USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: THE CHILDREN

The Children Directed By Max Kalmanowicz, Starring Gale Garnett (1980).

Review By Dave Konsanke


Erok (aka Crank) here with another special guest writer Mr. Dave Kosanke from zines like Liquid Cheese, a super fun horror one and T.O.S.S. which brings you the finest in dirt on the vintage porn world! Here he waxes nostalgia-like about another USA show which I wasn't familiar with, I mean there were a shit ton of good ones. We're overexcited to have this contribution and we hope you appreciate it. Take it away Dave! Order copies of his fine magazine at this link http://liquidcheesefanzine.storenvy.com/

My teenage years in the early to mid ‘80s were largely spent in front of a television screen on Saturday nights. While others preferred to ‘drink, dope and smoke’ I was content watching cable T.V. all night long. I wasn’t frying my brain on drugs but on psychotronic emissions from the cathode ray tube!

The Saturday night ritual usually started at 5:05 p.m. central time zone when WTBS (Ted Turner’s baby) aired their weekly NWA championship wrestling show (which would later morph into WCW). When that ended promptly at 7:05 p.m. I’d flip the channel over to the USA Network. One of their key shows was Saturday Nightmares. They would air a horror film usually bookended by episodes of Ray Bradbury Theater or Alfred Hitchcock Presents (newer episodes, not the classic black and white). While I didn’t religiously follow Saturday Nightmares every week, one movie in particular made quite an impression…THE CHILDREN.

Gasp! Sat. Nightmares had no horror host behind the wheel.

My chief complaint with Saturday Nightmares (or any regular cable channel offering that wasn’t ‘premium’) was that the films were edited for ‘content.’ I recall a FRIDAY THE 13^th marathon served up on the USA Network that was shorn of all of the nudity (although the violence was intact as far as I can remember). No boobs on the boobtube was a ‘no-no’ for this budding teenager! Anyhow I was fascinated with THE CHILDREN primarily because I hadn’t heard of it before. Or maybe it was because there wasn’t anything else on TV that night. Either way I was interested enough to stick it out for 2 hours (with commercials of course).

OMG, cover up those boobs I'm offended as a conservative Christian!

The small town of Ravensback has a problem. Due to a ‘pressure drop’ at their nuclear generating facility, mysterious gas seeps forth. A greenish cloud soon envelops a road whereupon a school bus innocently plows through. The children on board appear to be in the 8 to 10 year old range. They sing praises to the bus driver Fred. Now I don’t know about you, but when I growing up kids never liked the bus driver. However as we are about to learn, these aren’t ‘normal’ offspring.

Time passes and Sheriff Hart happens to notice the school bus parked on the side of the road. Strangely enough nobody is on board. Not only that but the kids belongings are still on the seats. The viewer can spy a 1979 issue of Newsweek boasting “Hollywood’s Scary Summer” on the cover as Ripley looks scared (from ALIEN of course). Anyhow the Sheriff starts combing the area, looking for those ‘darn kids.’ On his travels he ‘interrogates’ some interesting neighbors. For some reason a topless gal (lounging at the side of a swimming pool) is flanked by a muscle bound dude lifting weights?!? Later on this Guido/Disco/Pimp pulls into the town. Oddly enough, these characters make an instant impression but are soon forgotten. Hmmm.

Wait, these hugs are less fun than drugs!

Once the viewer spies these kids they appear somewhat normal…except for black fingernails (don’t worry this was in the pre-goth days). They approach concerned adults with outstretched arms. However their grasp should have a ‘caution flammable material’ sticker, because those hands are fiery death! The adults of Ravensback are soon crispy critters. The children’s aim is to apparently wipe out all of their parents and any other older folks that get in their way, including Molly, who runs the local store.

As time goes on the only two parents seemingly left alive are John & Cathy. Cathy is with child and their son is actually the only tot untainted in the area (he missed school). By the way I should mention that this kid knows where it’s at judging by the SUPERMAN, SPIDERMAN and THE MUPPETS posters on his walls!

At this point Ravensback is surrounded by darkness as night falls. The children close in on them in fashionable NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD mode. Much like Romero’s pesky zombies, these moppets bounce right back up after a bullet hit. Yes that’s right…Sheriff Hart pulls a Popeye moment (“I can only stands so much…I can’t stands no more!”) and performs the ‘shoot first’ law enforcement credo on little kids! Whole-Lee-Sheet! Yet those guns are no match for our terrible tykes. It takes a sword (well positioned on a wall) to do ‘em in. One kid has his hands lopped off, and whammo! Instant death!

EEK! Get away from me gratuitous mop-topped kid from every doomed sitcom!

Before you know it all hands are off and the broods bodies start to fill up the yards and houses. Just as morning breaks, Cathy has those pains every expecting mother knows oh-so-well. John helps out with the impromptu birth. Their baby looks healthy enough…but what about those dark colored fingernails?!?!?

