Hatchet for a Honeymoon

Hatchet for a Honeymoon. Directed by Mario Bava. (1970).

I saw this once before long ago and remember liking it. It’s a title from Chas’ catalog so it’s a long overdue review. Here we go! 

The credits give off a Rankin Bass drenched in blood vibe. This is of course the master of the macabre Mario Bava. Tarantino once gave him a lifetime achievement award!

A meatclever murder happens on a speeding train as John (played by Stephen Forsyth) a self described psycho hates his current wife and killed 5 before her. Mildred his bride played by Laura Betti warns that she’ll never grant him a divorce! John is in the fashion business, so lots of models show up, however this dude is preoccupied with some mannequin hanky panky to care. The psychedelic score is pretty jarring and nail biting. 

Egg sucking psycho! (I wonder if this influenced Angel's (1983) mom fixated creep)

At a seance Mildred (Betti) has a very dramatic hysterical fit. These types of spectral events never work out in most situations unless it’s Patrick Swayze in Ghost (1990). Forsyth's character, the meatcleaving weirdo has a really snazzy garden with roses and flapping parrots. He has a creepy wedding murder fetish and claims a new victim played by Femi Benussi. They play lots of fuzz guitar during this scene. 

Goth enough for ya?

Frank puts on a wedding dress and lipstick as this point. I did doze off a little during this film but I was smoking some herb maaann.I used to not really care for Giallos but this one was very entertaining. The subgenre has become more appealing to me ever since I heard that Uncle Acid and The Deadbeats album Nell' Ora Blu. Bava fans or Giallo puddin' heads will most likely lose their minds over this flick.

Redemption and Kino put out a DVD and it's also streaming on Tubi.

BUY HERE

Mildred is so drama

Wild guess, Mommy issues?

Murder Clinic (1966)

 

Murder Clinic Dir by Elio Scardamaglia/ Lionello De Felice (1966). 

This film is a part of the infamous triple bill “Orgy of the living dead” I mean just look at that snazzy poster! The film I’m reviewing here Murder Clinic went under the title of Revenge of the Living Dead and good ole Skunkape took a gondola trip to Sicily to procure this very copy for me. If you were curious, Kill Baby Kill- Mario Bava is the other “Living Dead” flick in the triple bill. Be sure and check out the straight jacket tongue wagglin’ trailer, which I first saw in Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell (1987). This one won’t put you in a straight-jacket as advertised but it might make you drowsy if you despise this film subgenre. This begins with some spooky music in an ultra-gothic setting. I used to think Giallos were boring and wretched but lately I’ve been enjoying them more. I’m not even gacked up on some neck tension inducing sativa or my 18th cup of Folgers crystals.

 

So, if you can find it, check this one out. The typical Giallo black cloak/straight razor motif used later by Hitchcockian devotees like Brian DePalma and Dario A. is present. We’re trapped in a gaunt mental home with a cruel old carved apple faced female named Sheena (she looks more like a Hagatha). This character is played by Harriet Medin, who has quite a resume! She’s been in lots of Italians Horrors like Black Sabbath(1963), Horrible Dr. Hichcock (1962) but then in her mature years The Terminator (1984), Fresh Prince (1993) and Quantum Leap (1984)! Yowza! 

I taught the Fresh Prince how to sucker punch

This movie has the eerie late-night vibe of a creature feature hosted by your fav horror host. Just picked one, there are so many—Dr. Gangrene from Nashville perhaps.

The surf guitar chugging peppers the score. The women in this mental home are very unsafe. Dr. Vance a ghoulish Victorian chap lies to a blonde nurse named Mary. Barbara Wilson who plays the newbie nurse literally never acted again after this role. William Burger plays the aforementioned Dr. Vance. Burger later on was in Devil Fish (1984) and a Lou Ferrigno Hercules (1983) flick. Dr. Vance’s wife has a hideously mangled face. Ooh---it's gruesome. It looks like a soggy Morlock or a mop that swept up a pile of chop-meat with a dangling oyster. 

I HEARD THAT!

