"Eat And Run" seems like a somewhat larger budgeted movie from the looks of it, with that glossy New World Pictures logo coming on the screen. At least it seems fancier to me. This movie's pretty gross but it's actually adorably funny in a likable cornball way. It's one of the many New York set films of the 1980s that emphasizes it's Italian community, although it's probably the only one that focuses on the appetizing nature of its people as food versus the food that they create. haha. They generically reference Carvel ice cream cakes which is painfully 80s NY, but surprisingly not Friendly's (even though, they hail from Massachusetts) which seems to be a suburban NY staple. Hell, they even referenced Friendly's in "The Sopranos" haha.
The eating (although, not much running actually) is done by shirt button spitting character actor, Pat Ryan (or sometimes R.L. Ryan). You might recognize him as the sleazy junkyard owner from "Street Trash" which he did around the same time as "Eat..". Here, he's a humanoid space alien named Murray the Creature that crash landed in New York. A nice Italian man picks him up thinking he's a hitchhiker and inadvertently talks Murray into eating him. This sets a series of murders that goofball detective, Mickey McSorely (Ron Silver) goes on a self-narrating journey to solve.
"I Ordered Fudgey The Fish But They Send Me Fuckin' Cookie Face!"
I went into this "USA Up All Night" choice of movie thinking it was a horror film, but it's more of a comedy than anything. All the "gore" is done off screen. There are a ton of gags in this, which can sometimes read as trying too hard. Sometimes they kinda bash you over the head with the schtick but it was still charming in a vaudeville kinda way. It was the last movie written by Stan Hart who was head writer of "The Carol Burnett Show" and also had written for Mad Magazine.
I could've done without the icky comedic fully-clothed sex scenes with poofy haired Judge Cheryl (Sharon Schlarth) and McSorely, haha. Some of the dialogue exchanges though were pretty funny like,
Cheryl: "Oh by way, I forgot to ask if you had Herpes?"
McSorely: "Oh god no, that's one thing I don't have"
Cheryl: "It's not so bad, it stings from time to time, but it doesn't interfere with my social life"
Murray eats tunnel-digging Agamemnon from "OZ"
I think my favorite gag was when the Zeppoles vendor fried his ring, his watch and his ID bracelet. The least would have to be the weird sex scene with McSorely (he kinda resembles an off-brand Andy Garcia) and Judge Cheryl but she's sound asleep. Yuck.
This movie is not quite at "Eating Raoul" caliber as far as comedies involving eating people goes, but it's worth a look. These movies were surprisingly never paired up on "USA Up All Night".
"Eat And Run" apparently aired 4 times (!!) on "USA Up All Night":
April 8th 1989 Satan's Cheerleaders/Eat and Run
September 1 1989 Eat and Run/The Kentucky Fried Movie
Another Comedy with boobs!!! But wait, this movie is not funny and boobs are almost nowhere to be found. Even though this another perfect movie for the USA-U.A.N. lineup a cut version of this film makes it even worse! Luckily there's Rhonda and all the 976 numbers during the breaks to keep you stimulated.
So why bother, Well, being a hardcore Land of the Lost fanatic and knowing that actor Philip Paley, Chaka himself is the lead role really sold me. I thought it would be cool to see Paley shed his fur for a little fun in the sun and play a horny teen looking for some love.
"Chaka want to get lost in your land!","Chaka horny and corny"
"Chaka, you shaved!, Talk about manscaping."
Charlie Harrison (Paley's character) also wants to be a rock n' roll GOD so we do get treated to some heavy metal tunes. Don't get excited though, there's no awesomeness like some other 80's metal films such as Trick or Treat and Shock em' Dead. The band featured is the D.R. Starr band and they only rock slightly.
"D.R. does not stand for Dumb Roadie!"
Behold THE SOUNDTRACK to Beach Balls
They're about to rock, but I don't salute them.