At one moment in the film a news report suggests that other kids in the tristate area have also been infected. It’s another aspect of the script that isn’t answered. Are more children committing acts of murder? Who knows? In any event THE CHILDREN is played straight and exudes a morbid atmosphere. Granted a lot of credit for the ‘horror mood’ goes to composer Henry Manfredini who whips up some Psycho-esque strings that would serve him well on the original FRIDAY THE 13^th (which kinda/sorta catapulted him to stardom).

UGHH, where's the nearest Hot Topic.

Watching this on the USA Network oh-so-long-ago was an unforgettable moment. I found that aforementioned ‘horror mood’ quite palpable. It’s a film that stays with you…long after you’ve changed the channel. USA had some pretty cool stuff on their regular programming during the ‘80s. Even though Saturday Nightmares didn’t have a host, at least the films they showed were a nice mix off oddball and popular. Yet the USA Network also had Commander USA’s Groovie Movies and later Rhonda Shear’s Up All Night! Both were on my radar. I would shove a blank VHS tape into the recorder and get bits of Rhonda in skimpy attire (which was basically every episode) or catch some cheesecake moment while flipping channels. These tapes would inevitably end with videos recorded off MTV’s Headbangers Ball which is how my Saturday nights would end. After that it was sleep before waking up a few hours later to deliver newspapers or make breakfast at McDonalds (my first paying jobs).

We want our own Brokeback Mountain style movie

But back to THE CHILDREN. Watching it now feels like an extended moment from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD where little Kyra Schon reaches out for her parents only to act out violently. Even her look isn’t that far removed from how the children look. As taboo trashing at it was (?) to kill kids on screen, that didn’t stop the film from playing on cable TV, much less find life on home video (it was eventually released on a 5 inch disc courtesy of Troma). It will for forever be one of my most treasured movie moments from that exalted network.


AVAILABLE TO WATCH EITHER ON THE TROMA YT CHANNEL OR HULU.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: PART 2

Return of the Living Dead 2 Directed By Ken Wiederhorn, Starring James "Pathmark" Karen (1988).

Reviewed By Michael Hauss

The movie sucks, the end... If only it was as simple as that. I was eating my Frosted Flakes this morning when it dawned on me that the film I viewed the night before RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: PART 2 was listed in the index of Chas Balum' s book More Gore Score, and that made it game to be reviewed for this blog. The late great Chas gave the movie a "Dog" rating in the book and only two out of ten on the Gore scale.

a recent example that got the dreaded Bow Wow rating

 I had not seen this film in like 25 years and remembered absolutely nothing about the film, so I had bought it and prepared for a 80's sex, drugs, rock n roll and zombies mix, just like the original RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD had delivered on. Well guess what, this movie delivered on virtually none of those, no nudity to speak of, no drugs, some Rock n roll, (but not as good as in the first film) and worse yet the zombies were not frightening at all and looked lame. Why, oh why hadn't I listened to ole Chas and just avoided this mess?

maybe you got conned by this delightfully wacky zombie cartoon?

An army transport is carrying canisters of the Toxin gas from the first film, three canisters fall off the back of the truck and one ends up in a stream and eventually in a storm drain where it's discovered by three boys lead by a bully named Billy (Thor Van Lingen) and the hero of our shitty little flick Jessie (Michael Kenworthy). Jessie wants no part of the army canisters and urges the other two boys to call the army, whose contact number is etched on the canister, Billy threatens to pummel Jessie if he does, the boys see a monstrous face looking out from the canister and flee, but that does not deter Billy and his other friend from returning and opening the canister and unleashing the toxic gas. The gas overtakes the two boys and spreads into a nearby cemetery, bringing the dead back to life. Two grave robbers Joey (Thom Matthews) and Ed (James Karen) are trapped in the graveyard surrounded by the zombies, Joey's girlfriend Brenda (Suzanne Snyder) , who was waiting for Joey, (in their van down by the river, only kidding) outside the cemetery is also caught up in the chaos, as the undead are calling out for "Brains" to snack on. The trio escape and make it to the house where the pugnacious little tyke Jessie lives, who is being babysat by his sister, as their parents are away. A cable repairman named Tom is also at the house when the trio arrive looking for help and a telephone to call the police. The military has quarantined the town and evacuated most of the populace, but forgot to make it to the new home construction site, where Jessie's family lives and also the bully Billy's family, Billy has become sick from breathing the gas and has died and came back to life hungry for Brains!

Oh man I'm so fried, I hope I don't fail my drug test

Ed, Joey and Brenda steal the cable guys van and crash it into a telephone pole, thus cutting phone service off. The group which includes Joey, Ed, Brenda, Lucy, Jessie and Tom, make it to the house of a local physician, where they drive off in his vintage car and drive around town and come to realize that the town has been evacuated and they are the only non-dead living humans in the vicinity. The group eventually comes up with a plan to get some brains from a local meat packing plant and to throw it out from the back of a truck, getting the zombies to follow them to a power station and there they set the trap to electrocute them.

Oh Shit! Our checks bounced? 

