X-Ray

Directed by Boaz Davidson. Starring Barbi Benton (1981).

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

I purchased this film for one reason and one reason alone. That being the woman who helped get my young nuts into gear is in it. Barbi Benton, was one of those in a long line of former Playboy playmates who tried to take their naked talents and transform them into a career in entertainment. Benton tried to succeed both as a singer and an actress, but never achieved any fame in either, but she did stay relevant for years manly of course because she was Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend and it was his millions paying for those no talent career attempts which kept her pathetically relevant for way too long.  

You're just jealous Mike because you weren't invited to our rapey shindigs  

In this film, also called HOSPITAL MASSACRE she can’t change her facial reactions, either her acting talents were less than ever imagined, or maybe her face was so tightly stretched from plastic surgery that it did not respond anymore. Well regardless she’s surrounded by a cast of actors who ummm, well one guy (Bill Errigo) who plays a janitor does look a lot like the dude Kramer from Seinfeld and another who looks like Dr. Phil (Den Surles). 

Boaz almost put me in Lemon Popsicle as Huey's wingman

So Barbi plays a character named Susan Jeremy who as a kid on Valentine’s day finds her friend David hanging dead from a coat rack and some snotty ass twerp named Harold looking in the window grinning. You see Harold had delivered a Valentine’s day card to Susan’s door and ran after knocking and looked in the window to see David and Susan laughing and David wadding the Valentine’s card up and next thing you know poor little David is hanging from a fucking coat rack. 

Don't get up, I'm totally fine

The film moves ahead nineteen years and Susan is all grown up with a daughter of her own, a nasty ex-husband, a new boyfriend, and she’s rocking out those classic polyester suit ensembles from the eighties and large hair. She has to go to the hospital to pick up some test results and as she makes her way, the film throws a bunch of lame scares at the audience, but does not build any tension or suspense and the scares just come across as feeble attempts.

As poor Susan goes up to her appointment on the 8^th floor on the elevator she notices a man with what looks like blood on his face and something red starts dripping on her shoe, the man awakens and is shown taking a bite out of a hamburger with too much ketchup and looks over at Susan and says Happy Valentines day, and then when she goes to the ninth floor instead of the eighth, which is being fumigated, she's met by three men in gas masks and one tells her to get out before she's deloused. Then suddenly the power cuts off on the elevator and with the looks of someone mustering up a major large bowel movement passage, her plastic looking face grimaces up and you can tell she is acting her ass of. 

Keep those botox injections comin, I can handle it

So some deranged killer is killing off doctors, nurses and even the dude who looks like Kramer, (he gets his face eaten off with acid) he’s changing X-rays (hence the title) and medical reports to make it look like she has a terminal illness and to assure that Susan is kept in that hospital. Eventually Susan must undress and be examined by some random doctor after her doctor disappeared and what she lacks in acting ability, she makes up for in her abundant breast and as the editor of this blog noted, her rather large nipples. 

I need that Chinese Balm that Jackie Chiles told me not to use for these coffee burns

Susan is put into a ward with three old women that includes an obvious man dressed as an old lady and another bitter ass hag who plays the spoons and tells the other two that she (Susan) maybe "young and lovely on the outside maybe, but old and rotten on the inside. All her bones are decaying and her organs are all rancid and her blood is malignant as slime." Well, so we have a whole list of suspects including her psychotic ex-husband, Harold from her childhood, various doctors, the cheeseburger eating wine swilling wino who follows along after Susan or possibly the kind handsome doctor named Harry (Charles Lucia), whose name is a shortened form of Harold. So you figure it out...

You've heard of Dr. Giggles, let me introduce you to Dr. Fribble because that's my fav Friendly's shake

The film never builds any tension or momentum. Some of the scenes are illogical and make you ask yourself are these people fucking stupid or what. The acting is atrocious and the music sounds like something lifted from some 1970’s movie of the week. The continued use of cheap scares is absolutely annoying and are really used in the place of proper tension building. A truly amateur affair all around, but I must say that when Barbi Benton went into full out scream queen mode, she wasn’t half bad and her fun bags must have helped to amplify that most impressive scream of hers. The Shout Factory release boasts a beautiful print, that looks wonderful despite its obvious low budget origins.

