Black Magic 2

Black Magic 2 (Revenge of the Zombies, Bewitch Tame Head, Gou hun jiang tou), Starring Lo Lieh Directed by Meng Hua Ho (1976).

In October, I mentioned how I planned on reviewing this film, well, I got some Xmas money and bought a copy of this film and here we are again. I've always liked the poster art for Black Magic 2 aka Revenge of the Zombies, which shows a grim reaper hovering over a naked women bathing in a skull cavity (I even made it into a t-shirt on Redbubble, order here).

The film is better than its predecessor in my opinion, it starts off in a completely bat-shit crazy assed way with a giant alligator terrorizing some cute bathers as a witch doctor baits the big green fellow with a hanging live chicken and then proceeds to gut him Chief Brody/ Matt Hooper style and fish out tin cans and boots. I never do this, but I actually turned on the English language track to hear the goofy dubs. I guess I wasn't in the mood to read (and Tokyo Shock had me all intrigued because they went out of their way to sync up to the original audio tracks).

Try KFC's new Gator-turd-chicken double down sandwich

There's a swanky strip club that some dude hauls his friends over to by saying "The food's good". Mr. Lo "Mein" Leih, plays a pervy wizard, this dude is my favorite SB actor, that intense face and menacing twinkle in his eye--I mean he's got some major fucking presence let me tell you, I've enjoyed all of his roles over the years. We introduce his character who's a Satanic sorcerer in the middle of what I can only describe as screw brain old lady transformation surgery (or what Chas referred to in the catalog as pounding 10 inch spikes and really out there man). Huh? Yeah that's right just pop in the DVD and confirm what I've just detailed. Leih is up to some sexual wickedness or run of the mill type SB horror shenanigans. He presents a girl with thorny flowers so he can collect her blood and then throw them together in a ritual that results in him getting into her pants.

NYUK NYUK, I learned this trick offa 3 well respected Jewish brain surgeons

I like how the other characters have a book that describes what a black magician is and that he must feed on breast milk everyday to stave off old age. It's good to have such a resourceful book just in case someone in the audience is dumbfounded by what's unfolding off the screen (which is often the case in these wild manic HK flicks). Man, with one drop of blood LL, who's evil wizard name is Kang Kong. Kong is able to control the girl like a zombie even from miles away and commands her to sleepwalk over to his pad (special delivery style)!

Hey let's re-enact that famous scene from the Third man with zero dollars

Satanism is really all about sexual dominance in these films and he tricks her into taking a pill so he can sip some of that sweet boob milk. He also shaves some of her pubes off and burns them. OK, El Rey network this year (2016 to be exact) it's time to play more full bush, worm feast SB's instead of dull chop socky's featured in the current rotation. I know you're trying to appease the Wu-Tang fans but they don't need your groveling, who am I kidding, I'm lucky at all that the infamous studio is available on Cable at all!

your aborted Meatloaf is ready, just garnish with some parsley

Kang gets to bang poor Margaret his victim without the aid of some of those Cosby roofies. And Oh yeah, I forgot to mention there's some zaniness going on at the hospital where patients are breaking out into skin pustules and worm rashes, possibly a HK version of Dr. Chanard will show up to make matters worse. Margeret stars to devolve into that heroin chic look (sunken eyes, hollow cheek bones) and even has a still born baby that all involved in the delivery call a monster (or freak in the subbed version). Kang acts funny in the way he pets his siamese cat which clings to his shoulder. He mutters some kind of incantation and hypnotizes them with his fashionable ring, it's also bizarre that in his basement he has a bunch of coffins and monks. Black Magic 2 has this great theme song that sounds like a funky version of the Odd Couple, which made me cackle like a loon! There's this weird concept of people turning old at the drop of a hat than reverting back to youth. Kang pimps out his old hag to one character who gets all pissed when he finds out that he was banging an elderly chick--Ha! No refunds! The moral here is don't make deal with an alchemist or fuck with black magic because you may find yourself attached to a voodoo doll that can crush you in the blink of an eye. Also in other magic related SB films, I noticed how it's always a decrepit old freak in a hut by a boiling kettle of entrails, but here Lo's character seems more like a rich playboy and does his devious work in his swanky mansion.

Who you calling a Pussy? 

