Burning Paradise

Burning Paradise starring Willie Chi Tin-Sang (1994).

Whether it’s historical landmarks like Once Upon a Time in China 1-3 or schlock like We’re Going to Eat You, producer/director/actor Tsui Hark is a force to be reckoned with. If Hark is connected its a guaranteed banger. We also get acclaimed auteur Ringo Lam who just directed the insanely fun action packed film Full Contact (1992). Ringo's films influenced Tarantino's career early on.

 BP begins in the middle of a sand torn war landscape. The gore immediately gets to soaked level! Swords clang and a horse gets decapitated by a flying guillotine.  

Fatal Flying Guillotine you wound up in my movie?

This Hong Kong flick so far is bad asssss! Two Shaolin monks are the main characters and a cute girl in a floppy hat. The younger monk is Fong Sai Yuk (played by Willie Chi Tin-Sang and his Master Chi Nun (Wu Xiqian). The female’s name is Dou Dou (Carman Lee Yeuk-Tung). 

The atmosphere shifts from blazing desert to frost bitten darkness. Fong Sai Yuk gets entrenched in an epic battle with soldiers on horseback. He wields a ginormous weapon that could be in a Capcom Arcade game. The sword slices through flesh and even stays in rock if you wanted to propel out a few cartwheels during the fight. 

It’s so heartbreaking when the main soldier callously stabs Yuk’s Uncle as he’s buried in rocks. The gore effects and cinematography are superlative! 

At the Red Lotus temple evil is a foot and some severed hands. I mean the place reminds me of a Ripped To Shreds tune or a MK set piece. 

essential listening

The monks are now property of the Quing Dynasty and they have all these rules including no martial arts! Shen Kung played by Wam Kam-Kong, is their ruler. These masterfully choreographed fights include flames, chains, the kind of shit out of a heavy metal music vid! 

Welcome to Rochester Ny

There’s a epic battle of strength every couple of mins yet it’s never boring and propels the character driven plot. Sai Yuk is thrown into a cave filled with corpses. An old Master Chi Sin helps him through act two. This fool says he’s been living off rats like Vermin in Time Bandits (1981! 

There's no worser farts than Rat meat ones

Shen Kung at first seems like a villain on par with General Zod but he does masterfully decapitate a female lickety-split! Kung does look stoned most of the time and paints with blood like that one H.G.Lewis film. 

Maybe you're the one that's really stoned!

There’s a female guard named Tsui ho (Maggie Lam Chuen) with a black face plate that reminds me of a minstrel act or one of those creepy Betty Boop cartoon characters. 

Boop Boop Ba-Dead

Our two main heroes wind up in the corpse pit again. This captivating movie has many elements from Indiana Jones but it never gets blatant about what it's copying. This film never slows down and there’s constant action. Vinegar Syndrome offers the new restored version of a film that before you could only find online in unsavory places or on a bootleg. Lately this company has been releasing very rare HK flicks that we reviewed in 2012. I know they’ll continue on in this trend and I’m stoked they are releasing top quality HK sleaze/ action. Thank You VS! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Devil's Express (aka Gang Wars)

Devil's Express (aka Gang Wars) Starring War Hawk Tanzania (1976).

Who is War Hawk Tanzania, dunno but that name is FEROCIOUS! Let's find out together shall we?

 The music shifts from no wave to Barry White"s Love Unlimited style strings. 

Warhawk is also my porn nom deplume!

War hawk’s fro and droopy stache reminds me of a less attractive Lionel Ritchie. Warhawk or Luke Curtis trains to fight with his squirrely bro Chris played by Larry Fleischman. That aforementioned actor was in The Warriors PS2 video game as a back round police officer. Good for Larry I say! 

ICE decided to detain all of us based on nothing!

There’s all kinds of Chinese cave hijinx and flute music. Don’t look now but there’s a creature lurking in the forrest! I was waiting for a Gilman type monster to burst out already! It doesn’t quite happen though. We see an Asian man wonder around by traffic with giant white eyes painted over his! For a second I thought Larry Buchanan ghost directed this!

Larry paid me in day old circus peanuts

Warhawk's partner Chris kind of resembles Raoul from the Wild Kingdom segment of that UHF (1989) Weird Al movie. A bunch of Noo Yawk cops show up complete with phones and typewriter sounds. The main pig thinks Black and Chinese gangs are beefin’, duh ya think? 

Looks like we got another one of those long hard ones (and that's how we like it)!

An Ed Macmahon looking honky wanders into a subway after hearing a creepy AI sounding voice. Wouldn’t you know, Brother Theodore star of The Burbs (1989) and Letterman appearances is among the police. Brother T is shockingly quiet, I mean it’s unsettling! I'm so used to him screaming his brains out!

