Tanya's Island

Tanya's Island (Beast of Love, The Pristine Island). Directed By Alfred Sole, starring D.D. Winters aka Vanity (1980).

For some reason this very scandalous film never shows up online, but since it's here, I figured I'd capture the elusive bastard before it disappears into the void. I never cared to order it back in the bootleg days, because I already had a copy of that Vanity Playboy. Tanya doesn't have much going for it, unless you really like Prince protege Vanity or apes. It's kind of a downer that both of them are current drug casualties, 6 feet below taking dirt naps.

In my review for Mistress of the Apes, another monkey love tale, I said Rob Bottin and Rick Baker returned a year later for this outing. In that decade they were the go-to chimp experts until Joe Dante had them sluicing around in werewolf spittle. You may think "this one can't be worse than a Larry Buchanan movie" I'm not sure myself, but I'm going to dive head first into this pit of Cro-Magnon feces and banana peels and see what happens--join me won't you?

Vanity bares it all, maybe a little too much--I mean the credits float by over her hairy vagina ("Vagina", which according to Les Fabian Brathwaite of out.com was Prince's dubbed pseudonym for her before she dropped that misogynistic bullshit and went with her famous nom de plume).

Sorry Charlie only grade A Tuna, I'm the catch of the day

The Deep Red catalog is such a rich tapestry of fascinating titles, as far as I can tell the only reason this "erotic" bestiality tale is included is because of the Alfred "Alice Sweet Alice" Sole connection or the aforementioned Rob Bottin. There were a lot of D'Amato "adults only" titles that pervs would order who couldn't be bothered to throw on their raincoats and masturbate in public at a dingy theater or rent them at their local porn video shack. I was just mentioning to Goat how Joey D is one of the most creative and original porn directors out there, I mean there's gore, a decent storyline the most offensive part is the actual sex (well lets strike that and say the snuff is more vile, since we're not dealing with an ordinary filmmaker).

mustache rides by appointment only

So already here we've got an abusive boyfriend named Lobo played by Richard not Dick Sargent, I was dying when I saw that! They establish all this taboo beast assaulting ladies kind of racist bullshit early on by showing clips of Mighty Joe Young. Also Vanity strutting around half naked in a daze by spear holding savages. 8 minutes in, I'm already scratching my head in confusion (don't worry I'm not transforming into an orangutan).

Oh shit, I need to come down, hand me a bunch of Vs and a cold orange

I gotta say the cinematography by Mark Irwin is pretty sweet, if only it wasn't wasted on a dopey flick like this! This is a Canadian production and Irwin worked for Cronenberg a few times so its not too outlandish.We see Tanya's hershey chocolate areola's and merkin so much you might think she's a poor man's Laura Gemser (just check out the poster above for more clues). I'm just getting a Blue Lagoon vibe as opposed to a jungle misadventure vibe from this flick for some reason. I kind of hope they run into Mark "Warty Balls" Shannon--you know a movie sucks when you wish you turned on a Joey D "Cat Island" flick instead.

I sure hope they have topical ball rash cream on the mainland

So Lobo (Sargent) and Tanya (Vanity) miraculously appear on a tropical island, nope no set up or reason--why would you need one? The boyfriend character is a major dick (or a total Richard)! He's abusive and just plain weird, his idea of a funny joke is stuffing his ears and nose with toilet paper and then popping up out of the sand at the precise moment to piss her off.

The only Corona commercial that causes STDs

She ventures down into a cave where the humongous baboon emerges from and even later on gets all dolled up for him. She looks like one of those babes on a 60's lounge record and calls her new animal pal Blue because of his sparkling peepers. Don McLeod who wore the costume was also the ape who raped Clarence Beeks from Trading Places while Al Franken and Tom Davis encouraged that vicious assault. To be fair, they didn't know it was a human in a gorilla costume.

