USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK BONUS POST: Pandemonium

Pandemonium Directed By Alfred Sole, Starring Carol Kane (1982).

This was actually a Commander USA Groovie Movie pick according to the Youtube video I watched it on but it still counts in my book! The Commander was always a welcome site while channel surfing in the late 80s, he was portrayed by Jim Hendricks, a struggling actor and part time cabbie. He had that hipster Ghoulardi style lingo down, only with more of a Jersey gripe. There's a cool interview with him on Temple Of Schlock (link). And he also showed up in American Scary, the horror host documentary.

 It’s to be seen on your drug of choice, not that we condone that sort of thing Sargent Stadanko. My brain almost erupted from my skull cavity when I discovered that Alfred Sole, the same dude who directed the ultra creepy, masterful slasher Alice Sweet Alice, made this one as well. I would say that everyone must've been clamoring to appear in his next film, but then I forgot about the abysmal Tuna's Island (I mean Tanya's Island review here ). Let’s see—there’s a bazillion B-rate and cult celebs in this one. We’ve got Pee Wee Herman who has a coke snorting horse, David” Squiggy Lander, Tab Hunter, Carol Kane, who does a Carrie impression decades before all the weak ass remakes clogged up the cinematic toilet. A pre-Fast Times Judge Reinhold, Phil Hartman-- OK, Jeez, you get it there’s enough famous people to sink the Love Boat! The main character is a mid 30’s cheerleader played by Candice Azzara (who is allegedly related to my Aunt Beatty, at least that’s what my dad mentioned when we watched Fatso with Dom Deluise when I was a youngster).

It’s on the cheesy level of a shitty horror parody like Rockula or Full Moon High but more Laugh-in or Carol Burnett Vaudeville style tongue in cheek. Tab Hunter possibly thought this was Grease 3, or just needed a quick paycheck. Actually the style of humor is a lot like D.C. Follies, I still can't believe that Freddy Krueger showed up on an episode.  

quit Bogarting those rails ya stupid fucking horse!

Carol Kane shoots red lasers out of her eye sockets and they goof on Carrie, it’s more funny in a ‘what the fuck am I watching kind of way”, now would be a good time to smoke up or drink some high gravity Steel Reserve, it’ll help I promise.

Debra Lee Scott, who I think is strangely attractive is featured. When I mentioned her on Twitter, Skunkape said she looked like Carrot Top. This is the guy who used to bring in Fatliners, a morbidly obese porn to terrify students in our TV production class. Judge Reinhold has a hideous bleach blonde dye job. The most disappointing part of the film is that there are tons of hot chicks and not of them take off their clothes. One girl gets a drill with a toothbrush attached shoved down her throat but that's just icky, not sexy. I mean if you're that dentist character in Bloodsucking Freaks you might get a boner.

This is less humiliating than Ishtar but on the same level as Kimmy Schmidt

There’s a really offensive part where they have a Japanese airline with the stewardess dressed like Godzilla and they do that mock "ching chongy" Asian accent--NOT COOL. Candice, who has really nice boobs, gets into a bath tub filled with milk and is surrounded by those Repo Man style generic cookies, why? Because it’s supposed to be funny? It's definitely a goofy experience and shouldn't be watched sober but I dug it!

the secret sauce at Captain Hook Fish & Chips is semen.

Alright, so until next year, this is USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK signing off, our last ditch effort to drag in more readers! Reflect Jack Handy style on what's been written for the next few weeks, remember it's only a blog and reading is fundamental or something. Thanks to everyone who helped out! We dedicate this week to not only the ghosts of the USA pre-internet network but also to James Harris (Dr. Terror) who we lost to cancer last month.

THIS MOVIE MAKES RICH HALL, CHARLES ROCKET ERA SNL LOOK LIKE CHAPPELLE SHOW.

SEE YA NEXT YEAR CREEPS! UNTIL NEXT TIME READ WHAT'S HERE.

                                        

Tanya's Island

Tanya's Island (Beast of Love, The Pristine Island). Directed By Alfred Sole, starring D.D. Winters aka Vanity (1980).

For some reason this very scandalous film never shows up online, but since it's here, I figured I'd capture the elusive bastard before it disappears into the void. I never cared to order it back in the bootleg days, because I already had a copy of that Vanity Playboy. Tanya doesn't have much going for it, unless you really like Prince protege Vanity or apes. It's kind of a downer that both of them are current drug casualties, 6 feet below taking dirt naps.

