USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!

"A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell"(1990)

Director: Brett Piper 

Writer: Brett Piper
Stars: Paul Guzzi, Linda Corwin, Alex Pirnie

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

So far, "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!" plays like a fully-clothed porno, meaning, what the hell's the point? I think they may have been way too inspired by the music video, "Walk The Dinosaur" by Was(Not Was). Or Was it? 

and maybe decided to make a full length movie based on the video game for "Primal Rage".

It's Troma, so there's zero respect for sanity of their audience. Their movies are 9 times out of 10 an hour and a half too long. haha. I can't hate Troma too much because yes, they're mostly terrible movies, but they're still important. I guess it's reputable under the guise that anyone (and they mean anyone) can be a filmmaker and that's something to behold for sure. No idea too dumb, no plot too thin, no special effects too not-so-special. The Ray Harryhausen style animated monsters (by Brett Piper and Alex Pirnie) sprinkled throughout here in "Nymphoid" were so adorable! haha. 

Gawd this movie is terrible. I'm going to make a rule for myself never to choose the movie based on extremely long, deceptively interesting title. Reminds of the other movie related rule of thumb of the past; never to rent "big box" horror movies at your local video store. I'm not sure if that was always 100% true, but it's still entertaining to think about. For example, my first thought when it comes to big video boxes is a copy of "2000 Maniacs" which I guess in comparison is actually a "good movie" haha. 

The whole movie's explained in the first 2 minutes but I actually forgot about it by the time I got to the ending. I'm not the only one, the film abandoned the storyline too. Basically, a barbarian girl (Linda Corwin) is one of the last women on earth after a major nuclear war that ended civilization and the remaining animals morphed in those awesome animated monsters I mentioned before. If there was an edit of this movie with nothing but those monsters, that would've been way better! The title is pretty deceiving in that there is yes, a couple of icky attempted rapes (not initiated by our female lead, but the gnarly cavemen wandering about), but nothing that would define a nymphomaniac of any kind. 

The music score kept reminding me of "O Holy Night" so I had this bizarre caveman adventure Christmas theme going on in my head for a bit. hahaha.  Hey, at least this movie's mostly set at the beach (somewhere in New Hampshire apparently), so we can enjoy the scenery. A great way to sum this movie up is the first comment on YouTube where Troma has graciously uploaded this video for all to see. Commenter Douglas Berry says: "I sometimes ask myself, why am I watching this? Is my life so empty I'll watch any moving picture? I guess so......"

I rate this movie 3 creatures 🐲🐲🐲  for the FX

1 pile of poo 💩 for the rest of it

USA UP ALL NIGHT airings of "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!"

Season 3 | Episode 5 (18 January 1991) A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell/Young Nurses in Love

Season 3 | Episode 69 (31 August 1991) Joysticks/A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell 

WATCH HERE (Thanks TROMA!) 

BUY HERE!

There's actually commentary on the DVD by Director/Writer/Creature FX Brett Piper. Would love to hear that! 

Cataclysm: The Nightmare Never Ends

Cataclysm: The Nightmare Never Ends (Satan's Supper), Directed by Gregg Tallas, Tom McGowan, Phillip Marshak. Starring Richard Moll (1980).

You've seen Night Train to Terror which has snippets of Nightmare and about five other films crammed together like a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich that adds up to a headache inducing disgusto-thon. This film was directed by 3 separate people, which should tell you something, too many cooks spoil the broth. Nothing about this travesty works and yet it's profoundly fascinating in a "I can't believe what I'm seeing" sort of way. Troma owns the rights to this one and Vinegar Syndrome offers the Night Train version (which is more coherent for some unknown reason). This one and Death Wish Club are available full length in the DR catalog. I knew there was something special about this Cameron "total dime whore " Mitchell/ Richard "Night Court's Bull" Moll Z-grade flick. 

It begins with deep sea magma footage of evolving rock, then a road trip with some of the most Thorazined-out dialogue looping I've ever heard. I mean just 2 mins in I'm ecstatic to watch this fiasco (or cataclysm which are just both synonyms for disaster) unfold or fall flat on its face. To me, this is a quintessential shit flick to steal Kris Gilpin's term. Claire Hansen, a ham faced lady played by the atrocious Faith Clift who has a more lethargic sounding voice than Frozen Scream's Liz Stanhope is plagued by a vision of Nazis machine gunning down a quartet of cello girls upon her visit to a dingy Vegas nightclub act. Her and her husband James Hansen (Moll) who's a novelist with a best selling book called "God Is Dead" go to see a cheapo psychic. It turns out the clairvoyant, a former ventriloquist is in league with Satan and soon after dies, (he scrawls "Moloch" in some sugar). Was it a warning, who knows there are tons of non sequiturs in this one, just go with it Sgt. Stedenko! 