This isn't working out, you're too clingy

There's an underlying message of white male inadequacy against a powerful sexual beast that makes this more of a fetish film. If this flick wasn't so moronic I would say it's trying to be racist or hateful. Lobo is obviously jealous of the creature because he can't satisfy Tanya and locks him in a bamboo cage. Be warned, this movie might cause you to become stupider and lower your sperm count. 
I feel as if my brain is . . . Yuck I need to lie down. Tune in next time, I have to recuperate now.


DON'T BOTHER! CAUSES BRAIN HEMORAGES

Murder Obsession (1981)

Murder Obsession (1981, aka Murder Syndrome, aka Satan’s Altar, aka The Wailing, aka Fear, aka Follia Omicida)
Directed by Riccardo Freda, written by Antonio Cesare Corti, Riccardo Freda, Fabio Piccioni.

 Review By Goat Scrote

     It’s got mystery and death and sleaze but it may be slightly dishonest to call this movie a “thriller” since it’s really pretty boring. On the bright side there’s more than the usual amount of soft-core Euro-sex and a whole lot of exposed breasts. The special effects are about on the same level as a school play so that was kind of funny. Paper mache is a ludicrously ineffective yet shrewdly economical way to do gore effects, so I'm guessing budget was a big factor here. And scares? Don’t be silly, I’m pretty sure this is more about the boobies than the blood.

OUCH! Watch out for titty splinters

     The version I saw seems to have been patched together from mismatched prints, with most of it dubbed in English and other portions reverting to the original dialogue. Even without subtitles it’s an easy plot to follow for sophisticated professional reviewers like us, but it might be a little daunting for the general public. Let’s see… A bunch of victims-to-be stay at an isolated location and start getting killed off one by one. Hmm, not so daunting.

     Is it the crazy film star with a history of homicide, or is something even more sinister and twisted going on? What the hell, throw in some sleazy sex and black magic sandwiched between the mammaries and we got us a flicker-show here.

      The movie starts off with a fellow dressed like a gay leather bar clone from the 70s (Stefano Patrizi) attacking a beautiful woman (Laura Gemser, of the “Emanuelle” series). He tears off her clothes while he strangles her. It turns out to be a movie set and the guy just got a little carried away with his method acting. I bet Pacino and Hoffman have almost killed people bunches of times on-set.

     Michael, the crazed actor, goes on a trip to go see his mother Glenda (Anita Strindberg) and brings his girl, Debbie (Silvia Dionisio) out to his Ma’s big estate out in the middle of nowhere. The creepy caretaker Oliver (John Richardson) shows them to their rooms in the dark mansion. Mother comes to Michael’s room and kisses him just a little too passionately. Mom acts like a jealous girlfriend when she meets Debbie.

She's calculating the measurements for the Troll 2 costumes in her head

     Later a group of Michael’s moviemaking friends show up for the weekend to provide a roster of shallow disposable victims. Overnight there’s an invisible ghostly intruder.  Lots of gothic ghost-story images appear but the supernatural elements are just sort of a vague mish-mash throughout the movie. I’d call it “surreal” but a more precise description in this case is “doesn’t make too much goddamned sense”.

that purple bedspread just screams surrealistic GIALLO!

     Debbie is nearly drowned during her bath by a gloved assailant. The soundtrack turns into the worst John Cage impression ever, like someone beating the bujeezus out of a piano keyboard with a baseball bat. I am really bored, but there’s another hour to go, but things are about to get slightly better for a while.

     Debbie has a dream of being stalked by monsters while her breasts flop around under her flimsy robe. Fake bats and bleeding paper mache skulls show up. Her whole “scary dream” is definitely the best part of the movie. Debbie ends up in some weird ritual bondage situation where (surprise) she’s stripped to the waist by gooey-faced monsters dressed like monks. They slaughter a chicken and make her drink its blood as part of a black magic ritual. A giant spider-puppet appears and starts feeling her up rather lewdly. Yeah, I’d say that’s a good place to wake yourself up, Debbie.

NO! Debbie stay asleep it's just getting good!

