SplatterFarm

Splatter Farm Directed by The Polonia Bros, (1987).

There are some shitty-os (shitty movies shot on video) that have come down the pike that defy rationality and description, but Splatter Farm is a special case. We’ve seen many unquestionable turds float to the top of the bowl like 555, Killing Spree or even Burning Moon, but this one is horrendous and puts them all to shame. When Skunkape is too busy, which he understandably has been lately, I must call on my other best pal Sharky, who is the lunatic that sent me this flick. We also watched it together over the phone and be forewarned, this one requires being smashed, fried and totally baked to endure the tortures of the damned. So, act accordingly when viewing this highly toxic event.

this is totally fine but weed is still illegal in the South.

SF apparently has an audience because it was re-released on DVD with quotes from Joe Bob Briggs and Frank Henenelotter praising its merit. But I'm pretty sure there are horror fans out there that will buy fucking anything because one of my most hated movies Lucker The Necrophagus has a special edition DVD! Skunkape is that movies only fan.

Can I have your autograph Mr. Odenkirk?

Splat begins with a pervy hayseed named Jeremy, who bashes the bejeezus out of a raw meat filled dummy. Next, the Polonia Brothers, who look like typical 80’s AV Club dweebs drive around for a little while. I imagine they took the video tape of this very movie on their way to the high school auditorium to show it as their summer school thesis. You might think The Black Devil Doll is the most atrociously, inept shot on video opus, but I’m almost embarrassed to say, this one was definitely edited using 2 VCRS! The music is slightly better than the casio tone for the hopelessly deranged aka the keytard stylinz of Chester Turner. I guess you could call Splatter Farm, the White Devil Doll!

Woah! Wrong tape again!

There’s tracking issues, a giant PLAY that flashes over the edits and I was kind of disturbed at what these kids were up to. I wonder what film makers possessed these knuckleheads to enact such fictional depravity and involve their Grandma/ Aunt to join in on the sexual deviance. I'm guessing it was Pasolini and Fulci. I kept wondering if it was going to hit, amateur porn levels of sickness and it sort of does. There’s fisting, coprophagia, pee drinking, a dude shits out a knife and wiggles his belly button in extreme close-up. It’s all simulated though, which still isn’t comforting. I don't recommend watching it alone, because you will most likely give up and watch reruns of WKRP in Cincinatti.

Thanks again to Hollywood High's #1 fan for sending me this. 

What we got here is a failure to communicate, the famous line from Splatter Farm.

Spine (1986)

SPINE (1986)

Directed by John Howard and Justin Simmonds

Review by Michael Hauss

     Since I’m on a roll of watching shit-on-video releases, I figured one more go at it wouldn’t retard my fucked up brain any more than seeing Thor all naked in "ROCK AND ROLL NIGHTMARE"  (1987) already did. All this to appease the savage editor Erok Hellhammer here at Theater of Guts, who keeps recommending these shit-fests for me to review, saying “it takes a special and I emphasize Special kind of person to understand these types of films.” Erok would go on to save his ass by saving that I was the “Jerry Warren” of the film reviewing world, pretty solid compliment right there I’d say.

     This 1986 shot-on-video (aka 'shit-on-video' or SOV) boasts a nutbag who goes around killing and exposing the spines of nurses, hence the title. The lead in this film, R. Eric (don’t call me Aldous) Huxley, plays slasher Lawrence Ashton and I'd swear it's actually old’ Bocephus himself, Hank Williams Jr. This dude could be his twin.

Hank Jr.'s evil twin demonstrates the "do's"
and "dont's" of the swinger lifestyle.

     The film is, on the technical side, a piece of shit which has the camera shoved right up the actors' asses or in their faces. The sound is like listening through a set of cans with a string through them, the way Alfalfa, Spanky, Buck Wheat and I used to call each other back in our gang days.

     Back to Hank Williams... I mean, R. Eric. He has this psycho thing down pat. He does a lot of emoting and acting angry, but also tries to be the cool composed spree killer we’ve grown to know and love, like Jason but without the hockey mask. Or that fucknut from SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1988).

These bitchin' shades are my hockey mask,
and this luxurious mane is my tragic deformity.