Richard Dawkins eat your heart out

Next a blithering old man sees a David Cassidy looking dude on TV and starts having a conniption fit all over Cameron Mitchell because he was recognizes him as a Nazi who tortured him during the Holocaust.

Bring us your finest soiled bag of Pizza Hutt bread sticks

Robert Bristol who should've gotten hired as a Partridge family stunt double for Cassidy is a Mr. Olivier, a Nazi demon with cloven hooves and probably Satan incarnate only instead of doing anything terrifying with his powers he seems content to just haunt discos. So to clarify David Cassidy is an immortal vampire or demon Nazi and Cameron and Lawrence must try to defeat him. 

Satan is obviously really Danny Bonaduce in human form, not me

There's nothing more excruciating then an old coot babbling like a doofus, I was very annoyed at Marc Lawrence's performance in this role, he needed a hard slap that's not delivered. The way he prattles on like an idiot kind of reminds me of James Hong getting too cold in the organ transplant facility in Blade Runner.He goes down to a haunted house with spooky purple windows and gets eaten by a big rubber creature which burns a 666 on his stomach. Lawrence wears a Don Post looking shoddy old man mask and later on directed Pigs (aka Daddy's Deadly Darling), which I'm not sure even if they had a lighting technician and looks like it was illuminated by a stray Bic lighter. Oh Yeah, Troma owns the rights to that one as well. 

Cheap lighting and loose morals that's how you move product at Barnes and Noble

It's very weird to see Richard Moll shine as the best actor in this film. Satanists and wackos admire his agnostic book "God is Dead" and start following him like flies on sherbet. One bearded freak with a funny name Mr. Papini (Maurice Grandmaison) won't leave Bull alone and spouts his bargain basement philosophy about God and the Devil. When I saw him in Night Train I thought he was a Manson-type, but now I see here he's almost like the priest played by Dr. Who actor Patrick Troughton only with zero acting ability or presence. 

Dignity, what's that and yes they did pay me in Circus Peanuts

The subject matter is pretty dark  for this crummy film and the budget-less way it's all presented takes away the impact. Everybody meets up at to the disco, Moll, his wife, Cameron Mitchell and even the Satanic Partridge--I guess it's the place to be. Satan sits on weird throne in between two scrawny coked out babes. Mr Olivier, which is not a very sinister name, unless you're afraid of the Shakespearean actor from Marathon Man (come to think of it Marc Lawrence was also in that one which is an odd coincidence).

Every dude in this movie has a 70's hardy boy haircut and a satin jacket like all the garage bands in San Francisco used to for awhile until they all turned into Sons of Anarchy style beardos or drug casualties like Ty Segall.

UGH, Gross I hate Billy Corgan

Claire inexplicably visits a black psychic who keeps referring to himself as a "nigger," OK, that part is totally offensive and uncalled for. I wonder if the script writer, after penning a semi interesting story saw what they did to his screenplay and immediately blew his brains out William H. Macy Boogie Nights style.

The agnostic "God is Dead talk show scene" is intact from Night Train and Bull's hair looks kind of like a male Bride of Frankenstein. There are elements of this film that are fun and I could see why they'd try to salvage it for a compilation anthology but it still all adds up to a tepid brainless very special episode of Tales From The Darkside.

Bob Tilton stole my shit yo!

I like how Mr. Olivier gets pissed off that Bull thinks believing in Satan is just as stupid as belief in God and then is crunched by a demonic force until his eye pops from the socket.

Panini is the worst protector ever, he kind of resembles a homeless Stanley Kubrick. When he gets thrashed by one of Satan's nuns, who sticks her side butt at him, I was overjoyed! They end up giving the immortal Partridge a live autopsy. If there's one way to kill the devil it's through amateur botched surgery am I right? The ending is pretty crazy so stick around for that.

FOR NIGHT TRAIN COMPLETISTS ONLY IF ANY EXIST

Night of a 1000 Cats

Night of a 1000 Cats Directed By Rene Cardona Jr. (1972).

All I know about this Rene Cardona Jr. feline "terror-rama" is that supposedly a bunch of cats were really hurt or killed during the production, which is very sad, someone should've reported him to ASPCA. This is the son of the guy who directed Night of the Bloody Apes and the Mexican Santa Claus and he seems to have a deranged fixation on authentic animal cruelty, there's something mentally wrong with this dude! Cardona Jr. seems to always capitalize on real tragedy with gems like Guyana Cult of the Damned, Survive or squeeze out bad rip offs like Tintorera: The Killer Shark. He's got a couple in the Deep Red catalog and is basically in league with most exploitation directors who've committed crimes without unions, or hurt animals for no reason, just another creep I guess.

