Movie Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

Evils of the Night Directed by Mardi Rustam, starring Tina Louise (1985).

"Space aliens enlist the aid of garage mechanics to procure local beach bunnies for blood transfusions and life extension experiments". 

While the above comes off like a droll TV Guide-styled parody of a grade-Z science fiction film, such a movie exists: Mardi Rustam's notorious Evils of the Night! Bad lighting, bad editing, inane plot, bottom-of-the-barrel costumes and humiliated movie and TV stars are dropped into the stew for a feature that has to be seen to be disbelieved.

After a twirling disco light lands at a nearby lake, said space aliens (Carradine, Louise and Newmar) abetted by some outer space lesbians, who hold hands and look knowingly into each other’s eyes -- commandeer a nearby hospital and begin to thin out the area's local youths. Paying two local grease monkeys (Brand and Ray) in gold coins to abduct the area's bimbos and stud muffins for unwilling test subjects, Carradine, Louise and Carradine begin a series of vampiric blood transfusions. The majority Evils of the Night literally takes place in a garage, adding yet another level of threadbare production value.

yeah but it's not just any garage, it's the cheapest in town!

Evils of the Night enjoyed a limited theatrical release in the waning days of the Drive-In and grindhouse. Its cult reputation would arrive once released to VHS, where drunken frat boys would chug beers, roll their eyes to exclaim, “Look, its Catwoman and Ginger from 'Gilligan's Island!' What the hell happened?” While he's listed low on the credits, disgraced actor Aldo Ray has a lot of screen time. A onetime matinee idol, Ray's name alone on a VHS box at that would serve as fair warning to keep on walkin', back in the day.

I need some more of that medical shit to endure this movie Bob! 

Where to begin? Aforementioned pros such as Carradine, Brand and company are inter-cut with adult video stars Amber Lynn, Shone Taylor, Crystal Breeze and Jerry Butler in some scene of nudity and soft-core grouping in the service of a slasher missing chase scenes. The gory climax is set in the aforementioned claustrophobic garage as the terrified teens mete out justice on their tormentors with electrical power tools. The end ….

can I get some of that poofy 80's hair cream rinse, I'm addicted!

Director Mardi Rustam, the producer of Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive, reunited with that film's madman, Brand, to make something … memorable. Vinegar Syndrome's combo Blu-ray/DVD package is a vast improvement in audio and visual quality over the title's previous incarnations on VHS and DVD, but can't deter from the movie's countless indifferently framed and overly lit scenes.
Among the Vinegar Syndrome disc's many extras is the nine-minute mini-documentary “Alien Blood Transfusion.” Aged director Rustam, in a halting tone shares stories behind the making of the film. Rustam claims that one of the main inspirations behind Evils of the Night is The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951), a distinction it shares with that other woebegone alien invasion epic, Plan Nine from Outer Space (1959)! Shot on location in Agoura Hills and Malibu, this tidbit doesn't explain – with so many abundant beach locations nearby, why Evils of the Night takes place around a very stagnant lake surrounded by ugly, overgrown shrubbery. Rustam ends his chat by saying that he's going to sit down and rewatch the film for the first time in many years.

Other extras include optional English subtitles for the hard of hearing, as well as an isolated audio track featuring the soundtrack music and “new wave” songs of composer Robert O. Ragland. Even more substantial is a 93-minute version intended for television markets that appears a bit too racy to show before 11 p.m. on independent TV stations. There are also 24 minutes of outtakes, a TV spot and an incomplete, rough-cut theatrical trailer to round out the package. 

Whether approaching the title with bemused nostalgia or with fresh, astonished eyes, Evils of the Night is sure to leave many experiencing A Good Time with a Bad Film. 

BUY HERE

Starcrash (1979)

STARCRASH (1978)

Dir. Luigi Cozzi, starring Caroline Munro 

Review by Goat Scrote

     "Starcrash" is one of my favorite "so bad they're good" movies. This campy Italian rip-off of "Star Wars" (1977) is a garishly cheesy masterpiece. It also includes generous helpings of "Barbarella" (1968), "Planet of the Vampires" (1965), old "Flash Gordon" serials, "Invaders From Mars" (1953), and even "Jason and the Argonauts" (1963) and the various 70's "Sinbad" movies thrown into the mix. It's a shamelessly cheap and silly fantasy-movie smoothie being poured into our eyeballs.

