USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: LAND OF THE MINOTAUR AKA DEVIL'S MEN

Land of the Minotaur Directed by Kostas Karagiannis, Starring Donald Pleasance (1976).

Anytime I see the Crown (Royal) International car decal logo I get nervous and feel like I need to be heavily medicated or smashed beyond comprehension to enjoy the preceding film. Some of the titles that have impressed me over the years from that company are Don’t Answer the Phone, Blood Mania, Deathrow Gameshow (which is gonna be reviewed this week), Malibu Beach (which Vinegar Syndrome is putting out soon), 9 Deaths of the Ninja, Jocks, The Lurkers (which kind of sucked) and I have yet to watch Galaxina all the way through.

That's when I reach for the bottle

OK, let me stop the review and grab a beer before I chicken out! So far, this opening is amazing, we’ve got Peter Cushing and a sect of multi-colored hooded satanic Klansmen leading the sacrifice of two hippies underneath a giant fire snorting statue or “The Minotaur”. The tripped-out moaning, combined with mellotron by Brian Eno of all people is pretty unsettling! And we’ve got Mr. DP or Donald “Pewooma man” Pleasance as a knit cap wearing pontiff. All the plucky youngsters have that unkempt 70’s look and they all seem to respect this dude. This flick was on USA UP ALL NIGHT and was even mentioned on the Avclub, that site has been pretty lackluster lately but after decades of shifting writers it has to eventually suffer.

One dude in the trio looks a lot like Barry Gibb (or Charles Manson) and another--stop the presses, needle scratch noise, holy shit! It turns out this flick is Greek and features many of the cast from Island of Death including the guy who pisses on that blonde women (Chuck Berry R.I.P.) and the pee gobbler herself Jessica Dublin, who sadly just died but man, what a legacy! Robert Behling the pee guy, who I guess I could also call the goat or sister fucker plays Donald's fictional son. Man--now Michael Myers is coming off looking like a well-behaved crossing guard compared to that psycho!

Wait, that's not Myers, that's the innocent trick or treater who got burned alive in Halloween 2!

The hippies camp out Woodstock style but so far, no fucked up shit occurs. They walk around the Athenian ruins and get trapped in the basement seen in the prologue. The horned beast speaks to them in an eerie shrill voice. Cushing bumps into the hot pants blonde and mentions something about Pagans, which reminds me of how the old deformed curmudgeon from the Greasy Strangler keeps mentioning that he's not the title character or is in a Minotaur worshiping devil cult!

I'm gonna dunk this hot dog into a pit of lard and nobody can stop me.

The quality of this film is pretty crude but it's strangely fascinating. One dude with black eyebrows and white hair resembles 70's Charlie Rich and is a sucky driver. In Devil’s Men the uncut version, we get to see more than we’d probably want “behind closed doors”, you know what I mean. They do a couple of those Giallo fast zoom ins, possibly for the trailer.

this letter from John Denver reads "Fuck you Bitch, You Ain't Country!"

The storyline is pretty sloppy, maybe they spilled some gritty Fage yogurt or hummus on the pages and they got cemented together. Jessica Dublin, the urine fetish lady tries to pull the new characters in to tell them a secret but they don't follow her, maybe they know what she's up too!

she prepared our dinner too, I hope that doesn't skeeve you out.

Some Klansman scares the shit outta another blonde played by Luan Peters from Twins of Evil and The Flesh and Blood Show, she faints in the bath and her privates are obscured by soap (in the uncut version we see more skin). Once they arrive at the altar, we really get to see she's smuggling missiles in that outfit. The pee bitch annoys one of the underground creeps in police clothes (who’s in the underground cult loose in the town). There's a statue that looks exactly like He-man’s battle axe. They recycle Peter Cushing laughing a bunch of times as we see the captured goofballs from the beginning and it kind of book ends that way. Maybe they relied on that repetitious footage after he got on a plane over to the set of Star Wars. I still have yet to see Rouge One but all I've heard so far is they used a CGI "Cush" and that's just some creepy Videodrome style manipulating corpses for corporate gain and profit. Paul Williams, not the "Good Paul Williams" we all know and love from Phantom of The Paradise or the later Planet of the Apes sequels does a trippy, psychedelic fuzzed out tune. See link here. It takes a very potent combo or barbituates, booze and screaming yellow zonkers to endure this one, go for the Gusto!