I've read in other reviews that this film is just a rehashing of the first film only with Lo Leih in the title role as the wizard, that's total bullshit and I'm willing to bet the same schmucks think The Force Awakens was just a remake of the original Star Wars! 

That new BB-8 Droid looks totally cool to me

Every bodies a fucking two bit critic nowadays in a world where rotten tomato percents are considered an opinion! During the half way point hang onto your barf bucket because the worms start wriggling out of exhumed corpse chest cavities. The notion of being a clumsy oaf gets ridiculous as Kang keeps bumping into various people so he can get a blood sample and conduct more rituals. And if you're thinking why is is called Revenge of the Zombies when there aren't any--nope you're wrong because there totally are, just be patient. The ending with hooded zombified monks melting into puddles definitely reminded me of The Devil's Rain. The pacing is pretty frenetic and kind of gets to a comical state of weirdness but since it's a Ho Meng Hua, I wont put anything past that dude--he's out of his mind brilliant and should be more highly regarded beyond the exploitation realm. Mondo Macabro put out Queen of Black Magic (which is an unrelated Indonesian flick that they tried to pass off as a sequel to this film). It also will eventually be covered because it's in the catalog and I'm a sucker for Satanic bullshit from the mysterious East.

BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE, TWO MAGGOT EATEN THUMBS UP YOUR BUTT!

Black Magic

BLACK MAGIC Directed By Ho Meng-Hua, Starring Lo Lieh (1975).

I've been sitting on this one for so long that I feel like a big stupid elephant roosting on an egg about to hatch that may possibly devour me "Q The Winged Serpent" style. Why I've prolonged this review for so long I have no idea, but I do remember being thoroughly impressed by the awesome crocodile attack in "Revenge of the Zombies" (or the sequel to "Black Magic") and I kept waiting for that one to return to Youtube so I could string them together, sort of how you'd reattach two ornery conjoined twins, but that never happened. Maybe I just totally forgot about the "Black Magic" series--I mean there's a metaphorical stack of flicks I have yet to watch and overanalyze like "Ruby" (a film I don't want to endure again, it's like getting your teeth pulled by Piper Laurie with zero novocaine). Don't worry Janit Baldwin fanatics, that one will be suffered through again by me ludovico style.

I rented both "Black Magic" films long ago on Netflix DVDs and enjoyed the first one less than the 2nd. After realizing however that I could either choose this or Fulci's abysmal "2072: New Gladiators", I decided to go for moo shu pork instead of Joisey infused deep dish gorgonzola. The Fulci "Rollerball" ripoff was acquired by Troma, which somehow makes it classier). 

I'm shocked to admit it but it's been a few months since I've seen or reviewed anything from Hong Kong, "Devil's Woman" was actually the last one, I always know what I'm in for when I sit thru a SB flick, pure entertainment.

A wizard named Shan Jianmi (played by Ku Feng, who wore KISS makeup in "A Bat Without Wings") is in a hut awaiting the call to put a death spell on a cheating husband. Jianmi gets the mumbo jumbo rolling by flaying a juicy piece of stomach fat and a severed corpse head, which dissolves over the credits. The Shaw Brothers selection of horror is just astoundingly fun and warped. To me it's light years above the chop socky kung-Wu Tang Clan bullshit. It's hilarious how a prologue says "Believe it or not, this story is fictional", did anyone think it was a documentary? A couple targeted by the jilted woman, dies while a voodoo doll is pierced with enough needles to slaughter both of them. Voodoo dolls always remind me of the end of Creepshow " Ready for another shot?"

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Ho Meng- Hua (who years later also directed the grisly "The Rape After") is in the director chair, so you know we're in for some crazy fucked up shit! To defend positive magic from destroying the pissed off warlock, he slits his tongue with a knife and bleeds over yellow paper scrolls, while paving his walls with them to keep the powers of good magic at bay. It doesn't really go so well for the poor prick and he dies. We cross cut into a busy construction site, where they play this jaunty driving safety video style music (remember keep those hands at 10 and 2).

A dude named Xu Nuo at the construction site has a pretty boss sports car (man, how can he afford that shit?) Mrs. Zhou (or Luo played by Tanny Tien Ni) seems like bad news and has the hots for this guy, but he won't budge. She is on the prowl and seems a little psychotic, so it's understandable that he refuses her advances. 