    The thing about this film is that it actually has a very good exploitation actress in it. She deserved much better than this fate. The actress Janus Blythe appeared in a number of low budget exploitation and horror films including Ruby in the Wes Craven classic "THE HILLS HAVE EYES" (1977). She would follow up that film with a small part in the gooey but fun exploitation flick "THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN" (1977) and would appear again as Ruby in the sequel "THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART 2" (1984). Unfortunately, Janus would see her on-screen career end in 1991, but not before she accepted a part in this stinker. I could see the producer of this film saying to Janus, “We’ll give you one hundred dollars for the three-day shoot, free Shoney’s down on route 6 for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and book you into the Motel 6, and, We’ll leave the light on for you!”

Motel 6? I've hit the big time at last!

    I'm not sure how they got an actress with any credits at all to appear in this mess, but some notable hacks have slunk to SOV appearances. Erok Hellhammer’s favorite actor Michael J Pollard appeared in "SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3"(1989), and there's porn star Amber Lynn’s star turn in "THINGS" (1993).  The rest of the cast seems to have no other credits to speak of as far as I can ascertain except R. Eric Huxley, who has a few credits listed besides this. Surprisingly, not in any biopics of Hank Williams Jr.

     John Howard, one of the two directors listed on this film along with Justin Simmonds, does have a few other directorial credits on his resume. He has some porn credits and did a handful of films starring Linnea Quigley, including "SCORPION" (1986), "STALKED" (1986), "AVENGED" (1986) and FLASH (1987), which need further investigation.

"Is it that much fun to hurt someone / Oh please tell me why, dear!"

     The killer, all decked out in his reflective aviator glasses and brandishing a switchblade knife he strokes at times, is killing only nurses. He hog ties them and as they struggle, the rope from their feet to their neck tightens and it strangles them. Then he knifes them a bunch of times and cuts the back open to expose the spine. The killings are all related and identical except when the killer raped one of the women. Each murder scene has the name “Linda” written in blood on a wall. 

Alice in Bondageland.

     The police and forensic units in this film are laughably generic, and it’s like the actors who played the cops had no clue on how to author the parts. It's as if they were children playing a game of Cops and Robbers. The police presence is nil and the crime investigation units consist of one or two guys. The police struggle with finding the name of the suspect until their computer spits out the name of Lawrence Ashton. I mean damn, couldn’t the makers of this film watch an episode of Streets of San Francisco, Quincey, or Police Story, to figure out how police procedure and crime scene investigations go? 

The crime computer says she was killed by
someone named Bocephus, and it's never wrong.

     Carrie Longan (Janus Blythe) and Leah Petralla (Lise Romanoff), whose home the killer has invaded, are in danger from this bloodthirsty maniac. Will the fuck-nuttedly stupid police get there in time before he kills two more nurses? Better yet, who cares?

     This movie makes the SOV "555" (1988) look like it belongs in the horror hall of fame. It is just plain awful, no two ways around it. R. Eric Huxley turns in a decent enough performance but the rest of the cast just stinks the place up, including Janus Blythe. Even at seventy-three minutes this film was overlong and taxing on my brain. I think in closing that if I didn't hate Hank Williams Jr. so much then I may have enjoyed this a bit more. Shit, who am I kidding, I hated it as much as old Hank... not more, but damn close. 

This is spinal tap.

555

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

Directed by: Wally Koz. Starring Mara Lynn Bastian, Charles Fuller, Greg (Don't call me Jack) Kerouac and Greg (Don't call me Craig T.) Nelson

Video box tagline: Shot in Blood-Vivid Video for your Viewing Pleasure (or Blood covered Shitty-o .Ed)

I love the 80’s! I bought my first VCR in I believe 1983, with my wages I made working at a shithole retail department store called Richway’s in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and as fucked as my memory is today, I even remember the first video tape I rented was TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But that’s not why we are here brothers and sisters, we are here today to spread the gutter love of a rotten little film called 555 (1988).

CALL NOW

The movie is about a dude who goes around killing people dressed as a damn hippie and the police who are trying to figure out the identity of the killer and stop him. In their investigation the police uncover that a series of crimes happen every five years in May, the fifth month for five consecutive days (Thus the title). I have only seen this film for the first time for reviewing purposes here recently, and was mildly surprised that the flick was not as down right terrible as I had always heard it was, bad yes, horrible yes, unwatchable no. Now the reason I had never viewed this film until recently was that it was one of those number of shot-on-video films that were so abundant in the late 1980’s and honestly I loathed these film for many years. And this film on any media format was hard to find. My standards have been lowering and lowering for years now and as my nuts dry up and turn to dust, my need for porn has turned to a need for low rent 1980’s horror films, where my mummified mind can find dumification and drift in and out of these shit on video tapes.

just thinking of those dusty mummy nuts is making me hot! 

