Friday the 13th part 1

Friday The 13th. Directed By Sean S. Cunningham, Starring Ari Lehman (1980).

This review is a special request from Brandon Hendrix a Deep Red devotee and brilliant writer (who should be writing for us). When I was growing up in South Florida, this movie was constantly on TV on the Miami station WDZL along with Shock Waves and Nightmare on Elm Street. I had seen the Tom Savini book beforehand, so I knew how all the kills were orchestrated, using dummies squibs and real weapons cut down to create the illusion that they were being inserted into head cavities. In the make-up book Grand Illusions or Bizarro which was it's alternate title at the library, there were full color spreads of gore for The Burning, Martin and Dawn of the Dead. The Savini book was a major spoiler for me because other than Dawn, I had yet to view all of the films. This didn't matter to me and yet another reason why I don't give a shit about giving away what happens in a film, it's all about the experience. I obsessively watched Nightmare on Elm Street, though and that became a problem with my Mom, she was worried about my psyche. I was pretty fixated on Freddy (as someone still today who owns a replica of the sweater, glove and a plush doll it's safe to say I still have a major problem but whatever, I take medication so don't fucking judge me)!

No judgement here, time for your meds.

As much as I like the other Friday sequels, this one stands on its own as a fun slasher movie. I remember when I was pretty young, I went over to this guy Dave's house in New York and during the scene where pre-teen Jason jumps out of the water and scares the shit out of the last girl. His Dad kind of scrambled to turn the dial (no remote control at the time) but it was too late! 

I wasn’t really traumatized however, this was also the first time I had discovered the cartoon Heavy Metal, which at the time was only available to watch on cable and no one had the rights yet.Sometimes you could catch it at a midnight screening but only bootlegs existed.

I'm backstrokin' my ass outta this hillbilly swamp.

As for that scene in Friday the 13th, I couldn’t figure out what was going on, but I thought it was pretty funny that a little skeleton kid covered in mud and grass pops up out of the water. I always crack up in the beginning when Irwin Keyes show up at the country diner, sadly he doesn’t even have any lines. I knew this lunkhead from The Exterminator 1 & 2 even though he died in the first movie, also from The Warriors and other cameos, he’s kind of made a career as a fun character actor on the Michael Berryman level. I had no idea until he passed away that he was a reoccurring character on The Jeffersons.

R.I.P. HUGO (aka Irwin Keyes)

Everybody in the town keeps trying to warn the smiley runty camp counselor girl played by Robbi Morgan (whose the third victim, after the two counselors who die before the credits). I like the Tom Bosley looking guy who drives her around saying "Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed!" That actor Rex Everhart voiced a TV special about Gnomes and Trolls that scared the bejeesus out of me as a youngster. At the time--because my parents were Christian hippies, any kind of satanic looking creatures repelled and also attracted me. Not much has changed as an adult obviously with me.

That Crazy "Motherfucker" Ralph, I never noticed before and I've seen this flick about 20 times that the characters mention his wife is worried about him, which is so strange to think that he's married! I guess even Hitler had a dog and girlfriend. Everyone in this movie has a catch phrase seemingly, "You're Doomed, Doomed" is one that's been copied in many other films. Most of the characters die in the sequel, which Tom Savini always bitches about with good reason. I don't care I love part 2 as well.

By today’s standards the nubile teen girls are pretty fugly looking. The cutest one in my estimation is the last surviving girl played by Adrienne King, she has that bowl haircut Vicki Lawrence has on the cover of "The Lights Went Out in Georgia". When I re-watch this movie all I can think about is Mrs. Voorhees behind the camera driving people around and then murdering them. Her scene is still one of my favorite parts.

Yay it's picture day at the yarn barn!

The difference between the uncut version and this is really slight, I mean just a couple of extra seconds of blood splatter or an open wound, that wouldn't have convinced me to plunk down the $25 to get a dub from Chas. I saw this on a double feature at the Castro theater with my pal goat. They played a really shitty washed out print of The Burning which is one of my all-time favorite slashers. It’s sort of follows the pattern of this one, except it’s more fun in an awkward nihilistic way. Even though Cropsey gets his head split open towards the end, I can't imagine they'd still bring him back for a sequel, probably in an alternate universe there's a run of Burning sequels with Fisher Stevens and Mark Ratner reprising their roles ala Corey Feldman and Kane Hodder. The most confusing thing to me was how they played the raft massacre scene after the flick ended because it was excised from the existing print.