Dr. Vance sometimes reminds me of Peter Cushing but utterly more unpleasant. He feels up the Giselle, a girl he finds lying in the forest by saying “I’m a Doctor”. He has something devious up his sleeve for sure. There’s a mental ill elderly lady with a big stuff white cat. The wooden paneled institute holds all kinds of unstable and fragile people. When they get jumpy, there’s a primitive medieval looking injection awaiting them, OUCH! There’s a seriously fucked up scene where a dude getting dragged under a horse carriage. Since it’s the mid 60s they darken the screen and we don’t see guts. Unless there’s a Corruption (1968) type uncensored cut I’m not aware of. 

insert pussy joke here

Giselle and Mary chat for a few mins and seem like opposites. Françoise Prévost was in Spirits of the Dead (1968) with Jane Fonda and The Possessor aka Return of the Exorcist (1975). 

We find out through his partner (maybe his nurse, I was never clear ) that Vance is a female killing creep who got away with his crimes. They’re obviously trying to make him look like the killer. One inmate named Fred tries to slice a Blonde’s throat with a glass bottle but Mary somehow gets him to come out of his hyper-manic episode. I hate this scene because this is supposed to be a hospital that treats mentally ill patients. There’s just the right dose of meds around the corner for Fred! Fred (Massimo Righi) was in two Bava movies Blood & Black lace (1964), Black Sabbath (1963) and a couple Spaghetti Wests. 

Fred will get the proper meds one day, just not in this insane asylum.

Anyway, Dr. Vance is busy shaving a Hamster, so me thinks medicine is too primitive if that shit is going on. It’s actually for a skin graft on his ugly wife’s face! 

There’s a late-night hallway encounter where Giselle takes one look at ole hemorrhoid Chewbacca (by that I mean Dr. Vance’s wife’s mug) and faints as the witch emits laughing guttural sounds. 

These boots are made for blackmail

Giselle, who looks a lot like Nancy Sinatra blackmails Vance because she saw him bury a corpse and thinks she has some leverage. Cut to she was attacked by the straight razor wielding maniac (who they pretty much give you the answer early on). 

poster for another film in the triple bill

This one leans very heavily on spooky Goth atmosphere and Victorian bullshit which is fine. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. This one reminds me slightly of Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism (1967). Out of the triple bill I enjoyed it more than Kill Baby Kill (1966)or Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) directed by the same man who created The Blind Dead. There’s another film titled Revenge of the Living Dead (La revanche des mortes vivantes 1987) from France that is epic! I give this Giallo pudding 3 sprays of whip cream/

cheese in a can. Diabolik has and all region blu-ray.

American Nightmare

American Nightmare Directed By Don McBrearty, Starring Michael Ironside (1981/1983).

Haha, very funny Canada back in 83, how did you know even before Mike Judge that a reality show ape/ hemorrhoid faced clown would surround himself with a cabinet white supremacists, preach intolerance and dismantle the entire political system while everyone was too busy farting around on social media to notice. Actually that's complete bullshit, but you already knew that dear readers, this one is a Canuxploitation slasher that's number one selling point is that is has Alexandra Paul, the babe from Dragnet, Christine and Baywatch topless and acting super stoned and horny. She was also dating the director and this is her first role, but enough about her.

HACK, I swallowed a whole bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries while stoned

A rubber gloved john slices Tanya the hooker's throat, causing her brother to go searching for his prostitute sister. The Great White North just seems to have an over abundance of depraved half naked babes-- remember they shot Ilsa 3: Tigress of Siberia there and this one has all kinds of sleazy chicks. I learned a lot by reading Yum Yum of Houseofself-indulgence's review for this film. This was basically a time capsule of prime Toronto grime, when the streets were clogged with the legions of creeps on the level of "The Deuce" of the early 80s and 90s. Their grindhouse nostalgic domain was Yonge Street and The Zanzibar, which this movie preserves.

Everything about this one, so far, is like a zero budget ShowGirls. One stripper juggles naked in front of a poster for Connie Stevens Scorchy, another dresses like a cowgirl and they all worry about Tanya (Alexandra Paul's character).

obvious inspiration for Pink Floyd's double album A Nice Pair

Everyone is so fucking Canadian, why is it called American and not Canadian Nightmare? There's already a number of films with that catchy title, the most famous one to me being Buddy G's unedited cut of Combat Shock (which I ordered from Chas).