Things would come full circle when Lucas ripped off this
Jedi vs. droid fight scene in "Phantom Menace".

     The story insults our intelligence ferociously, like a planet-killing death ray of pure stupidity. It's a movie where imagination is not bound by things like logic or physics or basic tenets of storytelling. One ridiculous image after another is painted across the screen in bright psychedelic colors for no deeper purpose than to try to cash in on the success of other, better movies. It’s the kind of science fiction you might expect from an enthusiastic but slightly dim child well into the third day of an epic espresso-and-80s-cartoon-reruns binge.

The Thousand-Year Eagle can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.

     The opening shot of a starship flying past the camera is directly lifted from "Star Wars", but without the excitement and wonder. This hilariously cheap special effect looks like it was accomplished with pieces from model kits, spray paint, and a cosmic panorama of christmas lights. The vessel is attacked by an incomprehensible camera effect which is supposed to represent glowing red space monsters. At least the movie doesn't put on airs, it lets you know right away that it's shit.

My God, it's full of stars! And model parts!

      They even have an introductory text scroll to let us know what’s going on. Basically there’s this guy Darth... pardon me,  Zarth... Arn (Joe Spinell, of “Maniac", 1980) who is a real space jerk. Count Zarth Arn is a Ming the Merciless type villain who is way too smug and self-satisfied about being the most sinister guy in the galaxy. He reminds me of a live-action version of the Monarch from The Venture Brothers cartoon, minus the wings and eyebrows. The Count flies around in a giant claw-shaped spaceship which curls up into a fist when he goes into battle. Don't lie, you know you want one too.

Arn's minions wear
 standard-issue 'I'm With Stupid'
helmets.

"Maniac 3: The Search for Pizza the Hutt"

     Christopher Plummer tries to bring dignity to his role as the benevolent Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe, but you can see him wondering how in the unholy fuck he ended up in the clutches of director Luigi Cozzi (alias Lewis Coates). Most of Mr. Plummer’s scenes were completed in a day, so at least he didn’t have to suffer long. He actually ends up delivering some of the funniest lines in the film during his brief appearances. And his outfit is so shiny!

JJ Abrams was inspired by
Cozzi's brilliant use of lens flare.

I took too much nyborg, how am I
gonna pass the Imperial drug test
now? 

     Marjoe Gortner plays Akton, a mysterious but wise spaceman with mystical powers and a lightsaber. What an original idea! Gortner and his bizarre real life are the subject of the 1972 documentary "Marjoe". Beautiful B-movie queen Caroline Munro plays his buddy Stella Starr, a sexy spaceship pilot, smuggler, and lovable rogue. Han Solo with boobs, basically. These hardened space-criminals take childlike delight in flying their ship around the cosmos avoiding hazards like space police and dime-store special effects.

I wonder if Zarth Arn and I will ever
work together in a Bill Lustig
 slasher movie?

William Katt does a spot-on
impression of Marjoe Gortner.

 




 
The space cops in pursuit are Chief Thor (Robert Tessier) and his robot sidekick Elle (voiced by Hamilton Camp, who has a giant stack of voice work and acting roles to his name). In Christopher Plummer's advanced, galaxy-spanning empire, police droids are built to resemble penises and programmed to speak with the comical twang of a western-movie stereotype.

There's an alien face-hugger 
on my rump and I think I just felt
it implant an embryo!

Be honest. Who has prettier eyes,
me or golden boy up there?

    The cops eventually catch up with the joyriding pair of criminals and toss them in the clink. Stella stages a prison riot to cover her own escape, silently ditching her poor dupes while they eat hot laser from the guards. That bitch is hardcore! Akton and Stella are then conscripted into helping Thor and Elle track down survivors from the ship which was gobbled by red space blobs in the opening scene. David Hasselhoff (in his second film role) plays Prince Simon, who is the son of Emperor Plummer and the sole survivor of the crashed ship. His special weapon is a scary mask with laser eyes. Pew, pew!