So here's the problem, or problems I should say, the film has a young boy as the lead hero and the film quite frankly is really a PG-13 film which somehow got an R rating, I'm guessing for the zombie who has his body cut in two and walks around trying to reattach itself. This film feels more like a kids adventure film along the lines of GOONIES or the other rash of kids-horror films that flourished in that time frame. The film has no nudity and no adult situations, no real Gore to speak of and a terrible script and the zombies were generic as hell, not menacing, just comedic fuck nuts. The first film was a nihilistic affair that had the military as somewhat competent beings, who dropped a bomb on the whole fucked up area, where in this film the military are caricatures, and they only quarantine the town, blocking off entrance and escape routes, leaving the zombie apocalypse to be defeated by young people and not the incompetent army. Worse of all is that Thom Mathews and James Karen are totally wasted in their roles and really are just playing the same characters as from the first film but slightly different. Hell, even the Joey character says at one point in the film that he felt as if he'd already lived that moment once before.

Are you implying that Tarman had too much plastic surgery?

Karen and Matthews are still great together and comedic wise make an entertaining pair, but the kid hero in this film is taxing and his acting ability is severely limited, why not let Matthews and Karen share the lead and make this a film for adults instead of kids. Another annoying thing about this film is that many of the characters scream or shout their lines during the zombie purge and this really cluster fucks up some scenes..This movie is one of those films where the comedy is flat and lackluster and takes the horrific edge off the zombies who can talk, drive vehicles and do other basic functions. You know you're fucked when just a few minutes into a film, it already does some douche bag thing to fuckup any believability, this being as the film starts and a group of army trucks are transporting the toxic gas and the driver of this dangerous gas is listening to rock n roll with head phones on and smoking a joint, and to top it all off, the canisters of gas are hardly even held in by a shitty little strap.

Special effects provided by craft service Bologna and Creeple Peeple maker 

The director of this film Ken Wiederhorn has 12 directorial credits including the fine horror film SHOCK WAVES(1977, USA), the fun Animal House rip off KING FRAT (1979, USA), the sleazy slasher film EYES OF THE STRANGER (1981, USA) and the fucknuttidly bad film MEATBALLS 2 (1984, USA). Thom Matthews has only 35 acting credits, including turns in the exploitation films JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13Th, PART VI (1986, USA), ALIEN FROM L.A. (1988, USA) and HEAT SEEKER (1995, USA). James Karen is still active today and currently has 199 credits on his acting resume which includes many mainstream and also some exploitation films that includes INVADERS FROM MARS (1986, USA), THE WILLIES (1990, USA) and FUTURE SHOCK (1994, USA). The actress Suzanne Snyder who plays Brenda, is best remembered for her role of Debbie Stone in the classic KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988, USA)
So, the next time you read a review by the late great Chas Balun and he calls it a Dog, you had better damn well listen to his advice, and don't go barking up the wrong tree.

I'm back from the grave and ready to take over for Jared from Subway

DON'T BOTHER, MORE NEUTERED THAN AN AIRBUD SEQUEL!

The Psychopath

(ad taken from http://templeofschlock.blogspot.com/)

The Psychopath (An Eye for an Eye) Directed By Larry G. Brown, Starring Tom Basham (1973).

This film is legendary in the grindhouse circuit, experts like Bill Landis (who mentioned its effectiveness in Sleazoid Express) and Rick Sullivan were completely weirded out by it, I guarantee you will be too! Gore Gazette head honcho Sullivan described Tom Basham, who plays the demented kiddie show host as "without a doubt one of the sickest cookies he's ever seen on film and his retarded performance is the sole reason to brave the sticky scum ridden floors of the Selwyn theater to catch this mutant." 

Years later, Joe Spinell in a drugged out haze or drunken stupor (who knows for sure) "borrowed" this concept for another legendary short film Maniac 2 : Mr. Robbie directed by Buddy G. I love that short film and am not implying that Spinell owes anything to the 1973 original, I mean ideas are floating around in the ether and should be utilized in such a creative way, right? If anything, it brings attention to this rare film designed for weirdos only. 

Spinell as Mr. Robbie (not Rabbey)!

What I love about this movie is that it clearly wants---even demands that you take your family along and and learn something from this deranged cautionary tale! Otherwise, why the fuck would they rate it PG? People's faces are smashed in with baseball bats, children discharge firearms, more faces are assaulted by lawnmovers  and gleeful carnage is doled out (but all implied to hover under the radar of showing actual gore or nudity). Just check out how this rare ad up top celebrates murder! 

EEEEK! It's Mr. Rabbey!

The production quality is total shit and the sleazy vibe is on par with I Dismember Mama, so lets all dive into this slime pit of abusive parents and vigilante puppet wielding justice!

It opens with some Hard Days Night credits font and two strange looking parents who cant wait to beat their child into submission. The fat mother has an afro and looks like a white Shirley Hemphill from What's Happening! The radio news mentions that some unsolved murders concerning missing parents have been occurring--hmm I wonder who may be responsible? 

from the all Caucasian version of What's Happening (or What's The Dilly-Yo?)

Meanwhile a Scorsese looking Kiddie Show director is bitching at Mr. Rabbey (Tom Basham), who looks sort of like Anthony Perkins in a Moe Howard wig. He also reminds me of Stuart, this Mad TV character with excessive pancake makeup on played by Michael Mcdonald.   