     Later Michael reveals to his friends that when he was a child he murdered his father to protect his mother from being beaten. There’s been an attempted homicide and  Michael is acting pretty weird but everybody seems pretty cool with that. Beryl, the actress whom he tried to kill during filming lets Michael feel her up and they have sex out in the forest. Meanwhile the photographer of the group takes pictures from the bushes.

The real truth about Bosley hair transplants

     When Michael wakes up after the sex picnic, his co-star has been slashed to death with a pocket knife. The peeping photographer is dispatched with a hatchet before he can call the police, Later one of the other friends decides to develop the film in the abandoned camera to see if there are any clues. Fortunately, the mansion has a fully-equipped darkroom in the attic. Unfortunately, there is a killer in the house who absolutely doesn’t want those photos revealed.

Pervy the magical rape spider

     Michael believes that he is killing people without knowing it, but his mother insists that Oliver is actually responsible. There are shocking revelations about Michael and his family. Several different versions of the backstory are told before the end. Oliver the groundskeeper commits suicide. Thankfully he has the presence of mind to leave behind a tape recording which finally fills in the truth.

My parents forced me into this movie

     The upshot is that mom is super-evil and way into black magic. She killed her husband then immediately started warping her son’s mind to believe he was responsible. Poor Oliver became her ensorcelled nookie slave. Mom thinks her husband’s soul has transmigrated into the son’s body, and she tries to get it on with Michael. He flees downstairs to the black-magic S&M dungeon from Debbie’s dream, but mom follows and stabs him. Debbie shows up in the basement, and finds son splayed across mother’s lap, bleeding and crying out for help. It’s a feel-good ending, really. Motherhood triumphs over all obstacles!

Black Cobra (Eva Nera)

Black Cobra (Eva Nero, Emanuelle Goes Japanese,Erotic Eva) Directed By Joe D'Amato 1976

All aboard this Chinese/Italian manicotti barge stuffed with broken nails, shrapnel and wasted talent. I went in with zero expectations so I wasn't pissed off or anything, just alittle confused and annoyed. Bruno Mattei is the editor (never a name I can rely on) and Piero Umiliani (the Mah nam ah Nah guy) did the score, but nothing could elevate this beyond a dull soft-core flick with a dash of revenge thrown in. 
   Skunkape has a degree in Joe-D'Amato-nomics and is an expert on all things Emanuelle. I'm pretty sure he's watched every sequel at least three times in a row and digs the hell out of all of them. And if you're thinking this is a snake bestiality movie then surprisingly--that is for D'Amato--this time you're dead wrong! 

Please don't frighten my trouser snake, It was just in the pool 

   Laura Gemser, the Indonesian seductress basically plays herself in every film. You know what you're getting into when you fire up a Joey D flick! This time however snuff films are not used as a masturbatory device, George Eastman is nowhere to be found and there's no cannibals or drug smuggling, only sexy Emmanuelle gyrating around with serpents. 

Meh, I've seen bigger

   Sound exciting? 
   Well if that's your bag then look out, because you also get Jack Palance as a collector of exotic snakes. This is Gemser's third unofficial Emanuelle film after replacing the white one (Sylvia Kristel) when she starred in Black Emanulle (even though she's Asian). The series didn't hit those taboos exploitation fans have come to rely on just yet. Gabrielle Tinti (Gemser's real husband) plays Jack Palance's brother. The last time I saw Gemser and Tinti was in the superior Massacre in a Women's Prison, he played Crazy Boy Henderson. 

I know there's a language barrier, but this is definitely not a suppository

   Palance is in full "Believe or Not" mode and like almost everyone in this film just brings whatever he has to the table, zero acting ability, only spit, grit and presence. 