Welcome to Burger Overlord.
Please speak into the drive-thru droid to place your order.

     The heroes fight space amazons riding space horses, mutated space cavemen, and a stop-motion giant robot with space breasts. They face a shocking betrayal and other trials during their quest to save Prince Simon. There's an alien judge who looks just like the evil chief Martian in the original “Invaders from Mars” (1953). Stella visits a planet where the temperature falls “thousands of degrees below freezing", or way below absolute zero. She escapes icy death by holding hands with the robot. None of it makes a lick of sense. 

Love child of Krang from "Ninja Turtles" and the
chief alien from "Invaders from Mars"?

...and Ray Harryhausen
spins in his grave 1000 times.

      The spaceships are equipped with ordinary plate glass windows, and when they break and are exposed to the vacuum of space… nothing happens. Torpedoes punch through into the interior of a ship but instead of exploding into balls of nuclear fury, some guys in ridiculous outfits jump out of the missiles and start shooting people with "rifle rays".

     Relax and let the absurdity flow through you.

Throbbing Gristle  cover band.

     After an Imperial offensive against Zarth Arn's mothership fails, the villain prepares to unleash his "Doom Machine" on the homeworld of the Empire. This super-advanced civilization has time-stopping technology and all sorts of other zany space-opera shit. Somehow, though, they just can't figure out how to stop the dopey bad guy. The best option they can come up with is to crash an entire space city into the Count's awesomely evil starship, the "star crash" of the title. I imagine the ensuing collapse of the space-insurance industry and revolt against the Emperor and his idiot generals would throw their civilization into a new dark age. I’m just speculating here, though. Maybe it worked out fine.

Count Zarth Arn will fist-fuck your planet into space dust!

     Multi-Oscar-winning composer John Barry did the score, so the music is better than it has any right to be. Rumor has it that the producers wouldn't show clips of the film to Barry out of fear that he would quit on the spot.

I find this movie quite funny in its own inept way. It has an oddly innocent charm to it, almost as if it was made for children... even though Caroline Munro's outfits were certainly aimed at grown-ups. As with most bad movies, it’s more fun if you invite friends to make fun of it with you.

     Verdict: One of the most entertaining bad movies I have ever seen. Check it out.

     Drinking game: Take a shot every time you notice something lifted directly from another film. (Keep a bucket handy.)

"Prepare to feel the sting of THE MONARCH!"

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: DR. ALIEN

Dr. Alien (I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac) Starring Billy Jacoby, Directed by David DeCoteau (1989).

Judy Landers, the never nude, apparently gets naked in this USA UP ALL NIGHT and cutout bin favorite, well not exactly (stick around and we'll discuss this a little bit later). There's more celebs crammed into this floating space turd than a very special episode of Hollywood Squares!

SHEESH, It sure was a gas!

Billy Jacoby (or now Billy Jayne for some unknown reason) has been in almost every magical 80's film or TV show, just check out his resume on IMDB. Here, I'll name two that would have the most impact on anyone who grew up during that time period, Beastmaster and "The Bishop of Battle" segment of Nightmares, seriously that's all you need and he was also famously in Just One of the Guys!

OOps, my brain wiener came out and I pooped my pants

Jacoby plays Wesley, a total fucking dweeb. At the breakfast table as his family talks about his grades in College, there's a cereal box that spoofs this director's notorious dud Creep'o Zoids, actually I thought this was a clever joke! I'm not sure why I've waited this long to see this movie, I think the stupid cover box scared me off (and sadly I never got to see it on the USA channel). Wesley has a cool dude Stiles from Teenwolf type buddy who tries to convince him to get it on already and date some babes! Coincidentally, Stuart Fratkin as Marvin in this film, actually played Stiles in Teen Wolf Too-- talk about perfect casting!

Shasta, the only soda that makes werewolves choose you as their wingman

Judy Landers plays one sexy biology teacher named Mrs. Xenophobia, which could be taken two ways, had this been a Stand and Deliver type teacher in the ghetto situation, her name literally means "Fear of Immigrants" which would take on an entirely hilarious connotation, but thankfully she is an actual alien, so I guess she must be afraid of herself.