Man child Stuart, seems very much influenced by this film

As Mr. Robbey peddles his frustrations away on his ten speed (shades of PW Herman), we hear a fake "Stairway to Heaven" song, which just about caused me and Skunkape to spit beer all over the keyboard from laughing. The 70's were so demented, this "fun for the whole family" flick makes it seem as though sadistic parents are everywhere spanking their kids, just asking to be slaughtered. 

My close personal friend Francis Coppola is gonna hear about this

Some of the dumbest cops show up, one of them is played by non other than Beverly Hills Cop balding officer Taggart (played by John Ashton). This is actually his first role, he would later play this identical cop character throughout his entire career. 

Where's my buddy Judge Reinhold, or Axel Foley? 

Mr. Rabbey, who is so incredibly creepy, goes to visit sick kids in the hospital (shades of Patch Adams, man The Psychopath spawned so many copy cats, right)? Or maybe I'm totally wrong. 

Martin Short as Clifford in The Burning

One seemingly catatonic kid named Jefferson, who was abused makes the same exact face every time they show him. At his house later on next to his parents, I expected his features to be frozen in that exact pose! 

HELP, my face got stuck like this!

There's this really inappropriate drum beat and funk bass line that shows up periodically (Hey chalk it up to the 70's again) as they zoom in on Mr. Rabbey's eyeballs. The manchild, stalks the fat mother and smashes her face in with a baseball bat! Directly after down at the TV studio he plays a maudlin tune on the piano and weeps like the emotionally unbalanced creep he is in the dark.  

Cue that funky Seinfeld bassline!

Next, he hangs out with his producer/mother (who knows?) and eats his favorite treat CHOCOLATE CAKE! 

Basham's performance comes off like a perverted Anthony Perkins with brain damage. During the table scene, they give him the same eerie eyelights like Angelica Huston in The Addams Family movies. The authority figures in this film are totally clueless and take up space (their scenes add up to little or nothing). 

What do you mean we're out of chocolate cake?

He calls his producer/ manager, again hasn't really been established "Mommy" and they look to be about the same age. This is one of the shortest, most satisfying creep-fests in recent memory, even though the cops threaten to drag the film down, it's still totally captivating on so many levels! For one, who was this film made for, the tone suggests comedy, but there's nothing funny at all going on, it's bleak and unintentionally campy. It makes you feel dirty and yet it's all presented in a sunny daylight, just before the finale, when it gets real dark. Just an incredibly weird oddity that demands to be re-released, Come on Vinegar Syndrome, this one is calling your name, do it right now!  

You made a wrong turn at Jack in the Box Skip!

BUY HERE  (Available from J4HI.COM) 

Vendetta

Vendetta Directed By Tony Leung Siu-Hung, Starring Kent "Fatty" Cheng Jak-Si (1993). 

--Review by Goat Scrote--

     This is a goofy and violent Hong Kong supernatural flick. Elevator pitch? Home Alone meets The Omen, with a dash of HK crime-movie action for flavor. I had fun watching it, although it’s not as bloody, raunchy, or effects-laden as I expected and there’s no particular quality of the film that really stands out. It’s a pleasant diversion for fans of this kind of thing, but it’s not worth going too far out of your way for it.

     The movie centers around clean-cut pregnant couple Kitty (Linda Liu Shui-Chi) and David. David (Ray Lui Leung-Wai) is a cop, and in the line of duty he faces off with a trio of crazed thugs. The evil trio is a family, two brothers and a sister. I can only imagine the kind of parenting that led up to this senseless killing and looting spree. The thugs take hostages and end up surrounded by police. Just to be dicks, they pitch one of the hostages out a high window! A bloody slapstick gunfight follows and the two youngest thugs end up spectacularly dead at the hands of the young cop.

you've broken the windows with that nuclear fart!

     David sees phantoms of the dead duo, covered in blood, lurking in the hospital where his wife is delivering twins.  The cop has a vision of the killers taunting him from his children’s cribs. Animals go insane or simply drop dead when the babies are brought near. It seems clear that the children are possessed by vengeful ghosts.

no it's a homicidal infant!

     As Cindy (Cheng Chong) and Tony (Leung Sap-Yat) grow up they seem mostly normal, except they both have birthmarks on the forehead in the same spots where their father shot the thugs. They aren’t very nice to their dad, either. When they get a little older they begin trying to “accidentally” kill him. They manage to inflict a variety of minor injuries. Then they puncture one of his eardrums so he goes deaf in that ear. The husband finally recognizes that his own spawn really are out to get him, but his wife still won’t accept that.

Maybe you're just a shitty father?

     Meanwhile in prison the eldest brother, Hung Long (ha!) bites the fingers off a guard. He later uses the poor nine-fingered bastard’s wedding ring to pick a lock and attack more guards. When the TV news reports his escape, the little kids cheer and celebrate.

YAY! Our real dad is coming to bite off other appendages

     The cops find Hung Long (Tommy Wong Kwong-Leung), but he slaughters them and gets away. David manages to survive thanks to his bulletproof vest. Afterwards he carelessly leaves his gun laying around and takes a nap. The kids find it and nearly manage to take him out. He knows they are possessed, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. To make matters worse, he finds the corpse of his best friend, murdered and mutilated by Hung Long, who is looking for revenge.