Jack Palance plays Judas a rich playboy lizard collector who's infatuated with Eva (or Emmanuelle) and tries to get in her pants anyway he can, but has no game at all. The rugged square jawed Oscar winner was great in The Mercenary (with Tony Musante), and spent a lot of time over in Italy early in his career doing various Spaghetti Wests and Poliziotteschis. He's not above appearing in schlock, which I respect and later on he appeared in one of my favorite proto-slasher's Alone In The Dark as an escaped lunatic who brings a handgun to a punk concert.  
   While all the men try to figure out how to sleep with her, Eva is busy at her job on the beaver patrol (or having lesbian sex in massage parlors). 

this will help cut down our water bill

   For late night Skin-A-Max fare this one is totally phoning it in, there's none of the depraved shit we've all come to expect from joltin Joe D'Amato. Eva hops in the shower with one blonde and they wash each other's bikini zones (if I was twelve this would've made my weekend). Then immediately after they feed a live mouse to a snake and it ingests the poor specimen lickity split (this is the most depraved the film gets, sorry to say).

   Jules (Gabrielle Tinti) gets jealous enough to sick his brother's green mamba on Eva's lover and she dies from the bite. Everything about this film is all cheesecake and depravity handled with kid gloves, maybe they toned it down because a big time actor was on set, who knows? Snakes are used as weapons in this film, which is pretty cool, but it's not enough to recommend it. After a long career of baring it all for the cameras, Laura became a costume designer for D'Amato and Claudio Fragasso (she dressed up the Nilbogs) and as far as I know fell into obscurity. She will forever be immortalized in her role as Joe D'Amato's ingenue for his cathartic perversions, a down and dirty bisexual journalist who made the exploitation film genre a little more shocking.   

NOT UP TO SNUFF WITH THE USUAL GEMSER/ D'AMATO PRODUCTIONS, SKIP IT!

     

Ti tian xing dao: Sha xiong AKA/ Brother of Darkness (1994) d/ Hin Sing Tang

Brother Of Darkness (Ti Tian xing dao: Sha xiong) Directed By Billy Tang, Starring Lily Chung (1994).

Review By B.W. Head Honcho over at WOPSLOITATION.

Ciao, Theatergoers and proponents of entrails alike, I'll be your guest reviewer for the evening. It's safe to say that Alan Alda didn't write the screenplay for this 1994 Cat III Hong Kong sickie. For those of you unfamiliar with the Category III rating, no one under eighteen is admitted, whether they've got a parent or guardian present or not, much like the American early eighties parallel with the same rating (stricter yet, with a seventeen age restriction that I never once listened to, for the record) preserved for movies like Dawn of the Dead(1979), Maniac!(1980), and Fulci's Zombie(1980). Tonight's review is an unsettling little slice of domestic abuse from the man who brought you things like Red To Kill and Dr. Lamb. It kinda unfolds like this...

This guy's smoother than 20 grit sandpaper.

At the outset, Wong Kuen To (Hugo Ng) is slumped dead, having been brutally beaten and wearing a television set hat to boot, as his brother Kuen Wah (Ka Kui-Ho) is led off in shackles by the authorities. At his trial, Kuen Wah relates stories of his childhood to the jury that could possibly justify his homicidal outburst in some people's minds...As a young boy adopted into the family, Wah gets treated like a wet food stamp on a fairly regular basis by To, who's in and out of jail and manhandling his wife (Pu Kei-Chan) like a receptacle for his throat yogurt in front of their terrified, elderly parents when he isn't kneeing his younger brother in the hangbag or chucking him out a second story window into a back alley full of trash. This guy makes Krug Stillo look like Dick Van Patten.

"Pouuuur the wiiiine, liiiight the fiiiire, girl, your wish is my commaaaaaaand..."

Years pass, Wah has grown into a polite and gracious young man, a tae kwon do practitioner with a sweet lil' piece of arm candy named Jenny (Lily Chung), while To is still an intolerable dick-in-the-face to any and all who make his acquaintance, stealing beer, holding his own mother hostage at table leg-point for drugs, booze, and brothel funds, putting cigarettes out on his son's back, and we've already seen that it's no bed of roses for his wife, either, and nothing remotely resembling a pleasure cruise. To make matters worse, To's earlier kneeing has forced Wah to add two wah's in bedroom matters (as in wah wah wahhhh, you're impotent, baby!), leaving a frustrated Jenny as the next meal for To's hungry organ. Yeah, where's that television set hat, this guy's begging to be fitted.