Go Away Chinese Freddy Krueger

Lo Lieh, star of a bazillion SB flicks shows up in a state of frustration as Mrs. Zhou smashes his window in with a giant rock. The stock music is unusually fuzzed out and spacey--good stuff.

Lieh's character ventures down into the Wanloa Forrest to fix his merry pissed off widow problem, by using unsavory supernatural forces he aims to keep his lifestyle and that bitch off his back. All of these HK films involving magic follow the same kind of pattern of revenge and retribution, it almost always turns out like a bad acid trip stuffed with sorrow, vomiting and maggots. I like how we're introduced to a new wizard by the act of him milking a sexy naked girl's titty and shoving rice into her snatch. The Wiz claims he was in the process of forming a love spell, a likely story.

this titty milk will go great with my Hong Kong Freakies

The sorcerer who has the same name as the dead wizard, warns Lo that if he doesn't provide all the ingredients and payment of a skull sized piece of gold that he won't like the consequences.The pacing is steady but could be more exciting, which is why I prefer the sequel.
  

Liang Jiajie (Lo Lieh) roofies this hot chick Cosby style by drugging her drink, but when she wakes up the spell wears off and she even threatens to sic her dog on him. Sorcerers in the "Magic" series can never be trusted and are serial backstabbers. They basically take their customers wickedness and harness it against each of the partner, so that no one wins. They are also notorious pervs and for a love spell, he gives this woman a pill that produces breast milk, even though she's not pregnant and forces her to burn a corpses face off. It sort of works out for her though because she ends up marrying the poor sap (played by Ti Lung). The funniest part is when the wizard, who lusts after Mrs. Zhou and has her smell some flowers that make her hallucinate and him look attractive. His grey hair is replaced by a Beatle wig and a unibrow! Another hilarious scene shows a good mystic, who looks sort of like an Asian Wilford Brimley battling the evil one with a flute that makes his enemy's eyeballs bleed. Like most SB flicks this one is highly entertaining, the pace is a little erratic and spaced out but not as dull as some critics have complained about. Check it out and be on the look out for a review of part 2! 

   

Alright fine you caught us, I'm in love with the dog from Dog Lay Afternoon, SO WHAT?

I'll fight you with my puppet twin!

AVAILABLE TO RENT ON NETFLIX DVD.

  

Succubare

SUCCUBARE Directed By Wai Yip Starring Carter Wong (1981)

by Steve Fenton

US video ad-line: “A Blockbuster of Bone-Chilling Horror!”

A decidedly grotty Thai/Chinese coproduction from 1980, this is yet another in the spate of films ripping-off the Shaw Bros.’ over-the-top BLACK MAGIC duo. Four beautiful princesses of the “Mao” [sic?] tribe rule a superstitious mountain village near the Northwest Chinese border. Using extract from venomous snakes, these high-maintenance princesses (drama queens, more like!) possess the power to cast magical spells on any male foolish enough to spurn them romantically. Plentiful puff adders, cobras and centipedes slither and scuttle ominously about throughout. The “Ick!” Factor is decidedly high: A man who raises the witch-bitches’ spiteful ire develops a bloated, “pregnant” belly, and when his pasty white stomach is slit open a writhing mass of centipedes and redworms splork out. A Shaolin monk coughs up blood, while another lucky fella vomits assorted species of Annelida (them’s worms). Zombie-like afflicted spell victims become covered with scabs and cankers and writhe in agony…and so would you. A forlorn cow is axed to death and skinned in queasy detail, and a dog is roasted on a spit at a celebratory barbecue. Mmmm-mmm…pass the HP sauce!

Kobayashi I challenge you to a Salamander eating contest!

   The American distributor of this sordid affair laughably tried to pass it off as a “real,” mondo-style documentary along the lines of SHOCKING ASIA, even going so far as a bullshit explanation for the lousy dubbing (“For your better understanding, the producers of this picture have endeavored to replace the native language with English wording”!). Obviously non-authentic, SUCCUBARE does however contain more than its fair share of yucky mondo madness amid much unintentional humor and spastic kung fu. Within the first three seconds, a guy geeks a live, squirming serpent. Later, he chomps on a fat, squishy toad. Later still he bites the head off a white mouse. This mungy-toothed “character” serves absolutely no purpose other than to provide intermittent gross-out value, his scenes interspersed at regular intervals throughout the narrative (such as it is). Thus, only cheap thrill-seeking geekfreaks need apply. Just don’t plan on eating beforehand, during or immediately afterward. You have been warned!