TEAMWORK!

     The kids are acting creepy as usual, and Mom ends up taking a tumble down the stairs and going to the hospital. Dad sets an improvised bomb in the kid’s room rigged to the light switch and sets other deathtraps around the house to prepare for Hung Long’s arrival. He locks the kids in their room and visits the hospital, which gives Hung Long an opportunity to get into the house and wait for him.

Yeah you need to go on a diet like me!

     The two get into an extended fight which ends when Long gets blown up. David pulls his dead children from the wreckage. They are both saved when his tears fall on their magic birthmarks. Lightning strikes all three of them, and the evil spirits are driven out of his kids, along with the birthmarks. They awaken, call him Daddy, and the credits roll.

Millie Vanilli were right, the rain does have magical powers!

     The version I saw was presented in four languages simultaneously. It had two sets of subtitles and each of the stereo tracks was in a different language. That was a little off-putting but the action made up for the confusing aural experience and the subtitle text running off the bottom of the screen now and then. Editor Notes: This one is a super rare VCD that Skunkape had to smuggle out of some treacherous locations, risking life and limb to procure a copy. A few years ago we reviewed a WIP title called Vendetta that's probably on par with the action in this flick and thankfully there's no scene with Sandy Martin hiding contraband in her cooch! There are seriously too many movies with this title, this one and the Bruce Logan film are my favorites.   


SORRY NO LINK (extremely rare film)

What The Peeper Saw

What the Peeper Saw (aka Diabólica malicia, Night Hair Child, 1971)

Directed by James Kelly and Andrew White (Andrea Bianchi)

 Review By Greg Goodsell 

Freshly wed to successful author Paul (Hardy Kruger), Elise (Britt Ekland, Asylum, 1972) touches down in Spain to stay at her new husband’s isolated villa. She is introduced to her stepson, 12-year-old Marcus (Mark Lester), a precocious lad sent home from boarding school due to a “chickenpox outbreak.” We find just how dysfunctional the situation is when Elise receives a call from Paul, she marches into the bathroom while the nude Marcus takes a bath, the boy takes the call, and then casually reaches around his stepmom in order to fondle her breasts! It only gets worse …

Yes, is this the rape crisis center I've heard about from Robocop?

Conferring with her stepson’s headmaster (Harry Andrews, I Want What I Want, 1972), Elise learns that there was no outbreak. Marcus was sent home for various infractions, such as cruelty to animals and spying on amorous couples. Marcus is the “peeper” of the title, and Elise, poking about in her new home, finds a hole in the attic floor that facilitates Marcus spying on Paul and her while they make love. Paul disavows his son’s psychopathology as hearsay, and the screw tightens. Elise plays a game of “Strip poker” with Marcus in order to find out about his mother’s death, and the boy admits to killing her.

I want a Ponnyy!

In the film’s only effective scene, psychologist Dr. Viorne (Lilli Palmer, The House That Screamed, 1969) confronts Elise with what the audience has been in on since the very start: She has been sexually abusing the boy, and it is she, and not the boy that is in dire need of an extended stay in a room with cushioned walls. Elise is eventually sprung from the madhouse. There is a brief reconciliation between her and Marcus, and an abrupt shock conclusion.  

I'm stocking up for my Hawg party!

What the Peeper Saw is a deservedly obscure horror thriller that never gets off to a steady boil. There is lots of blame to go around. The sunny Spanish hillsides generate little suspense -- although director Pete Walker was able to wring tension in Die Screaming Marianne using a similar, bright Portugal backdrop in 1971 – and the daring subject matter is shot down by some inept performances. While gorgeous, no one would ever mistake Ekland for a terrific actress. In spite of his intimidating presence, Kruger does little but march around and barks out his lines. Mark Lester just isn’t into his role as a “Bad Seed”-style tyke, a shame as arrogant, British schoolchildren always make for reliable movie villains.

What the Lifeguard Saw

(Poor Lester had gone from the title role of the crowd-pleasing musical Oliver! in 1968 to this negligible shocker in four short years. He left acting altogether to tend bar in the late Seventies, although he returns to the big screen in the yet-to-be released 1066 this very year.)   

Who let the dogs out? Twas The Peeper!

A major culprit in this most tepid enterprise is the film score of the usually reliable Stelvio Cipriani (Baron Blood, 1972, Femina Raiders, 1969 and Nightmare City, 1980- being my favorites -ed). Cipriani plows through all the scenes with a bland, mellow jazz score. An otherwise terrifying vision of Marcus seeing his dead mother emerging from the family’s swimming pool is undercut by a light instrumental that is also reprised in the film’s shock ending.

Can you toss in some Epsom salts?

VCI has released What the Peeper Saw to Blu-Ray, but viewers won’t be able to tell the difference between the current presentation and a battered video rental. The visuals are grainy and under-lit, and the soundtrack is similarly muffled and murky.

The disc has 12 chapter stops and includes both the film’s theatrical trailer and a 30-second radio spot. Essentially yet another “killer kid” movie, What the Peeper Saw really isn’t worth seeing. 