"Where's the stick, mama? Who's got the stick? You want the stick???"

There's verbal abuse, beatings, torture, violence, misogyny, and softcore sex abound here, and with unintentionally hilarious subtitle translations like "My organ must eat something!" and "Let me touch your nibbles.", it all makes for a pretty bizarre viewing, like the Hong Kong version of Farrah Fawcett's Burning Bed on P.C.P. Some of you jaded Cat III fanatics may find it weak in comparison to some of the director's other work in the genre, but it's still moderately mean-spirited and nasty, at any rate. I found it engaging enough, like passing a twisted wreck on the highway, to lay three of my trademark Wops on it. Check it out if you've got the guts!

You know what this look is missing? If you said "television set hat", give yourselves five points.

Evil Come, Evil Go

Evil come Evil Go Directed By Walter Davis, Starring Cleo O'Hara (1972).

There's nothing more lurid and entertaining as when the porn industry decides to delve into the horror circuit. Bob Chinn, the inspiration for Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights joins the ranks of Roberta Findlay, Ray Dennis Steckler, Ed Wood and Harry Reems in Demented. Chinn was the producer of this film and even brought along his main studhorse, Johnny Holmes as the A.D. and rotten inept special effects guy. 
   On the recent Vinegar Syndrome Special Edition, they mention how Chinn came up with the idea for the script over a raw hamburger he received from a dingy restaurant.

   A psychotic redheaded vixen is just like "The Blues Brothers", on a mission from God to decimate the entire male populace for the crime of lust (well the first part is like the bungling Belushi/Ackroyd duo at least). 

Hey Yawl, Paula Dean in her salad days

   We see flashes of exposed organs covered in syrupy blood from her first victim, as the soundtrack plays corny banjo music and then her maudlin theme song, as she strolls along the beach. Don't Evangelicals have all the fun?

   Sister Jane Butler (O'Hara) seems to hop into bed only to jab a switchblade into your back at the moment of climax. Her second victim has some choice dialogue saying  "Gimme head, that way your mouth is full, so I don't have to hear your yackin"

I want a Bean Feast and a Snozberry !

 The actress who plays the title character looks like a rundown version of Tina Louise.

She brings out an accordion and plays for pocket change among the scuzzy streets. Her message "God is love, not Sex" is about as logical as the Westburo Baptist Church.

   She meets a girl at a hotdog stand who's also a religious nut that takes her in off the street and gives her a place to stay.

Rejected album cover for TAD's 8-way Santa

   The poor dope is so gullible that she submits to her warped religious mission and even bows to her as if she's her new personal savior!

   Sara strips the zaftig girl naked and elects her as bait, just how "The Children Of God" used to practice with flirty fishing, only this time leading drunks in bars down the path toward the slice of the knife.

I apologize profusely for my penis, madam 

   They interrupt a picnic sex scene with people that have the kind of bodies that would fit in an early John Waters film, I mean really fucking hairy, thankfully though, the sex is strictly softcore.

Eugene Levy can dig it, you don't want to see him ball

   Sara jane's sex helper Penny (Sandra Henderson) is vampish with a giant bush and the clowns she screws are hideous. But it's all part of the divine plan to eradicate the male species, so of course she's on board.

   There's heavy amounts of room tone that I'm hoping Vinegar Syndrome erased from the print (a prestigious copy was not sent over to the TOG headquarters).
   
   It turns out the vamp even sells out her former girlfriend and there's a lesbian sex/ suffocation scene. The film abruptly ends at a picnic, maybe they ran out of money? 

   I must admit, I like Walt Davis' style of ugly people in hideous settings splashed with the cheapest special effects available and up until this film had never heard of him. I tend to skip Something Weird softcore like Deep Jaws or The Dicktator, because I usually want to be able to live with myself the next day, but who knows I may check out more stuff by this schlocky director. 
Lots of Fun, Highly Recommended!