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SIZE OF THAT WEINER!

Island Of Death

Island Of Death (Island of Perversion, Cruel Destination,Killing Daylight, Devil's Island) Directed By Nico Mastorakis, starring Bob Belling (1975).

In an effort to see everything on the video nasty list at least once I checked this one out, Nightmares In A Damaged Brain I saw twice, it was that good! Island goes out of its merry way to be ludicrous and repulsive or just shockingly ugly. I watched it at least 7 years ago when it floated to the top of the ocean of free range trash amidst shitty home videos, megalomaniacal YouTube celebs and people watching others playing video games. Or the shitty future we all have become accustomed to.

All I remembered about this Greek movie was that a horny dude gets morning wood and fucks a real goat! Thanks to Fandor, art house snobs and Grindhouse aficionados alike can enjoy this beautifully restored demented film for weirdos only. The director apparently was so enamored by the success of Texas Chainsaw Massacre that he figured why not capitalize on revulsion and make the most offensive Greek film of all time. One scene has a woman drinking pee and as far as I can remember there never was a segment where Leatherface pulled out his wiener and gave someone the ole R. Kelley treatment! 

nuthin to see here just stuffin some mutton

A perverted couple of freakos who are vaguely religious, start off the smorgasbord of nastiness slow by having intercourse in a phone booth while the dude calls up his mom. Pretty soon we're diving face first into rough terrain like the aforementioned bestiality (which thankfully is simulated) and death by drinking paint (or possibly quicklime). Two gay men are hunted like animals and slashed to death as Chris and Celia live out their vile fantasies in Athens.

Brains are blown out (they exit from the wrong side) and homophobic killings are sloppily covered up, but the police are conscious of their whereabouts and it won't be long till they are hopefully caught.This movie has the vibe of a dull late night soft core movie only it's ultra violence that replaces the kinky antics. I'd put this in that small category of Greek gross outs like Singapore Sling and the Anthropophagus series as more reasons not to visit that land that gave us the delicious falafel.

Dude quit hogging all the tahini sauce would ya?

Chris sort of resembles Rich Hall the SNL "sniglet guy" or a 70's porn version of John McEnroe. 

There's a horrid fake Donovan song, what's going on--was Demis Roussos not available? They play this jaunty tune as the Afro-ed black cop lands on the island to arrest these assholes. 

The way they hang the black dude is just as fucked up as you'd come to expect. I could see them remaking this with Ryan Reynolds, who after playing DeadPool is the go to slapstick psychotic maniac, maybe him and Elizabeth Banks would appear, since she's in every other movie on the planet. 

I feel as if the director was aware of the video nasty list and went out of his way to get on it, because this one seems to have a debauchery checklist. 

Next Chris and his wife try a threesome with a skanky mature blonde, he actually pees in her face and she at first goes what the hell? Than starts to like it, which really skeeved me the fuck out! The shot set ups are a lot like Clockwork Orange, which seems like a major influence here. As he kicks the poor woman, the camera wild spins around and around. Jessica Dubin who plays the old punching bag had an interesting career, she was in a few Troma movies, Fellini's Satyricon and even Pete and Pete on Nickelodeon.

Does it get anymore refreshing than this?

This island is crawling with pervs, maybe this whole movie is a PSA, warning you against traveling to Greece! Two rapist hippies try to fuck Celia in the bathtub and both get massacred, one gets his face shoved in a dirty toilet---there are many gag inducing moments in this flick! As vile as this film is, on some level it's hilarious, it's so absurd that it's nihilist comedy.

ACK ACK THE PACHOULI IT BURNS!

A scag shooting lesbian who puts on aerosol deodorant spray before seducing Celia is their next unfortunate victim. This movie is insanely misogynistic and hates women, even though it's funny at times, it's also genuinely unpleasant. One naked girl with the hugest muff I've ever seen gets violated by Chris in the shower and then sickled in the chest. IOD has a lot in common with The Sweet Movie only there's no pooping or psychical vomiting thankfully, it's almost hypocritical that it's not considered art, whereas the polish film is. Tomato, tomato whatever Criterion you know everything.