Mao herpes/ Campbell kids disease aint pretty!

   Back in the ’80s, SUCCUBARE used to be available on VHS tape in N. America from the VCR company, duped in crummy LP mode, as I recall. Although copies of this flick are exceedingly hard to come by these days, there is a fully widescreen trailer for it on Volume 3 of the GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS series, so by all means grab a copy and check it out.

Bewitched

Bewitched (Gu) Directed By Chih-Hung Kuei, Starring Ngaai Fei (1981).  

You won't find any nose twitching, bitches named Endora or any Darren's or Dick Sargents in this Shaw Bros flick. This is an eerie moralistic tale of witchcraft and infidelity that takes place between Thailand and Hong Kong. 

   The director helmed one of my favorite Chinese horror films, Boxers Omen and is also responsible for Corpse Mania, Hex, and Curse Of Evil. He left an impressive mark on the Shaw Bros factory and unfortunately stopped working in 1984. It's been awhile since I've been this blown away by something from the infamous HK studio, so brace yourself! 

   It begins when a ghastly rotten corpse of a little girl is found in the park, discovered by a kid who chucked a Frisbee at the picnic site.

you feed the ducks, I'll feed the worms

   Investigators are sent to figure out what exactly happened. The man responsible Stephen Lam Wai (Ngaai Fei) is caught, put on trial and claims he killed his daughter while under an evil spell.   

   Then later on a drooling goofball who looks like a retarded Baby Huey, bashes a cop over the head and directs traffic. 

Say whaaaat?

   A spacious auction of prostitutes with numbers pinned to their dresses is shown. Bewitched is packed with non sequiturs and random flashes of pop culture ephemera (a nice Thai Star Wars poster is featured in the town square). 

Before General Coffington and Count Duku came along

   
   We venture back into the past where it all started, with an innocent foot massage given by the defendant Stephen Lam Wai to a prostitute (played by Jenny Leung Jan-Lei). 

   An indian song is heard in the background that reminded me of Kuntz by The Butthole Surfers. We flashback to when all of his problems started and why he murdered his daughter.

   The camera explores the natural and exotic scenery, it adds a chunk of filler that is oddly compelling. 

   Down at the beach, the same girl who received the foot massage, frolics topless in slow-motion. Her "client", the protagonist Wai, makes a decent effort to win her over and they set a date to reconvene later. 

Corona in the can is the beer of choice for 1981!

   Once he leaves Thailand, it turns out Mr. Lam thinks of his last girlfriend as nothing more then a cheap piece of meat and brags to office his friends about it. Something sinister is going on though and he becomes impotent with his wife back in Hong Kong, while taking a bath. His daughter starts doing crazy shit like eating raw pork in the fridge late at night and behaves like a vicious feline. 

   The message of "stay faithful to your paid escort" was hard for me to stomach. Are they really suggesting that forming a flimsy relationship with a Thai hooker is the best decision and the consequence is punishment by witchcraft? I'm pretty sure that's the message in a nutshell, the bad luck and horror that ruins Stephen's life is an allegory for that nasty STD he caught. 

If only I had a magic spell that could lengthen my stubby arms

   Lam begins to sprout ugly coarse grey hair on his chest, it's all the work of the evil Magusu (Hussein Hassan), a magician commanded by the vengeful hooker to possess his home and destroy his family. An old witch with big swinging jowls tell him to plunge a 9-inch spike into his daughters head or she will eventually kill him.

   He doesn't even hesitate for a second and while down at the park, he ends her life. An amulet is found by the cop involved in Lam's case, it emits a wailing sound and shakes the building, it's partially the cause of his torment.

   The scene where a "Vegetable Basket Spirit" is invoked by a horn playing sorceress in a cartoon hippo mask is completely ridiculous!

Special appearance by Heidi the Hippo

   A skull with a candle stuck in its cranium, levitates and a secret decoder message gives instructions. They must obtain some corpse oil from a pregnant women on a full moon. Not even a minutes goes by as we're hurled into some eye popping Shaw Bros style of fetid disgusting shit! A bloated corpse with a full bely sits up and hocks up green dribbly mucus into a small pot (probably for dunking dim-sum later).