Michael Ironside shows up in basically the same outfit that he wore in Scanners, only its 3 years later. Ironside is never above showing up in trash, he was even in an episode of The Littlest Hobo, an 80's crime solving dog sitcom that was just mentioned on The Best Show as something to cheer us all up after the election. The murders are very similar to Maniac only the killer has no presence at all. The best part about this movie is that it's really sleazy and lots of skanks show off their assets.

One stripper played by Lenore Zann humps a pitchfork and she even carries it around off the clock as a weapon. Before this role Zann was in Visiting Hours, also with Ironside and Happy Birthday To Me. 

Peter Scolari from Bosom Buddies starting at his night job

Lawrence Day, the guy who plays Eric has all the acting style of a mannequin or Keir Dullea and his delving into the seedy underworld is sort of like Hardcore but very inept. There's a really offensive gay character named Dolly (Larry Aubrey) who seems to know everyone and I felt kind of bad when he dies. Aubrey appeared in the My Pet Monster live action video cassette special and The Vindicator, he's got quite a nerdy resume.

for Furries only

Through out the duration of the film, lurking in the background are all these dudes in tacky thrift store suits with buttons that save Uni-Save, which is a plot point that becomes very crucial toward the grand finale. I'm pretty certain it's making a statement that Uni-Cef is corrupt but I could be wrong.

holy shit it's a California Raisin in a Moe Howard wig!

There's graffiti and thought balloons that say Pink Floyd on the walls during some scenes, this movie is really stupid but it's enjoyable in its lameness. For a Giallo, which it's been called, man how did I let that one slip by, it's still very accessible and succeeds in that area. There's even some surprise incest, which really came way out of left field. A lot of times I judge a film by the last 5 minutes, if I'm on the edge of my seat like I was during Lipstick (which I've got to review, it's an amazing film that Skunkape turned me onto a few years ago), then I know it's a must see. It gets really bizarre toward the finish line, I advise you to stick it out and if you're bored and give up, I think you'll regret missing the big climax.

MAX RENN WOULD WANT TO GET THIS ON CIVIC TV PRONTO AND ADD HARDCORE INSERTS.

BLADE OF THE RIPPER

Blade of the Ripper (The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, The Next Victim)
Directed by Sergio Martino
Starring: Edwige Fenech, George Hilton, Ivan Rassimov (1971).

Reviewed By Michael Hauss

While not a first viewing preference for me, giallos do make for an interesting view of sex, violence and murderous activities. The film under review here came during the peak of the Italian giallo cycle in 1972 and is one of the finest ever filmed. The review you are about to read will be filled with spoilers, but I know no other way to present this, without a complete explanation of the film, which relied on perchance happenings, the gradual pushing of the main character to the brink on insanity and an elaborate scheme to off people for monetary gain. Imagine if you will, say take the film STRANGERS ON A TRAIN and film it 70's Italian style, in reverse from the Hitchcock film with the ending revealing the murderous plot. That's what occurs here as two men, a professional man, a diplomat at that named Neal Wardh (Alberto de Mendoza) and a lazy playboy named George (George Hilton), who seemed to be hiding something and is even a bit of a psycho, explain how they have both helped the other get rid of someone in exchange for the other.

Ringo was a hack too Sergio "monkey javelin" Martino! 

Of course in the Hitchcock film, the Robert Walker character is the only one to murder someone, where as the Farley Granger character never holds up his end of the bargain, he never agreed to in the first place, but in this film the pair firmly consent to the killings. Neal eliminated Carol (Conchita Airoldi) who was George's cousin, she stood in the way of George receiving his full share of an inheritance, and George indirectly got rid of Julie Wardh (or at least he thought they did). Wardh was married to Neal and like Mirem in the Hitchcock film, was promiscuous, she is killed or was she, by an ex-boyfriend who happened to be a sadist named Jean (Ivan Rassimov). Jean attempted to kill Julie for money and after the attempt on her life is given a new name and nationality. Rasimov's character becomes John McDonald, a Canadian, before he is killed by George, to tie up a loose end.