Anyway, Hugo Stiglitz is in this one as usual, looking more like a life sized 70's hobo doll than his regular Gene Wilder get up. At first I thought my ears were broken but then I listened again and noticed that the voice that dubbed him is set at the wrong pitch (in fact everyone's voice sounds like a slowed down record), it's hysterical, it reaches that Thurl Ravenscroft (aka Tony The Tiger) baritone! 

The original title was Bloodfeast, I wonder if in the 80's, certain Mexican convenient stores tried to pass this off as the H.G. Lewis classic.

The WOW Network proudly presents "Pussy Pit"

Hugo catches a cat who tries to grab his food off the table and hucks it over a giant chain-link fence into a pit of tons of other furry pals. I'm allergic to this movie already, but it's so silly that I can't turn it off. At one point he drowns a cat and it looks incredibly real, any sensitive viewers don't bother watching this, it's terrible and cruel. I thought in Cyclone (which the son of Cardona also directed had a real dog that gets eaten, but it turned out to be a cleverly disguised fake). What I don't understand is how he was able to get away with this shit, well at least he's not as enamored as the most famous animal torture king Ruggero Deodato!

Hugo (who's character name is Hugo!) shocks his girlfriend by showing her his collection of severed heads in jars. Later on, he kills her and it's insinuated that the wet pile of red slithery meat is her all ground up bite sized. He decides that he should grind people up and feed them to the cats but he could easily just go to the store and buy regular food, man rich people are so cheap!

I gotta get this Gordita meat over to Chuys Mexican restaurant 

Oh yeah I forgot to mention Gorgo (or Borgo, the sound was broken through the entire production), his bald server who does his evil bidding and cooks great! What else could you want in a henchman
right?

The soundtrack is funny it's all jungle drums and non impressive surfy guitar. Hugo flies around in his chopper thinking about his pit of cats. I think they should've played "Cat Scratch Fever," now there's a missed opportunity. He seems like a rich philanthropist but mainly flies around and abducts women. All the girls he picks up are sexy, obviously they are shallow and only care about his riches, never mind that he tortures poor cats. They spend 5 minutes having him do wacky hand signals to a girl in a leotard, which I guess is supposed to be funny. I like how in any language this movie would be stupid and not make any sense.

Looks like I got cat meat in the old pushbroom

Nothing about either title makes any sense because there's no blood and the cats are not really a threat, I would've suggested they call this Hugo-copter instead. It gets to the point where the slow ass voices seem like a prank and I never got used to them, they never failed to give me the giggles though. I'm not sure why this is in the Deep Red catalog, maybe because it's so low grade and dumb it must be seen to confirm how bat shit crazy it is like another "Unwatchable" The Black Devil Doll From Hell. 

THEY SAY A PILE OF SHIT HAS A 1000 EYES, WELL THIS MOVIE IS A PILE OF SHIT!

It's your move Jason Bateman

Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

"Meatcleaver Massacre" (1977, aka "Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre", aka "Morak", aka"Evil Force", aka "Revenge of the Dead")

     Directed by Evan Lee.

     Review by Goat Scrote.

     I’ll be blunt. This movie sucks. It’s disappointing in pretty much every department, and there isn’t a single meat cleaver to be seen during the entire running time. There is virtually nothing that I like about the movie itself. It’s an ugly boring dumb inept unwatchable mess. It's filmed badly, written badly, acted badly, and the blood and monster effects are mostly just awful.

Happy to be here.

     The movie is “hosted” by Christopher Lee, who appears for a few minutes at the beginning and end to give long monologues about the occult. It turns out that this was shot for an entirely different movie which never materialized, so the producers sold their Christopher Lee footage to another company. Lee was very displeased and nearly took the producers of “Meatcleaver Massacre” to court when he found out his name had been attached to this crap.

Jesus sued to have his image removed from the film, too.

     There’s also a rumor swirling around that Edward D. Wood Jr. made an appearance as an actor in the movie. I don’t think he’s actually in there. If you can confirm exactly where he is in the film let us know.

     Professor Cantrell (James Habif) teaches his class about a demon named Morak, “The Destroyer of the Destroyers.” There’s a painting of Morak in action which shows in explicit detail some of the ways that the googly-eyed vengeance-spirit likes to dispatch his victims.

Ouch, I guess I deserved that.

     After class, the Professor angers creepy jerk Mason (Larry Justin). Mason turns out to be a vicious psychopath who somehow convinces his buddies to participate in a home-invasion/mutiple-murder against the Prof and his family. They bash in his head with a candlestick, strangle his son and wife, then stab his daughter. Later, the killers gloat over news reports of their crime. 

I keep my eyeballs inside my three penises.