The girl that gets an ax planted in her face doesn’t wear a bra and you can see every bump on her nipples. Betsy Palmer with that itchy thick sweater (she's wearing in the humid summer too) is the best character in the whole film to me at least. Her geriatric teeth clench as she hisses "Kill Her Mommy" is pretty chilling. There are so many elements used from Bay of Blood that I discussed in an early review like the itchy sweater wearing maniac hiding behind trees and deaths that were recreated against the 80's teens stolen from the Bava 60's.

The eerie piano of Harry Manfredini during the placid water as the credits float by always strikes me as a mysteriously ambiguous ending, what does it mean and will that damn ghost boy pop up out of the water again? He never does again in this first movie at least, but I always expect him to for the second time!

I'm not going to break down each sequel and only will cover the first one. There have been some wacky moments in practically every Friday sequel. For instance, Mrs. Voorhees' decapitation is usually a crowd pleaser and one reason I created a scratchy video moment from repeatedly re-winding that climax! If you look real close you can see the stunt guy's hairy knuckles reaching up to feel for the missing noggin. Later on in part 3, Mrs. Voorhees re-attaches her own head and pops up out of the water, leech infested sweater slopping around, like part one, as entertaining as it pans out, it makes no sense whatsoever. Part one triggered an avalanche of copycats and lame sequels but I have a special place in my heart for this genre and dig all the rip offs and foreign copies. Go buy a headshot from the original Jason kid Ari Lehman who's seemingly still out there.
See you next time when I feel like writing again, which might be just in time for USA UP ALL NIGHT week in MAY. Stay Tuned.

The Forest

The Forest. Directed by Don Jones. Starring Gary Kent.

Review By Mike Hauss

For this film being one of the worst films ever made, it’s actually not too laborious to sit through! I was shocked at how quickly the viewing experience was over. Then it slowly dawned on me, that when I review films, I always make notes. Sometimes these notes are rather extensive and it takes a ninety minute film, more like two hours or more, to get through, with all the stops and starts to jot things down. This god-awful flick never needed to be paused to make notes, because it was so inept... most of the movie is spent following people walking through the woods and nothing really ever happens between the few kills in it, and the plot is amazingly stupid and simple!

I am the Wicker Chair man!

Two married couples decide to go camping in the woods, but decide to leave at different times, in a little battle of the sexes, when the men think, that the women can’t survive camping without them. The girls, Teddi and Sharon arrive first and the men, Steve and Charlie, who are to follow them up before dark, are halted in their attempt, while a radiator is repaired. The girls make camp, waiting for the guys, but darkness falls first and as it does, they are visited by a mother and her two children, not of flesh and blood, but, ghost? Sharon freaks out and runs from the camp. A man wielding a knife accosts Teddi, and when she pleads for him not to hurt her, he says, “I don’t want to hurt you… but, I’m starving- I haven’t had anything to eat for days.”

Clan of the Cannibal King

The men arrive right at dusk and start out to find the girls, but become lost and wander to a cave where the man who killed Teddi, is sitting, in his large wicker chair in the middle of nowhere... he offers them a bit to eat and a place to stop to wait for the rain to stop. The same ghost children who  had appeared before the girls, also visit the men, but quickly disappear, and when asked if the children belonged to the man, he says they used to be his kids. After trying a bit of the meat roasting on an open flame, which unbeknownst to Steve is his wife Teddi, Steve has a strange sensation come over him as he chops down on Leg-o-Teddi. The cannibal king in his chair recounts to the men, how he became a loser in the middle of nowhere, and why it’s great to be king. Something to do with his wife fucking every guy in the local area, and he too stupid to realize she was screwing around on him, until he comes home early from work, to find her in bed with the man repairing the fridge. When he asks her why? She calls him damn near impotent, and she says that she got something from the other men, that he could never give her… P L E A S U R E! He does not reveal to the men, that he had strangled his wife and for good measure, smashed her fucking head into the night stand killing her off, and that he planted the face of the refrigerator repairman's face into an old, rusty saw.

Broke Back Mountain: Deliverance Style!

