USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Hot Chili

Every May Crank takes a break from churning out the Deep Red inspired gore reviews and lets in the sleaze, boobs and basic cable shenanigans run wild for one glorious week only. At first I dreaded it, but now with most writing projects gone belly up or all together done with like Monster (R.I.P.) and Weng's Chop, they're still around I just don't care to write for them anymore. I need something to look forward to I mean we all do really. So this week get baked, drunk or pop pills and wax all nostalgic like on the early 90's when horror hosts reigned supreme and the airwaves were invaded by freaks like Commander USA, Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried plus things were a lot more sane.We need this shit more than ever. Don't forget to support Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. 

So on with the review.

Hot Chili Directed By William Sachs, Starring Alan Kayser (1985).

Maybe You’ve seen Lemon Popsicle, Hot Pursuit or perhaps Losin' It? Well tuck in Louisa Moritz fans you’re in for a Cannon Films fuck fest!

Well as R rated as humping gets that is and it’s an Impact on demand pick to boot, they’ve shown almost all of the UP ALL NIGHT flicks. Thanks to Sharky for hooking me up with a shit ton of TnA horny teen flicks and hixsploitation like The Ormond Family's 40 acre feud for my birthday.

Stanley the dweeby runt is my favorite character in just the first 5 minutes. We also get Joe Rubbo, the Americanized Huey from Lemon Popsicle from The Last American Virgin. He reminds me of Billy Milano only less of a dumb ass. He acted for only 3 roles and then disappeared into obscurity. It’s pretty shitty how unlike the horny teens in Losin' It, they have to work at a Mexican hotel called the Tropicana Cabana. The comedic situations are very strange and awkward but it's a good time.

Surfin MOD, man what a genius concept record that was.

The 12 year old inside your loins will be high fiving you throughout the duration of this flick. There’s all kinds of naked skanks and wacky naked high jinx. I remember staying up late watching Skin-A-Max in hopes of a seeing so much as a pair of boobs. I don’t want to go into a tirade against the internet because we all know how it’s given and taken away so much to society.

Bill Gates with no street cred or game

There’s a pissed off blonde lady who screams at Stanley the dweeb, she acts like a mean dominatrix in a Benny Hill sped up way—nice try movie you can do better! This hotel has an endless supply of horny blondes of course. I think I spotted the piss drinking blonde from Island of Death, I still can’t believe that movie even exists and I’ll never look at Greeks the same way again. 

I drank pee once, it tasted like hot dog water.

When the fat kid walks in to get some, she calls him “Strudel Boy”, I don’t know why either and it’s just weird. Her husband calls him “Salami Boy”. The Golan Globus dudes who wrote this must be into domination because there’s a lot of that kind of kinky shit going on. Who am I to judge? Rob Z’Dar plays a rubbery faced German dude (don't blink or you'll miss this cameo). The comedy consists of foreign people yelling, it’s kind of stupid. But of course it is, what did you expect? The angriest Mexican dude is named Cortez the Turd, he rules with an iron shit. Chi Chi the hot chili pepper (were I gather the title comes from) is pretty helpful and in real life seemingly desperate, so next time you see Louisa Moritz, give her an extra 20 when you pay for her autograph at the Chiller con. Oh yeah and I spotted the head vampire from Polanski's Fearless Vampire Killers in a bar scene. He wasn't drinking a bloody mary like the Warren Zevon song would go into a diatribe about.

carlos the turd

There’s not really much of a story other than a bunch of kids at a wacky sex hotel stumbled onto horny situations and later on their families show up but don’t worry it doesn’t turn into incest-city thankfully!

Ricky’s extremely Jewish family shows up and his Dad tries to get into the blonde’s drawers (Victoria Barrett), the same one who yelled at Stanley. I noticed the dial a psychiatrist from Don’t Answer the Phone is also at one of the tables in the restaurant, she orders ice cream and doesn’t specify a flavor.

She’s not credited on IMDB for this flick. Yet another internet mystery that I found pretty shocking, Stanley (Chuck Hemmingway) died at the young age of 32 but there’s no info about his death, he appeared in Neon Maniacs and My Science Project as well. Maybe he was really Scott Backula and his work on earth was done. There are some elements of a lost Lemon Popsicle flick like Private Popsicle or something (that aforementioned flick is positively horrendous)! This one although a bit tedious is pretty funny for an oddball movie.  

guess my work is done here see ya tomorrow Ziggy.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: 976-EVIL

976-EVIL Directed By Robert Englund, starring Stephen Geoffreys (1988).

Alright, here we go for the 2nd year in a row of this awesome celebration of all things Rhonda & Gottfried! For the beginning of May, we take a break from Deep Red or Chas Balun and delve into the nostalgia of this raunchy short lived show on a network that currently spews out Law and Order reruns and Mr. Robot (lame). We're gonna have special guest reviewers joining in and it'll be a blast! If that doesn't get your attention, hopefully this nudie shot of Rhonda's tokhis will draw in more fans, I mean it worked on 4-chan when we reviewed The Ladies Club. I'd also like to mention that I'm hooked on GG's Amazing Colossal Podcast, check it out!

I call this bowling trick, the mooseknuckle shuffle.