BUY HERE ON Blu-ray!

Lone Wolf and Cub Series Roundup

LONE WOLF AND CUB

By Crankenstein and Goat Scrote.

     Lone Wolf and Cub, "the greatest team in the history of mass slaughter", slice and dice through bamboo and bone with a razor-sharp Dotanuki sword. They have chosen to wander the earth as demons, sworn to kill for a price. Ogami Itto carries his 3-year-old son Daigoro in a weaponized baby carriage forging a legendary trail of butchery and existentialism.

     There are six incredibly bloody movies in the “Lone Wolf and Cub” series, aka the “Baby Cart” series, aka Kozure Ōkami (“Wolf With Child in Tow”). In the Deep Red catalog they were available separately under various confusing titles like “Lightning Swords of Death” (which is a dubbed edited version of Part 3).
    The films are based on the manga of the same name(s) written by Kazuo Koike with outstanding art by Goseki Kojima. The manga author wrote most of the movies as well and gets story credit on all of them, with Tsutomu Nakamura co-writing on the final two films. There are other movies based on the manga and even a couple of TV shows.

     Director Kenji Misumi helmed four of the films and also directed both the “Zatoichi” and more demented “Hanzo the Razor” series. Buichi Saito steps in to direct the fourth film, and Yoshiyuki Kuroda the sixth. Eiichi Kusumoto is responsible for the fight choreography for the series. The stoic Ogami Itto is played by Tomisaburo Wakayama and his son Daigoro by Akihiro Tomikawa. Daigoro's gestures and confused look never come off like an annoying "child actor", he's very natural and does an incredible job. Yagyū Retsudo, the Lone Wolf’s mortal enemy, is portrayed by various actors throughout the series.

Wait, I thought you said no real weapons
around kids, where's my agent!

     The six “Lone Wolf and Cub” (LWC) films were compressed into the five-movie “Shogun Assassin” series, all awfully dubbed with ridiculous swishing blade noises added in! In the 80s and 90s in the US you could only find the dubbed truncated abomination “Shogun Assassin”, which is 12 minutes of the first movie and about half of the second movie squished together into a new story. The movie still managed to attain cult status and go on to be showcased in “Kill Bill 2” (2004). These movies are that good. You can butcher them like one of the Lone Wolf’s victims, and they will still keep kicking your mind right in the face like armless ninjas.

It's only some minor edits, we'll be up kicking ass again in no time.

    In the overviews of each of the movies, we've tried to leave major plot points unspoiled as much as possible. Body count numbers are courtesy of allouttabubblegum. Every one of these movies is exceptionally bloody and there are severed limbs by the bushelful. All six movies are highly recommended, and the 2nd and 4th movies are our favorites of the series.

     Crank Comments: I reviewed parts 1, 2, and 3. I avoided “Shogun Assassin” like the plague. LWC 1 and 2 were not only beheaded for grindhouse audiences to easily digest but neutered and appallingly dubbed by some cringeworthy talent (like Sandra Bernhard and Lamont Johnson). I do have fond memories of seeing the poster in various early 80's video stores, moving toward the horror section to rent "Zombie" for the 20th time. I’m not opposed to bad dubbing, but it feels wrong to me that this particular piece of chopsocky re-edited bullshit is so widely acclaimed even though it’s actually robbing us of so much of the original movies! I admit I have the rottencotton “Shogun Assassin” t-shirt, because it’s the only availably merch connected to one of my favorite Japanese series. I can watch the Baby Cart movies repeatedly, they never get old to me!

     Goat Notes: A series of six samurai movies churned out in the space of 2 years, featuring a pre-kindergarten child actor? I used to walk past the LWC series back in the VHS age, browsing for martial arts movies, and turn up my nose. I envisioned a cheap, sanitized Kurosawa knockoff aimed at little kids. I never suspected what I was overlooking. I watched all six and reviewed #4 - #6. These movies are not at all what I expected, they are some of the most blood-soaked films I've ever seen. Every one of them is beautiful, ultra-violent, and viciously entertaining!

PART 1

Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Kowokashi udekashi tsukamatsuru

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Child and Expertise for Rent”

Gore Score: 10/10

Body Count: 62

Retsudo Yagyu, professional meanie.

It sure doesn't look like gold.

     “LWC: Sword of Vengeance” is the first in the series. I decided to review each sequel individually since I'm obviously not a fan of the mixtape version of the “Baby Cart” films. In the Deep Red catalog, the first film easily gets a 10 out of 10 on the gore score and according to Chas "will make you howl with unabashed glee". This film doles out geysers of crimson splatter. Arteries spray like garden hoses. That samurai sword is sharp, and limbs get separated and bounced off the walls. The erratic but tranquil score by Hideaki Sakurai really sets the tone effectively. “Sword of Vengeance” is just a superior film on all levels.

Somebody get me a band-aid,
I got a thousand ouchies!

