Nomad Riders

Nomad Riders Directed By Frank Roach, starring a bunch of nobodies (1984).

Frank Roach who made Frozen Terror, one of the shittiest video nasty flicks of all time directed this solid biker flick. You may remember his last film, which was on the chopping block for a heated debate between Crank and Webberly Rattenkraft (actually it was more of a solid agreement that we felt it sucked balls). This is his second and last film then he completely disappeared into obscurity, maybe he did some of the technical advising on Sons of Anarchy or was Peggy Bundy's hair extension guy/fluffer?

only Roach-clip can satisfy my lady boner

If you're thinking Pete Fonda or Bruce Dern style biker movie, any second I should hear some Davie Allan and The Arrows or fuzz guitar, cross that off your expect the unexpected list. This unconventional biker flick has a seriously 80s slasher film type score that's incredible, if the movie itself weren't so cheese-tacular, I'd say it outshines what's on screen, but damn it Roach if you didn't nail it this time!

Office attired corporate jerks are responsible for burning Steve Thrust (whatta name!), the main character's wife and child alive and setting the fuse of vengeance. They seem to have gone to the Leonard Smalls academy of picking on fragile creatures only because they target grandmas and unnecessary threats. This is like a no budget rejected Cannon flick or something Amir Shirvan wishes he could achieve!

The Smalls academy promotes extreme prejudice against hamsters and nana's kneecaps

Thrust looks sort of like Richard Belzer in the 70s. Bronco, a Barry White looking dude fends off the same bikers from the beginning with an electric saw.

you've been THRUSTER STRUCK

Steve always wears all tan and beige or cream colored suits, even though it's supposedly 1984. They play this bad punk music that sounds as if Ray Jay Johnson and Kraftwerk teamed up. Steve's Buddy Charlie staked out the biker's hideout which has lots of skanks and even a gypsy!

There's one smiley enthusiastic stripper who looks like she stepped out of the JC Penny lingerie catalog. It's available on Fandor and it's fucking insanely fun, get a trial and go out of your way to see it!
AVAILABLE ON FANDOR.

These jeans really show case my FUPA

John Fogerty wipes out another CCR casualty

Diabolical Inheritance

Diabolical Inheritance Directed By Alfredo Salazar, Starring Margarito (1994).

Man I gotta watch more Telenovelas or at least ones as demented as this shit! I was raiding the mondo exploito.com archives and came across what looked like a midget in Ronald Mcdonald greasepaint mugging at the camera with a toothy smile, based on that alone, I was sold! I knew I had to put in the call to my number one dealer in hard to find off the beaten path wackiness, Mr. Skunkape. Of course he never lets me down and is the reason this site has stayed afloat for all these years. I do the finger clickity clackin', he does the movie trappin' or something like that. I mean I can’t find everything on Fandor or back alley Salvation Army dumpsters.

The production values are low as fuck, we're talking Fisher Price camcorder style. There's a hideous sex scene that's heavy with shadows layered upon more darkness and confusion, but stick around no matter how tedious the storyline gets because there’s a Grimace cookie waiting for you in a pile of fetid fly covered $ menu cheeseburgers.

I got the dia-beet-tus

It takes place in Mexico, which is oddly topical now considering there’s an authentic Oompa Loomp clown now residing in the white house and all the intolerance toward Latinos. Don’t worry I refuse to go on a political tirade, there’s years of that bullshit everywhere else online. It's even more relevant with the rise of scary clowns making an appearance in different areas and frightening the shit outta people lately. And there's the endless debate whether Guy Fieri, the singer of Smash Mouth and ICP are all the same person, but that's another story. Anyway on with the review.

Clown lives matter Yo!

After Tony’s Aunt croaks, he inherits a creepy old mansion, a pretty typical set up for a haunted house movie but this one really delivers in the unintentionally funny department. There’s lots of slow-mo falls over buildings, down stairs and Margarito Esparza Nevares, the elderly little person who plays the doll is terrifying. He carries the entire production and does a genius job, sadly Margarito just died a few months ago.

used to be available for parties and school events

Tony (Roberto Guinar) scoffs at his girlfriend fretting over the attic, which is filled with demon masks and Satanic bibles. Red flags are waving all over the place, but nobody heeded the warning of course until it’s too late. The two women in Tony’s life are pretty attractive, one of them gets naked but you can hardly see her body, it’s encased in a squiggle fog of video haze. Later on after his girlfriend gets into a horrible accident he moves on real fast and ends up with his hot blonde secretary. They don’t have as much as a split second memorial, just some flowers are quickly placed on her tomb and then it’s off with his new lady friend—that’s cold blooded!

There’s one insane part where Roy, Tony's chubby cheeked Campbell kid looking son and his blonde sitter played by Lorena Herrera visit an insane park. This place is off the chain, there's nursery rhyme statues, actual monkeys swinging around next to ducks above a pond and a giant King Kong statue that moves and blinks it’s eyes—I almost did a spit take on my computer and fried the hard drive.

you know what would go well with my clown midget burrito, some plantains.

It almost gets into Black Devil Doll from Hell rape territory during a dream sequence, but that doesn’t pan out. The most skeeved out I reacted was when a a sleeping hobo gets gouged by a jagged bottle in the head by the short clown, I mean it was just fucked up, nobody deserves that kind of punishment!

