USA UP ALL NIGHT: Beach Balls

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Joe Ritter 1988

                                                                                   Rhonda's Introduction
                                                                                                                               
Another Comedy with boobs!!! But wait, this movie is not funny and boobs are almost nowhere to be found. Even though this another perfect movie for the USA-U.A.N. lineup a cut version of this film makes it even worse! Luckily there's Rhonda and all the 976 numbers during the breaks to keep you stimulated.

So why bother, Well, being a hardcore Land of the Lost fanatic and knowing that actor Philip Paley, Chaka himself is the lead role really sold me. I thought it would be cool to see Paley shed his fur for a little fun in the sun and play a horny teen looking for some love.

"Chaka want to get lost in your land!","Chaka horny and corny"

"Chaka, you shaved!, Talk about manscaping."

Charlie Harrison (Paley's character) also wants to be a rock n' roll GOD so we do get treated to some heavy metal tunes. Don't get excited though, there's no awesomeness like some other 80's metal films such as Trick or Treat and Shock em' Dead. The band featured is the D.R. Starr band and they only rock slightly.

"D.R. does not stand for Dumb Roadie!"

Behold THE SOUNDTRACK to Beach Balls

They're about to rock, but I don't salute them.

Charlie's best bud is Scully, he's played by Steven Tash, Tash is the guy that Bill Murray shocks right in the beginning of Ghostbusters. The Budget of Beach Balls is so cheap that Tash was probably paid the same 5 bucks that he walked out on after Murray had given him too many electrical shocks. Paley and Tash could have been awesome pair but nope!

Let's join that Surf Nazi Gang!

What's shocking is how bad Beach Balls is!

Roger Corman's New Horizons production company really really went cheap on this. Everyone's house is gross looking and even the beach looks cruddy. Director Joe Ritter, a competent Steadicam operator should have stayed behind the camera because this movie is trying so hard to be crude and sweet but failing miserably! His body of work is impressive though.

They Might NOT Be Giants

There is one other actor that may make this worth a viewing. Gary Schneider who plays a thug named Mollusk. (The Mollusk-my favorite Ween Album).
Schneider was the incomparable character of Bozo in the mother of all cult films, The Toxic Avenger. Bozo was the role he was born to play because he's not given much to say making his character in Beach Balls a waste. Just don't talk about his mom though, he doesn't like that.

Mollusk's breath smells like microwaved seafood!

Bozo is stressed, I mean Mollusk.

Charlie meets Wendy, the girl of his dreams but the problem is that she only dates musicians. She wants Keith, the front man from the band Severed Heads in a Bag! ( D.R. Starr Band ) If that band had seven members and it was a duffel bag maybe Joe Pesci would be in the movie! - cricket chirp-
Wendy gets her chance with Keith, then feels like he only wants her for sex, which he does and Charlie swoops in. We also meet Charlie's parents who are religious fanatics, they oppress his love for the guitar by associating it with Satan. His sister is dating a jockish lifeguard and he is quite the bully. Why? Well he's also the brother of the girl Charlie has the hots for and later we find out that he's in the closet, so expect lots of gay jokes, 80's style.

Miller from Repo Man was right about John Wayne!

All of these factors culminate in the finally at Charlie's house during a wild party. A party his parents told him not to have while they're out of town. Even some people from the record business are there! So can Charlie get the girl and a record contract in the same night? Find out in Beach Balls!!!

They might have a chance to get signed by Alternative Tentacle Records.

4/10 Bananas

This episode aired August 30th 1991
The movie that followed was Combat Academy
Maybe it's worth a watch for a few chuckles and that 80's nostalgia that the kids these days just love.
Should've have more T & A, so expect your beach balls to be blue after watching this.

More Clips and Highlights from Rhonda during Beach Balls

Ritual Of Death

Ritual Of Death Directed By Fauzi Mansur starring Olair Coan (1990).