The pair of men are exposed at the end because of a misstep that was performed during the killing of Carol, that varied from the actual homicidal killers operatus mundi, the fact that the murderer was at large during the plot to rid the men of the two women was a good cover for their deviousness.
The film is built around the Julie character who is a sexual deviate, she is both excited and repelled by blood. She is stalked throughout the movie by an ex-boyfriend who is a sado masochist who through flashbacks helped Julie wallow in her depraved and humiliating sexual hang ups. Julie is played by the ravishing Edwige Fenech, who with this role is frequently nude, this helped her become a bankable star, this film marked her second Giallo. TOP SENSATION (1969, Italy) was the first in that film she starred along with Rosalba Neri. Fenech would go on to a long career in films, including ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK 1972, Italy, Spain) where she teamed up again with actors George Hilton, Ivan Rassimov and director Sergio Martino from this film. She also appeared in the film YOUR VICE IS A LOCKED KEY AND ONLY I HAVE THE KEY (1972, Italy), also directed by Martino. Fenech has amassed 82 television and film credits to her name. This was the second feature film directed by Martino and he handles the chores excellently and does a great job helming the film, using unique camera angles and building the sense of dread with the use of quick cuts, scenes bustling with kinetic energy and fully utilizing a brilliant score to accent many scenes.

Do you mind?

The male lead of the film George Hilton was a major Italian film star who appeared in many films and genres, but may be mostly remembered for his roles in Spaghetti Westerns. Hilton who also had a certain charm to his portrayals, that at times masked the deceptive mind beneath the characters, as in this film. Ivan Rassimov who played the sadist Jean appeared in a number of films and is best remembered for his roles in the two gut munching films MAN FROM DEEP RIVER (1972, Italy) and JUNGLE HOLOCAUST (1977, Italy).

I don't always drink beer, but when I do smash a bottle of Dos Equis over that old bastard's head 

The film is full of beautiful jet setting people, living a descendant life style and engaging in sexual relationships with different partners. The use of the homicidal maniac killing women during the efforts of the three men to kill Carol and then drive Julie mad and then kill her was a fantastic idea that propelled this film into a classic of the Giallo genre. The cast are uniformly solid with Edwige Fenech playing a strong character who withstood many instances of abuse and was pushed past the edge of sanity, but stayed strong until the end until the plot by the two men with the aid of Neal almost cost her her life. The three men think Julie is dead at the end and the emotional toil on the viewer is heavy until it's revealed she is alive and ultimately the three men foiled in their attempt. Jean received a bullet in the gut for his part, the other two perish down a ravine and into a river.
Most of the homicidal killers victims were jet setting, free spirits, who were being punished it seems for their sins, the killer played by the great Italian actor Bruno Corazzari is given scant screen time and performed his razor slashing slayings mainly within the girls apartments, including one inside a shower with a blonde who is slashed and blood sprays upon the wall another nod to Hitchcock and his film Psycho (1960, USA).

Check out this nifty face opener I got from the Giallo Depot

The scenes in flashback with the Jean character slapping and cutting Julie were a bit hard to watch and the film definitely took on an air of misogyny and even the end which had Neal and George joyfully conversing, gave off a homosexual vibe to it, or at least a deep mutual admiration. The use of blood and water was used many times, including the homicidal killers killing of some victims in showers scenes and interrupted showers , the staged fake death of Jean in the bath with a tub full of bloody water and the small villa at the end where George has taken Julie to escape the killer, where the radiator in the villa leaks rust, which looks like blood and the smell of rust does at time have a smell of synthetic blood to it. The water and blood mix could possibly be a metaphor for the mix of blood and water that poured from the side of Jesus after it was pierced as he hung on the cross by a Roman soldier, the killing of the son of God by man. The mixing in the film standing for the attainment that these supposed sinners are receiving by the spilling of their blood, as blood purified the victims slashed by the killer and the mixing of blood and water, baptism into death if you will to wash their sins away.

Check out these tasty Ace Frehly style licks!

Like I said to start this review, I consider myself a film enthusiasts, but tend to stay within my comfort zones and the Giallo genre of films is not generally within my zone. Minus the Bava Giallos, which I slavishly research and obsess over and beyond Hitchcock, whom all these films own a certain gratitude towards. I very seldom buy or watch these, but without a doubt this film in the fifty or so I've seen is quite possibly the most technically polished and acted production in that small amount, even outside the parameters of Giallos it's one of the finest films this reviewer has even seen. The first half of the movie can move slow at times and with the continued closeups of Fenech it seemed like the film was a love affair between her and the camera, but the ending made all the crazy shit that predated it make sense and made for a stunning outcome to this great film. (editor's note: The recent Giallo homage by half of Canada's Astron 6 recreated a few moments from this film, check out this side by side comparison below)

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED...