While you're up can you grab me a fruit roll-up?

The nightmare fuel rapidly increases into a crescendo of cackles and video tracking shakes. At 1:20 minutes there’s just so much to enjoy, thanks again to Mondo Exploito for turning me onto this warped little flick! I haven't looked it up, but this seems like a prime Video Vortex pick, I'm guessing it will eventually show up on the roster and is just as demented and tedious as you'd expect but I dug every frame of it!

IF YOU CAN FIND IT, GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO GET A COPY, MORE FUN THAN A HORDE OF CLOWNS FEASTING ON BEEF AND COCAINE!

AND,

Since we don't clown around, we're proud to present this

Trailer That Smells!

Satans Sadists

Satan's Sadists (Nightmare Bloodbath) Directed By Al Adamson, starring Bud Cardos (1969).

This was the first Al Adamson flick I'd ever seen period! I've been trying to revisit his work recently and Fandor has fed my addiction. He's just brings that irresistible goofy level of schlock and menace that works well together and everything looks like a hideous Castle Berry Pit beef BBQ drive-in sandwich ad.

Almost makes you wanna puke your guts out

2 mins in, we're treated to an acid soaked gang rape by some of the wackiest looking bikers led by Russ "chocki / David Cross' current father in law" Tamblyn. The bikers all look like they're at a cosplay rally (Mrs. Adamson aka Regina Carol looks like a sweaty, run thru the wringer version of Nancy Sinatra). There's Acid (Greydon Clark, who also wrote the script, he's shitty genius film maker in his own right), here he looks like a fake Lee Hazlewood. It's kind of interesting that a fake singing duo like Hazlewood and Sinatra are in the same movie, they should've put on a trashy Reno tribute act to fund some of the budget! The theme song is a schmaltzy ballad that's "I'll Never Fall in Love" by Tom Jones stolen and reworked with lyrics about killing for Satan! If you're not sold by now that you must immediately track down this flick, there's no hope for you in my mind!

I threw my rancid panties at Tom Jones but he tossed them back!

Acid (or the "Some Velvet Morning" singer clone) reads up on pot while the other hippy dippy creeps gyrate to the sounds of ear torture. Wait a minute-- we've got a second rate celeb in our midst, Lawrence Tierney's brother is present, you might remember him as the cop from Gremlins. They pick up a giant eared drifter who was a former marine played by Adamson regular Gary Kent.

A female waitress/geology student rides around in a sweet dune buggy, in fact it looks almost exactly like the cartoon Speed Buggy!

Hey Speed Buggy make sure you bring us back that money so we can smoke more angel dust

Kent, Tierney and his wife all end up at the roadside stop where she works, don't look now but I smell a biker takeover coming up soon! Obviously they show up with their fugly crew, one character played by Bud Cardos, has a weird Mohawk and the skin complexion of a hotdog! Tamblin wears a big oversized lady hat and granny glasses, he looks almost like a midget or Paul Williams with a colander over his head. His hat is totally over his eyes, I'd imagine him bumping into walls.

The camera does a bunch of Laugh In zoom ins and outs as the dudes stick their tongues out--VERY REBELLIOUS! 

Can I use your bathroom, I ate too many roadside Gorditas.

Eventually they get rapey with these poor girls minding their own business and they all wear Swastikas but seem more like Scooby Doo villains than white supremacists. Back then Bikers just all flirted with fascism it was trendy! The labels on their sad sack jackets look like they're about to peel off. Why do they want to give everyone acid, I guess that's what bikers do?

I'm Van Morrison and Paul William's unwanted love child

Kent doles out the pain on the white trash, starting off with a swirly and cracks open one dude's face. It looks like they poured ketchup on his head that streamed down symmetrically.

It's difficult to make a biker flick interesting and this one runs on fumes, it's very derivative, it's only strong point is the Sadists all look really stupid. No one has any personality and there's no real message (even when Tamblyn goes into a speech about the generation gap it seems false and phoned in). At an hour and change, It's not even that long but it feels like four hours! 

I'm listening to Dino Desi and Billy on this groovy ipod  

We've covered a few bikers films on the site like thee mother of all inept genius road hog flicks The Northville Cemetery Massacre, the tepid Peace Killers is still on the agenda, but this one is too watered down for its own good. They spend at least 40 minutes wandering around the desert, man I'm getting sleepy! Greydon Clark, the guy who plays Acid directed Joysticks, The Bad Bunch and The Uninvited (1988) one of the best killer cat movies practically of all time! One of the most fascinating aspects of the film is that it was shot at the Spahn Ranch while the Manson Family prowled the area, they even watched the production. Tamblyn was also in The Female Bunch, another Manson-sploitaton flick shot there, they were pretty lucky to make it out alive if you ask me.

I thought She Devils on Wheels was dull but this one makes it look like a non stop cavalcade of perversion! I'd rather listen to the worst Standells record than suffer through this one and if you don't get that reference... flake off!

ALL CARICATURES AND NO SUBSTANCE, NEEDS ANGELO ROSSITTO TO BRIGHTEN IT UP!

AVAILABLE ON FANDOR!