I'm filled with seething hatred for my own kind

She prattles on and on about ejaculation (I guess it's time these 40 year old teens learn about sex ed, am I right)? On the Mr. Skin site, they classify this as sexual (no actual nudity, but apparently she shows one single boob in Armed And Dangerous, if anyone cares).

Wait, does this count as nude, taking off my face?

Wes meets Drax (Raymond O' Connor), Mrs. Xeno's lab assist who looks kind of like Otho from Beetlejuice, only more pint sized and bug eyed. The geeky teen shows up after class because he has the hots for the teacher and wants extra credit. Landers pulls out a Herbert West style neon green syringe and stabs him in the butt. I've heard cases of teachers giving blowjobs to their underage students or getting impregnated by them in the news lately, but this is crossing the line! The shot actually causes Wes to sprout a dick out of the top of his head! 

If you're up there, where are my balls?

Soon after Mrs. X, fully dressed by the way, proceeds to hump her guinea pig student. If you've read my review for Hellhole, then you might remember how Judy Landers suffers from the same condition that befell Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. I like how when he becomes a cool guy, Wes says to his parents, "Sorry I gotta run, no time to eat", does that mean Bulimia is cool, not funny movie! 

Wait, I can't hear you, I forgot how to turn off that scrambler

The cute United Fruitcake Outlet girl from Repo Man played by Olivia Barash is Leaanne, Wes' love interest. He tries to impress her with his new open chested popped white collared shirt look. He gets into a drag race with a jock, both of them have the totally wrong vehicle to be involved in a car chase. The incidental music sounds like if Freddy Mercury went solo and tried to imitate Bobby McFerrin.

As Wes and Leanne go to make out spot, Mrs. Xeno and her assistant hide in the next car wearing hipster shades (the kind Mr. Shoop from Summer School convinced his students to order). The brain boner seems to make girls horny because Leaanne forces herself on him. You'd think the pineal gland in From Beyond would have the same effect, but that deformity only makes you want to suck brains out of eye sockets.

Where we're going we don't need roads or pants

When we do get to see actual nudity it's in the form of awful breast implants (Sorry Julie Grey, I hope you've gotten them fixed since). Linnea Quigley and Ginger Lynn also show their boobs too (but haven't we seen enough of them)? 

You mean you replaced Herbert West's secret formula with Anti-Freeze? Uh oh!

The brain penis finally reveals himself to its owner (why it waited half the movie is anyone's guess). This strangely enough was the least believable part for me, among an ocean of ludicrous scenarios, because whenever the head dick pops out he never noticed it before--I'm not buying it, but I guess it's too late and it doesn't matter anyway. 

Ello Gov', Wink Wink, Say No More!

The highest masturbatory fantasy that's been in almost every straight male's subconscious happens when Wes shows up in the girl's locker room and they all get topless and try to bone him. See all you gotta do is grow a brain penis and all your dreams will come true!

This dude doesn't care about the locker fuck fest though, all he wants to do is impress one girl, Leanne of course. How can he land an honest girl, when all he does is cheat?

His radical buddy comes up with the "genius" plan to have him start a cool rock band to impress her with a rag tag bunch of rockers (one is named Slash, but doesn't wear a top hat). The name of their band is The Sex Mutants (I guess because Alien Sex Fiend was taken). For some reasons the way Billy Jacoby's hair is feathered, it reminded me of the cheeseball look of T.S.O.L.'s lead singer Jack Grisham (which is a band I like by the way).

GIMME MORE COCAIIINNNNNNEEEEE!!!

One of my favorite lines in Dr. Alien when Leanne finds her stupid boyfriend surrounded by groupies is "What happened, Did you start taking asshole pills"? 

Mrs. Xenophobe finally reveals her true face (which is on the box cover, SPOILER ALERT, JEEZ)!

I actually enjoyed this movie, why it's not helmed as a fun 80's classic over the flavorless Earth Girls Are Easy is beyond me!

This flick is available on an overpriced VHS tape on Ebay, or you can join Charles Band's streaming site and see it over there. 

DOESN'T DESERVE THE WORSE THAN PLAN 9 CRITICAL SLAM, MORE FUN THAN YOU'D THINK!