Can I please have your autograph Mr. Leatherface

   With this Petey Wheatstraw type hokum (burning maggots, unconventional twig hippo faced witchcraft) we see how the amulet afflicted Stephen and his raw pork feasting daughter.  

   I love how they mix and match religious culture with Buddhism in these Black Magic films.

They enlist a Buddhist monk to help, he casts a magical bat spell, using his wheel of cartoon animals.

The inspiration for the popular UHF gameshow, Wheel Of Fish

   He beats the shit out of the evil sorcerer from afar and a "Bat-shit crazy" war of mental telepathy ensues. 
   The Thai, Durian eatin, massage foot- enjoying hooker has been responsible for all of Stephen's problems and won't rest until he dies a slow painful death.

   There's a bucket of baby entrails soup and a paint by number idol--just in case you're wondering if you should bother to check out Bewitched.

it comes with a free Frogurt!

   One of the most stomach churning spell by far is the Worm Spell, as each one is laid out and orchestrated in the film (just in case you'd like to try them at home)! The Lemon Spell surprisingly enough has the most "real" animal violence attached. The spells get really nasty and volatile until the final death knell has rung out. 

   The inspectors are not even safe from the wraith of the evil warlock or his Durian eating lady friend. 

   Bobby the main officer, takes the worst of the brunt and starts eating raw pork too, which is a tell tale sign of possession.

This Chinese Pizza is difficult to make

   Retarded Baby Huey returns at the end, this time with a gun and shoots a couple of kids. It all ends like a PSA against witchcraft and casual sex-- I couldn't ask for a more gratifying ending. Top notch film! Good luck finding a copy, film fanatics usually have a good source (I saw it for sale on Ebay). 
     
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 

Virgins Of The Seven Seas

Virgins Of The Seven Seas (The Bod Squad, Yang Chi, Karate Kusse Blonde Katzen) Directed by Ernst Hofbauer & Chih-Hung Kuei (1974).

It's almost as if the German girls from Schulmadchen Report did a semester abroad and got trapped by bandits. And that's exactly what these two titans of the filth industry had in mind when they collaborated on this project! Chih-Hung Kuei made one of my favorite Shaw Brothers films, Boxers Omen and Hofbauer is a Viennese schabigkeit veteran who directed a few sexploitation flicks in his day.

   I don't know about you, but when I see Chinese pirates on the screen talking in German, I'm a little puzzled. There's nothing to be alarmed about, because this is an Asian/German co-production of sleaze and depravity, the dialogue is Umberto Lenzi priceless! Fraulein slaves are tied up to sell for human trafficking, when one eats fish guts she says "it tastes like Grampa's left nut"!  The lewdness barometer is off the charts in this offshoot SB flick.    

Tongues carved to deli meat perfection

   The lead pirate looks like an Asian Yul Brenner and when they dock, he immediately starts a rampage on the island. The girl's naked bodies are offered up to two Genghis Khan looking warlord pimps.One of the hustlers, Won Tau (Wang Hsieh) takes over as the main villain, he carries a bullwhip and get molesty real fast! 

    Ko Mei Mei (Hui Ling) dresses in all green and leads the girls to the bed chamber, where the virgin test will be administered. Most of the Chinese characters wear fright wigs and either manhandle or lear at the sexy naked girls, who all have astounding breasts! 

   The ill fitting wigs reminded me of the Asian cannibals from Dr. Butcher! In fact, the costume designer must have raided the "worst wig emporium" to find these beastlies for all of the cast, men and women!  Tao Fu (Helen Ko), a cruel lesbian character with a sunken in emaciated face, uses a Mortal Kombat style razor fan to slice off a busty German girl's dress.

   Ko Mei Mei reveals that she was also abducted into servitude and agrees to help the "Bod Squad" escape from the clutches of the horny pirates. She trains them in the fine art of spitting razor sharp olive pits as a handy weapon, I can't make this shit up folks! I like how they all practice spitting by yelling 'POO"! 

POOP!

   Down in a secret lair, they also do sexercises, this flick really speaks to that pervy thirteen year old neatly tucked away in your subconscious! 

Gulp, I swallowed!

   The erratic theme song kind of sounds like Faccia de faccia by Ennio Morricone. 

When the grand opening of the brothel arrives, the alleged "7 seas virgins" have a mutiny planned against the lead flesh peddler.The girls are paraded around like pieces of meat at the auction. A sexy blonde known as "rabbit teeth" attracts another rodent like slave trader who says she turns him into a giant buck tooth rabbit! 