I'm not only gonna piss on hospitality I might even fart on it!

It all ends with both of them getting raped by a shepherd and Chris dying of exposure in a pit of quicklime that burns him to death when the rain hits it. I can't recommend this film but almost want to tell squares about it so they will unsuspectfully walk face first into a wall of depravity. My jaw dropped a few times, I'll admit it, but for regular GUTS readers I'm just preaching to the choir.

FOR FREAKOS ONLY, THE 70'S VERSION OF HUMAN CENTIPEDE ONLY MORE FUN AND ZERO BUGS IN SIGHT OR BUTTSTUFF.

AVAILABLE ON FANDOR!

THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT (1988)

Directed by Godfrey Ho, Starring Pierre Kirby (1988 Footage from King Snake 1983).

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

This Thai-Hong Kong coproduction, as the hippies of yesteryear would proclaim, “is somethin’ else!” From its elegantly phrased English title, Thunder of Gigantic Serpent is one part berserk kiddie film that borrows heavily from Steven Spielberg’s ET: The Extra Terrestrial, one part macho action adventure film unafraid to let the “f-bomb” fly at every opportunity and one part kaiju-eiga. With the American re-imagining of Godzilla raking in dough at the box office, it’s as good as time as any to revisit it. I first caught this feature on an overseas VHS cassette with Greek subtitles, which dovetails into a sad little story of its own … but I digress.

James Bond-like villain Solomon has his eye on a secret research lab. Said mountain laboratory is being used by scientists working on a tip-top confidential plan to feed the world’s hungry by making all living organisms larger. Putting a frog in a glass terrarium – the boffins fling a switch and voila – frog becomes a giant amphibian! Ribbit! Before the researchers have a chance to put their discovery to practical use, the bad guys besiege the lab in a machine gun attack. As the white coaters run into the countryside to escape the hail of bullets, one of the scientists takes the new-fangled terrarium and hurls it from her speeding car.

Evil Caucasian Solomon.

Cut to the suburban home of lonely little girl Ting who befriends a friendly garden snake she calls Mozlar. In the manner of films of this type, Ting Ting is dubbed by an adult actress who screams her way through all her lines. “Mozlar! Mozlar! MOZLAR! (Giggling) Oh, you silly snake!” “Mozlar, Mozlar, MOZLAR, NO! Don’t eat the nice lady!” Repeat those lines ad infinitum at glass-shattering levels, and you get the idea.

The Kukla, Fran and Ting Ting show at ear-splitting volume

Keeping Mozlar a closely guarded secret from her prying parents, Ting Ting finds the abandoned terrarium by the side of the road and takes it home for a suitable case for her pet snake. A switch is thrown and – BANG WALLOP, Mozlar is now an outsized, absurd hand puppet. Even harder to hide, Ting Ting has lots of hilarious misadventures in keeping her snake away from the prying eyes of her parents.

Mozlar likes to suck eggs!

In the meantime, Solomon and his band of no-goodniks are searching for the growth terrarium. Finally tracking the terrarium back to Ting, the bad guys accidentally electrify Mozlar – who now grows to Godzilla-like proportions. Rampaging through the city, in a series of special effects scenes that are just as good or better as anything Japan was cranking out with its giant monsters, lots of people panic and run around in stairwells, the bad guys are thwarted – and Ting loses a friend. Mozlar was a GOOD snake, and didn’t mean to kill all those thousands of people and lay waste to the city, Ting says.

Good snake my ass!

PHEW! Thunder of Gigantic Serpent is a manic monster movie experience that sweeps up the viewer in its confused, juvenile story. A catchy techno score will leave you tapping your toes while you shake your head at the utter dang awfulness of it all. You won’t be bored. Director Godfrey Ho was well known for his cut-and-paste features, and lots of the scenes here don’t come together. An overly sickly sweet child’s fantasy is wedded to scenes of mass slaughter and martial arts, Thunder of Gigantic Serpent is, if nothing else, unique and highly entertaining.

Take that, you lackey of the scientific establishment!

