USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Hot Chili

Every May Crank takes a break from churning out the Deep Red inspired gore reviews and lets in the sleaze, boobs and basic cable shenanigans run wild for one glorious week only. At first I dreaded it, but now with most writing projects gone belly up or all together done with like Monster (R.I.P.) and Weng's Chop, they're still around I just don't care to write for them anymore. I need something to look forward to I mean we all do really. So this week get baked, drunk or pop pills and wax all nostalgic like on the early 90's when horror hosts reigned supreme and the airwaves were invaded by freaks like Commander USA, Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried plus things were a lot more sane.We need this shit more than ever. Don't forget to support Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. 

So on with the review.

Hot Chili Directed By William Sachs, Starring Alan Kayser (1985).

Maybe You’ve seen Lemon Popsicle, Hot Pursuit or perhaps Losin' It? Well tuck in Louisa Moritz fans you’re in for a Cannon Films fuck fest!

Well as R rated as humping gets that is and it’s an Impact on demand pick to boot, they’ve shown almost all of the UP ALL NIGHT flicks. Thanks to Sharky for hooking me up with a shit ton of TnA horny teen flicks and hixsploitation like The Ormond Family's 40 acre feud for my birthday.

Stanley the dweeby runt is my favorite character in just the first 5 minutes. We also get Joe Rubbo, the Americanized Huey from Lemon Popsicle from The Last American Virgin. He reminds me of Billy Milano only less of a dumb ass. He acted for only 3 roles and then disappeared into obscurity. It’s pretty shitty how unlike the horny teens in Losin' It, they have to work at a Mexican hotel called the Tropicana Cabana. The comedic situations are very strange and awkward but it's a good time.

Surfin MOD, man what a genius concept record that was.

The 12 year old inside your loins will be high fiving you throughout the duration of this flick. There’s all kinds of naked skanks and wacky naked high jinx. I remember staying up late watching Skin-A-Max in hopes of a seeing so much as a pair of boobs. I don’t want to go into a tirade against the internet because we all know how it’s given and taken away so much to society.

Bill Gates with no street cred or game

There’s a pissed off blonde lady who screams at Stanley the dweeb, she acts like a mean dominatrix in a Benny Hill sped up way—nice try movie you can do better! This hotel has an endless supply of horny blondes of course. I think I spotted the piss drinking blonde from Island of Death, I still can’t believe that movie even exists and I’ll never look at Greeks the same way again. 

I drank pee once, it tasted like hot dog water.

When the fat kid walks in to get some, she calls him “Strudel Boy”, I don’t know why either and it’s just weird. Her husband calls him “Salami Boy”. The Golan Globus dudes who wrote this must be into domination because there’s a lot of that kind of kinky shit going on. Who am I to judge? Rob Z’Dar plays a rubbery faced German dude (don't blink or you'll miss this cameo). The comedy consists of foreign people yelling, it’s kind of stupid. But of course it is, what did you expect? The angriest Mexican dude is named Cortez the Turd, he rules with an iron shit. Chi Chi the hot chili pepper (were I gather the title comes from) is pretty helpful and in real life seemingly desperate, so next time you see Louisa Moritz, give her an extra 20 when you pay for her autograph at the Chiller con. Oh yeah and I spotted the head vampire from Polanski's Fearless Vampire Killers in a bar scene. He wasn't drinking a bloody mary like the Warren Zevon song would go into a diatribe about.

carlos the turd

There’s not really much of a story other than a bunch of kids at a wacky sex hotel stumbled onto horny situations and later on their families show up but don’t worry it doesn’t turn into incest-city thankfully!

Ricky’s extremely Jewish family shows up and his Dad tries to get into the blonde’s drawers (Victoria Barrett), the same one who yelled at Stanley. I noticed the dial a psychiatrist from Don’t Answer the Phone is also at one of the tables in the restaurant, she orders ice cream and doesn’t specify a flavor.

She’s not credited on IMDB for this flick. Yet another internet mystery that I found pretty shocking, Stanley (Chuck Hemmingway) died at the young age of 32 but there’s no info about his death, he appeared in Neon Maniacs and My Science Project as well. Maybe he was really Scott Backula and his work on earth was done. There are some elements of a lost Lemon Popsicle flick like Private Popsicle or something (that aforementioned flick is positively horrendous)! This one although a bit tedious is pretty funny for an oddball movie.  

guess my work is done here see ya tomorrow Ziggy.