 

How come no one wants my autograph?

I originally heard about this movie when it was trashed in Bad Azz Mofo zine by David Walker. I once saw him talk about blaxploitation films and show clips at a Humanist church in Oakland Ca. Badazz Mofo was an influence on my writing for sure! The cops in Devil's Express all look like a hybrid of Tackleberry and Mauser if they mated. A bag lady with no brain filter faints after seeing a headless body on the subway. One thing I find irritating is how they only show the havok the monster inflicts but we never see the beast itself. OK Maybe we do see a grey dude in a shitty mask but that's not enough closure for some of us pickier film goers, sorry! My guess is that they had no money in the effects budget.  This movie is at least half as entertaining and unintentionally funny as Bare Knuckles (1977) or a 5 pack of Chuck Norris flix! 

AVAILABLE TO STREAM ON TUBI (for a limited time).

Erotic Ghost Story 2

Erotic Ghost Story 2. Directed By Peter Ngor Chi-Kwan (1991).

When I saw this was part of Shout Factory’s dive into Cat III shit I figured after 11 yrs?!! It was time to review the sequel. I found this on Plex instead of having to buy the boxset, which has many TOG HK classicks that I highly recommend. The set is called Golden Harvest vol 1: Supernatural Shockers. Films include Sex and Zen,Dr. Vampire, Erotic Ghost Story 1-3, Robotrix. These titles besides Sex and Zen have all been reviewed here before when they were on inferior sources and VHS tapes procured after dumpster dives but NOW the genius people behind Shout Factory have them in superior HD quality Blu-rays packed with fun shit!

The director is an amazing cinematographer named Peter Ngor, this dudes resume is a blaze with hits like Armour of God (1986), Full Contact (1992) and the aforementioned Sex and Zen (1991)just to name a smattering. 

Skunkape revealed to me that he didn’t think much of this and complained about Anthony Wong’s annoying hissing! Wong plays Chiu-sheng, he bangs so many Asian babes but doesn’t do any butchery Untold Story (1993) style. He wears white makeup, a white mane and has a tail. He'll hop in a spiky cocoon with his Goth girlfriend that's where they have the best talks.

HISSSSSSSSS You like that ya smelly ape?

There’s an obscene amount of fornicating, ass play, I mean a raw egg rolls down some butt cheeks, just weird Cat III type tomfoolery. I’d say 70% of EGS2 is full of nut bustin’ content. Unless you're 12 years old, this kind of constant Skin-a-Max type bonin' is hardly sexy but I was never bored at least. There’s one sex orgy scene (of many) where they pass a joint and smoke what they call the “happy leaf”. The end throws a lot of sappiness our way, it didn’t impress me but it was a fun time nonetheless.

MARIO KART MEETS SUPERNATURAL CAT III STYLINZ. I can't wait to see how part 3 is! 

PART 1 &2 are available to watch on PLEX.
 

Just widdlin'

this movie sure blows NOT!

I'm here for the Evil-Lynn audition.




The Occupant

 

The Occupant directed by Ronny Yu (1984). 

Here’s a film I saw as a trailer on the Deep Red VHS mixtape called Son of DR Deluxe (review here). 

Chow Yun Fat plays a cop who starts off catching pickpockets. Hansome Wong (Raymond Pak-Ming) an annoying car salesman makes bad jokes and tries to sell a lemon aka a shitty car. There are some white on white subs that blur together. If only I would learn Mandarin already!

sophistication and class

The bowl haircut main protagonist car salesman and his gal pal end up in a spooky house.He threatens to strip nude since there are ghosts? Ok whatevs! But wait, it turns out there is a haunting after-all! 

Great! Now I'm a fuggin mime!

Yun-fat’s police character busts up a massage parlor and hilarity ensues. The spectacled goof and his fem companion get freaked out at a seance. His girlfriend puts on clown makeup to try and frighten the hell outta him. When he falls off a ledge and winds up in female clothes Angie laughs at him! He claims that ghosts pushed him. This movie is very silly but entertaining enough to make you want to sit through the duration. 

Revenge of the Nerds HK Vacation

Officer Valentino (Yun-Fat) bullies Handsom Wong, the nerdy dude into submission and gets called a sex maniac! A ghostly hand raises up and slaps our bowl haircutted friend out of the building! This movie even throws a pop star ghost into the mix! This flick keeps tossing wacky wall wobblers at the wall to see what sticks! There’s lots of random half finished ideas.Why were they in such a hurry? 

I took all the drugs!

Angie goes to the library and uses the patented horror movie trope of the microfische machine. You know the one from the Amityville Horror (1979) and 100 other ghost /demon movies? This cinematic dud throws funny named characters at us like “Big Teeth” and "Poon". I did have to stop and start it a few times. 