In my review for Mistress of the Apes, another monkey love tale, I said Rob Bottin and Rick Baker returned a year later for this outing. In that decade they were the go-to chimp experts until Joe Dante had them sluicing around in werewolf spittle. You may think "this one can't be worse than a Larry Buchanan movie" I'm not sure myself, but I'm going to dive head first into this pit of Cro-Magnon feces and banana peels and see what happens--join me won't you?

Vanity bares it all, maybe a little too much--I mean the credits float by over her hairy vagina ("Vagina", which according to Les Fabian Brathwaite of out.com was Prince's dubbed pseudonym for her before she dropped that misogynistic bullshit and went with her famous nom de plume).

Sorry Charlie only grade A Tuna, I'm the catch of the day

The Deep Red catalog is such a rich tapestry of fascinating titles, as far as I can tell the only reason this "erotic" bestiality tale is included is because of the Alfred "Alice Sweet Alice" Sole connection or the aforementioned Rob Bottin. There were a lot of D'Amato "adults only" titles that pervs would order who couldn't be bothered to throw on their raincoats and masturbate in public at a dingy theater or rent them at their local porn video shack. I was just mentioning to Goat how Joey D is one of the most creative and original porn directors out there, I mean there's gore, a decent storyline the most offensive part is the actual sex (well lets strike that and say the snuff is more vile, since we're not dealing with an ordinary filmmaker).

mustache rides by appointment only

So already here we've got an abusive boyfriend named Lobo played by Richard not Dick Sargent, I was dying when I saw that! They establish all this taboo beast assaulting ladies kind of racist bullshit early on by showing clips of Mighty Joe Young. Also Vanity strutting around half naked in a daze by spear holding savages. 8 minutes in, I'm already scratching my head in confusion (don't worry I'm not transforming into an orangutan).

Oh shit, I need to come down, hand me a bunch of Vs and a cold orange

I gotta say the cinematography by Mark Irwin is pretty sweet, if only it wasn't wasted on a dopey flick like this! This is a Canadian production and Irwin worked for Cronenberg a few times so its not too outlandish.We see Tanya's hershey chocolate areola's and merkin so much you might think she's a poor man's Laura Gemser (just check out the poster above for more clues). I'm just getting a Blue Lagoon vibe as opposed to a jungle misadventure vibe from this flick for some reason. I kind of hope they run into Mark "Warty Balls" Shannon--you know a movie sucks when you wish you turned on a Joey D "Cat Island" flick instead.

I sure hope they have topical ball rash cream on the mainland

So Lobo (Sargent) and Tanya (Vanity) miraculously appear on a tropical island, nope no set up or reason--why would you need one? The boyfriend character is a major dick (or a total Richard)! He's abusive and just plain weird, his idea of a funny joke is stuffing his ears and nose with toilet paper and then popping up out of the sand at the precise moment to piss her off.

The only Corona commercial that causes STDs

She ventures down into a cave where the humongous baboon emerges from and even later on gets all dolled up for him. She looks like one of those babes on a 60's lounge record and calls her new animal pal Blue because of his sparkling peepers. Don McLeod who wore the costume was also the ape who raped Clarence Beeks from Trading Places while Al Franken and Tom Davis encouraged that vicious assault. To be fair, they didn't know it was a human in a gorilla costume.

This isn't working out, you're too clingy

There's an underlying message of white male inadequacy against a powerful sexual beast that makes this more of a fetish film. If this flick wasn't so moronic I would say it's trying to be racist or hateful. Lobo is obviously jealous of the creature because he can't satisfy Tanya and locks him in a bamboo cage. Be warned, this movie might cause you to become stupider and lower your sperm count. 
I feel as if my brain is . . . Yuck I need to lie down. Tune in next time, I have to recuperate now.


DON'T BOTHER! CAUSES BRAIN HEMORAGES

Gone With The Pope

GONE WITH THE POPE (Kiss the Ring) Directed By Duke Mitchell, Starring Duke Mitchell (1975/2010).

Had Duke Mitchell been only known as "Mr. Palm Springs", the singing voice of Fred Flintstone and a close personal friend to "Old Blue Eyes", exploitation film fans would've been totally unaware of his legacy. I don't know what possessed Duke to make "Mafia Massacre Style" (aka The Executioner), but I'm so grateful that he decided to because it's one of the craziest, ballsiest Wopsploitation films ever. Mitchell is not a trained actor by any means, but his presence and natural ability is so genuinely infectious, that it never matters in the slightest and you even root for him. Mafia Massacre Style is a complete film and the reason Gone With The Pope is here for the world to watch is because Duke's son Jeff Mitchell (who also contributed a fuzzed out rock number for Pope) met with Bob Murawski and Bill Lustig (who were major fans of MMS) and they were delighted to find that this lost film was available.