Voices From Beyond

Voices From Beyond Directed By Lucio Fulci, Starring Karina Huff (1991).

Maybe you heard that Fulci made a kids movie about a lovable wolf dog named White Fang with Franco Nero and wanted to check it out. Well, if you like extreme gore and sexual violence try this made for TV romp instead! It begins with an old dude named Giorgio (Duilio Del Prete) in the middle of boning his lady friend while an annoying moppet rudely interrupts. He grabs a knife and goes to silence the kid. It gets pretty ugly as he stabs the shit outta him. Amazon Prime bought a bunch of Code Red flicks that are currently streaming. So don’t sleep on it, because they may all be gone soon. CR is one of those elusive companies that I've bitched about in the past, they promise all these exploitative gems bursting with extras (like the Human Experiments one that had Vincent Gallo interviewing Lynda Haynes that may not even exist) and they all fetch for high ass prices on Ebay and are either in the hands of a select few or impossible to find.

Shut up about Vincent Gallo, I'm gonna retch!

Lucio Fulci wrote the script as well, which is rare for him. The lighting is very soft on a tele novella style and Stelvio Cipriani really phones in a terrible score which is a tragedy because he’s one of the best soundtrack guys.

We get lots of the normal eye zooms and weird looking people which is patented Fulci trait. During a nasty abdominal incision performed by the director himself, they don’t even bother to shave his belly, it’s pretty vile!

OK so this is where the mangina will go.

We do in deed hear the "voices from beyond" as advertised. There’s a lot of Italian dudes in weird oversized dykey glasses. Rosy (Karina Huff) a frumpy but mildly attractive girl comes home to find all these bitches hated her dad (the guy in the beginning who stabs the kid). We see the currently dead Giorgio’s past encounters and we get to meet the performers this way. Even after death he doesn’t stop quawking. Blab Blab blab, at one point he continues to talk even after worms are munching on the cartilage of his face!

JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!

Rosey looks like an extra from Full House and she keeps having nightmares of him chasing her. Man what happened to Fulci? I think it has a lot to do with him separating from his best screen writer Dardano Sachetti. At the time, Sachetti was writing for Fabrizio De Angelis and working on a few TV shows like The Return of Ribot (whatever that was). You’d have to put up with a lot of dopeyness to like this one it’s pretty retarded.

Am I stylin' or what?

There’s an old dude they refer to as a mummy that actor was in the Van Damme Rodman flick Double Team and Cannibal Holocaust, impressed? We get some Jess Franco looking zombies in a dream sequence, man how low has Fulci sunk to rely on shitty zombies? This is almost depressing. Rosy shows off her weird boobs, so stick around for that or maybe just take a nap and set an alarm. Oh and there’s a bunch of talking eyeballs that squirt blood! Keep in mind these are nightmares and possibly a record for dream sequences. The film was dedicated to Clive Barker. If you want to simultaneously be depressed and amused than dial this flick up on instant. More Code Red goodies are available so check them out before they disappear again or don't see if I care!

I taught Rodman everything about North Korea

Do my boobs look that weird?

Chained Heat

Chained Heat Directed by Paul Nicholas, Starring Linda Blair (1983).

There’s been a serious lack of Linda Blair or John Vernon films on TOG, which has been around for over 5 years!

I dunno why I waited so long, maybe it’s because we’ve scraped all the brine out of the pickle barrel (or the Deep Red catalog) and have all the mangled shitty flicks left like Joe’s Toe Tag autopsy vid (thanks William Wilson for the tip off on that hideous home movie that was sold on Ebay for 70$).

So, we decided to venture back into the beaded curtain of the 80’s Adult soft core area and bust out the goods, our perverted readers demanded it! Well, actually I just really love this movie and wanted to wax nostalgia like all over it—ahem excuse me.

Sweet! The meter's out of order!

So yeah, this is one of Linda Blair’s wimpiest performances but Dean Wormer or John Vernon’s most outstanding, they both were in another rape revenge classic Savage Streets together. Think of them as the Dolly and Porter of the sleazoid exploitation circuit, sure let’s go with that old school Nashville reference. In my review for Julie Darling, (which was written and directed by Paul Nicholas the same person for this film, I called Chained Heat the “Citizen Kane of WIP flicks”). That’s right it’s that good or if you missed that reference go with the Mr. Burns lost his teddy bear Bobo episode of the Simpsons!