     Ogami Itto is the Shogun’s Decapitator. His job is to assist a person who's committing seppuku (ritual suicide by self-disembowelment), one of the most honorable deaths in Japanese culture. He is framed by Yagyu Retsudo of the Shadow clan as part of a bid to seize more power. Itto’s wife and the rest of the Ogami household are slain, except for his son, and Itto is accused of plotting to kill the Shogun. They show how corrupt the authority he works for is, so that we can admire his conviction to quit and walk the barren lands in the form of a demon ronin, slaying any target for the price of 500 gold pieces. 

Tough love.

Choose death!

     Enemy clans make things difficult for father and son, who travel wheeling a stroller armed with an array of secret deadly weapons. The narrative swings back and forth like a pendulum as we find that the killer who decapitates a child in the opening scene has a conscience after all. There is a lot of honor and symbolism in the cultural mythology of this film and kind gestures are not overlooked. There's a brilliant scene at a sauna riddled with the most hideous scumbag rapists and criminals where Ogami Itto takes a situation of shame and turns it into glorious beauty.

     There's another brilliant scene with a bouncy ball and a sword stuck in the floor, where Daigoro is required to choose his destiny: An immediate merciful death at the hands of his father; Or to “live at the crossroads of Hell” and leave piles of mutilated corpses in his wake. We know Daigoro chooses the sword, otherwise he would be in the afterlife with his slain mother.

PART 2

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart at the River Styx (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Sanzu no kawa no ubaguruma

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Baby Cart of the River of Sanzu”

Body Count: 37
Gore Score 10/10

     During the second film we're waist-deep in the blood trail left by Ogami and son. A new foe, Sayaka, and her band of face-shredding Shadow clanswomen find out Itto beheaded one of their allies (in the first film) and they want vengeance. They show their prowess to a foolish ninja by whittling him down into doggy bag sized chunks.

Oh crap, I'm pissing blood!

     This sequel gets intense fast as father and son battle female assassins at every turn. Little Daigoro almost gets his tiny head ripped off by a frisbee straw hat containing razorblades. Sayaka does an amazing trick and nearly stabs Itto in the throat. He almost has her until she pops out of outfit like a Holly Hobby doll and disappears backwards into the brush.

The Citizen Kane of wall paper decoratives

     To impress a group of samurai, Itto sails that famed sword of his across the room to instantly kill a silent hidden intruder. This is one of my favorite moments in cinema history!

     Smiling women pull knives out of big Daikon radishes to stab at the baby cart, narrowly missing the kid's neck! Even though the bodycount is the lowest in the series, there is tons of grisly violence. There's an incredible showdown at the finale. The stern killer poses in the sand dunes and awaits the arrival of his enemies, three brothers known as The Gods of Death armed with iron claws, flying clubs, and chainmail fists.

     Does Ogami even slightly flinch or sweat a drop? FUCK NO!

     The last "death god" gets very poetic about his neck wound before his jugular bursts and red poster paint soaks the dirt. This film sets the pattern for father and son to travel down the road at the end, to journey to the next adventure.

PART 3

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Shinikazeni mukau ubaguruma

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Baby Cart Against the Winds of Death”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 2: Lightning Swords of Death”

Body Count: 72

Gore Score 10/10

     Unlike most sequels, these were shot during a short time period, so the characters haven't aged much even though we're three movies in. This film has a great crooning theme song at the end with lyrics, one of my favorites of the series.

Trepanation gone disastrously wrong.

Itto loves disco.

     “Hades” starts off on the river with the Yagyu clan lurking, waiting to strike again. A new group of lazy perverted samurai (known as Watari Kashi) show up and attack a woman with blacked-out teeth, but are soon set straight by Kanbei, a samurai who earns Ogami's respect. He faces Ogami in the forest and demands a fight. Before they go to war, Ogami mentions that he and his son live as demons prepared to venture to the netherworld and this inspires Kanbei, the insecure warlord.
     In one scene a prostitute bites off the tongue of her pimp, and he dies from the wound almost instantly! 

Some goons known as the Boohatchimono show up to collect the murderous prostitute, but Ogami and son find a kinship with her. The Boohatchimono are outcasts with no shame or justice, so they may be worse then the Yagyus. Speaking of the Yagyus, they show up later in droves during an epic horse battle between one man and child armed with a machine-gun baby stroller!

     Ogami faces an endurance test, spun around upside down in a basket while being drowned and beaten by the group of outcasts. He does this to make that prostitute he protected, feel something of value, this is clearly his style, to let himself be tortured to save a woman's integrity.

     This time, unlike in Sword of Vengeance, it doesn't work to his benefit, in fact the water torture scene was more of a temporary setback, than what comes later. This bit of unnecessary humiliation leads to a job and a new target for him to slay. The moments with Diagoro communicating with nature are some of the best scenes. 

     The actor that plays the long haired gunman with rat-like features plays an entirely different character in the first film. The pacing is a little slow toward the middle, but stick it out because the ending goes completely insane and that's when the body count really starts to rack up! The gun battle at the end has severed heads and a rain of shredded toes and feet, so make sure you stay awake for the final scenes!