     The Professor is still alive, but brain damaged, mute, and paralyzed. Somehow in this condition he manages to call up Morak to carry out his revenge. The spirit stalks the killers and dispatches them in uninspired ways. One victim is apparently stabbed to death by an angry yucca plant in the desert. Another guy is about to slash his own wrists, until he realizes he doesn’t have time to commit suicide because he is late for work. That made me laugh, and this joke was the only thing in the entire movie that I liked. I’m assuming it was the on-purpose kind of joke but that may be giving the filmmakers too much credit.

Is there such a thing as exfoliating too much?

     Anyway, Morak shows up for a final confrontation with head psycho Mason. Morak beats him up and tears out one of his eyes. In the end, Mason is locked up in an insane asylum. It turns out his eye isn’t missing at all even though he hallucinates that he is holding it in his hand. Whatever, it’s a bad ending for a bad movie. Christopher Lee shows up again for a final monologue and relates some stories about the supernatural in which he uses the word “abracadabrical”. Wow, I’m glad that’s over.
   Recommendation: Avoid.

Oh Morak, you're so abracadabrical.

"Portrait of the Goat Scrote as a Young Satyr"

Demons 6: De Profundis (1989)

Demons 6: De Profundis (1989, aka “De Profundis”, aka “Demons 6”, aka “Il gatto nero”/“The Black Cat”, aka “Edgar Allan Poe’s the Black Cat”)

Directed by Luigi Cozzi, screenplay by Luigi Cozzi.

Review by Goat Scrote

     This movie was conceived as a sequel to Dario Argento’s “Three Mothers” series, but without Dario Argento. At the time, only “Suspiria” (1977) and “Inferno” (1980) had been made. “The Mother of Tears”, Argento’s closing entry in the trilogy, arrived in 2007. There are a few recognizable parallels between that film and this film. I’ve read that Argento’s companion, collaborator, and baby-mama Daria Nicolodi had uncredited writing input as well. I’m not sure she would want to take any of the blame for this, though, considering how confusing and plain rotten it turned out. It’s not totally devoid of entertainment value but it is pretty idiotic. If you absolutely must see a film by Luigi Cozzi (pseudonym Lewis Coates), check out his trashterpiece “Starcrash” (1978), a hilariously godawful ripoff of “Star Wars” (1977).

Thanks, Luigi, but I can screw up this series all by myself.

     The original title of this film was “De Profundis”, meaning “out of the depths”.  Before release, the distributor re-titled it to make it seem connected to Edgar Allen Poe in some way, and it became “The Black Cat”. It’s also marketed as “Demons 6: De Profundis” but don't be fooled. It's completely unrelated. Of the nine Demons sequels, the only one more boring and impenetrable than "Demons 6" is the execrable "Demons III: The Ogre".

Get that camera out of here! I don't want my title associated with a shitty Cozzi knockoff.

     It gets off to a promising start with an interesting self-referential premise and a few clever touches that overlap reality with fantasy. Things get sillier and sillier, especially in the second half. After much boredom broken up with some special effects, we come around to a confusing, arbitrary, deus ex machina climax with a ridiculous twist lifted directly from HG Lewis’s “The Wizard of Gore” (1970).

     Speaking of gore, there is one good bloody kill which felt like a toned-down Fulci tribute. The monster makeup looks decent and they lather on the slime a few times. The special effects are one of the better things about the movie. Use of colored light and filters, red and green and blue, apes some of the visual style of Argento but the imitation feels flat.

...there is only Zu'ul!

     The soundtrack is full of ‘80s hard rock hits which I’d guess were used without permission — Bang Tango “Someone Like You”, Guns n’ Roses, and others. They also recycle at least one part of the superb Goblin score for “Suspiria”, but I can think of several movies which have done that. The rest of the score would be perfectly fine but the same themes are overused in a very heavy-handed way and it gets repetitive and irritating. (Actually, I guess that makes it a perfect reflection of the movie.)

     I have to get deeply anal retentive for a second here. It’s totally absurd to look for factual accuracy in a horror movie but their treatment of Thomas de Quincey's book of essays “Suspiria de Profundis” (1845) and its content annoys me a thousand different ways. The filmmakers identify Levana, a Roman goddess of childbirth, as one of the recently-invented, fictional Three Mothers of Sorrow. This is not even slightly correct. Levana is a separate, fourth figure in the source material. It's as if Cozzi is trying to set the world record for the largest number of masterpieces puked on simultaneously.

The Fly 3: De Profundis

     “De Profundis” opens on a shot of outer space and a planet which may or may not be our own. The stars are overlaid with a fetus in the womb. This little Kubrick tribute will keep happening periodically and it will never, ever connect back to the rest of the film. We go back down to Earth to a giallo-style murder scene. That turns out to be exactly what it is: A murder scene being filmed for a giallo thriller called “The Black Cat”. Michele Soavi has a cameo playing the director.