Charlie and Steve fall asleep and the cannibal king, instead of killing them for food, wakes them politely the next morning so they could be on their way. They find the camp the girls set up, but, the girls are nowhere to be found, so they set out scouring the area for them. After not find any trace of the girls, its decided that Charlie should head back to find help, while Steve waits for the girls. Just a few minutes into his trek for help, Charlie falls, injuring his leg, and sheds tears like a fucking baby, or an actor seeing his career flashing before him, as he makes like forty feet in a few hours span. The kids try and warn Sharon of their father and help her survive, but poor Steve is attacked by the Cannibal king and dies after a valiant struggle. As Charlie blubbers away in the woods, his wife Sharon is set on by the cannibal and if not for the ghost kids (the ghost kids killed themselves because they had to live in a cave), threatening to go away forever, leaving him alone, she would also have been killed. The Cannibal king eventually spies Charlie sobbing in the forest and goes in for the kill, but, Sharon saves the day after Cannibal king had in a tussle with the prone Charlie, dropped his knife. As grabs the knife, she attacks the cannibal king, he thinks it’s his wife attacking as Sharon plants his blade into his throat. The reunited couple fall into each other’s arms, sobbing of course!

*Sob!* There goes my fucking acting career!

The continuity issues abound throughout this film, and most of the dialogue, seems as if it was recorded in an echo chamber. All the acting is hideous, except, Gary Kent, who doesn’t turn in a bad job, even while delivering some cheesy lines. My guess, would be, that the director saw the box office returns of the film Friday the 13^th, and figured what the hell, I can make a horror film in the woods, just as good. Wrong! The scenery is not bad to look at  (filmed at Sequoia National park) and the cinematography is also at times, well handled, when not over shadowed by the continuity issues. 

Now its confession time! I have to admit, that i own multiple copies of this film on various media. I know it's bad, but, i cant help myself from watching it again every few years. I guess to a point it mirrors my life story, a story of a man lost in the wilderness, whose life is full of continuity issues and bad dialogue!

ON AMAZON PRIME

American Nightmare

American Nightmare Directed By Don McBrearty, Starring Michael Ironside (1981/1983).

Haha, very funny Canada back in 83, how did you know even before Mike Judge that a reality show ape/ hemorrhoid faced clown would surround himself with a cabinet white supremacists, preach intolerance and dismantle the entire political system while everyone was too busy farting around on social media to notice. Actually that's complete bullshit, but you already knew that dear readers, this one is a Canuxploitation slasher that's number one selling point is that is has Alexandra Paul, the babe from Dragnet, Christine and Baywatch topless and acting super stoned and horny. She was also dating the director and this is her first role, but enough about her.

HACK, I swallowed a whole bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries while stoned

A rubber gloved john slices Tanya the hooker's throat, causing her brother to go searching for his prostitute sister. The Great White North just seems to have an over abundance of depraved half naked babes-- remember they shot Ilsa 3: Tigress of Siberia there and this one has all kinds of sleazy chicks. I learned a lot by reading Yum Yum of Houseofself-indulgence's review for this film. This was basically a time capsule of prime Toronto grime, when the streets were clogged with the legions of creeps on the level of "The Deuce" of the early 80s and 90s. Their grindhouse nostalgic domain was Yonge Street and The Zanzibar, which this movie preserves.

Everything about this one, so far, is like a zero budget ShowGirls. One stripper juggles naked in front of a poster for Connie Stevens Scorchy, another dresses like a cowgirl and they all worry about Tanya (Alexandra Paul's character).

obvious inspiration for Pink Floyd's double album A Nice Pair

Everyone is so fucking Canadian, why is it called American and not Canadian Nightmare? There's already a number of films with that catchy title, the most famous one to me being Buddy G's unedited cut of Combat Shock (which I ordered from Chas).

Michael Ironside shows up in basically the same outfit that he wore in Scanners, only its 3 years later. Ironside is never above showing up in trash, he was even in an episode of The Littlest Hobo, an 80's crime solving dog sitcom that was just mentioned on The Best Show as something to cheer us all up after the election. The murders are very similar to Maniac only the killer has no presence at all. The best part about this movie is that it's really sleazy and lots of skanks show off their assets.

One stripper played by Lenore Zann humps a pitchfork and she even carries it around off the clock as a weapon. Before this role Zann was in Visiting Hours, also with Ironside and Happy Birthday To Me. 