The Editor

The Editor, Directed By Adam Brooks & Matt Kennedy -  Astron 6 is Adam Brooks, Matt Kennedy, Connor Sweeney. Jeremy Gillespie, and Steve Kostanski.  

It's been a few weeks since we've covered a "new" film (which sadly was Goat Scrote's coverage of Eli Roth's Green Inferno), so you know this one is pretty special. I'm a huge fan of Goblin-esque or Alan Howarth/John Carpenter tones or synthwave (what I used to think of as Italio-Disco) and The Editor has a lot of those schmaltzy sounds pouring from the soundtrack. The first ones I got into were Giallo's Flame, Laserhawk and the Disco Undead compilation. The bands featured on this soundtrack are Carpenter Brut, Vercetti Technicolor, Repeated Viewing and of course the best of all time Claudio Simonetti! There's an entire sub genre now, which is pretty cool, so you can mix up your own fake scores for an imaginary Italian Horror flick.

The Editor is a film I had no expectations going into, mainly because I'd only seen the poster artwork, which had Laurence R. Harvey, the tubby guy from the Human Centipede series and other cast members I wasn't familiar with. Each Astron 6 film that I've watched was enjoyed drunkenly along with my best pal Skunkape. Starting with the Troma release Fathers Day in 2011 (lots of anal rape jokes) and Manborg (which was a slight improvement). The Editor however, really cut into the meat of the matter and lampooned all things Italian Horror, this of course is sole the reason I'm reviewing it above all their other films. Did they pull it off, I have to say they did a decent job and for once made a Giallo watchable. Now that's almost impossible in my book, because I'd been burned by many others. Novices out there who blindly stumble into this tarantula infested macaroni pit of parody will not get the jokes and I doubt will want to dive into the Italian exploitation subculture. For those that stick it out, (obviously regular Guts readers have ventured beyond the typical), you will be rewarded. This movie goofs on Fulci, the Franco Nero/David Hess vehicle Hitchhike and there's almost too much technicolor and an over saturation of phantasmagoric Argento style to count the references, blah blah, you get the point. It's all handled really well and they genuinely understood the guilty enjoyment of garbled translated Italian to American style dubbing, nice work Astron 6.

Astron 6 : total boners for 80's nostalgia

The only flaw I could single out here is that they went with Udo Keir, who I've recently gotten used to instead of someone like John Morghen. I even asked Morghen if they bothered to consult him to appear and he said "No", for shame Astron 6!

Shut Up, I'm watching myself on Eagleheart!

The lead protagonist Rey Ciso (star and co director Adam Brooks) comes off like a watered down Franco Nero impersonator but he has a certain level of charisma. Paz de la Huerta is pretty terrible as usual but looks very attractive in a slovenly way, she's made a nice career though appearing in B-movie schlock, this seems somehow classier than her usual garbage. The way she whines at her husband and calls him a cripple (because his fingers were sliced off in an accident and he wears wooden prosthetics) sort of reminds me of the relationship dynamic of Richard Johnson and Olga Karlotos in Zombie. A textbook giallo killer is out slicing through major arteries (the red stuff spurts out in rivers, there's those Argento motifs). The shadowy figure wears a black raincoat, gloves, sunglasses and injects people with a paralyzing serum and carries a straight razor. All the Giallo cliches are evident.

The females in The Editor constantly show full bush and are extremely beautiful, if only real Giallos were that generous. There's a sweet Traci Lords crotch thrusting Murder Rock style homage topped off with a stupendous face ripping. The mechanical face spews out blood and the violator tries to smush the flesh back onto the skull--it's ghastly amusing.

Check out my skinless Maculay Culkin impression

The Human Centipede actor plays a helpful priest and thankfully doesn't sew any mouths to anus' this time around. Another actor/co-writer Conor Sweeney talks like a foreign dubbed guy and gets tons of ladies, his character is sort of gay (he checks out a dude in the shower and compliments his penis), he also wears a bad Ken doll blonde wig.