When Skunkape and I watched this together recently, both of our jaws dropped as we heard the opening credit 80's montage style song ("Beyound Love" by Sarah Regina). No that's not a typo this time, that's just how they spelled Beyond! It almost reminds me of those ultra cheesy songs that start out in various Cannon produced Sho Kosugi ninja vehicles. I knew from that moment that Ritual of Death was gonna rock! Fauzi Mansur delivers once again. It starts off at a church as a Winston Churchill/ Kane from Poltergeist 2 style tubby phantom haunts a community college, his name is Uncle Parker.

My bible needs a haircut

   A teacher who looks like Jack Marshak from Friday The 13th the series presides over an extremely crowded classroom. A tribe of Aztec-like indians conduct a grisly ritual, hence the title. As the ghost in the bowler hat holds a book with human hair sprouting from it, his hand splurts out copious amounts of pus. Brad (Olair Coan), one of the students in the class has gotten into more treacherous homework than he bargained for. The corpse the indians are preforming a dance and blowing smoke at, latches onto Brad's hand and then disappears. The results later turn him into a maniacal, raw meat eating freak in an executioners mask. 

I know Goat's head soup is good, but what about tacos?

    As far as the technical aspects of this film go, it's worse than a Jerry Warren production (The Wild World Of Batwoman). There's clumsy synthesizer sting noises every time they cut to Uncle Parker, the Churchchill ghost, there's some of the most inept dubbing, which sounds like a Drivers Ed. short and even a few jumpcuts. 
   It's all as intoxicating and hilarious as a Caipirinha, Brazil's national cocktail or as terrifying as an early Sepultura song!

   Brad and his buddy Jim (who apes Bogart by saying "this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship") are the main characters. Jim wants to steal an Egyptian parchment for them to use in their theatre group. They go to the library which looks like an old boat with stained glass and steal the fuzzy book. The teacher calls the police and warns that the book is dangerous, one cop who wears a sailor hat, looks like Chuck Berry to me.

If you see Keith Richards, tell him he's a cracker-ass bitch

   After 20 minutes the movie starts to get very repulsive as Jim and some gal hop into a bloody tub and rub a severed goat's head over their naked bodies. The dead goat looks uncomfortably real. Perhaps the reason the Indians are pissed off and haunting the actors is because their culture is being erroneously combined with a bunch of other tribes and some Egyptian mumbo jumbo.

King Tut, Buried with a Donkey, He's my favorite Honkey!

   
Brad goes to visit his jazz singing mom who sounds like Lauren Bacall if she gargled drano (I mean a voice so gravelly it could potentially hit the brown note)! Her son begins to stuff his gullet with raw meat as frogs hop around at their own accord, it's possible his mother may be a witch.

Go away Mom, I'm not drinking blood, I'm trying to masturbate

   Mansur's film always have some sort of satanic cult pulling the strings in the back ground. Some of the Egyptian sacrificing reminds me of Bloodfeast, but its all executed in a creative way that never blatantly rips off H.G. Lewis, unlike Mardi Gras Massacre. 

The clunky dubbing is off the charts hysterical and most of the characters sound like they are reading, that includes when they swear. 

I can't believe I got the role for this Poltergeist Neutrogena commercial!

   When Brad pulls his face open, his entire head erupts like a loaded zit. He skulks around the auditorium in a goofy executioner mask. One character drowns in a bath tub full of blood and his eyes pop out and float to the surface. The women in Ritual are very attractive, but you never get to enjoy their beauty, because they are disemboweled or stabbed in the face with a butcher knife. One murder is over the top creative, as a giant fan on wheels is pushed toward a victim and squashes his guts out like a smushed frog. It all ends in a smoky, disgusting pus filled gore fest and then that montage song plays over the credits. 

Highly Recommended! Go out of your way to see this one!   

Available from J4THI.com 

Ok I found my contacts, now where are my eyeballs

The Brazilian porn parody of Friday The 13th The Series

Theater of Guts

Tribute Trailer