Then years and years went by and many exclusive midnight screenings were presented by Grindhouse Releasing until finally this jam packed Blu-Ray/DVD became available, is it any good, was it worth it . . . kinda.

If you are a fan of homespun grime or just want to see more adventures with Duke Mitchell, then you will eat it up like Manicotti smothered in copious levels of mozzarella and cigarette butts. There's something magical about non actors (no one can claim that this choice was due to Neo Realism unfortunately however). Duke's buddies were just that, his real pals fucking around on film, which chugs along in an odd way, too many ideas were spit balled and tried out, they kind of work and even if they don't, it's all sublimely entertaining!

How do I work this Fuggin thing anyway?

Duke does a Biblical soliloquy during the credits that ends in a joke. We dissolve into cartoony Dick Tracy style gangsters who are nervous about the FBI. It seems as if we're off on the same track as Massacre, but hold on a minute because this movie switches gears a lot. You have to just ingest the weirdness, don't try to bottle it up, let it evolve and maybe you'll be on board with the strange pacing of this unfinished flick.

real Mafia guys are probably burying someone in the desert right now

Mitchell is Paul, a "nice" wise guy who everyone in jail is sad to see go, he wants to hop on a boat where there are no laws (Ahem what about Maritime laws, you mook)?! On the sea, Paul thinks he'll be free from all the oppression. Next he goes to see his wooden acting wife Jean, who's the cleanest thing in his life--just call her "Clean Jean". Why can't he be content with his straight laced wife and dog named Hamlet, possibly because the ocean is calling his name and he has to extort all the Catholics in the world. I mean that's the premise of this film, he's going to hold the Pope for ransom until all his followers pay a dollar. Had this film never come out, the trailer alone would've remained legendary (just like another one of my all time favorite previews that never emerged; Shock Tilt). The erroneous dialogue about "guys getting wacked, drifts over prime vintage Vegas footage" and the musical stylings of Frankie Carr & The Novelettes, who were obviously a real club act they just decided to film to bring color to an already saturated 70's Ambrosia salad of delights.

musical barf!

Pope comes off like a glorious home movie, man those casino lights just shine like crummy evil diamonds! You sense the frenzy of top notch editors behind the scenes, furiously trying to make some semblance of this lost film. And I am glad this DVD exists, even with all its exposed boils and warts, it's very surreal.

Paul guns down Papa Georgio with his "italian sausage" buddy as Jeff Mitchell's crunchy "Jack Knife" song blasts away in a James Gang doom-rock sort of way.

my cousin Miguel Angel Fuentes was in The Puma Man

The racist vibes start reaching an uncomfortable level as Paul dances with a black hooker, then they screw. He mentions that her pubes look like Brillo, which is hilarious because the hair on his head matches her crotch. You can't really get politically correct in an exploitation film, but it's seriously uncomfortable when he racks up the "fried chicken watermelon or do the windows jokes". The way she giggles as he says venomous shit, makes it seem like it's their fetish role-play!

This ain't affirmative action

After some ugliness, a boat is chartered and Paul and his cronies hit the high seas (he maps everything out like a Sicilian Steve Zissou). There's almost no character establishment, things just occur and you're constantly aware that Mitchell probably never intended for this to ever come out. And yet, as dopey and stuck together with sticky tape and bubblegum it is, it's actually endearing and a fun time.

The Life Moronic with Salvatore Zissourelli

It turns out Mitchell's character is the only non Religious one, out of his frightened buddies, who feel that it's a sin to steal the Pope. It's a good thing one of their pals looks exactly like the famed Padre and they can dupe Rome into thinking their Holy Father is still in the Vatican. Just before the whole kidnapping goes down though, this ginormous fat woman is stripped and almost gang banged by the two elderly gagootz! In the extras they mention how John Waters was an influence and they found her at a crummy all night diner. I have severe doubts about whether this girl wants to be seen this way, it's pretty offensive and humiliating.

Fatliners 3 : The Search for more meatballs

The Pope boards the boat and works his magic on all of Paul's scumbag friends, successfully converting all, accept their leader of course, it's a touching scene. Mitchell's speech to the Catholic father is actually moving and one of the best moments in the film. Maybe he should've checked to see if his cronies were Atheists, because they all turn against him and want to leave in peace, absolved of all their sins. Then they all split up and go their separate ways as Paul celebrates Christmas with his wife and dog. After that scene, it gets so random and bizarre that it seems as if a bunch of inserts were spliced together, he's at the racetrack in a Spaghetti Western get-up, stabs some guy, then sees an eyeless vision of the holy Mother, finally running toward the screen in super slo-mo. What was Duke's original intent for the ending--I guess we'll never know. The finale we're left with is silly and uneven, the editors worked overtime trying to fix it and did the best they could with what little source material was available and it's commendable.