The Chinese NoBunny

    The girl's don't band together yet, instead they defeat each slimy pig that bought them for sex separately and in wacky comical situations.

   Karen does a topless fight in a red panties and flops around like a fish out of water, I call her technique "the dreaded red snapper"!

Fish Flop Away!

   The rest of the girl's get trained by Ko Mei Mei's brother so fast, that there's enough time left over for a delightful slo-mo naked frolic in the river!

   But it turns out the girl's are terrible at fighting, Yoda should have stepped in and said "Complete your training bitches"! Instead of a final battle, we get one of the clumsiest, humiliating displays ever, as the girl's fall into pit fall after clusterfuck! 

We're Doomed!

Seek this one out, immediately its incredible! It's so tasteless and enjoyable. Thanks to http://www.coolasscinema.com/ for jogging my memory about this rare film, they had very informative credits too, better than Imdb.com, which has been letting me down lately with their spotty information. Run out and grab a copy, prepare to have your mind knocked out of your skull!

Available through Diabolik DVD  

OK, I give up!

Human Lanterns

Human Lanterns 1982 Directed By Sun Chung Starring Lieh Lo. (1982)

   In a beautiful garden, Master Tan (Kuan Tai Chen) and Lung (Tony Liu) are two high society gentlemen having their annual lantern festival and showboating their kickass prized lamps before a captivated audience. There are a lot of decorative Chinese lanterns used to illicit envy in a society of extremely wealthy and dirt poor.

   Don't expect a ghoulish bloodbath or you will be disappointed, but this film is more rewarding in the final moments than you’d think!  

   Human Lanterns is steeped in the wuxia genre (or Chinese Martial Arts) and is a more reserved effort than the all out freaky-deaky trademark style of the Shaw Bros studio. 

    Tan acts like a total showboat dickhead and constantly tries to upstage Lung. Master Lung goes down the street to see an elderly drunk who takes him over to an old foe named Chao-Chung Fang (played by Shaw Brothers staple actor Lieh Lo), so he can win the lamp contest. I love Lieh Lo, he is an actor that should've gotten the lifetime achievement award for superiority and excellence in the art of character acting.

Chinese Aqua-Lung, my friend... 

   Fang is insulted that Lung wants to use him for his own gain, especially since he slashed his face in battle, years before. Lung tricks him into thinking his old enemy will profit as well. He manipulates Fang and later on takes revenge by donning a ghoulish mask and skinning people connected to Lung. It's hard for me to feel sorry for the pompous Lung and he kinda deserves all the punishment.

   To make up for lost time, Lung takes Fang to a whorehouse to cheer him up, but it obviously doesn’t work. Fang is a hideous sight in that ghastly mask and the way he flips around, it reminds me of the creature in that Tom Savini directed Tales From The Darkside episode "Halloween Candy".

Is that you Rum Tum Tugger?...Meow!

    Fang attacks a hooker and cackles as he peeks at her genitals! The sadistic monster then cracks open her head, pours in silver liquid and pulls off her flesh in big rag sized chunks!!!

   It appears in the daytime in a forest and fights Tan's sister, who wields a sword, but she still gets trapped in a giant sack. He hangs his human skin trophies in a creepy mill.

That fan looks fierce girlfriend!

   The two masters (Tan and Fang) battle it out inside a restaurant, toss water jugs at each other and fly around. Sergeant Poon (Giggle…Gafaw)! is on the case and tries to pin the disappearance of Tan's sister on Lung. The monster is a welcome sight that breaks up the monotony of sword fighting and later gets into a final showdown with Lung and Tan. My favorite scene toward the end has Lung actually seeing Fang's lantern work and he is mesmerized! I thought it would be great if he just said, "Fuck it, it was worth all the trouble for these high quality lamps"!

   If I were to settle in for a generic sword fight flick, I'd be surprised to see it involved a goblin that rips off the flesh of woman! However, the title is Human Lanterns and I'm all geared up for something on the bat-shit crazy level of Boxer's Omen and we don't get that here. There are lots of Shaw Bros motifs missing, no maggots, zombies, vomiting, full bush and besides this, the only straight laced Shaw Bros flick I ever saw was Five Deadly Venoms (which bored me & skunkape to sleep). I guess I'm saying, if they called this Lantern Town instead of Human Skin Lanterns, I would have been less disappointed, but stick it out because it evolves into a commentary on hierarchy and redemption, really I’m not kidding!

