2019 is Italy’s answer to the the success of John Carpenters’
Escape from New York. It’s directed by Sergio “Mountain of the Cannibal God”
Martino. Martino didn’t just take the job for quick buck, he brings his A game
thus making a movie that in my opinion may be inferior but just as entertaining as
JC’s Escape. This is actor Michael Sopkiw’s first film playing Parsifal aka “Fake”
Plisskin.
"oops, forgot my eye patch."
SNL news with Dennis Miller!
The Earth is a total wasteland all because of E.U.R.A.K (the Euro Afro Asian Unity) monarchy
who dropped a nuclear weapon destroying almost all humanity. Which begs the
question where were the Eurak’s when the bomb was dropped? The Eurak’s have set
up their base in New York City where they rule and look for ways to procreate.
You see when they nuked everything the radiation was so bad that not one human is
fertile. When we meet our hero he’s competing in some kind of death race 2000 I
guess you could say! As winner, the mutants of the Nevada dessert cheer and
chant his name. Then a freaky robotic clown announces that he has won his own
sex slave. He takes her on his futuristic motorcycle into the dystopian
wasteland. Instead of getting down and dirty he sets her free, whichis what you do if you love something, right?
Parsifal then gets abducted by a spaceship and brought to Alaska. That’s where the
Rebel Federation has set up their base. It's very Hoth like, but there are no Taun
Tauns or Wampas to be found, just cheap looking models that wouldn’t fool your
3 year old brother.
The Alaska play set, Spaceship not included.
Among the Rebel Federation is the dreamy Edmund Purdom
playing the President of the Pan American Confederacy. I say dreamy Edmund
Purdom because Theater of Gut’s President and head writer Crankenstein just
loves this guy (he’s smitten). It’s more of an inside joke actually but he seriously
wouldn’t shut up about Purdom after watching Pieces for a whole week. So now
that the rebels have Parsifal, President Purdom gives him an offer he can’t
refuse. The mission is to sneak into NYC undetected and find the one fertile
female before the Eurak’s do. In return for his services he is offered a seat on
a spacecraft that will head to another planet, where life can start over
contamination free. This plan will only work of course if he gets the girl. However, they don’t send him alone, two very special helpers are assigned to aid him. Bronx (Paolo
Maria Scalondro) is the navigator, he is an ex resident of the city and knows
his way around. Ratchet (Romano Puppo) is extra muscle and has lots of special
skills to kick butt.
Along the way they encounter the Rat Eater King and his
merry rat eaters. From that group they take in Giana, (Valentine Monnier). Also
helping them is a little person appropriately named Shorty who is key in
helping them locate the girl they seek. Another key player is Big Ape (George
Eastman), they meet him hanging out with whole group of half man, half monkey
men. Eastman was reluctant to play the role because of the makeup he had to
wear but after the movie came out was glad he did, and I am too. Who else could’ve
played that role?
Little People, Nuked Worldthereality show
"You think I should trim my eyebrows?"
After the Fall of NY on Broadway!
2019 is one of those post-nuke science fiction Italian
movies that really delivers. Martino never lets the film drag. The sets are
cheap but fun and interesting as our heroes navigate through the remains of
NYC. It also contains some nice stunt work with lots of explosions and even a
little gore here and there. Oliver Onions provides a mostly electronic score.
Actually the credits say “with original music by Oliver Onions”, because we
also get some music stolen from Margeriti’s Yor Hunter from the Future as a
bonus. There is also a poor mutant bum (James Sampson) that
plays the trumpet over the opening credits but Martino didn’t pay him. He only
lives off the gratuity of tourists.
"Welcome to the 2019 McDonalds."
My Big Fat Post Nuke Apocalypse Wedding
"I'm Issac Hayes' stunt double."
"Ratz off 2 Ya!"
"Don't cry just because Warwick Davis got the role of Willow 2: Lost in NYC."
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"Remember those two old bucks up above the falls, who were buttin' each other until they locked horns and they couldn't get loose...they died that way."
-the words of Jake "Tiger" Sharp to his old rival Tom
"Can't we all just get along?"
Directed by Lamberto Bava 1984
Blastfighter aka "Mustache vs Beard!" At least that's what I call it! Well, not really. It stars Michael Sopkiw who is sporting the stash and the bearded one is none other than George Eastman. (Drop an Eastman movie title in the comment section where he doesn't have a beard! Can you?) The two previously worked together in Martino's2019 After the Fall of New York and are back in this Lamberto Bava genre mash up. I think ultimately Blastfighter is an action movie at heart but throw in all the exploitation elements that Italian cinema is known for and the results are mind blowing.
"Say hello to my big friend."