The video is really an awkward, totally amateur effort that boasts two of the ugliest lead characters  ever, in Sargent Connor (who looks like a unibrowed meth addicted Mel Gibson) and the girl reporter Susan Rather (think an uglier version of that singer Susan Boyle, if that's possible), who is the type of gal who would do anything for a story, so she’s boning the District Attorney Kennedy and after finding out that he is only using her she turns her homely horny ass towards the old wrinkly nut-sacked Colonel Wayne and screws him for his exclusive story, it was Wayne who discovered the first set of victims, a man and a woman who were decapitated and mutilated. The colonel had told the police that he heard a scream and went to investigate and after finding the dead bodies had seen one of the most horrifying things this hardened military man had ever witnessed, he saw a man the likes of he hadn't seen in twenty-five years or so, this dude was a 60’s fucking hippie, a god damn son-of-a bitch hippie with long hair, beard, flowered shirt, bell-bottom jeans and to top it all he was wearing beads! 

Sergeant Connor, Detective Haller, and District attorney Kennedy were all in the office when Wayne made his startling revelation that it was a dirty fucking hippie, the D.A. tells the colonel that “no one dresses like that anymore,” no one believes the colonel’s story because no hippies were around by the eighties, they had all died off like the dinosaurs when the Beatles had broken up. Well, soon after more shagging people are killed and the dead women are sexually penetrated by the killer. 

Sergeant Connor who plays the deranged meth addicted Mel Gibson, is ready to go bad cop, even rogue cop at any minute, like the real Mel did in Lethal Weapon and its twenty-two sequels and during his last relationship. The Sergeant has a hard on for Colonel Wayne and thinks that he is the murderer, but after bringing him in, can’t hold him because of a lack of evidence. Is Wayne guilty or is it someone else, possibly the loose nut Conner or any of the other ensemble cast? I won’t tell, so that means you have to suffer through this crap.

Spoiler Alert, I die

The reporter Susan Rather is played by Mara Lynn Bastian and has a bit of a breast exposing scene when she’s seducing the Colonel. When she and the old geriatric fuck, Colonel Wayne are swapping spit my queasy stomach started flip flopping, that scene I can say was honestly the most repulsive and terrifying part of the whole movie! The film was very slow, pace wise, and had long static dialogue sequences plus the kills and gore while decent enough, were done at such a slow constructed pace that it’s like someone had taken some ludes and filmed the scenes. Man, (maybe it was the Hippie?) and it didn’t help that in one scene a woman who is being slashed up breaks into a quick chuckle. Compared to many other SOV films from the era, this one is watchable and has enough gore to fit firmly into the Chas Balun Deep Red catalog. (they even sold copies, check out the ad at the bottom).

NO REFUNDS!

As far as I can ascertain none of the cast or crew ever were involved in the making of another motion picture (figure that, will ya?). The film clocks in at a mind ripping 80 minutes and has set pieces with virtually no action and continuous badly lit day and night scenes. I found this film while looking about the wonderful selection from Vinegar Syndrome on their Exploitation TV app. The original video release of this film commands huge money on Ebay, a King Video/Slaughterhouse video release vhs sells for around the $300 mark, probably about as much as this thing cost to make.

So while blaming all the murders on a hippie was a stoke of genius, and the dude with the unibrow and the looks of a meth addicted Mel Gibson was a classic bit of casting, the film ultimately just takes too long to get from scene to scene and especially from beginning to end.

WATCH HERE ON VS' STREAMING AP (EXPLOITATION TV).

Deep Red ad, CHEAP!

Entrails of a Virgin

Entrails Of A Virgin  Directed By Kazuo "Gaira" Komizu, starring Saeko Kizuki (1986)

Two years ago, I mentioned this director when I reviewed his dull and nearly bloodless Battlegirl. I hoped for better action with a more coherent storyline, but all I got was an aimless, confusing fetish slasher film with more gore (which was the good part and no guts as advertised, which burned me up)! That being said, this film is entertaining for sure and makes fun of slasher movies with a clever plot twist toward the end.