Charlie's best bud is Scully, he's played by Steven Tash, Tash is the guy that Bill Murray shocks right in the beginning of Ghostbusters. The Budget of Beach Balls is so cheap that Tash was probably paid the same 5 bucks that he walked out on after Murray had given him too many electrical shocks. Paley and Tash could have been awesome pair but nope!
Let's join that Surf Nazi Gang!
What's shocking is how bad Beach Balls is!
Roger Corman's New Horizons production company really really went cheap on this. Everyone's house is gross looking and even the beach looks cruddy. Director Joe Ritter, a competent Steadicam operator should have stayed behind the camera because this movie is trying so hard to be crude and sweet but failing miserably! His body of work is impressive though.
They Might NOT Be Giants
There is one other actor that may make this worth a viewing. Gary Schneider who plays a thug named Mollusk. (The Mollusk-my favorite Ween Album).
Schneider was the incomparable character of Bozo in the mother of all cult films, The Toxic Avenger. Bozo was the role he was born to play because he's not given much to say making his character in Beach Balls a waste. Just don't talk about his mom though, he doesn't like that.
Mollusk's breath smells like microwaved seafood!
Bozo is stressed, I mean Mollusk.
Charlie meets Wendy, the girl of his dreams but the problem is that she only dates musicians. She wants Keith, the front man from the band Severed Heads in a Bag! ( D.R. Starr Band ) If that band had seven members and it was a duffel bag maybe Joe Pesci would be in the movie! - cricket chirp-
Wendy gets her chance with Keith, then feels like he only wants her for sex, which he does and Charlie swoops in. We also meet Charlie's parents who are religious fanatics, they oppress his love for the guitar by associating it with Satan. His sister is dating a jockish lifeguard and he is quite the bully. Why? Well he's also the brother of the girl Charlie has the hots for and later we find out that he's in the closet, so expect lots of gay jokes, 80's style.
Miller from Repo Man was right about John Wayne!
All of these factors culminate in the finally at Charlie's house during a wild party. A party his parents told him not to have while they're out of town. Even some people from the record business are there! So can Charlie get the girl and a record contract in the same night? Find out in Beach Balls!!!
They might have a chance to get signed by Alternative Tentacle Records.
4/10 Bananas
This episode aired August 30th 1991
The movie that followed was Combat Academy
Maybe it's worth a watch for a few chuckles and that 80's nostalgia that the kids these days just love.
Should've have more T & A, so expect your beach balls to be blue after watching this.
More Clips and Highlights from Rhonda during Beach Balls
I’ve probably seen “Fatal Exposure” in a video store at some point. I mean, just look at the video cover. Trashy, kinda scary with the big skull in the background. Maybe like a cross between an 80s slasher and a Shannon Tweed flick? In 1994 (S6:EP92) it was broadcast on USA’s Up All Night (paired with “The Sex Puppets”). I’m kind of astounded with the amount of sex and pretty shocking gore scenes that this was watchable in an edited for TV format. Editing techniques weren’t nearly as fancy back then as they are nowadays. (For example, check out the digitally painted on bras in the edited for TV version of “ShowGirls”). Sure, the sex is mostly just nips and super high on the thigh underwear (damn you 1989 fashion!) still on, but you get the point.
We follow the mullet-haired Jack T. Rippington (hahaha), grandson of serial killer Jack The Ripper (played by kickboxer/soap opera actor, Blake Bahner). He believes that the blood of his photoshoot model victims is basically Viagra which he stores in a lunchbox Thermos. He laughably explains what he's doing to the camera as sort of an on-screen narrator. This is done somewhat tongue-in-cheek though because when he first meets his Sherilyn Fenn-type "dreamgirl" Erica (Ena Henderson) she says, "do you always talk to yourself?".
This movie is weird because it should be seen as terrible, unlikable, badly made, etc, but it's really not. I don't know, I liked the characters and felt that they weren't trying too hard. Make no mistake, this movie is pretty terrible, but that doesn't mean it isn't super fun. It would awesome to watch super drunk with some friends and lots of snacks. Like I mentioned before, I was pretty surprised at how viciously gory the death scenes are in this, and there's a lot of them. Heads chopped off, hydrochloric acid ingested resulting in melting flesh.