It’s cool to see Shaw Brothers star Lo Leih as Chow Yun-Fat’s dad. Angie conjures up an evil spirit named Lisa Law, no really!Things erupt at a seance and Angie gets possessed!  It all ends with a wacky credit sequence that has lots of guitar wank. 

Ronny Yu has had a fascinating career! One of my favorites has always been The Bride with the White Hair (1993) I highly recommend checking out The Trial (1983) if you can find it. Later on, he directed Warriors of Virtue(1997), a strange kids film, Bride of Chucky (1998) and Freddy Vs Jason (2003)! I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed by the whole affair of that aforementioned slog. And yet this director really switched gears and just attained legendary status as the director who nailed the coffin in on two of the biggest horror stars to exist! I mean I'm not a fan but that franchise had to implode in a righteous way!It was at least memorable, this one not so much. Available to watch on archive.org

Population One

 

Population 1 Directed by Rene Daalder (1986).

 When I saw this for the first time I was riddled with Covid. I was stoned on gummies and drunk on thera-flu. If you can find this gem (Daily Motion perhaps?), I suggest you watch it heavily under the influence. This bitch gets trippy in thee best way! Population One stars Screamers front maniac Tomata Du Plenty. If you are unfamiliar with The Screamers, they were early innovators of synth punk. They expressed their art on stage mainly and never released anything (I just listened to the demo on bandcamp so there)!

Sheela Edwards my new crush!

A black and white nuclear wasteland music video ignites the flame of this Rene Daalder directed flick. Daalder made Massacre At Central High (1976) as well, which I highly recommend. 

The first song is funky no wave. Tomata plays the last known survivor of a nuclear holocaust. Population 1 has one of the most entertaining credit sequences that sets up the trajectory of the film. Sometimes Duplenty reminds me of Bruce Mcculloch on the Kids in the Hall. I wonder if this video had an effect on their comedy, who knows if they ever saw this! The Screamers and Tomatu were light years ahead of their time. This project was done as sort of a freeform live album on film.

Haunted bathroom appliances float around plus there’s a saxophone playing. Tomata tells lies as Polaroids snap pics and his nose grows longer like Pinocchio. The Goth siren Sheela Edwards sings a sax fueled tune about being a "Jazz Vampire". If it wasn't already apparent this is kind of a musical, so brace yourself.

Ahh the stench of punk royalty!

 We later see JV dancing with El Duce sans Mentors disguise. Duce was in Tomatu’s band before he started The Mentors. There are so many wild cameos like Vampira, Penelope Houston (singer of punk legends The Avengers), the giant from Twin Peaks, a child version of famed musician and scientologist Beck Hansen.

I invited all my famous pals over to watch me fart in the tub

This is the kind of cult movie Night Flight used to show but I’m not aware if it ever aired on the USA Network back in the day. Sheela Edwards aka Jazz Vampire is one of my favorite characters, sorry Tomata! 

I like how this and The Screamers art was meant to fizzle out and leave a lasting impression for those that witnessed it. I guess in this way they're creating edge-lords and internet trolls which is unfortunate. Still their music influenced so many keyboard synth driven queer core bands.

I heart micro-dosing

During one scene where The Screamers frontman wobbles around the house as they play footage from Bloodfeast (1960). We see a young pudgy version of El Duce with blonde hair and his girlfriend Marisol. 

eyes down here,over there,whatevs!

Some of the theatrics remind me of a Christopher Guest parody film. Sheela Edwards sing/screams I Wanna Hurt! She has a chipped tooth and looks stunning! There’s a mutant titty faced creature that reminded me of Bad Biology (2008). It all ends in a patriotic hail of gun blasts. This movie pops up on streamers every once in awhile but it remains unreleased which is a shame. I'd like to see Kino restore this one on blu-ray, it fits in with their catalog.

Sadly Tomatu Duplenty passed away from cancer at the age of 52. I urge you to seek this one out and their music, they were a vital force in punk rock history. I’d like to see Kino release this on a restored blu-ray.

Diabolical Dr. Z

 

Diabolical Dr. Z. (Miss Muerte) Directed by Jess Franco (1966).

For this reviewer, Jess Franco films are like a mind field. As discussed at length before I lean towards Jean Rollins work but lately I’ve been able to find Franco’s exceptional movies and it's changed my opinion lately, so I am tackling this classic. 

Diabolical Dr. Z is a trailer from Mad Ron’s Prevues From Hell that I always would put on VHS mixtapes for friends and penpals of mine back in the 90s-00s. It starts off w Dr. Zimmer and his daughters electrocuting and sticking long needles into the face of an escaped convict. The dialogue is mostly dubbed English but sometimes switches to French but I’m guessing the original language is Spanish. Dr. Z is seen by the United Nations as an old fool and looney tune. He mentions Dr. Orloff, which is one of my least favorite movies by Jess Franco and yet its all related. Howard Vernon (JF’s good luck charm) is in the meeting as they all shout insults at the Doctor, these tongue lashings cause him to pass-out in his wheelchair. 