I crap better movies than this.

     Main character Anne Ravenna (Florence Guérin) is an actress married to “king of the spaghetti thrillers” Marc Ravenna (Urbano Barberini). You may remember Barberini as the hero in “Demons” (1985) or as Tarl Cabot in the MST3K “Outlaw of Gor” episode. Marc directs Anne in her movies and helped her spawn an infant. This is drawn from the personal histories of Dario Argento and Daria Nicolodi, perhaps mashed together with other figures from Italian cinema.

     Anne’s best friend is another actress, Nora, who is sleeping her way to the top of the Italian film industry. She is played by Caroline Munro, who appears in a whole lot of other movies which are great fun. Whenever she’s on the screen here (which is not very much) she brings things up a notch with her performance as the grasping ultra-bitch Nora.

The Shaving of Caroline Munro

     The characters discuss the movie “Suspiria” and Dario Argento in connection to the latest screenplay they are working on, entitled “De Profundis”. They’re looking for funding for their unofficial Argento sequel from a rich cranky producer in a wheelchair, Leonard Levin (Brett Halsey). Eventually the producer decides to go for it.

     The villain of the film they are making is also the villain in the film we are watching: A witch named Levana. She is a hideous beast. We see her rise from the tomb as the filmmakers describe their movie. Anne is slated to play the villain. The witch doesn’t like the idea of being portrayed on film one bit. She bursts out of a mirror and dribble-vomits green slime all over the actress, screaming that she will never allow them to make the movie. They sure do linger on the puking. Anne wakes up later and it all seems like it was a nightmare.

Nurse, get me a million cc's of Clearasil, stat.

     Another phantom appears in the mirror, a young girl named Sybil (Giada Cozzi) who seems friendly. She eventually explains that she is a fairy. Levana’s arms bursts through the wall and the attack segues into Anne waking up from a nightmare. How many times are we going to do that? (Quite a few more, it turns out.) The witch continues to torment her by playing childish pranks like sliming all over kitchen appliances and putting fireworks in the refrigerator. Reality keeps twisting out from under Anne and she wonders if she is going nuts or what.

A helpful translation.

     A consultant on the occult becomes involved and she insists that they must not use the name Levana or the witch will be summoned. Levana can take over the body of anyone who concentrates on her hard enough. (So why is she trying to stop the movie, then?) Levana also reincarnates according to a set of rules. If she is born as a male, she has to kill a newborn to come into her powers.

     It will eventually turn out that every explanation or rule established in the movie is contradicted by some twist or other later on, or gets dropped and becomes irrelevant to the plot. This is a sure way to frustrate viewers. Eventually it’s impossible to understand (or give a damn) what the witch is really up to.

Venting some spleen.

     Levana takes bloody revenge on the occultist with an explosive, organ-flinging torso blowout. It’s about 47 minutes in and it is the only major highlight of the movie for gore-hounds.

     Sybil the nice fairy appears on TV and claims that both herself and Levana have existed within the actress from the beginning. The television explodes and slimy guts pour out, along with knife. Anne is given a choice, pick it up and become Levana or leave it and remain herself. She picks up the knife and stalks the baby while wearing her character makeup. Marc interrupts so she stabs him. He pulls out the knife and stabs her in return, and they both die. Can you guess what happens next? That’s right, it was another goddamned dream. Cut that out, movie!

WTF ru looking at?

OMG U R pretty!

     When the baby goes missing for real they decide not to call the police even though it’s clearly an abduction. Hand those people a responsible parenting award. “You are not Levana” is neatly written on the wall in red letters. Anne figures out that the movie producer Levin is involved. We travel back to outer space while she shouts “Leviiin!”… what the hell…? I really have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Maybe she's shouting so loud it can be heard in orbit, like a cartoon.

    Marc is giving the Levana role to Nora and planning to leave Anne for the dark-haired temptress. They have tastefully adulterous sheet-covered movie sex. He is unconcerned about the missing child or his wife’s bizarre behavior.

Somebody has the Mondays.

     Anne confronts Mr. Levin with a gun and demands her baby back. Levin is already undead, animated by Levana. Anne figures it’s another dream. (Good guess.) Levin tells her to kill herself to wake up. She shoots him instead until he stops moving. A woman shows up with a knife and Anne shoots her too. The dying woman tells her to go see Nora.

     Nora has the baby. She hands him right over and Anne goes home. Levana is so peeved that she makes the same car explode three times and forces Nora to slit her own throat. At Anne’s place, Levana shakes the house and throws glowing energy around.