Shave and a Haircut

Collect them all, while supplies last

Help, I'm lost again!

       

Oily Maniac

Oily Maniac Directed By Meng Hua Ho Starring Danny Lee (1976).

         It starts off with a murky sewage covered behemoth erupting from an oil slick while a credit montage of monkeys climb up trees and hurl coconuts in Malaysia. This is not the usual Shaw Brothers fare, it’s more of a rubber monster movie with some nudity and it’s a blast! The Yang Clan, a bunch of hawaiian shirt wearing thugs are trying to muscle in on a deed for an inherited Coconut Oil factory. The deed was given to Mr. Sheung a man crippled by polio who is the anti-hero of our feature tonight.

         His Uncle Ah Ba gets captured and sent to death row but has a secret for Fu Sheung (played by Danny Lee), a Malay spell that will transform him into a hulking avenger who must do right or suffer consequences worse then death. Shueng’s corrupt boss Mr. Hu is responsible for all the shitty things in his life and like all villains in this flick, they will soon end up monster mashed!         

         After getting drunk one night he finds the magic spell, which tells him to dig a hole in the middle of the floor in his living room. Once he journeys beneath a pool of sludge, he transforms into the oily monster (or maniac). His uncle's daughter is almost attacked, but he stops them in the form or a chroma keyed puddle that sluices in unsuspected. There's a random rape trial that interrupts the flow alittle then it goes back to Uncle Ah Ba's daughter, who Shueng is pining for. She doesn't love him and he’s pissed off and believes that she rejects him just because he's crippled. He has a chip on his shoulder about having to walk on crutches and takes out vengeance through his monster incarnation and half the time it’s unmerited rage.

          When he becomes the creature, a similar theme to Jaws is heard and he can even fill up at a gas station and transform.         

           Shueng really flies off the handle and jumps to conclusions and kills before thinking (he strangles a random girl in the bathtub). Later on, he overhears about a botched surgery and mistakenly breaks into a vaginal rejuvenation doctor's operating room and kills everyone! Sheung is able to transform at will and always uses his powers for evil, which is what his uncle warned him not to do. Whenever he wants to turn into the oily maniac all he has to do is jump into a bucket of toxic grease. There is not much gore in this one for a Shaw Brothers flick, but it’s highly entertaining and worth checking out! The same director who made Black Magic and Mighty Peking Man helmed this one, think of it as the inspiration for The Toxic Avenger and a distant relative to Swamp Thing (who debuted in 1971).

Sir let me top off your tank

A funny thing happened at the gynecologist

VCD LINK

Killer Snakes

Killer Snakes (She Sha Shou) Directed By Chih-Hung Kuei. Starring Kwok Lueng-Gan (1975).

            After Calamity Of Snakes this polished cinematic opus looks like an amphibian Citizen Kane! I actually switched this one off during lunch time to get a breather from the geek show carnage of Calamity, then had to just turn both of them off and enjoy my lunch. I have a phobia of watching real animals die while I’m eating (even non meat dishes). Killer Snakes has many of The Shaw Brothers staples you’ve come to know and love (Full bush, sadism), but this is a different breed of animal revenge film. It’s not like Black Magic or Seeding Of A Ghost because its missing maggots, voodoo and sorcery, instead its replaced by geek show antics! Killer Snakes takes the S&M subgenre and throws in slimy reptiles (still intrigued?, then like me you’ve got mental problems)!!

            The protagonist is a kitchen worker named Zhihong (played by Kwok Lueng-Gan), who seems harmless enough and feels empathy for a wounded snake that had an organ removed. The snake got off easy compare too the poor bastards that were mashed into pulp in Calamity Of Snakes. The same Asian remedies for everything under the sun are promised on the streets by snake oil salesman (literally!) and con artists. There is a lot of truth to this depiction and illegal organs and exotic animals sadly are senselessly killed and sold as delicacies and medicine in Hong Kong even today. Already you must be thinking that Killer Snakes has a lot more depth than Calamity and you’re half right!           