BUY HERE

She's 19 and Ready aka Sunnyboy un Sugarbaby

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Franz Josef Gottlieb (1979)

 Back in the 80s every Sunday's newspaper would have a TV schedule and in the back there would be a list of movies with brief summaries. My weekly ritual would be scouring this section for films rated AO, adults only, these were the films of late night that would've come on Cinemax, Showtime and the Movie Channel. Not HBO though, they suck. One weekend a friend of mine spent the night and we stayed up late and hit pay dirt with the Movie Channel presentation of She's 19 and Ready, so was she ready, are you? Let's find out!

"Give me some Sugar Baby."

"Say, you're better than a St. Bernard!"

The "She" in this film is Eva, a happy-go-lucky gal on a ski trip with her so called boyfriend Claus but there is another skier at the resort named Stefan that has his eye on Eva. Stefan fakes a sprained ankle to get her alone for a little fooling around. Now we have a love triangle of epic proportions. Claus and Stefan come so close to sealing the deal with her but always find a way to cock block each other at every turn. In one situation they all wind up in bed together and she even tells them because she can't make up her mind she'll just have to have both of them. The next morning I was under the false pretense that finally everybody had a little bit of fun, but as it turns out the boys just can't share and wake up pissed off with a case of blue balls.

"Sorry Eva, we won't cross the streams."

Time now for the real adventure to begin! Eva receives a phone call from her sister Britta that their uncle Jack has passed away and has left them a taxi service in Japan and restaurants in Manila. Eva and her horny boy toys go to Japan while her sister goes to Manila. Excited about this so called new found wealth they party like rock stars to celebrate! and even get to see the German "Abba" Dschinghis Khan performing none other than their hit song Dschinghis Khan. When they finally check out the taxi business they come to realize it's nothing more than a bunch of old bums with rickshaws and her uncle actually owes them money. The only dude that speaks English takes Eva's passport and tells her she won't get it back until she pays the debt. Things aren't any better in Manila, even though Britta is hooking up with the local lover boy the restaurants are a sham too. Gee, uncle Jack sure was an asshole.

"Play  Moskau the rap version!"

  After selling the last of their valuables they gamble trying to win the money they'll need to pay the so-called taxi service. They lose! But a certain rich fatty has a queer eye for the straight guy, Claus. Fatty has two lovely ladies that are his assistants make a $3000 deal with Stefan that he'll gets to spend the night with Claus.It's all a big mix up and Stefan thinks the girls want to pay him and his buddy for sex. They take the money and go to the meeting place where they think they're going to have the time of their life but realize that they're going to be corn holed by a Japanese Jabba the Hutt. Here's where karma begins to pay off. A child beggar who they have been helping out on their trip follows them around and he storms the place with his friend. They beat the shit out of Fatty's bodyguards so they can all escape.It was like watching two "Short Rounds"( from Temple of Doom, but you knew that) in action in a Benny Hill episode. They all meet up and head to Manila where they learn that the restaurants are just a bunch of food carts. While in Manila Eva almost gets raped by that Latin lover, Claus and Stefan have competitions, battling  for her love and despite being "19 and ready" she still remains untouched.

Losing!

"Who will be on top?"

"Say hello to our little Japanese friend!"

"I just want to be loved, is that so wrong!"

She's 19 and Ready is a fun time capsule, a 1979 sex comedy from Germany actually titled Sunnyboy and Sugarbaby but there are three characters so who is actually the Sunnyboy in the film. The Gerhard Heinz soundtrack is also awesome. and while in Japan it showcases  Come and See Hong Kong and when in Manila we are treated to the romantic Manila Sunrise but the song that stuck with me my whole life was the reoccurring theme Be My Lover song by Sandy Lee(it never leaves your head). Some music is recycled from Jess Franco's Bloody Moon which is pretty sweet.. It used to make me sad  thinking I would never hear this epic music ever again but out of nowhere JMP Music has released a five Volume collection of Gerhard Heinz that you can now download!!!  