Few notes of interest, Elizabeth Hoy who plays the young Susan in the film and Billy Jacoby (Billy Jayne) who plays weird young Harold both appear in the far superior BLOODY BIRTHDAY (USA, 1981) as two of the three children who go on a killing spree. The director Boaz Davidson has a whole mess of executive producing credits and twenty-six directing credits on his resume including a directorial credit on the famously inept comedy GOING BANANAS (USA, 1987) and the legendary LEMON POPSICLE Series. Benton's only other exploitation film appearance is in the fun fantasy romp DEATHSTALKER (USA,1983), where she plays the character Codille and fares much better acting wise than she did in X-RAY. This film was of course most noteworthy for being a Golan-Globus production for their famous or infamous film company Cannon Films. The film was based around a holiday, this one being Valentine's day as was the vastly superior MY BLOODY VALENTINE (Canada, 1981). The year before Cannon had distributed the holiday themed slasher film NEW YEAR'S EVIL (USA, 1980).

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Avenging Force

Avenging Force (American Warrior 2, Night Hunter) Directed By Sam Firstenberg (1986).

I was taking to my Brother-in-Law about Cannon Films and he mentioned this Michael Dudikoff flick that I had never heard of. I was all amped up, not necessarily because I am a fan of the American Ninja actor but it was hard to believe I hadn't seen this Cannon Film, I'll pretty much watch anything the Israeli over bloated American propaganda studio churned out regardless. Also don't forget to check out Mark Hartley's excellent doc on the infamous studio.

Just watch the first 5 mins of AF and you will be sold! This apparently was penned as a sequel to Invasion USA, but when Chuck Norris decided to bail, they rewrote it as a stand alone flick. Unlike Deliverance, the pig fuckers of this swamp come equipped with samurai swords, cheesy masks and S&M gear and belong to a right wing fascist group known as The Pentangle! Led by one of my favorite tough guy actors John P. Ryan as Eliot Glastenbury, this group of pro-Nazi maniacs hunt humans for sport because like in The Most Dangerous Game, they are the ultimate prey.

This Rejuvenique facial mask really helps me butcher assassins more effectively

Michael Dudikoff instead of American Ninja is now Matt Hunter: American Cowboy who lives on a ranch with his Gramps and is best buds with Steve James aka Kung Fu Joe from I'm Gonna Get You Sucka and The Exterminator. There's so much unintentional hilarity going on in this Sam Firstenberg film that it's a must see. The director has made some of my absolute Sho Kosugi flicks like Ninja 3: The Domination and Revenge of the Ninja and of course he changed the universe forever with Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo!

Kung Fu Joe needs your vote, don't let Mayor Goldie Wilson persuade you

When the Pentagle cretins are back in the office they all wear Conservative tuxes and are so Pro-American it's fanatical, back in 1986 it was sort of comical but this breed or hyper political racism is now the mainstream, which bizarrely enough makes Avenging Force almost ahead of its time! 

Dudikoff looks like he's trying to move a brick out of his bowels and remain ultra cool at the same time, he's has all the charm of a mobile slab of beef. It's funny to think about now if this were a Chuck Norris movie (which it was originally supposed to be), I think he'd side with the Pentangle's message of ridding society of Communism and yellow bellied Liberals!

No I'm not Limehouse Willie, you must have me confused, I'm a Walter Mathau impersonator

Limehouse Willie, played by James Booth, the sadistic bastard from Pray for Death shows up to work with Matt against the Pentangle. Dudikoff's acting consists of really hard stares, just check out this sample of his lethargic face paralysis in this intro to Bronx Executioner. This film dares to throw in a gratuitous car chase that drags things down and I'm glad Steve James is present, he's more likable then Dudikoff. They both lay the smackdown on some henchmen and one balding glasses wearing member is a funny standout. Later on, he gets shot in the shoulder and bawls like a giant baby.

Am I smoking bathsalts with a hint of PCP, indubitably!  

Elliot of course won't rest until the American cowpoke is dead and they firebomb his ranch house in the middle of dinner and it gets worse as they shoot Steve James with arrows and machine gun his son during Mardi Gras, but I guess that's life in the mean streets of Nawlins. I like how James' character slowly walks through the burning farm, trying to help out, but sadly it doesn't help. Limehouse Willie's research team are pretty clueless and consist of a bunch of Coke bottle bespectacled mustaches scratching their heads wondering where did it all go wrong.
The strangest part is how they kidnap Matt's little sister Sarah (Allison Gereighty) and recruit her into their teenage prostitution ring. Gereighty has a strange dubbed voice and must've been so terrible, because she never acted again. 

Brokeback 2: Ninja Rump Rangers

It all ends with a series of swampy brawls against each comical Pentangle member. Glastenbery manages to garrote Matt in his high priced mansion. Hunter gets strangled by razor sharp wires and by all logic should die a lightning quick death, but he must have cyborg bones because he just coughs a little and shakes it off. The pacing drags even for an hour and a half film, but I definitely recommended the movie and this is coming from someone who doesn't really like Michael Dudikoff that won't stop me from watching other films he's appeared in however, I might even give River Of Death a whirl after this enjoyable experience.