I've heard about this one for a long time but have never actually sat down and watched it, thankfully Fandor bought the Synapse version and is streaming it. It's in the Pink genre of Japanese S&M films, but it's nothing like quality depraved trash that's in the vein of Star Of David: Hunting for Beautiful Girls or School of the Holy Beast. I've heard a theory, that the film maker was intentionally over the top and outlandishly hammy, which to me sounds like a cover-up. I mean sure, Samurai Cop and The Room can pretend all they want that they knew what they were doing the whole time, but there's serious noway that they were self aware! There are some wildly grotesque images in GUTS, like a woman masturbating with a severed arm and tree-fellatio (which should've made its way into Evil Dead 2 as a form of rape retaliation).

I followed a leprechaun over to a pot of gold and found this lethargic Asian stripper instead  

  This film came out in the days of underground trading, hardly anyone saw it during its initial run and often in the 90's the Japanese tape arrived without subtitles. Entrails, just like Guinea Pig (which at the time, you could only order from Chas Balun) was only available on a second generation dub with those irritating japanese characters at the bottom. Video lunatics had to suffer through tons of migraines in order to be disgusted or sometimes bored by what was flickering on the cathode ray. GUTS is basically a slasher film with gratuitous penis shots and actual hardcore sex (with optical fog over the pubic hair parts). It's also a tale of model exploitation in the demanding world of a photo shoot.

I love the imported taste of white trash American swill

This film gets the shock out early with an adorable girl's crotch thrusting into the screen as each model is introduced on film, they show them engaged in optically blurred sex. Some women's private parts are shown as long as they hold their hands over where its approved by the Japanese censorship board, this film is extremely gynecological sandwiched in by some perverts and Friday the 13th goes to Osaka type elements, it's very strange but not all that great.

Foggy sex is the safest kind

It reminds me of some of the weird and disturbing Japanese films that Skunkape would tape me from Todd Tjersland's Threat Theatre catalog, which were half gross porns and extreme horror (one scat film called THE JAPANESE COMEDY TORTURE HOUR had two people dressed like turtles, I guess you might say it's 2 Turtles One Cup years before that viral video stunned the world).

that other VHS catalog

 I definitely do not fondly remember those kinds of tape trading days and glad that we no longer have to deal with shitty-o in the age of high grade quality trash. I love how I can stream this on Fandor along with Arthouse Criterion films in pristine condition, it makes it almost respectable.

The model shoot is taken next to a cardboard rainbow backdrop and seems like it will wind up in a porno mag. More awkward blurred out sex happens as the gang drink Bud and talk about how Indians shared cocaine. There's a lot of useless dialogue that's really superfluous and kinda dumb.

Out in the creepy forest, a mud man pops up from beneath the leaves and hurls a body at their window. The crew seems to be broke, their sleazy manager refuses to spring for a hotel and they shack up in a rickety cabin. They actually blame it on the thick fog, which makes it too difficult to drive. One extremely repugnant character with a mustache and clunky glasses can't wait to

screw the various models--unbeknownst to the girls of course.

no one wants your happiness

A male and female participate in underwear wrestling to appease the group, which ends in the girl pissing herself full on into the camera. So for those with yellow fever and a pee fetish, this movie's got both fixes covered, Oh boy! BARF! This event pisses off one photographer, who tells his coworkers to fuck off and he even leaves the house, maybe he forgot the scary mud man is still lurking outside.

He should've kept his feelings to himself, because just stepping outside ends with him getting brained by a meat tenderizing mallet that pops his eyeball out!

Asian Randy from Pee Wee's Playhouse

The set up for the film is vaguely patterned on all those American slasher movies that were cluttering up the horror genre at the time. There's a killer outside and all the characters are horn dogs, the film maker is poking fun at it, but the major flaw is that it's not very amusing and it doesn't get really insane till the last few minutes, which to be is a sign of a great film. GUTS however, is to busy trying to titillate and be an effective gore film and it can't successfully pull off both.

There's a pile driver blowjob scene, which didn't surprise me, I mean I've seen Rick Flair pull that move on Super Fly Snuka numerous times!

Footlong, who ordered the Footlong!