Yep that's right I brought Herpes to Sicily, so what!

The murders start racking up super fast and it gets increasingly more difficult to tell what's reality and what's being spliced together on the editing table by Rey Ciso.    

The story is intentionally muddled to emulate the Italian gore genre, you know how forgiving most fans are especially if it's a Fulci or Mattei flick, hell, I'll even toss in Claudio Fragasso for fucks sake.

I can't sleep, I drank too much Sanka

There are a lot of grisly murders but one of my favorite parts is when Rey sees a shrouded figure with giant blue contacts, it's such a straight up Argento moment that would be lost on most people who aren't familiar with his early work. There's a comical and yet surreal sex scene where gratuitous mounds of birthday cake are slathered on the man's face (perhaps it's a scat metaphor). There's an insanely gory chainsaw battle that's so violent and sexually gratuitous that it reminded me of Pieces, which I'm sure was intentional even though that's by a Spanish film maker.

Tom Carvel here, reminding you that foodies are welcome to explore their perversions at participating stores

During the second the half, the tributes hurl at you frenzied (a blind girl has a German Shepard, a weapon nearly stabs a victim repeatedly over and over ala-Fulci). I'm always baffled by that motif in the maggot Maestro catalog, but it always occurs and it's always wonderfully suspenseful.
This one hits almost all of the pressure points in a satisfying way, especially if you're an Italian gore junkie, in my mind this is Astron 6's best work to date, go out of your way to see it.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!  
Astron-6 Website

I wish I knew how to quit you Franco

Girl In Room 2A

GIRL IN ROOM 2A
Italy, 1974
Directed by: William Rose
Stars: Daniela Giordano, Raf Vallone, John Scanlon, Rosalba Neri, Brad Harris

Reviewed By Michael Hauss

After a fantastic opening scene, where a woman is abducted, drugged and taken to a secret location, hung from a ceiling by her hands and then knifed repeatedly and then cut down and impaled on a stake on the wall by a red masked assailant dressed in ancient executioner clothing (sadly not as campy as the executioner in BLOODY PIT OF HORROR), we are introduced to Margaret (Daniela Giordano) a woman who has just been released from prison for a crime she says she did not commit. She goes to stay at the boarding house of a Mrs. Grant (Giovanna Galetli), whose son Frank (Angelo Infanti) also lives there. The Grant's are nice enough to allow women to stay in room 2A in their boarding house after they are released from jail, but the women keep disappearing from that room. The Margaret character does a lot of hallucinating and seems to be on the verge of a hysterics, but can't muster enough enthusiasm or acting prowess to pull it off.  Daniela Giordano as Margaret seems to play the part with a naive stupidity and really can't figure the role out, nice to look at, but not quite right for the part. Giordano did far better in the films YOUR VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM AND ONLY I HAVE THE KEY (Italy, 1972), the Mario Bava directed film FOUR TIMES THAT NIGHT (Italy, W. Germany, 1972) and  HAVE A NICE FUNERAL MY FRIEND...SARTANA WILL PAY (Italy, Spain, 1970).

These Macramé hangers really spruce up my sex dungeon

We lose all momentum from this point as everyone seems to be hiding something or lying about things, case in point being Frank telling Margaret that his father drowned, but his mother told her he was run over by a driver who had just robbed a supermarket. Frank is a bit of an odd bird, his room is filled with mannequins and a small guillotine, kind of a Norman Bates Momma boy thing going on here. The first night in Margaret's room she finds a blood spot on her carpet and for some reason just cleans it up and then does so again on subsequent nights, no investigating or reporting this oddity, just cleans it up. The film introduces Jack (John Scanlon), who's sister Edie supposedly killed herself at the Grant' s house, he does not buy that it was suicide and asks Margaret to help him by spying around the house. Jack eventually gets a room at a place across the alley from the boarding house and together with Margaret they begin to try and solve what is going on, but these two ain't no Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, that's for sure, they are downright stupid together and through pure luck figure this mess out. Margaret is aided by a social worker who originally set her up in the Grant house, the social worker is played by the drop dead gorgeous Rosalba Neri (LADY FRANKENSTEIN, Italy, 1971).