In the late 80's to early 90's on the USA Network, this was one of the first ways horror nerds (those that dug Troma especially) got their nocturnal trash movie fix. They showed everything from beach party flicks, horny Teensploitations or Porky-sploitations to mostly censored slashers (sad trumpet). But, Hey that's the kind of shit we had to endure back then in the pre-internet world of flipping a squiggled Playboy channel back and forth in order to possibly catch a glimpse of titty. They were served up by two hosts, the very attractive bubbly Rhonda Shear and the ear punishing perpetually squinting Gilbert Gottfried. Before that we had Commander USA (who played the same flicks but on his own separate show). There was also one host named Caroline Schlitt, who I'm still not sure or not if it wasn't just a pre-bleach blonded Rhonda Shear incognito. All of these guys were influenced by Ghoulardi, Svengoolie, Elvira, Ron "The Ghoul" Swede and Zacherely. Modern day horror hosts sort of continue on in an underground level like Creepy Kofy Movie Time and Nashville's Dr. Gangrene. It's a grand tradition that's sort of bit the dust and is strictly a product of nostalgia just like everything on this site, get why we're suspending the usual pap for this special interruption, good let's move onto the review.

you people make me wanna Potrzebie my guts out!

It's hard to believe but I've only seen this Freddy Krueger directed cheese-tacular classic once. It stars everyone's favorite vampiric gay porn actor Stephen Geoffrey's and some of the most dated fashion victim looking street toughs available. 976 is teeming with the kind of 80's bleach blonde dyed rat tailed dweebs you've seen murdered by the corpses of "Back From The Grave" album covers. 

that'll learn ya to stray from anything not approved by Crypt Records!

Hoax (Geoffrey's character) looks and acts like a retarded man child and dresses in baby jammies. He gets busted by his mom for sneaking a peek at "Nat Geo" boobs, how sad can u get!

His next door neighbor and cousin Spike, who he's enamored/ infatuated with is a greasy pony tailed mook. Patrick O'Bryan has got a repulsive Stephen Dorf, but more inbred vibe and after appearing in the sequel never acted again. I'd imagine he's picking up litter on the side of the highway, busted for peddling angel dust to minors.

this primitive E-cig is bitchin

Sandy Dennis is their domineering typical religious wacko mom. I love the scene later on when her body cavity is eaten out by a ton of carnivorous cats! She looks very John Waters or Tammy Faye Baker-ish, I liked her more in this than in Parents. Spike keeps calling a mysterious horoscope 976 number and it escalates into freaky biblical shit like fish raining from the sky. It's also killing random people that owe it something, souls perhaps or unpaid bills. You'd think the insanely high phone charges would be enough torture but the demons behind the novelty phone company want their due. Come to think of it, a lot of 80's slasher figures had their own 976 numbers, I remember this one for Halloween 5, where if you didn't call someone might die and of course the Freddy one.

One of the punks who wears a Blossom hat actually sports an I Drink Your Blood/ I Eat Your Skin shirt! I mean he racks up gore nerd points for that alone, why doesn't Hoax try to get along with him?

my favorite Black Flag album is "What the..."

Patrick O'Bryan, the main actor is pretty terrible and has zero presence, no wonder he left the acting world. I don't think you're supposed to like him, but he sure chews up a lot of film stock.

Suzie, Spike's girlfriend has a fun time with his dorky Stephen Geoffreys at a pizza parlor.

He kind of blows his chances with her by being nice to a spider and creeping her out, oh yeah and he carries her dirty underwear in his pocket! Way to go bonehead! This guy is hard to root for and slowly he gets obsessively addicted to the two bit fortunes of the 976 "horror-scope" hot line. He then builds a satanic alter, lays in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by phones and conducts a spell against Suzie (Lezlie Deane). Man, this dude is going about this all wrong! This scene seems inspired by the Shaw Brothers Black Magic sequels as tons of tarantulas spew out of her TV dinner and she dies.

I got game Evil Ed, you got blue balls! 

A Fake Gary Sinise investigates the 976 building, which is run by Mark Dark, played by Bob Picardo with the sniffles, you may know him from every other Joe Dante film and as Meg Mucklebones from Legend, I love that actor! He doesn't stick around for long and mentions how the satanic hotline is operating on its own. Sadly, they hardly use this actor and it's kind of a wasted role.

Hoax starts becoming more demonic and sprouts razor claws (did he borrow them from the director)?

He rapidly turns more possessed and is on the prowl out for revenge. The transformation makeup by Kevin Yagher is top notch and he starts to resemble a vicious possum or a feral cat with cracking skin and a bloody cheek. 

Don't be peanut butter jealous

It seems like the punks are constantly gambling, maybe they're in some kind of "light weight hell".

Once Hoax gets more demonified, he wears cheesy John Lennon or maybe Peter Murphy glasses and of course makes stupid Krueger wisecracks. He needs a brick wall and a blazer like a comedian from the 80s. They play this Evil Dead 2 style noise when the evil powers consume his body. I wonder if anyone else noticed this, it may possibly be an extension of the Wes Craven versus Sam Raimi of who's scarier continued on by Englund himself. I almost wish Freddy Krueger was behind this whole satanic conspiracy (in the film not only behind the director megaphone). The most hokey scene, which I still enjoyed anyway for it's bold ineptitude is when the pits of Dante-esque icy Hell on earth begins to emerge and the production values are on par with a vocational school. It just falls flat and needed a few rewrites but it's OK for what it is, just a bizarre film from that loveable weirdo of Fright Night and Fraternity Vacation fame. If you're a Freddy or even a Stephen Geoffreys completist (including the gay porn), you gotta see it.