by the spirit of Corbis and we are treated to a creepy scene of Ernest Borgnine hug-molesting Tom Skerritt.

     Whew, this movie sure does suck a lot! I still have fun watching most of Ernest Borgnine’s scenes, and of course I like the way it ends. If you're interested in this flick you might enjoy the Joe Bob Briggs commentary about it.

Should've gotten a flu shot, stupid.