Peter Scolari from Bosom Buddies starting at his night job

Lawrence Day, the guy who plays Eric has all the acting style of a mannequin or Keir Dullea and his delving into the seedy underworld is sort of like Hardcore but very inept. There's a really offensive gay character named Dolly (Larry Aubrey) who seems to know everyone and I felt kind of bad when he dies. Aubrey appeared in the My Pet Monster live action video cassette special and The Vindicator, he's got quite a nerdy resume.

for Furries only

Through out the duration of the film, lurking in the background are all these dudes in tacky thrift store suits with buttons that save Uni-Save, which is a plot point that becomes very crucial toward the grand finale. I'm pretty certain it's making a statement that Uni-Cef is corrupt but I could be wrong.

holy shit it's a California Raisin in a Moe Howard wig!

There's graffiti and thought balloons that say Pink Floyd on the walls during some scenes, this movie is really stupid but it's enjoyable in its lameness. For a Giallo, which it's been called, man how did I let that one slip by, it's still very accessible and succeeds in that area. There's even some surprise incest, which really came way out of left field. A lot of times I judge a film by the last 5 minutes, if I'm on the edge of my seat like I was during Lipstick (which I've got to review, it's an amazing film that Skunkape turned me onto a few years ago), then I know it's a must see. It gets really bizarre toward the finish line, I advise you to stick it out and if you're bored and give up, I think you'll regret missing the big climax.

MAX RENN WOULD WANT TO GET THIS ON CIVIC TV PRONTO AND ADD HARDCORE INSERTS.

Keep My Grave Open

Keep My Grave Open Directed By SF Brownrigg, starring Camilla Carr (1974). 

Hey wait a sec---YouTube is broken, stop showing shitty home movies from the 70's or a very backwoods episode of The Incredible Hulk starring a soiled chubby hobo!

Thanks to horrorfanbaby on Youtube, who painstakingly uploaded his rare collection from the SF Brownrigg archives we have the pleasure to finally see this VHS tape rescued from the bottom of a Jack-N-The Box dumpster. I hate Brownrigg, I've mentioned this a bunch of times and why any of his shit is featured in the catalog or held in any kind of regard is beyond my comprehension, but what do I know? All I'm saying is, don't encourage him by putting these out on Blu-ray, they should remain in the same landfill as the E.T. Atari videogames and never to be unearthed. His son Tony is even around carrying on the legacy with a sequel to Don't Look in the Basement. That film as lame as it was is a bazillion times more entertaining than Grave. There's just so many missed opportunities for something, anything interesting to happen. The crackly washed out film quality looks like it was smothered in country gravy and giblets--getting hungry yet?

Get ready to weep for the homeless because that paunchy bum gets his head cracked open lickity split. According to the always reliable Oak Drive In (http://theoakdrivein.blogspot.com/2014/08/keep-my-grave-open-1976.html), Brownrigg worked for Larry Buchanan and honed his terrible skills in his editing suite. To me neither of them can hold a candle to the schlock master piece maker Joy N. Houck, who else likes that director but me anyway?

Oh man, that elephant is leaving his footprints all over that butter!

The terrible Waltons style psychedelic rock permeates the soundtrack. I can already tell I'm gonna hate this movie but I'm punishing myself because Grindhouse Releasing is putting it out (and they only buy top notch quality right?) and it's of course in the DR catalog so it must be documented.

A redhead who looks exactly like Kiki Dee and wears a French's mustard yellow blouse is the main character. She gets crazy headaches, meaning she might be a schizo and is pissed that her psychiatrist is bugging her.

(stop whistling Twisted Nerve, it's everybodies ringtone thanks to Tarantino)!

More country bumpkins show up, actually they seem more like nondescript shitty actors. The mop topped redhead talks to herself or yells very loudly , there's something wrong with her and with me for watching further!

She calls out to a mysterious Kevin, we don't know if he left her or he was murdered but we later find out. I almost can't believe it, but Pigs was actually more action packed than this shit. This film is an exercise in tolerance almost on a Warhol level of surreality or I can sit through this trash and still find some entertainment value. Speaking of Skunkape told me he just sat through Trash Humpers, which I'm betting was more exciting than Keep My Grave Open. Is it good, no it's fucking horrible! Why am I bothering, I don't have a rational response! 