Sopkiw is Jake "Tiger" Sharp, an ex cop who got in way over his head. The film begins with the heart pumping sounds of Fabio Frizzi's theme as Tiger is released from the slammer after serving eight years. While on the force he witnessed one of his fellow officers gunned down in cold blood by some goon. Unfortunately that goon was on a corrupt politician's pay roll and heads to Tiger's place to kill him. Tiger isn't at home but his wife is and the deviant brutally stabs her in the neck. With the politician's protection and no where to turn Tiger makes the decision to have his revenge and blows the criminal away, causing him to not pass GO, sending him directly to jail. Now out of prison, a close friend of his from the police force gives him the ultimate weapon so he can blow this politician straight to hell. Tiger seeks him out looks through the scope but can't do it. He decides revenge will not put him at ease and heads to his old home town out in the country to live out his life peacefully, but this is where the real problems begin.
"I killed your wife, nanny nanny, boo boo!"
While he's driving we hear Tommie Baby's country cover of "Evening Star", originally composed by Barry, Robin, and Maurice Gibb! As soon as he gets into town and stops off for a few groceries the locals stare at him with unapproved. Not only that, but banjo boy Billy Redden from "Deliverance" is even there making a cameo. Tiger or Tige for short goes up to his cabin of solitude and with his new 'blastfighter' of a weapon goes on a little hunt. Three other assholes cross his path and shoot a deer but won't put it out of its misery. Tiger saves its fawn and takes it up to his house to take care of it. He drives the animal into town to purchase a baby bottle. When he comes back to his car the locals have cut the deer's throat. This means war and he easily kicks redneck ass. This puts him back in the local jail but he's bailed out by an old friend, Tom.(Eastman) The two men who once were best buddies had a falling out and Tom lays down the law for Tige. The reason the hunters never actually killed the deer while hunting is that an Asian poacher uses the half dead animals to make medicines. He pays good money to these yokels and Tom is in on the cut aside from running a lucrative saw mill. One of those three hunters from earlier is Tom's little brother Wally, and he makes it his official duty to make Tiger's life miserable, even going as far to sabotage his brakes. For his actions Tiger strikes back, pushing Wally's hunting truck down a hill. This pisses off Wally and his barefooted overall wearing friends even more. (Hell, they deserved it!)
Dueling Groceries
Who killed Bambi?
Buck Lo Mein
A strange pretty lady shows up at Tiger's place and for some reason won't identify herself. We find out later that she is Tiger's daughter Connie and she wants to be part of his life. Connie is played by Valentin Forte who also hooked up with Ruggero Deodato (in more ways than one) for the films Cut and Run and Body Count. Tige tries to push Connie away feeling sorry for himself, exclaiming that he's not a good father and a failure at life. He gets some more support when his cop buddy from earlier shows up, the one who gave him the gun or blastfighter if you will, and a friend of Connie's who's a park ranger in training. Pete the ranger is played by none other than Michele "The Church" Soavi. Tiger now comes to his senses and decides it's time to leave and start fresh with his family and friends, but is it too late? Tom's prick brother rolls barrels of fire down the mountain setting their transportation on fire. All the rednecks from town have come together to kill Tiger and his friends and they do kill Tige's cop buddy and Pete the wannabe ranger. They almost even rape Connie. Tiger's had enough and with his massive weapon he goes on a hunt of his own, the hunt for an entire town of redneck pricks!
"I like turtles"
It's the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
This movie works very well as a revenge film. Bava pulls all the strings to make the viewer pissed and keeps you rooting for Tiger all the way. The dialogue is pretty dopey throughout but I did find a few tender moments and some real chemistry between Tiger and Connie as the father and daughter.
You won't want to miss the finale when Jake "Tiger" Sharp goes head to head with fifty plus rednecks and has a final showdown with George "Big Ape" Eastman!
A little First Blood, a little Deliverance, with maybe a touch of Bambi, this all-star cast is directed to perfection by Lamberto Bava.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED 10/10 ON THE CULT-O-METER
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A quick personal note. Really I promise it'll be quick. I had just seen Demons for the first time and therefor was now familiar with the name of Lamberto Bava. The next summer I was on vacation with the folks in North Carolina bored out of my mind. I went to the local video store, then imagine the joy of seeing a Jaws rip off showcased in the VidMark Big Box, and it being directed by Lamberto Bava. The night was anything but pleasant. I've resented that viewing experience my entire life. I've finally had the courage to watch the film again but this time I watched the alternate version titled Monster Shark. It still sucks, but being the Michael Sopkiw megafan I've now become, it was a lot more fun and I already had low expectations.
If you like Deviled eggs you'll love Devil Fish!
The film starts with a chopper flying over the ocean, then it pulls a man with his legs chewed off out of the water. You know I'm really sick of these movie monsters being so wasteful! If you're a hungry monster, you could at least eat more than just the legs, that's a whole torso wasted. Don't these monsters know kids are starving in Ethiopia.
"You can't see from this angle that my butt's missing too."