The entire movie summed up in one image: Offal.

     The witch seems to have reincarnated in a boy named Willy, but it turns out instead that, I don’t know, some other fucking thing happens and then mumble mumble mumble, what do you want from me? This movie is really confusing. Levana is an undead puke-filled psychic mutant reincarnating witch who is completely all-powerful but posing as a babysitter, or some absurd nonsense like that. 

     The witch shoots her magic wad and Anne seems to explode. Levana’s victory dance doesn’t last long, because Anne is really the one who is all-powerful and she is creating the reality which Levana lives in, not the other way around. Marc shows up and stabs Levana the babysitter in the back. She dies. Really? That's an absolutely moronic way to end a battle between two nigh-omnipotent goddesses.

There's a Tooth Fairy, so why not a Television Fairy?

 
    We go back to outer space, which makes even less sense now than it did at the beginning. Then Anne wakes up again, next to her director husband, in her even-more-perfect life. She talks to the annoying TV-fairy and they pat each other on the back for fixing the whole damn world. Hey, big twist coming everybody, act like you didn’t stop caring long ago. The mind of the witch is in the baby! 

     I’m still not clear on the basic plot question of whether Levana wanted to stop the movie, make the movie, or if the movie production didn’t truly matter at all. I am really irritated at Luigi Cozzi right now, though.

Change me or die screaming!

WATCH HERE IF YOU DARE

A "Demons" Series Overview

THE “DEMONS” SERIES: A 'THEATER OF GUTS' SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

by Goat Scrote

     Only three of the "Demons" films (Italian title “Dèmoni”) are 'real' entries in this (in)famous Italian horror series. They can be identified by their contagious slime-oozing demons and their awesome soundtracks, each one showcasing a completely different style of music. All three of the originals are worthwhile monster movies with plenty of gloopy special effects. They don't work very hard at making sense but they're lots of fun to watch.
     The films were reasonably successful internationally.  Many unrelated Italian horror movies were released or re-released in foreign home-video markets (particularly Japan and the United States) with new titles that placed them within the “Demons” series. At least nine movies have been marketed under the “Demons” flagship at one time or another, including three different flicks vying for the position of 'part 3', in the hopes of milking a few more lira, yen, dollars, and pounds out of an unsuspecting public. None of the pseudo-sequels actually features anything resembling the slime-demons from the original films. With only a couple of exceptions, the phony sequels are erupting volcanos of suck which are not fit for human consumption. This has sown confusion and a not inconsiderable amount of despair throughout the world.

     My sanity is already too far eroded by three decades of watching this kind of shit. That's why, for an especially grueling marathon project like this, we had to test the films on animals. We strapped mutated, schlock-resistant bunny rabbits into the seats in one of the environmentally-sealed theaters at TOG Laboratories, wedged open their little eyelids, and pumped the adorable fuzzy-wuzzies full of our own patented blend of psychotropic drugs. Then we wired their brains to our malevolent super-computer, Proteus. (He starred opposite Julie Christie in the 1977 film "Demon Seed", which is not the first “Dèmoni” film no matter what Proteus claims.) Proteus collated the results of the bunnies suffering to produce the following list. For you. We did it all for you. To prove that our love for you isn't 'weird' like you keep saying.

     Please observe a moment of silence and perhaps offer a prayer (to Satan, of course) on behalf of all the innocent bunnies killed or driven hopelessly mad by these films. Let us also remember all those brave humanoid explorers before us who made the mistake of delving into the murky depths of the “Dèmoni” series and never returned. We've already discussed my eroded sanity, right?
     Okay, on with the list. The movies are placed based on the position they hold in the series and/or wherever I felt like putting them. That means the pseudo-sequels are presented roughly in the order that they were re-released as a “Demons” movie, not in order of original release dates. Multiple authors are presented in alphabetical order. In these summaries I have tried to avoid any major spoilers.  If you want plot details, each of the movies has been (or soon will be) given the full review treatment here on Theater of Guts. A little internet searching will turn up the majority of them streaming for free under one of their many titles.
     There is an official authorized comic book sequel to the films which has been published, titled "Demons 3". I haven't read it but I am intrigued. Apparently it is a prequel telling a story involving Nostradamus and the demons.

The Originals

“Dèmoni” / ”Demons” (1985)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 80%
    Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.

     Music: METAL.  \m/

     Murderous demons possess and terrorize the audience in a movie theater. The victims are lured in by a creepy metal-masked host played by Michele Soavi, who would later direct the third film. Anyone who gets scratched becomes possessed and physically transforms into a monster. Plenty of slime and chaos. Pus spurts all over the place. One of the demons bursts open to release an even more awful demon. The hero fights back with a samurai sword while riding a dirt-bike through the theater. A helicopter crashes through the roof at exactly the right moment for no goddamned reason whatsoever. And yes, there is an eye impalement. You bet your ass this is highly recommended.