The mud man pulls his pecker out and after assaulting a girl, in a coitus silhouette (to avoid the optical foggy of their genitals), he then decapitates her--classy move right?

The mustachioed fellow with the glasses gets impaled by a javelin, which was cool he was my least favorite character.

The craziest part of GUTS has a woman blowing a tree and then making out with a bloody severed head, she loses control in a sexual frenzy, which I'm guessing is a statement against the behavior of teens in American horror films, or they just wanted to show the most bat-shit crazy naked gyrating they could accomplish for the screen.

I always go to the morgue for sex toys, is that weird?

The last 20 mins get all Nekromantik Japanese style as this crazy bitch starts humping all the dead victims and even masturbates with a chopped off severed hand.The mud man shows up and pulls out her guts by reaching into her birth canal, but she definitely ain't no virgin!

I thought it was clever how the last living female victim in most slasher movies is the pure one whose kept her virginity, but in this film the killer actually impregnates her. Just imagine if Jason Voorhees instead of planting an axe in the final victim's head, drops his maggoty pants and does the deed, now that would shock everyone!
I feel as if I made this film sound better than it actually is, it's not, but I can't stop you from watching this dopey flick and I'm not even going to try, it's so conveniently available to stream on Fandor that you might as well.

This is one of those great provocative titles that might be better than the film itself. Napalm Death's old drummer Mick Harris, Bill Laswell and John Zorn "supergroup" Painkiller, named their first album after this film. Komizu's unrelated sequel Entrails of a Beautiful Women should be reviewed next in a few months, so stay tuned for more greasy guts.

AVAILABLE ON FANDOR

The Simonetti Horror Project

The Simonetti Horror Project Directed By Claudio Simonetti & Felix Imevbore (1990).
If you are only familiar with Claudio Simonetti's soundtrack solo work or with Goblin, get ready to lose all respect for this man as you are bombarded by some of the most acid-washed "Keytarded", mullet sportin, eyeball raping, this side of a coked out 80's time warp! 
  Don't take this the wrong way, because I thoroughly enjoyed this promo concert, which resides somewhere in the overbloated universe of Spinal Tap meets Jan Hammer led by a business up front, party in the rear funky phantom.
  Witness one of the most atrocious versions of Deep Red you'll ever hear with rhymes by Dr. Felix, hip hop record scratching and sped up 'tra-la-la' singing. Felix obviously has never seen the film, taking the Ray Parker Jr. approach to songwriting and the retarded verses go "Deep Red, Let's have some fun".

   This concert has some of the most embarrassingly 80's over saturation of chroma-key and video toaster effects, with stale left overs from the Aqua-net era, apparently still the height of fashion in 1990's Italy. Speaking of poisoning the environment with hairspray, Claudio's ode to the destruction of the Ozone "Ozone Free" is featured, while grim pictures of space and the earth are projected over the band. There's a song called Craws (which reminds me of Robster Craws), a misspelled song from the Opera soundtrack. During "Tenebre", Simonetti pals around with his skeleton Alfred and mouths the lyrics into a headset which sound like Blabiddity Blap Blabittity Blap.

Thumpity Thump, Thumpity Thump, Thumpity Thump.

   There are an insane amount of Korg Keyboards,Roland Keyboards and Keytars with ColecoVision monitors fastened to the board in case the band needs to play a fast round of Donkey Kong! I'd imagine they just went into a Keytar shoppee and said we'll take everything! They may have even scored the same keyboard that Ferris Bueller had, who knows? 
   The stage is decorated by paper mache dragons and a gargoyle that resembles a mutant Frank Zappa. There's also a few music videos tacked on for Demons and Phenomena.            Simonetti and his crew beyond Goblin have always had that stink of euro-trash lingering on them and for those looking for comedy gold, it's required viewing, I cannot stress how fun and hysterical this video was! 
   There's not an inkling of self awareness, that maybe this was a terrible idea, which makes it so entertaining! The only thing I can compare it to is that Sports Tim & Eric video, some 80's guitar instruction by Yngwie Malmsteen or someone more hideous, it's that good!
   We here at TOG are ravenous fans of Claudio and there's no denying the man has talent, this is a must see purely for its cheese factor alone!
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Stop! Dr. Felix Time

This is humiliatin!

Those are some Wack Beats Yo!

That's right folks, zero irony