Monster Shark is Michael Sopkiw's third starring role. He plays Peter, a studly genius who makes radio and computer technology for a pair of marine biologists. He'll probably even fix your TV too! One of these scientists is a British beer drinking know it all and the other is a praying mantis.(she's really skinny) The thin but hot dolphin training love interest is a real dickens, Dr. Stella Dickens that is! We first meet her while she's training a dolphin named Donald, I wonder if the in the Italian version it's Donatello? Dr. Stella is played by french actress Valentine Monnier. She was Sopkiw's gal pal in 2019 After the Fall of New York and their chemistry on screen got her this role as well.
Life Aquatic with Peter Zissou
"Every time I swim it's literally Skinny Dipping."
"This new Don Johnson album rocks!"
Monster Shark maybe a Jaws rip off (as the fish's theme definitely suggests) but this shark squid mutant isn't scaring tourists away or shutting down any annual festivals. He's actual even more of a menace with his tentacles than his teeth but Tentacles is another title that was already taken. This sharktopus was man made. There's another troublemaker in this film besides the fish, Dr. Davis Barker, a money hungry scientist from West Ocean International (W.O.I.) created it as a weapon to sell to the highest bidder. Not only that but he's sleeping with the head of W.O.I.'s wife, Professor Donald West. To protect his investment Dr. Davis has hired thug named Miller and he's running around knocking off anyone whose digging for clues putting Peter, Stella, and the rest of the marine team in danger. They discover that the super fish can regenerate it's cells. Which means if they blow it up all it's pieces will make hundreds of little devil fish. Peter uses a device to recreate the fish's own sound in order to lure into shallow water. The Coast Guard and local police will be waiting for the devil fish with gasoline and blow torches. Will Dr. Davis's mob squad snuff out Peter and will the Police be able to burn the monster until not one regenerating cell is left? Who Cares! :)
WOI vey
"I'm Dr. Davis Frankenfish"
"I can't find my swim trunks."
Next on the Sci-Fi Channel it's Sharktopus vs. Ravioli-Saurus
Devil Fish aka Monster Sharkis a monster turd no doubt. I think the
project may have been an excuse for Italy’s bad boys of film to take a trip to
Florida.When Italians go to Florida
they have way too much fun hanging out at the beaches and they don’t spend
enough time making good films. Two Italian/ South Florida movies are Ruggero Deodato’s
Raiders of Atlantis (many will disagree with me that this film doesn't suck) and Alberto De Martino's Miami
Golem, both great ideas with potential but guilty of sucking. Director Lamberto
Bava has made some classics but directing this crap under the name John Old Jr.
is one of his epic failures. The Assistant director is none other than hack master Bruno
Mattei aka Gilbert Roussel. The Story is by Martin Dolman (Sergio Martino’s
director aka for 2019 After the Fall of NY) , Lewis Coates (Lugi Cozzi’s
director aka for Contamination and Dean Lewis.(Dean Lewis? A Mystery Italian?) The actual
screenplay was penned by four different writers including Dardano “Zombie”
Saccchetti. Composer Fabio Frizzi aka Antony Barrymore does the score, which
isn’t horrible, it’s actual quite good but it just doesn’t really fit this
film. Funny that he scored Blastfighter under the name Andrew Barrymore and in
the credits for this one he’s Antony.One
Conspiracy theory is that Frizzi had a split personality and wanted to start a
company run bytwo talented brothers
that will score film’s known as the Super Barrymore Bros.
Floridians are the Pollo of the Sea
Devil Fish the video game by Commodore 64
If you thought that I wasn’t going to mention the MST3K
version of Devil Fish you thought wrong! It’s one of my favorite episodes and serves
this movie right. The only major differences between the two are that scenes
are arranged in a different order and there’s a fair amount of nudity in the uncut
version. My only issue with the riffing is that Mike and the bots repeatably peg Sopkiw as a European when he was born in Connecticut, USA.
MOVIE SIGN!
4 /10 on the CULT-O-METER
Almost fun, for Sopkiw fanatics only
Stick with the MST3K version you know that’s 10 of out 10!
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Let us begin with the star of this epic jungle romp, Michael
Sopkiw. The Model turned actor starred in four Italian productions and this was
his last. I’m not going to lie, I do have a bit of a man crush on Sopkiw, but
there are always certain dudes in film we love to watch in macho action films.
Harrison Ford representing the A list, Bruce Campbell for the B list and
Michael Sopkiw for the Z. Massacre in Dinosaur Valley has been marketed as an
Indiana Jones style adventure film and a cannibal film, it was even given the
title Cannibal Ferox II in some countries but I assure you no animals were
harmed in the making of this film.(not entirely true) It does a good job of blending the elements of
an adventure film and the Italian cannibal films we love so much. Well, it has it all really! Like quick sand,
piranhas, white slave traders, a sadistic lesbian, it also showcases beautiful
women naked throughout.If you haven’t
seen it, you should probably just close this review and go buy it right now!