“Dèmoni 2… L’Incubo Ritorna” / ”Demons 2” (1986)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 70%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.

     Music: 80's post-punk / New Wave

     Also known as ”Demons 2: The Nightmare Returns”, which is the literal translation of the Italian title. There's a bit of wordplay that doesn't translate into English. The Italian word for nightmare (“incubo”) comes from the name of a type of demon which was thought to create night-terrors.

     A demon comes out of a television to slaughter and infect the residents of an apartment complex. Most of the effects are solid and well-conceived but the demon-dog and a few other bits are entertainingly bad, more goofy than gross. It doesn't have the same off-the-wall, anything-goes energy as the first movie but there are plenty of demons and buckets of green ooze. The film ends with a disappointing anticlimax that was lethal to a number of the test rabbits. (I wish they had gone with the super-gory ending rumored to have been in the original script, with a demon-possessed fetus that would have ripped its way out of its mother.) Recommended, although not quite as highly as the first and third movies.

“La Chiesa” / ”The Church” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 85%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.

     Produced by Dario Argento.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Michele Soavi.

     Music: Modern classical / Prog rock / “New Age”

     Michele Soavi takes on directorial duties for the third movie. The demons ooze their way into our world again, inside a cathedral built to contain the site of an ancient outbreak. Slimy bloody mayhem ensues. A cool goat-headed boss demon, Rube-Goldberg-style deathtraps, and demon sex bring additional flair to the proceedings. The giant beast rising through the floor of the cathedral, made out of the writhing bodies of the possessed clinging to one another, is prime nightmare fuel. Highly recommended – my personal favorite of the originals.

     Some of the bunnies exploded during the demon-on-human sex scenes. I don't think that should count, but Proteus says that my thumbs-up reaction to soft-core monster porno is abnormal. He claims my perspective has been warped by years of mining video stores and the internet for the weirdest things I can find. Personally I think Proteus just feels threatened because demons are his biggest competitors in the field of unnatural human impregnation.

The Pseudo-Sequels

DEMONS 3-B

“Dèmoni 3” / ”Black Demons” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 30%

     Directed by Umberto Lenzi.

     Produced by Giuseppe Gargiulo.

     Screenplay by Olga Pehar.

     Director Umberto Lenzi is best known to gore fans for the iconic “Cannibal Ferox” (1981). “Dèmoni 3” bears several distinctions among the 'fake' sequels. For one thing, it was released with a “Dèmoni” sequel title from the beginning despite being a zombie movie. They were openly cashing in on the “Demons” series right from the start. Even though a third movie (“The Church”) already existed, there wasn't a movie actually titled “Demons 3”, so that left the market open. This one doesn't have any writing, directing, or production staff in common with the original three. I can respect the deliciously exploitative shamelessness of it all, but unfortunately it's not a very watchable movie.

     Vengeful voodoo-style zombies kill a few tourists after one of them plays a tape recording of a Macumba religious ritual in an old slave-plantation graveyard. They linger on the gore from time to time, but a couple of gruesome meathook eyeball-gouges can't save this one. Unless you really must see every Italian zombie movie ever made, you should flee in the other direction if you see this movie coming. Whatever you do, don't look back because it might be gaining on you.

DEMONS 3-C

"La casa dell'orco" / “Demons III: The Ogre” (1988)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 20%

     Directed by Lamberto Bava

     Produced by Massimo Manasse, Marco Grillo Spina.

     Screenplay by Lamberto Bava, Dardano Sacchetti.

     A silly made-for-TV movie by the director of the first two “Demons” films. Also known as “House of the Ogre” (the literal translation of the Italian title) or “The Ogre: Demons 3”. It was also released as "Ghost House II". "Ghosthouse", the first one, was directed by exploitation-master Umberto Lenzi and that movie was also called "La Casa 3". "Evil Dead 2" was marketed in Italy as "La Casa 2".  In other words, "The Ogre" has also been marketed as a fake sequel ("Ghost House 2") to a series which sprang from a fake sequel to the "Evil Dead" series ("La Casa 3"), the latter fake sequel (aka "Ghosthouse") having been made by a guy who also made a fake sequel ("Dèmoni 3") to a series created by the guy who made the former fake sequel (aka "Demons III: The Ogre").
     You follow that? Yeah, me neither.
     That is why we require the assistance of a supercomputer.

     The movie tells the story of a magical ogre with a sexual fetish for orchids, and the family vacation which he ruins. It's got a few nice visuals but it's even dumber than it sounds, has hardly any blood, and very little nudity or sexuality despite the racy premise. The characters are unlikeable and the monster is dull. The most interesting thing about it is the layer upon layer of deceptive marketing used to sell it. Most of the bunnies died of sheer boredom, and the survivors were driven mad with outrage by the lame ending. Avoid.