The film really bogs down after the beginning scene and is shot in a depressing hue of colors, with very little natural light and many night scenes. A cult is killing beautiful young women after being released from jail, a cult of correctness lead by a Mr. Dresse played by Raf Vallone, they take the law in there own hands, while also wallowing in the filth of their own sadistic sexual pleasures, cleansing evil from beautiful women. The film really takes off in the last 20 minutes or so and really needs to be seen to be believed, as the blood flows freely and torture takes center stage, the ending is crazy, with everything spiraling out of control, it almost makes you forget how boring the rest of the movie was, almost.

Toss me up an ice cold Stella Artois (the most eurotrash beer I can think of)

The talented and very lovely Karin Schubert (COMPANEROS, Italy, Spain, W. Germany, 1970, COLD EYES OF FEAR, Italy, Spain, 1971) is there towards the end to basically get naked and then be killed, again nice to look at, but a waste of a talented actress. Ex-strongman Brad Harris is along also and plays Charlie, who was Jack's sister Edie's ex-boyfriend who got her into some legal problems, he aids Jack in his pursuit to save Margaret after she is kidnapped at the end. So here's the story, watch the first ten minutes, the scenes with Rosalba Neri and the last twenty insane minutes and call it a day.

These face snuggies are cozy

Bottom line is this film was terrible, the performances, the lighting and direction are all lacking. While this film is technically a Giallo film, it builds zero suspense and was very easy to figure out. Watch it but do so with the remote close by, so you can fast forward...because this film is a murky, deceptive affair that can at times be torturous to sit through.

KEEP THAT REMOTE HANDY TO SKIP AROUND.

Get away from me Burt Young, I can smell your gorgonzola cologne from here

Smile Before Death

Smile Before Death, aka “Il sorriso della iena” Directed by Silvio Amadio, Starring Jenny Tamburi (1972).

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

In this sleazy murder mystery, we see rich old bag Dorothy Emerson (Zora Gheorgieva) flail about on the floor of her parlor, her throat slit with a piece of jagged glass. Detectives note that ol’ Dorothy had been drinking heavily before her demise, and so they describe as an “apparent suicide.” As we learn much later, this ridiculous assumption was probably based on the fact that Dot was an overbearing old hose bag who the surrounding community exclaimed “Good riddance!” when they wheeled her lifeless body on the gurney. However, we are getting ahead of ourselves –

Dorothy’s daughter Nancy (Jenny Tamburi) arrives at the family manse, school cap, knee socks and all. In boarding school for the majority of her life, she says she only saw mom about seven to eight times in her entire life (This figures in to plot later on, takes note.) Nancy is greeted by lesbian lizard Gianna (Rosalba Nelbi), “her mother’s best friend” – HA! – and scumbag stepfather Marco (Silvano Tranquilli). Dorothy kept no pictures of daughter nancy anywhere in the house and both Gianna and Marco rarely heard of her … do we see where this is going?

mirror mirror on the wall, do I look like a porn parody version Gina Gershon? 

In no time, shutterbug Gianna has Nancy posing for a series of pictures. Beginning with relatively innocuous fashion shots, the photos sessions become increasingly steamy and more explicit. Eventually, these modeling sessions include a third party, Connie Linglus. OOOOoh, you saw that one coming, didn’t you friends?

I saw that one coming but am incapable of smiling

To cut to the chase, it’s later revealed that Cougar Woman Dorothy was a happy lush who embraced life with her Bobby Sherman-lookalike boyfriend (Hirma Keller) who was fixing to tell both Gianna and Marco to hit the road. Natch, they both killed Dorothy, and tried to make it look like a suicide by locking her up in her bedroom from the inside by using a piece of twine. When faithful house servant Magda (Dana Ghia) gets hip to the Disgusting Duo’s plans – to eventually kill Nancy to get their hands on all the loot, she is brutally dispatched by Gianna with a glass ashtray. 

Not surprisingly, Nancy isn’t who she’s supposed to be – a minor character makes a reappearance – and a throwaway bit at the beginning involving a traffic blind spot and a garden arbor likewise returns for a grisly surprise ending that will have you laughing for days!