It starts off in lewd fashion with a rapist pig played by Robert Miano, he looks like David Hess crossbred with Damone from Fast Times. He goes to molest a blonde armed with a fake gun as 5 cops blast away at her grassy knoll, magic bullet style—from all angles and blow her to bits. That’s just a set up for more extreme ridiculousness yet to come or the fuse in this powder keg of debauchery.

The first time I saw this trashter-piece classic was on Showtime’s dirty secret, the FLIX network (or at least back in the good old days it was). The acting range is on par with another fun WIP boneriffic flick Reform School Girls, and everything is sleazy and over the top—it’s incredible. Linda Blair is Carol Henderson, a goodie two shoes prison virgin who mopes a lot and is too vulnerable for the usual take charge nature of the former Exorcist, Roller Boogie, Night Patrol star. All the girls are cartoonish stereotypes and the authority in charge are a million times worse. The first we see Ernie the warden (John Vernon) is when he’s soaking in his office scum tub getting all naked with Penthouse Pet and Amazon Women on the Moon star Monique Gabrielle. The water they bathe in is pee colored—RETCHHHHHH.

Every character is constantly in the middle of making lurid back alley deals, trading favors for drugs and whatnot. Louisa Moritz from The Last American Virgin is in a brief cameo in the holding cell as Bubbles. 

Tamara Dobson, the leader of the Black gang hisses “I told you, I don’t deal shit” and she’s always extremely clenched up and serious. Her most famous role was Cleopatra Jones and this was one of the last films she appeared in.

Billionaires sucking up to Putin? Not in my America. 

Snitches are dealt with accordingly in this boiler room looking cellblock with extremely long hallways. This cast is a mix of nameless bimbos and cult stars like Stella Stevens, Henry Silva and Sybil Danning (who shows her beautiful meat balloons often), plus everyone is dynamic and fun to watch. Sybil and her white trash sidekick Bobbie (Dee Biederbeck) are my favorites. She has this giant comb over and has bulging eyes and a short stature. She looks like one of the bad girls from that high school scene in Female Trouble. The girls immediately fuck with Carol and her surrogate protector Val played by the extremely intense Sharon Hughes. She’s been in a couple of films almost always getting naked and apparently was the inspiration for Little Red Corvette by Prince. She was in a film I reviewed for Monster #31 called Grotesque with Tab Hunter and Linda Blair as well. There’s some hilarious graffiti on the walls, like penises, pentagrams and smiling Raisin Bran looking suns.

Bitch don’t make me bust out 2 scoops of raisins! 

Stella and Henry Silva are a corrupt super team and get uncomfortably close with each other, I mean it’s icky. But it’s a total ruse, they’re stabbing each other in the back.

Dobson overly emotes in the most unhinged way and delivers her lines in that manner. If you ever wanted to see Sybil Dancing massage Linda Blair's boobs, while girls sporting full bush frolic in the background, this one’s gotcha covered. Carol is such a whimpering victim, very against type for Linda. Ernie the warden has the most swinging bachelor pad office, with a stuffed tiger, hot tub and most likely hep C.

Yeah I aborted Rick James' baby, so what!

There’s some light racism, nothing as overt as Alan Clarke’s SCUM. Sybil calls Dobson a “Nigger” though and they fight by a chainlink fence, but it only registers as general horsin’ around. There’s a fake Bette Midler or Elaine Boozler named Spider, who gets fucked over and licks her razor toothbrush weapon. That actress’ name is Carole Ita White, she’s been in almost every women in prison movie like The Naked Cage, Hellhole and also Savage Streets. Henry Silva has a secret pimpin’ operation where he peddles the prison bitches to rich cokeheads at a fancy party.

I'm so happy I could cry.

  

John Vernon must’ve done this movie for scale or for even less, I mean he constantly gets to cuddle with naked babes in his office. Val (Sharon Hughes) who’s got some high assed processed hair, requests some Mr. Bubble and puts her feet in his face.

Later on, it all escalates into a gratuitous prison riot. One of my favorite parts is when the night stick wielding guard goes to beat Carol and she spits out “You Must Love Pain”. It’s definitely an intentionally dominatrix kinky moment. It doesn’t get any better than this women in prison film, it’s makes all others fall flat in comparison. The weirdest part to me is how hard it is to find, there is a Mr. Skin triple DVD pack with two clunkers (well, I need to watch Red Heat also with Blair). Bottom line is, this flick deserves better and someone should re-release it pronto.