 "She's 19 and Ready" OST tracks from Amazon

Gerhard Heinz Vol. 1,2,3

Gerhard Heinz Vol. 4,5

These are no longer available here but contact JMP Music through their YT page
JMP

Yup, another Cold shower, :(

Good Times!

7/10 On the CULT-O-METER
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If you love Wild Times and Hot Sex

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She's 19 and Ready!

Erotic Ghost Story

Erotic Ghost Story (Liao zhai yan tan) Directed by Lam Ngai Kai (or Ngai Choi Lam), starring Amy Yip (1987).

This is the 4th film that we've tackled by this prolific film maker (along with Her Vengeance, The Seventh Curse and his last film The Cat). No one has reviewed the sublimely, yet overly discussed Story Of Ricky only because it's such a wildly known gore masterpiece. Lam cut his filmic path moving up in the ranks of the Shaw Brothers studios and then churning out some of the best known Golden Harvest flicks working closely with TOG favorite Jing Wong. He uses many pseudonyms to stay off the radar, but is an extremely talented and underrated director. This is his tamest film, but if you can appreciate the female form and want to see an Eastern take on The Witches Of Eastwick, it's not terrible, just a little dull. 

Duhh..... brain fart

   A village full of boob-a-holics in satin pajamas get swindled by a sexy ghost witch and her beautiful sisters. As the men try to clutch onto the women's titties like giant babies they are met with a serious case of accidental necrophilia, because the young ladies have the strange cloaking ability to turn themselves into rotting corpses, if they are about to be sexually assaulted! How's that for self defense!

corpses that cry ranch dressing

   The sisters visit a fertility statue with a circle of ghastly faces named Wu Tung (or Wu Tang in some versions)! One girl is followed by an accusatory taoist priest dressed in green, he's not out of line for criticizing her, because she is a fairy fox spirit hiding in human form and they soon battle each other with cartoonish laser beams. 

Don't cross the pastel bronie streams

   There is a 36 day pact between the sisters to become human and they fear that the evil lord Wu Tang will try and disrupt the process. Unless you're a lesbian or a raging pervert with a wicked case of yellow fever, there's not much entertainment value. We get to see Amy Yip's giant hooters (but then I can always watch Robotrix again, that movie never gets old)! 

   It's hard to believe this is the same director as Story Of Ricky and Seventh Curse, I'm grateful he threw in some nudity, but sad that there are zero monster babies or full force punches that mush in skulls. He must've wanted to get this period piece out of his system (it comes off high and low brow simultaneously). The soft-core scenes teeter on the edge of explicit, but are still more reserved (they got the well respected catagory III rating anyway).  

   Wu Ming (Tan Lap-Man, who's name is perfect, because he gets more lap than a toilet seat)! He gets to plow all three sisters and the sex scenes almost reach an oriental Russ Meyer zenith, but not quite. 

Cut out the fucking splashing?

   Tsui Hark took a similarly dull route with Green Snake (which I found impossible to watch without succumbing to narcolepsy).

   Wu Ming has magical powers of extreme lust, because after each hot female learns of his three timing, they all end up boning him anyway, that lucky bastard!  

   I've never seen The Witches Of Eastwick entirely but after watching the cherry vomit scene in this and comparing the Veronica Cartwright performance on Youtube, this one fails miserably. It's not entirely a re-make either, they decided to tribute the cherry pit scene and the ending. This "Asian Jack Nicholson" manages to give all the sister's a wicked case of hairy chest syndrome (they start transforming back into giant canids). It turns out that he is the human incarnation of Wu Tung, the evil multi-faced statue seen in the beginning all along (I mean their names are practically the same). The ending basically degenerates into the plot of Eastwick (from what I remember, I used to fast forward to the good parts).

Slightly Recommended more sex than Sex and Zen, but less fun then usual Category III's

THRILLER!