I wish I knew how to quit you Lord Humungus 

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Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects

Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects Directed By J. Lee Thompson, Starring Charles Bronson (1989). 

This is the only time I can recall where Charles Bronson gets all racist, calling out Asian people in their part of the city where he's the minority in LA's China town! I'd expect this bullshit from Clint Eastwood but not a guy who practically looks Asian!

Chuck does some outlandish crazy shit like sodomizing a pedophile with a giant dildo, who was rudely interrupted while attempting to fuck Nicole Eggert (and that's just right after the credits)! It's not Scott Baio either. Lee J. Thompson is on board, so you know this Cinemax staple is about to get insane! Bronson forces a pimp named Duke played by Juan Fernandez to swallow his Rolex watch whole, sprays him with mustard and finally sics horny inmates on his ass in prison, how humiliating! Don't feel too sorry for Duke though because he is a kiddie prostitute pimp.

Willy Wonka made this watch for you to eat out of Oompa Loompa droppings

The great Sy Richardson is his henchmen, he's always entertaining to me and very out of character in this role, I kept thinking he was gonna pop in his funk tape and go into his Repo Man spiel. During one scene, they hang Sy over a railing Suge Knight style, his shoes slip off and they end up murdering him! Chuck does so many ridiculously illegal things here it's almost surreal. That's the entire point though, most of his films are just a beefed up dumb male fantasy of corruption, where everything can be solved by extreme violence and intimidation.

Fuck! are you crazy crackers from Death Row Records?

Kinjite's plot device also concerns Japanese businessmen assimilating into Western culture by way of a corporate seminar. One oily slime bucket played by James Pax goes too far on the subway with Bronson's daughter and tries to finger her! This is an odd coincidence and it's very weird and kind of gross how the young girls chant about "Partying" and Pax's character thinks that's the molestation signal.

Charles in Charge of that booty!

I think that most of the budget went into hair oil there's a lot of that greasy stuff dripping off of every other character's face or scalp. Whenever there's Japanese dialogue it's annoying how none of it is subtitled (not even on the DVD). Fumiko (Kumiko Hayakawa), the sleazy businessman's daughter, who talks like she's one of the Kids of Widney High, gets abducted and ends up working for Duke and his child prostitute ring. I felt really sorry for her, but you have to hear how oddly lethargic this girl's voice is. Duke puts on a little fashion show and then forces her to serve the public. One female client, who seems like a psychiatrist, talks to her while she sits in a chair, at least she doesn't have sex with them (at least not on screen). This one is overtly offensive and is a first for Bronson who basically plays fanatically Catholic racist dipshit cop who's a part time anal rapist! Go back to playing a disgruntled psychotic vigilante I say.

Mark Corrigan lent me his dildo Kenneth

Peggy Lipton plays his wife, she was in this right before Twin Peaks. Danny Trejo who was on the set of a lot of Cannon Flicks makes a very special appearance toward in the prison scene, look out for him. J. Lee Thompson had some duds in his career (Battle for the Planet of the Apes, aka "let's slap dollar store masks on everyone except Roddy McDowall") then again he also made my favorite most politically charged entry in the series Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and the oddball slasher Happy Birthday To Me. He also directed Murpy's Law which is my least favorite Bronson flick, I'm inclined to blame Kathleen Wilhoite but I do have a slight crush on her. She's super fucking annoying in that movie though! This was his last film so it's possibly Thompson just threw caution to the wind but I'm just baffled at how he convinced Chuck to even hold a giant dildo in the vicinity of a male ass. Oh well, cleanse that bizarre image away with a homoerotic Japanese ad for Mandom cologne.

I'm from the Trump campaign can we count on the abducted child prostitute vote? 

This one is extremely popular with good reason, it's one of the best Bronson flicks among other favorites of mine like 10-Midnight, The Evil That Men Do (which Golan and Globus released separate from Cannon) and Death Wish 3. Oh yeah, one thing I should mention David Axelrod, an actor I know from Tim and Eric shows up as a security guard who almost gets his head knocked off. according to his IMDB, he has voiced a lot of Anime and even had a bit part in Lady Terminator and played a Paul McCartney impersonator on Family Matters. I've neglected to review many Cannon Films for some reason, mainly because I'm trying to cover only Deep Red related shit. More 80's trash will show up eventually--stay tuned.

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