PART 4

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril (1972)

     Kozure Ōkami: Oya no kokoro ko no kokoro

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: The Heart of a Parent, the Heart of a Child”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 3: Slashing Blades of Carnage”

Body Count: 84

Gore Score 8/10

     This is a fantastic movie. It’s fast paced, gory, and fun as heck. This was my first exposure to the LWC series and it whetted my appetite for more. Like a lot of the LWC movies I suspect there are lots of cultural references I don’t get, yet the story is still accessible and the emotional underpinnings are universal. The fight scenes are creative and frenetic and every aspect of the movie comes together in near-perfection.

A winning strategy.

I am soooooooo scared.

    This fourth entry opens with battle, blood, and boobs, and pretty much continues that way. The half-naked killer wears tattoos on her breasts and back designed to startle her foes. She makes mincemeat of a group of attackers to show us right away what a badass she is.

It's all fun and games...

     The Lone Wolf, Itto, accepts the commission to kill Oyuki, the breasty lady with the tattoos and swords. Oyuki is a swordswoman who served Lord Owari and then deserted for reasons unknown. Itto slices apart crowds of enemies on the hunt for her, uncovers an old foe who is supposed to be dead, and strikes a blow against the clan which betrayed him, all while keeping the Cub alive.

Come at me, bro.

     Things only get more complicated when he finds his quarry and discovers Oyuki to be far more honorable than the people who hired him to hunt her. At the climax Itto purees his way through an entire army using his famed Sui-O sword technique until he's facing Retsudo Yagyu himself. Many, many limbs are lost along the way. Moral of the story: Don’t piss off the deadliest man in the world.

Titty clutching tat

I said NO WIRE HANGERS

Gonorrhea flare-up

...she's really obsessed with my cawk.

PART 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons (1973)

     Kozure Ōkami: Meifumado

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Land of Demons”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 4: Five Fistfuls of Gold”

Body Count: 80

Gore Score 7/10

     This is not as furiously-paced as part 4 but the movie is still brutal and bloody. Five deadly messengers test Itto’s strength. Each one carries 100 gold pieces, 1/5 of the payment for a very special job. One of the men calmly delivers a message while he slowly burns alive!

     The abbot of Sofuku (ha!) temple has double-cross the Kuroda clan. This revered man is actually the head of a secret order of ninja spies, allies of Itto’s mortal enemies the Yagyu. Itto is contracted to kill the abbot and return the documents to Lord Kuroda. It turns out the abbot has wizardy holy-man powers and Itto can’t or won’t draw his sword to cut him down.

I accidentally swam into your sword, bro.

      A servant of the Kuroda clan arrives with a new job, piggybacking on the first job. The completion of the first assassination will put Itto in place to execute his second set of targets: An entire family, including a 5 year old child. It’s merciless but the reasons make sense in the context of the difficult situation.

     Retsudo Yagyu is still around making trouble as an ally of the abbot. He wear an eye patch after his last fight with Itto. Itto manages to pull some serious special-ops shit to complete his mission, and then fights an army wearing nothing but his underwear. The crimson really starts to spray when fights a second army at the end, and he really lives up to that whole Decapitator thing.

This helmet is way too tight.

All demons are issued Sam Elliot mustaches in Hell, you didn't know?

PART 6

Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell

     Kozure Ōkami: Jigoku e ikuzo! Daigoro

     “Wolf with Child in Tow: Now We Go to Hell, Daigoro!”

     aka “Shogun Assassin 5: Cold Road to Hell”

Body Count: 155+ kills!!!

Gore Score- Infinity

     The series racks up its highest body count yet with a satisfyingly slaughter-happy final entry. Young Daigoro manages an impressive number of kills with babycart gadgets, but it’s only a fraction of the host of enemies swept aside by Itto’s ruthless blade.

The size of Itto's scrotum demoralizes his foes.

Santa is furious with you.

My special weapon is Brillo Pad hair.

     Itto is declared a wanted criminal by the Shogunate. A manhunt begins and old enemies converge on LWC looking for revenge. There are assassins everywhere, using every trick and technique in their personal arsenals. An evil wizard of the Spider Demon clan stalks and taunts the duo, brutally slaying every person who shows LWC kindness on the road. Later the wizard rapes his own sister in front of their father, series arch-nemesis Retsudo Yagyu! Dysfunctional doesn't even begin to cover it.

I call this move Snoopy Snowcone style

     Three half-living killers, strengthened by martial-arts sorcery, are sent by the one-armed ronin Gunbei (a survivor from the fourth film). They fight in perfect unison, and do not fall even after being riddle with gunfire.

Itto explores bondage

     An army of Yagyu clan warriors surrounds LWC, led by Retsudo, who has a lot of anger issues at the moment. Itto battles an army of skiing ninjas, cuts one of them in half and uses the baby cart as a sled to kick butt. Retsudo has made his own combat sled armed with heavy artillery, and they battle their way down the mountainside.

Gandalf was a pussy.

I'll never be a sex symbol

     This wild movie ends this cycle of the epic revenge tale but doesn’t wrap up the overall story. The original manga series comes to a startling yet almost inevitable conclusion. My ultimate fantasy version of this movie series would have ended the same way, but in any case these are really entertaining movies and I wish they had made more.