Franco's good luck charm

The rich tones of B&W are attractive throughout the film. There’s a wild cabaret show with Miss Death (or Miss Muerte, the original title) who slithers around a mannequin and tacky spiderweb with jarring freakout music. If that’s the talent in this nightclub then what's the food like? They leave soon after so we don’t get to find out! 

Dr. Z’s daughter runs down her supposed friend with a sports car and stages it to look like a fiery fatal accident! The blonde daughter’s face is all scarred up which makes her evil, sadistic or both.There’s a scary surgical room with screeching animals and forlorn jazz music. 

Acupuncture what's that?

I’m taking a guess because Franco has made and remade the face transplantation subplot numerous times and wait a minute, that’s whats about to happen again!

Faceless (1988) to me is Franco's face transplant masterpiece that’s sleazy as hell. This is the primitive beginnings of that trope. Miss Death is offered by Dr. Z’s secretary to sign a contract but it’s a trap and she is injected with sleepy drugs. Later on she is made to help bring other victims to the gas chamber! 

ahhh! relaxing

This is before Franco would appear in his own work or use his wife Lina Romay, who was usually completely nude parading around foggy locations. So this is a bit more tame than his later trash. Vernon's character makes out with Miss Death on a train and gets tossed out. There’s a pretty wafer thin script happening but it never gets dull enough to make you want to bail. The last 23 mins add a gaggle of wacky Brit comedy style actors as the police. This didn’t really work for me.It gets very foggy and atmospheric. Had I seen this before Awful Dr. Orloff i may have thought of Jess Franco in higher terms! This is a fascinating slog through a primitive Eurotrash treat. FOR FRANCO-FILES ONLY, HARD TO BELIEVE I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP ONCE.

I just inhaled 7 cappuccinos

Face the death breath of Dr. Z!

Autopsy

 

Autopsia (Autopsy) Directed by Juan Logar (1973).

Autopsy aka Toe Tag Joe was one of the trickiest VHS tapes to find, that is until my bestie Skunkape discovered it taped beneath a bail of dank Hubba Bubba and it slithered its way toward my Roku. It didn't even show up Tubi and that's where most Cult Exploits can be streamed!

Yes it was dreadful, we both watched it and can attest that it was so not worth all the effort but we review sometimes as a dire warning! 

If you saw famous footage of Vietnam plus Faces of Death (1978) and thought if only those two were not only fused together but had some tacked on melodramatic, existential inane dialogue that would also help to create an entire viewpoint on the duality of mankind.And if you can find it, this movie was made for such a sick individual.In the catalog Chas described it as a "strangely moving, troubling film". I actually liked the other Autopsy (1975) with Mimsy Farmer much more than this.

not appearing in THIS Autopsy

Skunkape and I both hated this film so there you go! It has Jack Taylor from Pieces (1982) and Jess Franco’s work. There’s no Jacopetti or Prosperi/ Godfather’s of Mondo involvement so I can’t blame Italians for this dreck, I have to accuse Spain of such a heavy guilt trip this time! 

The main character for some reason craves to see a genuine autopsy and that’s basically the money shot of this opus. The poor soul who donated their body so their brain could legally be removed and displayed on screen should’ve read the fine print. Or maybe it was a homeless man who was desperate, at any rate the whole affair is a major bummer and doesn’t justify the weird narrative the film makers have to illustrate. It’s an anti-war message handled very haphazardly and sloppy just like your typical schlocky Mondo junk. 

Fisher Price journalism

This Spanish journalist who’s dubbed into English is played by Juan Luis Galiardo, he interviews anyone they can find about the subject of Death. 

Fire my agent for this piece of shit!

Jack Taylor plays the dude who gets to saw through the Steak-umm meat (which is where they obtain that cut of cheaply priced grocery store offal)! If someone made a film like this now what war atrocities would they pontificate over? Post 9/11 the war seems to have moved from outside lands to within and now that Fascist Christian nationalism, supreme ignorance and greed is trendy, this will most likely cave in our own Democracy which we have taken for granted and even worse, assigned billionaire Nazis to restructure what remains for only the wealthy. 

Fellini who?

Gallardo and two other actresses have appeared in Paul Naschy’s films besides this. Skip it and the next four years (unless T—p becomes Emperor Lard-Poutine) in that case just lobotomize me now!

This aint no Carcass album cover!

I bet on the Yeti in that Paul Naschy flick and lost!