Give us some credit Crank! 

From what cinematographer Peter Santoro says in interviews, everyone had tons of ideas and he busted his ass to get it on screen in a sloppy way (and he didn't ever see the dailies as it was happening). My advice is to see Massacre Mafia Style and if you aren't won over by it's charm, don't bother watching this or Bela Lugosi and a Brooklyn Gorilla, because you won't enjoy yourself. 

 BUY HERE

Abar: The Black Superman

Abar, The Black Superman ( In Your Face) Directed By Frank Packard, Starring Tobar Mayo (1977). 

I first heard of this film by way of Psychotronic Video, one of my most treasured source books. After Fangoria went hardcore mainstream, I gave up on them and discovered the Michael Weldon publication then never looked back. They made it sound so bizarre, that I had to check it out. I rented it in Berkeley at Reel Video, a long lost cult video store on tape under the Xenon Films title of "In Your Face". The cover is a real beauty, it's got a chubby angry guy who sort of looks like Abdullah The Butcher making a crazy face while a 2 Live Crew looking babe attached to his arm makes a duck face.

At the time there were a lot of these Dolemite videos and they all had a similar image only this time it wasn't Rudy Ray Moore, but some miscellaneous dude that never appears in the film (the cover is pretty brilliant though--I couldn't resist!)

The Bad Bunch got me thinking about this film, they are both poorly filmed and centered around a racist environment and use Martin Luther King to illustrate a point. This film however, as inept at it may seem, is much better than the Greydon Clark one in my opinion. 

Dr Kinkade (J. Walter Smith), An African American scientist and his family move on up to one of the most disgustingly racist white suburbs. The film gets all the semantics out of the way by immediately establishing how fucked up the white folks are because they see black people moving in and assume that they must be the help!

It's even more frightening to me that this attitude continues to exist even today in America disguised as Patriotism when its really Nationalism or Nativism. Mabel (Dee Turguand) a vile bigot goes apeshit, once she realizes blacks have polluted her white neighborhood and this film came out in the free wheeling multiculturalism era of 1977! This film bangs you over the head with the racist message that certain white people refuse to accept an educated rich African American, it's pure exploitation (I guess whitesploitation could work, but that's feeling sorry for these low life scumfucks)! 

You don't wanna know what she's saying here

Nazis start picketing Dr. K's lawn and white businessman enter his house and try to buy them out. The Dr. mentions that he's had to move three times in a month and won't budge! I admire his conviction and detest every white face I see in this film. Abar really does its job in making you feel embarrassed by white folk's idiotic behavior. I wonder what people thought at the time they filmed this? This movie is very political and even makes you think that this type of rampant ignorance still exists (I mean, just look at the all white Republican controlled congress). 

The social commentary is razor sharp and elevates whatever cheap shoddy elements they patched this film together with. John Abar (Tobar Mayo) shows up with his group "the black front of unity" and tries to convince the doc that he should move back to the ghetto and not make a spectacle out of himself. Mayo is the only actor in the film with any other screen credits like Killer of Sheep and Escape From New York.

It's ABAR Not Babar, do I look like a honky elephant to you?

Abar and his bikers are sort of like the  guardian angels accept not useless and follow Malcolm X's motto instead of non-violent resistance.

The Doc has an ace up his sleeve, because he has a secret formula that can transform anyone into a super crime fighter! Two crackers in denim outfits whistle Dixie and try to hurt the doctor, but Abar swoops in and punches them out. Dr Kinkade's family are suffering for their fathers principles but he has conviction and stands his ground. The interior of their house has a lot of red walls for some reason. The Doctor approaches Abar, while he preaches on the street to his flock in the ghetto, this is where he convinces him to undergo experimental injections. Mabel the racist bitch faints just before calling Dr. K's son a "pickaninny" and who's there to help out but the only capable doctor in the vicinity. I think he should've let her slip into a coma but his devotion to the hippocratic oath is commendable.

Dr. K's brother shows up in the most ridiculous way possible, by sneaking around in a Halloween mask in the dead of night! This idiot almost gets choked out by Abar, who seems to have moved in the guest room.

You know you could've rung the door bell ya dumb ass!

After awhile it gets quiet, but  you still expect the white people to do something fucked up-- I mean this movie really taps into that old notion "don't trust whitey" they are the monstrous villains of this film.

Dr Kinkade's poor son gets run over by some shit head attempting to blow up the doctors house with dynamite. After the death, they both discuss Dr. King's life and commitment to non-violent protest. The doctor berates him, using psychology to coerce Abar into taking the injection that will make him indestructible (they prove how it works by shooting a rabbit a bunch of times and it still lives), no animals were harmed thankfully. 