They don’t make them like this anymore, and did they ever? Set in one location, crammed full of Seventies disco décor that fetches top dollar on Internet auction sites, Smile Before Death features a jazz soundtrack from vocalist Edda Dell'Orso, frequent Ennio Morricone collaborator. It’s a catchy tune that lasts under three minutes and is played over and over and over and over again, even when it’s not supposed to. 

Director Silvio Amadio’s previous giallo feature Amuck (1972) remains highly sought after. In the meantime, slice off some smelly Italian cheese at the black-gloved buffet with Smile Before Death!

The Black Belly Of The Tarantula

"The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" (1971)

Director: Paolo Cavara

Starring: Giancarlo Giannini, Claudine Auger, Barbara Bouchet

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin 

We meet again, Barbara Bach! I reviewed another film of hers here at TOG, "The Unseen" which you can read right HERE. I knew she looked familiar (she's very pretty, yet strange looking). I randomly chose "The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" because I know the Giallo (Italian for "yellow", referring to the covers of mystery/thriller books) genre can be sometimes tiresome to watch because there's so many, yet so few that are actually solid films. I think the other reviewers of TOG were a bit put off by Giallos in general because frankly, they're just not as much fun as Italian Horrors, even though both genres sometimes blend together simply because of their geographic origin. I think I unintentionally gave myself a spelling test with this particular film because I don't think I've "Tarantula" correctly on my own once while typing this out. haha

Giancarlo Giannini hugging a stray kitty

Here we have beautiful scenery, some good looking people, but mostly chase scenes and a disconnected plot line. I find films like this purely fun to watch since they're a great study in early 1970s European style, like a living breathing "Better Homes And Gardens" book from 1971. The hyper-sexualized soundtrack by Ennio Morricone makes the film seem more disturbing and sexual than it really is. It's more or less window-dressing. 

Here's two examples of songs that includes lots of moaning as well! 

"Black" is one of many Giallo mystery films, not so much horror since there's little gore and more thriller type scenes therein. Also, there are a bunch of these types of films that have much more interesting titles than the actual movies themselves that mostly include animals or insects. Similarly, Fulci's more successful Giallo, "Lizard In A Woman's Skin" uses this same device to give the film a more strange aura to it that may not have been so present in the first place. The visuals in that film are definitely more substantial though. In both "Lizard" and "Black", the title is referenced in only scene, as if it was completely an afterthought. In "Lizard" it's randomly spoken by Los Bravos lead singer, Mike Kennedy. Here, its used as a metaphor for the style of murders that keep occurring with a nasty battle between a wasp and a tarantula. I'd be hard pressed to believe that the title was not created before the film's first line of dialogue was even jotted down. I think if you asked the killer of this film about the tarantula theory, he'd probably disagree. DVD company, Blue Underground though says in their summary, that the killer is "injecting beautiful women with the poison of a rare wasp". I don't remember that at all. 

weird "mannequin hands"

who's hands are who's? 

This is just an okay movie, and I admit the second time I watched it, it was better. A young police detective (Giancarlo Giannini) is trying to figure out a suspect in a serial murder case. The victims are all young, beautiful women who are paralyzed by a large acupuncture needle, then disemboweled. The gore level here is low, but I definitely flinched at stabbing scenes of the needle held with gloved, mannequin like hands. That's always a horrifying scene for me personally in more extreme Italian horror; that otherworldly large floating appendage hacking away at some poor girl. The large hairy arm in "Suspiria", "House By The Cemetery" and "Tenebre" all have that similar killer's body off camera style that always creeps the hell out of me. The actual disemboweling here is a bit weak though, appearing more he's painted their stomachs instead of slicing into them. 

I had a hard time figuring out who was who the first time I watched it because there's at least 3 women with red hair. It was a bit frustrating. Also the overabundance of young guys with blockheads and dark hair was a bit confusing. I'm guessing this helps aid the "surprise ending", but I spotted the killer pretty quickly although when they were revealed him, I wasn't sure if I had the right person. hahaha. 

From L to R: The "friend" seemingly overdubbed by a gay man, the salon manager and the wife

poor Barbie!

I rate "Black Belly Of The Tarantula" 

☆☆ and a 1/2

You can watch it HERE

Here's the trailer:

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