Whew! We can thank Scott Coulter (who also did "Class Of Nuke Em High" among a ton of credits and still works in effects today) for the kool gore effects.
The tone of "Fatal..." reminded me soo much of "Soultaker" (1990) which was savagely (by that I mean hilariously) made fun of by Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was also reminded of the fantastic, "Panic Beats" with it's extreme gore, house-in-the-middle-of-nowhere and soap opera-y feel. Lots of fun!
The Lift Directed By Dick Maas starring bunch of chuckleheads (1983).
By all logic and reason a killer elevator movie should be as
criminally inept as a bed that skeletonizes it’s victims aka Death Bed: the Bed That Eats People, but for some reason I was totally entranced in this movie. Maybe it’s the euro trash stink and irresistible dubbed weirdness, not sure but I am way into it. I remember an early issue the Fangoria
I saw a review for this 1983 flick from the ubiquitous Dr. Cyclops, which could've been any writer under that alias. I've been meaning to check it out ever since.
Damien in the Omen part 2 used his demonic brain
powers to control an elevator and make it slice up Meshach Taylor, the flamboyant fellow from Manniquin one and
part two respectively, into bite-size pieces. The Lift has an elevator with a mind of its
own and murders anyone who innocently steps on.
Felix (Huub Stapel) the elevator handyman seems like a bad parent. Dick Maas (which sounds like a Gay Pride Xmas celebration), the director who made this
film has one of those phobias that Lucy from Charlie Brown would diagnose and
really he must enjoy seeing people fall to theirdeath from the result of an elevator crash.
Everyone in this movie is seriously unlikable it’s like a virtual forrest of all ugly branches.
I’m expecting people from the White House to show up any
minute and excuse the elevator for the death toll.
During the hilarious decapitation scene, the head
mouths something as it plummets to the bottom. I know my friend Rob Fletcher
should include it on his next severed head celebration post on FB.
The factory that Felix works at reminds me of that Rainer Werner Fassbinder film Fox and His Friends. It’s all very German or possibly Dutch at least they don’t pretend like it’s US.
In 1983 a cinema snob had waay more options on films to watch, so I’m glad I waited
this long to see this film. I always think about how I could go into one theater
and see Return of the Jedi the same year this came out and another theater and see something better that’s
why it pays to wait it out sometimes.
Felix at one point rolls a cigarette like an old Timey
cowboy or maybe it's a joint, who knows? He gets pretty close with this one
attractive reporter though and it upsets his wife.
The weirdest part of the movie has nothing to do with an
elevator. When the science guy goes into detail all about computer chips, it reminded me of once again of Idiocracy where in the future you have to be set up with the
barcode or remain scannable.
The pacing gets really slow and not very rewarding but stick
it out anyway. I was yelling just die already like Elaine did during the forced viewing of the English patient, maybe you will
too there’s something to look forward to!
HIGHLY AND BEGRUDGINGLY RECOMMENDED.
In Harry Canyon voice: when she looked at me like that sheesh!
Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment (1985, dir. Satoru Ogura)
This "Guinea Pig" series reboot is a great idea!
Review by Goat Scrote
Yes, this is the first one in the series that got Chas Balun in all that hot water with the FBI!
Although there are several repulsive scenes, “Guinea Pig” doesn’t even come close to living up to its reputation as an extreme shock classic. The entire thing is only 43 minutes long and there is no story to spend time on, yet it’s halfway through before actual blood flows. Since this movie seems to have no purpose for existing other than to showcase blood and guts, that means there is a whole lot of purposeless violent filler occupying screen time. With no context for the violence it just seems like a meaningless exercise in misogynistic torture fantasy. If that sounds like your thing, you may dig it. My personal reaction to "Guinea Pig" was boredom and distaste (not a good combination), except during the brutal finale which features artfully disturbing imagery and an outstandingly horrifying gore effect which is a must-watch for gorehounds and practical SFX nerds.