A bunch of racist cops go all "Rodney King (or Michael Brown R.I.P.)" on Abar and blow him away, luckily he took the super serum and strikes back with a vengeance!  

These mealworms could use some Crystal Hotsauce

He uses his powers to change the ghetto by first stopping graffiti, then wino's booze transforms into milk, people eat worms and other random events happen as he stares into the camera and strange wind noises are heard. Although I wonder if he's really using his powers for good? At any rate the last few minutes get really wacky and we also learn that Mabel is holding on to a secret connected to her hatred of black people (and it doesn't justify her reprehensible behavior). Abar is a clunky blaxploitation flick with an uplifting message that overshadows the technical difficulties, definitely check it out!

The Bad Bunch

The Bad Bunch (Tom, Nigger Lover, America the Beautiful, Kiss the Establishment Goodbye) Dir. Greydon Clark (1972).

Jim is a hair hopping ex G.I. creepo in this inept, rundown dime store blaxploitation flick. The director Greydon Clark who also stars in it, is the same director I fondly remember as the guy who made Joysticks, one of the most retarded arcade themed punk sex comedies of the 80s. That film would pair up well with Surf 2 as a throw caution to the wind punxploitation beach party blast. An alternate title for the Bad Bunch was "Nigger lover" which is as jaw droppingly offensive as it gets!

Just as Wes Craven cathartically crafted LHOTL as a response to Vietnam and the "American nuclear family, this is Greydon's oddball response to Vietnam, he uses a Martin Luther King quote at the end of the film, which really doesn't smooth things over. All the characters in this film are hateful and shallow, they'd stab each other in the back with no remorse whatsoever. The second half kind of degenerates into a pool party, so it's not all pain and misery.

Ever heard of affirmative action?

 The unrelenting racism viciously spat by the stereotypical cops is paint peelingly abrasive! The brunt is softened by the ugly thrift store production design and melodrama (which in the second act threatens to sink the film's political momentum). Aldo Ray (who Quentin Tarantino has an unwarranted boner for) plays one of the cracker moron cops. Ray has had an insane career to say the least, he's appeared in good trash like Human Experiments, Hollywood Cop and Shock 'Em Dead (one of my favorites, which was his last film). Ed Cobb, who wrote some of the best tunes for The Standells and The Chocolate Watchband did the surprisingly tepid flavorless score. I can only imagine he got in a horrendous accident and lost his edge.

I murdered Greg Brady and took over as Johnny Bravo

The premise of Bad Bunch is basically about how even though soldiers are united in combat after the war, things are still as racially divided as they were in the 50s on the callous streets of Los Angeles. Clark shows up in the ghetto to deliver something to his black friend and is met with not only distain but a few knuckle sandwiches. He's called an "n-word lover" by the cops and is basically on his own. You might feel sorry for him until it's revealed that he's a lecherous spineless jerk who cheats on his hippie girlfriend and is generally unlikeable ( he seems to be wearing an ill fitting wig as well). His two adorable girlfriends are played by Jacqueline Cole (who later appeared in Joysticks) and Bambi Allen a sexploitation actress who died of cancer tragically at a young age. According to Sam Sherman, her death was attributed to primitive and dangerous silicon breast implant surgery.

Whatever man, Bobby likes my Richard Pryor impression

This film is a train wreck on the level of Blood Freak (the film stock and ugliness are its only connections) so don't look for any LSD laced turkeys. As far as Blaxploitation goes it's on the same inept level of "In Your Face" (or "Abar The First Black Superman") by Frank Packard, which has a million alternate titles and the same level of zero production value that gives it all kinds of charm. (I liked that film a little more and they both close with quotes by Dr. King). Clark was also a Z-grade actor who worked almost exclusively with Al Adamson and played Acid, one of the bikers in Satan's Sadists. He directed Shout Factory's recently released Without Warning (which I totally hated)! Even though he's made some of the most laughable clunkers like Final Justice with Joe Don Baker and the enormously popular Satan's Cheerleaders, you gotta admire the guts on this guy, I mean he just incapsulates that underdog work ethic, which is admirable and I enjoyed The Bad Bunch even with all its flaws and dopiness. Get drunk and keep your brain turned off or you may get pissed off at the failed attempts at social commentary. Fandor, one of the best streaming sites has it available to watch.

Nothing like a refreshing Ginger Ale after coitus

Can't we all just get along?

I bet that Snoopy poster would look groovy on some acid

Hippie Dan Clowes here reminding you to curb your dogs

WATCH HERE