As for my story regarding the Greek VHS – sometime in the late nineties, I was intrigued by the tape, offered for sale on Internet auction site eBay. I knew full well that I wouldn’t be able to watch it on my own equipment, and so I gave a shout-out to a so-called friend who converted overseas VHS tapes for his gray market business. I offered to give him the tape to convert, but he was adamant that I would have to pay his usual fee. He wasn’t interested in offering the film as he dealt exclusively with European trash cinema – OOOOOPS! Did I just give his identity away? Too late now!

That's some putrid hummus Mr. Ledbetter

Well, I paid my fees, got the compatible VHS copy of the film – and the guy turns around immediately and offers it in his catalog!!!!! Thanks a lot! What can I say? There is no honor among thieves, as they say. In fact, I think the rip of offed on YouTube here is from my tape! In either case, Thunder of Gigantic Serpent makes for great six pack and chips amusement. Have a nice one, Craig!     

NO LINK!

A car wreck always adds production values.

Hmmmmm ... a giant snake.

The magic terrarium that figures later in the plot. PAY ATTENTION.

Glow little glow worm glow!

Did you wash your hands?

D'AGOSTINO (2012)

Directed by Jorge Ameer

Is this ... love?

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

I'll throw down the gauntlet. Want to see some REALLY FUCKED-UP SHIT?

Now, I don't know where you want to go with this relationship --

The films of Jorge Ameer always entertain. They’re not always good, but they always entertain. His early feature THE SINGING FOREST (2003)was notable for a reincarnation plot involving Nazi concentration camp victims, featuring well-fed prisoners and very uneven, hand-drawn Swastikas on armbands. In the supernatural drama THE HOUSE OF ADAM (2006), the characters freak out if a front door unexpectedly swings open but remain calm and collected when encountering a man tied to a chair for torture.

In D’AGOSTINO, Ameer raises the bar very high. Dissatisfied American yuppie Allan Dawson (Keith Roenke)  lives with his fiance Sylvia (Torie Tyson) in London. She is quite a bit older than he, which may explain his sudden outburst heard at the film’s beginning – “What do fat and ugly people think they look like?” Things are mundane and boring until Sylvia says, “Your grandmother left you some property.” Did his grandmother die? She doesn’t say. “Your grandmother left you some property in Greece.” So Allan jets over to Greece. The “property” is a very nice candle-lit apartment. Allan takes some time to sight-see, and then returns to the apartment that night. Looking behind a heavy oaken door, Alan discovers a disgusting human male (Michael Angels) covered in feces tied up in a tiled room. Slamming the door behind him, Allan takes a hot shower … goes back to sleep … wakes up the next day … does some more sight-seeing … has some lunch …

Yes, none of it makes any sense, but perhaps it's not supposed to. Allan doesn't TELL anyone about the horror lurking in his apartment, in what amounts to a twisted agenda. Later that night, Allan showers his new-found friend off, notes a dog collar that lists his name as D'Agostino and checks his trusty laptop. “I see that you're a secret clone bred for organ harvesting,” the smug Allan says – as if this would be posted online – from a dog tag that has no URL address. The barking, yelping D'Agostino has the mentality of a newborn baby trapped in the body of a young man, and Allan seizes the opportunity to put him on a leash and teach him a few, uh, “tricks.” It's exactly what you think it is.

Very little, other than nonstop mental and sexual degradation of the title character continues for the rest of D'AGOSTINO's two-plus hour running time. Other than a pushy landlord (played by director Ameer himself) seems to interrupt the two mens' sadistic idyll. The viewer continues to watch the film as if to ask themselves, “why am I watching this?” Why ineptly told, D'AGOSTINO hammers home a classic fable of all the horrible things that happen when a human being considers another human being as being less than such.

It falls apart at the end when D'Agostino symbolically eats from “the tree of knowledge,” i.e. Allan's laptop for an ending straight out of an EC horror comic book. Allan gets his comeuppance, but its not what the ending COULD have been.

D'AGOSTINO calls to mind such favorites as SALO: 120 DAYS OF SODOM (1975). It also recalls, with its minimal cast, single setting, Greek locale and sadomasochistic games the cult favorite SINGAPORE SLING (1991) and art house fave DOGTOOTH (2009). In either case, D'AGOSTINO is the rare kind of movie that I wholeheartedly recommend to everyone – knowing full well that lots of them will ABSOLUTELY hate it. See it – it's not a good film, but remains a highly unique viewing experience.