Three men torture a woman, and she dies. There it is, the complete plot, in every detail. The abusers are anonymous and the victim never says anything. No one in the film is individualized or made into an actual character. There’s no explanation except that the project is claimed to be a series of experiments exploring the limits of suffering. Each “experiment” opens with a title card hinting at what kind of punishment they will inflict this time. This film is genuinely nothing but torture porn (and I use the term without malice), although they actually leave a lot of the worst of it out of view even during the gruesome and explicit final scene. They sacrifice quantity of gore for quality, which is usually the right trade-off.
The movie presents itself as something which was obtained illicitly and redistributed, in a “Blair Witch” style marketing maneuver. Most of the time the perpetrators faces aren’t shown, which further lends to the feeling that we’re watching something we’re not supposed to be seeing. I suspect it was these facts combined with the plotless pseudo-porno presentation which confused certain drug-addled celebrities into mistaking “Guinea Pig” for a real snuff film.
Part 2: Flower of Flesh and blood was the tape that freaked Charlie Sheen out enough to alert the FBI. Here's what Dennis Daniel said about the embarrassing event after he lent out the tape. Well, when I finished with it, I sent it to my pal Chris Gore at FILM THREAT. He ended up lending it to a friend who watched it with Charlie Sheen, of all people! Sheen thought the shit was REAL!!! He contacted a friend of his in the FBI and before you know it, I got a call from an FBI Agent saying that it was a federal offense to send snuff films through the mail! We’re talking 20 years in prison!!!! I had remembered that Chas told me there was a tape called THE MAKING OF GUINEA PIG, so the FBI said I had to give him the contact info for the person who sent me the tape and they needed to send that “MAKING OF” tape as well. So, I had to call Chas and tell him all this. Needless to say, he was not pleased. I actually called him on his birthday and he was having a fucking grand old time till I called him with the info. Remember, Chas was a California hippie dude of epic proportions…the fact that I gave “the man” info about him was not too cool…but I had no choice. He was my only hope to prove it was fake. It all worked out in the end but it really sucked at the time.
It begins with a woman handcuffed to a chair and several men dressed in black beating her. They rub salt in her eyes. They club her with a bag full of coins while one dude chills in the background casually enjoying a soda. Some time later, they throw her on the ground and kick her while verbally abusing her. Next they torture her with pliers pinching and twisting her skin. The most absurd torture arrives when they spin her around a whole lot on an office chair. After way too much time lingering on that, they force Jack Daniels down her gullet, and spin her around some more until she pukes.
The second most absurd "experiment" is when they torture her with headphones roped to her head, playing something which sounds like a perfectly ordinary Merzbow recording. This goes on until she is a drooling wreck. Around 22 minutes into the runtime it starts to get gory as they pull out her fingernails. She is tied up and asleep when they start pouring boiling oil on her arm with a cringe-inducing sizzling sound. That’s one seriously fucked up alarm clock.
Next up is the maggot torture. They pour maggots on the burns and sprinkle a few on her face just for the hell of it. She seems to be unconscious through it all. Maggots are pretty fucking gross, and the thought of them eating the dead flesh on her arm is unsettling. The entire maggot scene is about getting under our skin with psychological creepy crawlies.
For their next amazing trick, the torturers throw raw meat and real animal guts on the woman. The guys, mostly off-camera, giggle and breath heavily like masturbating morons. She is unconscious, and the gut-throwing goes on and on for what feels like a really long time. Finally she wakes up and screams. Again, it’s pretty gross to have guts all over you, but mainly I am bored at this point in the movie. If you've cooked chicken or turkey in your kitchen, you've handled things just as gross as this. Like the maggots, it's something a quick shower can take care of..
Things get drastic near the end. They move on to surgical incisions and smashing her hand with a sledgehammer. It does look pretty realistic. For the finale, they chain her head down and shove a long needled into her eye socket sideways. The eye socket floods with blood and the eye is skewered until it pops right out. Fulci and Bunuel would probably approve. It closes with what appears to be her corpse, dangling inside a net in the woods.