Three's Company in the Jungle
The sexy Eva (Suzane Carvalho) rides into a small village
with her father. Her dad is a professor and author of many books on anthropology.
They are there to explore the forbidden valley of the Dinosaurs. The Professor (Leonidas Bayer) charters a
flight along with an ex Vietnam vet and his drunk wife, whose always giving him
a “hard” time about not being able to get it up. Also on board, two gorgeous
models and their photographer for some sleaze ball magazine. The plane is fully
booked, so how does bone finder Kevin Hall (Sopkiw) from the Boston Institute of Paleontology manage to get on board?He overhears the captain mention that their
stop in the valley of the dinosaurs is a protected preserve and an illegal destination so he uses that
to blackmail the pilot for a seat on the floor.
"Let me on the plane...please!"
"I'm Dog the bone hunter"
Why is this valley such a big deal? Well because many who go
there never return. Rumor has it that there's a curse. Is the curse of this
sacred valley real? I’m convinced it is! As soon as they even get near the
location, the plane gets all screwy and the pilot loses all control, I’m sure it
has nothing to do with the pilot's drinking. The plane crashes as we witness a
toy model being thrown around in someone’s backyard. OK, maybe the crash
effects aren’t quite that bad but the inside of the plane looks like it
has Ed Wood written all over it. The plane is wrecked and sadly lives are lost
including the professor, a model, and the pilot. The Vietnam vet and former Captain, John
Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) takes over immediately after the crash. He boasts that he knows jungle
survival and willkeep everyone safe. He exclaims
something like, “…all jungles are the same, what’s the difference? We’re just
replacing Gooks with Indianos.” (Indianos is Italian for Indian) He unsympathetically rushes those with dead loved
ones to stop mourning and Eva watches her father breath his last breath and die.
Now the fun begins!
"Before I die, will my daughter get my sky miles?"
"I feel like I'm being watched."
Captain Heinz is clearly the alpha male here and Kevin tucks
his tail under his legs, for now. Heinz takes the survivors down a trail that
follows a river. When they start to hear animal noises Kevin warns them that these
are the sounds of the Aquara (Aquara? not a real tribe) Indians surrounding them. The photographer sadly
falls prey to piranha and loses his leg. When he makes too much noise, Heinz
stabs him through the back to shut him up. Kevin attacks Heinz
for his heinous act but unfortunately gets knocked down a water slide of rocks separating him from the
group. Don’t worry though he’s OK and even manages to barely get away from a
hungry crocodile looking for some lunch.(oh crikey) The Captain and his wife get attacked by the natives and shortly after Eva and Belinda, (Susan Hahn) the modelget captured. Betty Heinz, (Marta Anderson) the vet's wife falls victim to
quicksand. This attack becomes one war the ex-soldier Mr. Heinz can’t come out of alive, he’s hit with
about 5 or 6 arrows and pinned up against a tree. The chief stabs him in the
chest and pulls out a piece of his entrails for a little snack. A little while later Kevin rescues the ladies from the cannibals. He disrupts a ceremony in which a shaman wearing a
triceratops headdress is using Eva and Belinda in a barbaric ritual . Kevin hijacks one of the tribe's canoes, so the cannibals set up a giant net further down the river and with three shotgun shells left Kevin shoots the net and he hits the Indian’s chief causing them to
retreat back to their camp.
Tricera-TopHat!
Pull my finger!
"Made you look!"
You might think the worst is over, nope. While takinga breather and admiring some fossilized foot
prints an evil miner and slave trader shows up named China. (Carlos Imperial) He takes them as
hostages tying up Kevin in a pig pen and he rapes Eva. China's evil lesbian sidekick
has relations with Belinda because she promises that she can help her escape. However, no
more than ten feet away from her cell China shoots her the back multiple times.
How will Kevin escape and save Eva from this fat bastard?! You’ll just to spend
a day or two in the valley and see for yourself.
"Sorry just mud water to drink, no wheat grass juice."
"This hog's gonna bite my hog!"
"Give us some damn privacy, now!"
There is a massacre and a valley of the dinosaurs so this is
one title that lives up to its name. Just don't expect any actually living Dinos. It’s a jungle adventure only hindered by
it’s budget. The director Michele Massimo Tarantini aka Michael E. Lemick was thinking big and keeps the pace moving at full
throttle and when it does slow down it’s only because it’s being padded out
with naked women.
Can’t recommend enough
10/10 on the CULT-O-METER
Professor Pedro Ibanezis is dead but his books live on, don't forget to read, "Dynamics of Evolution" "Paleozoic Etymology" "On the Trail of the Last Dinosaurs"
And watch our Tribute Video! The Professor would have wanted it that way.