DEMONS 4

“La Setta” / “The Sect” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 60%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.

     Produced by Dario Argento, Mario Cecchi Gori, Vittorio Cecchi Gori, Andrea Tinnirello.

     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.

     Also known as “The Devil's Daughter” and “Demons IV: The Sect”. This is the only pseudo-sequel also connected to Dario Argento. I like this movie. Not quite as entertaining as any of the original three “Demons” films but firmly in second place among the faux-sequels. It's pretty to look at, and maintains an oppressive dreamlike atmosphere.

     A young school-teacher's life swirls down the drain when she moves into a house over a watery Hellmouth and she is targeted to be the mother of the Evil One's baby. A convoluted story involves a worldwide network of cultists, a prehistoric species of Satanic brain-eating insect, an innocent-looking possessed rabbit, and slimy blue worms crawling through the plumbing. A woman gets her face ripped off with hooks during a black magic ritual. A deadly handkerchief/death-shroud kills a couple of victims, which sounds dumb on paper but is actually quite creepy and reminded me of a similar element in “Drag Me To Hell” (2009). Recommended, although I think the bunny test may have been biased because of the prominent role of the devil-rabbit, who racks up a couple of human kills along the way.

DEMONS 5

“La maschera del demonio” / “The Mask of the Demon” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 50%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.

     Produced by Lamberto Bava, Renato Camarda, Federico Llano, Andrea Piazzesi.

     Screenplay by Massimo De Rita, Giorgio Stegani.

     Also released as “Demons 5: The Devil's Veil”. Director Lamberto Bava tells a tale inspired by his father Mario Bava's “Black Sunday” (1960) and Nikolai Gogol's short story “The Viy” (1835). It draws a great deal of imagery from both sources but goes off in its own direction. This is another movie that Bava made working in Italian TV, but it is superior in every way to “Demons III: The Ogre”.

     A dead witch imprisoned by an iron mask seeks resurrection through spiritual possession of a group of skiers in the Alps. She turns into a series of nasty, foul-looking creatures while trying to devirginate the hero... monster porn raises its ugly head once more. Very little blood but there are some nice visuals and the final half has some entertaining monster effects. There's even a bit of slime here and there. Slightly recommended.

DEMONS 6

“Il gatto nero” / “The Black Cat” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 25%
     Directed by Luigi Cozzi.

     Produced by Lucio Lucidi.

     Screenplay by Luigi Cozzi.

     Also known as “Demons 6: De Profundis”, originally just called “De Profundis”, meaning “From The Depths”. Reportedly, Daria Nicolodi was also involved with the writing. This was Cozzi's version of the conclusion to Argento's “Three Mothers” series ("Suspiria", "Inferno"), making it yet another instance of an unofficial entry into two different Italian film series. It was also re-titled for its initial release to make it seem like it had a link to Edgar Allen Poe. (It doesn't.) Cozzi's “Starcrash” (1978) is one of my favorite bad movies, but I dislike this one quite a bit.

     Levana, an undead genetic-mutant psychic witch tries to return to life through a movie production which features her as a villain. The witch torments the star of the production and stalks her infant child. The murky annoying story careens to a dreadful, disappointing ending. Cozzi tries to copy elements of Argento's style from "Suspiria", but mostly it doesn't work. Really quite terrible. Avoid.

DEMONS '95

“Dellamorte Dellamore” / “Cemetery Man” (1994)

     Directed by Michele Soavi

     Produced by Conchita Airoldi, Heinz Bibo, Tilde Corsi, Dino Di Donisio, Michèle Ray-Gavras, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.

     Screenplay by Giovanni Romoli.

     It's smart, macabre, gory, surreal, unpredictable, and it has a wicked sense of humor. This is the best movie on this list, bar none, and a standout among Italian horror movies in general. Has anyone ever seriously referred to it as “Demons '95”? Apparently so. The original Italian title contains rhyming wordplay, literally translating to 'Of death, of love' or 'Of death and love'. It's based on a novel by Tiziano Sclavi, author of the “Dylan Dog” comics.

     The corpses in Buffalora's town cemetery always rise a few days after burial. A gravedigger named Dellamorte and his assistant must kill their returning clients a second time, because it's easier than filling out the paperwork to report the mysterious problem to the town bureaucracy. Then things get weird.
     Highly recommended. The bunnies all died, but they spontaneously returned a few days later. Proteus and I disagreed about how to score this so I unplugged him and won the argument.

     Bunny Survival Rate: 100% undead goodness!