            At first I felt sorry for this demented loner/ kitchen worker. But as you may know from films like Ebola Syndrome and Maniac 2: Mr. Robbie, kitchen workers are psychotic madmen hell bent on poisoning people! The cobra telepathically summons his army of blood-thirsty snakes that await to strike who ever Zhihong thinks deserve punishment, like girls who won’t put out! He pathetically strikes up a relationship with a cute girl, but he’s too unhinged to act normal for three minutes. He goes back to hanging out with creatures that never talk back.  According to a user on IMDB.com, Snakes is actually based on two films Willard  and Stanley (two killer animal films one with Moe Green straight after The GodFather!), this doesn’t bother me, because the Shaw Brothers are so incredibly talented that they could ripoff RoboCop and I’d still think it was a good as the original! If you are looking for a sleazy demented killer reptile flick with S&M and revenge dished out by the underdog against an uncaring society, then check it out. But what ever you do try not to watch two snake flicks in a row like I did, because you will psychologically compare them. This one is a lot easier on the eyes then a lot of Hong Kong horror and Kung Fu epics by The Shaw team. 

Available for rent on Netflix.

Seeding Of A Ghost

Seeding of a Ghost (Aka Zhong Gui or Black Magic 5) Directed By Chuan Yang.  Starring Norman Chu. (1983)

From the Shaw Brothers Studio, the people that brought you top quality martial arts flicks and black magic, zombie, maggot infested trash. When you watch any of the Black Magic related films you are in for a treat, because most of them have lots of nudity,vomiting and spine tingling action scenes all shot with flair and top quality style. The film begins with a grave digging sorcerer who pops out of the cemetery only to be struck down by a taxi. He materializes in the back seat, scaring the bejeasus out of our protagonist; Philip Ko. Right from the start he is warned by the wizard with a dime store cannibal wig that there are consequences attached to black magic and that his family will most likely die. The lighting, cinematography and color schemes throughout are all well represented. All kinds of moral lessons are set up early based on chance, luck, infidelity and the negative effects that black magic will bring. The taxi driver’s wife Irene cheats on him with a bad ass mahjong player and a gratuitous shower scene and naked frolic in the woods follow. In almost every Shaw Brothers film you are always guaranteed a slice of hair pie, so brace yourself horndogs.

 For her actions of infidelity, while running into an abandoned house, two punks coincidentally rape her then toss her around for a while and finally accidentally throw her through a window, where she gets impaled and dies. They were never sent to get her intentionally, but the film sure sets it up that way. On the soundtrack there are loud incessant crickets, perhaps in a Shakespearean way signally that nature is rejecting the supernatural elements about to take place in the guise of revenge. A magic glowing green spare tire leads Ko to his wife’s corpse. Abusive cops in Hawaiian shirts show up and immediately accuse him of the crime. Just like in Street Law, Class of 1984 and others in the grand tradition of stupid authority figures bungling up the rules and siding with the degenerates of society, the Eastern version of that is present in this brilliant film.

Meanwhile at the Hong Kong version of Three’s Companys  resident pick up bar The Regal Beagle, The rapist punks attack Phillip Ko again with pipes and faced with nowhere to turn he visits the witchdoctor.

The first half of the film is alittle slow but stick it out till the end and your eyeballs will be rewarded with some of the weirdest shit ever captured on screen! The warlock describes how the method of leading Ko’s wife to her killers apartment is the concept of The Seeding of a Ghost. He warns again that to use black magic for revenge is a death sentence for all involved.

The process begins with his wife’s rotten corpse being covered with giant banana leaves and other rat house crazy ass Screamin Jay Hawkins type shit! The black magician begins to rub a human skull and chants as he covers his wife’s dead body with coco butter (she’s very ashy)! Meanwhile at one of the poor punk’s house, while his mom fixes him dinner awful things begin to happen. She barfs all over the house and worms pour out of his mouth. At the other villain’s house (there are three involved, the Mahjong champion and the two raper punks). A Fear Factor looking feast of Yogurt brains inside a skull is eaten, which causes his mom to vomit. That family ends up battling mysterious ghost fluids and erupting toilets!  You’d think the weirdness would end there in a final crescendo, but it is just beginning! I won’t dare give it all away but it involves cartoon sex and necrophilia and giant tentacles. Highly Recommended! The film is available on Youtube with subs but I urge you to rent it from NetFlix because the screen transfer quality is much better and it has tons of great trailers.
Youtube Link

or Buy it here for only 10 bucks!