CINEMATIC NYQUIL, NO COFFEE ON THE PLANET WILL KEEP YOU AWAKE!

I JUST SAW THE DAILIES, RETCHHHH

Class Reunion Massacre (Aka The Redeemer)

 Class Reunion Massacre (Redeemer: Son of Satan!) Directed By Constantine S. Gochis (which seems made up) 1976.

80's horror fans are constantly battling over this debate, who started the first slasher! Is it Mario Bava, in my estimation it is, he's been plagiarized by Sean Cunningham that's for sure! This prophetic movie has a lot of the Friday the 13th themes of Catholic ultra conservative vengeance against all teens that were unfortunate to have gone to this dumb school and subsequent reunion. Terror Train, another one of my fav slashers also stole from this flick, used the same various disguises angle to confuse the audience. The Redeemer is an odd duck to say the least and has a day job as a minister, some people are able to leave their work at home but not this wacko. He’s out donning various dollar store masks and murdering sinners, my memory is fuzzy but wasn’t that the same subplot as Master of Disguise with Dana Carvey?

It's mildly fascinating how the writer and director never went onto anything else, maybe they were run out of town trying to sue the shit out of the Voorhees lawyers who knows? History was obviously against them and their little known slasher wasn’t referenced in Wes Craven’s Scream at all, some film nerds don’t dig deep enough.

The music is seriously trippy, like Saucer Full of Secrets era Floyd or Bobby Beausoleil's Lucifer Rising, Death Waltz or Waxworks records should release this on colored vinyl. When the slayings get rolling they play these ear shrieking synth tones that sound like the Screen Gems theme if the composer sat on the keys and blasted out a bunch of Atari noises!

we all got chubbies for school spirit!

I've read a lot of reviews of this film and most critics are baffled by the ending, I'm not even sure if I understand what's going on either. Stick with it though, it's surreal and very bizarre just don’t look for closure. The symbolism of two thumbs on one hand and the mutant child returning to the watery hellish depths, what does it mean? I think it's just there to confuse people. Greg Goodsell told me that it started off in another direction.

An overly long shot on a pristine lake is the first image we see, a strange boy emerges from it, hmmm sounds familiar right---did every slasher rip this movie off or what?

A second thumb erupts from the boy’s hand, man he could use some of that Handi-off that removes unwanted digits.

Everything has that spooky glare that reminds me of the harrowing "Sister Christian" video by Night Ranger (well maybe only I thought it was scary).

An unseen killer ices the school janitor than gets all hand crafty and creates a death mask.

A dick head preacher delivers a threatening sermon while someone else sets up all the traps for the Morse academy students to fall into.

There's something very ominous about this slasher flick that draws you in and got an unfair blow off in the Horror Handbook as “nuthin special”. The hidden creeper’s hand targets all kids for their sins (one is gluttony) and they show a fat guy at a shake shack. You hear that tubby, eating popcorn in the theater watching this, you're next! One sin is even lesbianism, man how out of date, get with the times psycho!

All the characters talk about how exciting their class reunion is gonna be, I mean really, if you're stoked about returning to high school you deserve all the punishment you get!

Nick Rivers totally elated to not be trapped in high school

There's two white guys with fros who have that smarmy unlikeability that Jeff from Pink Lady and Jeff fame has.

Just like the killer in Terror Train, he keeps changing his face to fool everyone than sneaks up on them when they least expect it.

One spooky disguise he wears look like the unwanted spawn of Danny Devito and Artemis from Sunny.

He even shows up as the grim reaper as promised on the Trans world entertainment big box cover. The only actor who worked again was Jeannetta Arnette and she ended up on Head of the Class but avoided the slimy grasp of Howard Hessman.

Troll Toll.... What you Say??

There is one scene that I almost didn’t believe really happened, it involves a puppet and a blow torch. The redeemer has one disguise where he just wears and oversized novelty mustache and seems to have evil animatronic pals like Dr. Phibes, who as we all know delves out Hebrew justice not Christian style, that’s just too out there man! This was released by Code Red apparently but as most collectors know that means it’s either a total rip off or out of print. There’s always Youtube though, go out of your way to check it out. 2 big thumbs up!

Randy from Pee Wees playhouse as Bob Ginty in The Exterminator 3.