After it was over I felt all the emotional involvement of having watched a practical f/x demo reel. It was very hard for me to connect with this movie, since I couldn't see any purpose beyond serial-killer stroke material or showing off their gore effects prowess. I would've liked it better as a five-minute short, and I don't think anything significant would be lost that way. I know that they were doing their very best to present something deeply disturbing, but other than a handful of short sequences, I had to fight to avoid letting my attention wander.
Recommendation: Only watch the ending, unless you are a huge fan of torture porn and fake snuff.
This movie is a reality-melting batshit insane piece of outsider art, and I love it. Imagine if "Hausu" and "Equinox" had a funny-looking little kid who was very sweet and tried very hard but was just really, really dumb, and maybe a little chemically unbalanced like his mother. That kid is "Winterbeast". And yes that analogy seems oddly specific.
A few scenes were filmed in 1986, the rest was filmed over two days in 1989, and it was released on video in 1992. A couple of the props were recycled from a Dokken video. It’s one of the most badly-crafted movies I’ve seen in a long time, and also one of the most fun.
A photo of my reaction when I saw Greedo shoot first...
"Winterbeast" is one of those amazing and truly special crap-fests which is massively entertaining despite no budget, no Rifftrax, and no one involved having had any concept of how to make a movie. Even though almost everything about it is wrong, this movie is certainly not a dull experience. After I finished watching it the first time I wanted to watch it again just to confirm that this bizarre film really existed. I needed to know that those memories weren't the feverish hallucinatory product of my crippling addictions to toad-licking and gasoline-huffing.
...and my eyeballs bursting into flames upon first viewing "Phantom Menace"
"Winterbeast" was written and directed by Christopher Tiesen. Really, Mr. Tiesen? You're trying to convince me that there was a script for this? You're trying to tell me that this movie was directed? I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid, buddy! It stars some people that I don't recognize and neither will you, unless you're a relative. I don't want to research this one, people, I just want to let the good vibes flow off the claymation and soothe my aching mind.
Rejected Masters of the Universe concepts: Hentai-Man
"Winterbeast" makes no sense at all. Half of the scenes don't seem to connect to anything else in the movie and there's hardly any attempt at a coherent explanation of what is going on. The dialogue and acting is on par with the storytelling, although the prissy, scenery-chewing resort owner is fun to watch. This extremely camp villain dresses in loud plaid suit-coats and similar garish couture. His fashions are eye-punishing.
What happens when a Sleestak fucks a chicken?
I tried not to analyze what was happening too much because I was afraid that might cause a brain hemorrhage. It all has something to do with a cursed Native American something-or-other, evil totem poles, and the effeminate white guy who is, I guess, summoning monsters to kill people for, uh, some reason? Or maybe that's not what happened at all. It's hard to be certain. There are two guys investigating what’s going on and they clash with the evil resort owner over whether to close the lodge down because of the danger, unaware that he is involved with the sudden appearance of the monsters.
This is what bath salts will do to you, kids.
Lots of really weird and harmful shit happens to random characters about whom we know nothing, and everything else just seems to be there to string us from one bizarre monster attack to the next one. The hilariously crude stop-motion creepy creatures come in all shapes and sizes. There's a blue-skinned zombie, a house-sized reptile, a giant birdlike monster, a wooden Gumby lookalike, a silly four-armed living totem pole, and more. Each monster appears, kills some people, then just wanders off forever. I suppose they all retired to a life of peaceful contemplation and were never seen again?
Free hugs!
There is really no point in giving much more of a plot summary of this movie. It's an accidental masterpiece of surrealist filmmaking. Okay, not really, but that sounded pretty good, right? For fans of schlock who want to turn their brain off and be mindlessly entertained for a while, I cannot recommend this highly enough. The screen shots from the film ought to give you a pretty good idea whether you're going to be into this or not, so I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Peace out, or whatever the kids say these days.
Recommended!
Damn! Okay white man, you win, your pit stench is totes fiercest.
When did this turn into "Nightmare Before Christmas"?
