The Seventh Curse

The Seventh Curse (Yuan Zhen-Xia yu Wei Si-Li) Directed by Ngai Choi Lam. Starring Chow Yun Fat. (1986).

Ngai Choi Lam is one of the most underrated directors that everyone should know; I mean he directed one of the most insane prison splatter epics on the planet, Story Of Ricky! That film is possibly one of the most seen Hong Kong shock-a-thons, but that was in 1991 and he used the pseudonym Simon Nam. The Seventh Curse starts out in what looks like an Asian Garth Marenghi or SnuffBox (Those series were most likely influenced by this film). A philanthropist cracks open the wine bottles and the horror stories start flowing. Two adventures looking for fortune and glory invade the treacherous jungles of Thailand and encounter the Worm Tribe and a hot Amazonian girl named Betsy. She is chosen to be sacrificed by a demented chief whose powers of sorcery include hurling evil monster babies at people that materialize out of green light and feast on your living organs. That baby burrows a hole through this dude’s chest Alien style!

Dr. Yuan (Chin Sou-Hou) and Dr. Wisley(Chow-Yun Fat) play the archeologists. Dr. Wiseley is hardly in the film, they should have credited him with a special guest appearance. That doesn’t really matter because Dr. Yuan, the over sized glasses wearing geek is way more entertaining. He falls in love with Betsy (she pops out of the water wearing a wet t-shirt leaving nothing to the imagination), and as a result contracts "The Curse". His whole body becomes a blood bursting pimple and by the seventh pop he will explode! Betsy takes pity on him and in a weird effort to cure him cuts a slice off her breast and feeds him a “Titty McNugget”, this works for one year. It just gets more psychedelic from that point. There's a skeleton with light up bugged out eyes known as the "Old Ancestor" that transforms into a giant Crocodile. The team also end up face to face with a giant purple Buddha that's eyes flood the castle. Highly Recommended!     

WATCH HERE

Her Vengeance

 Her Veangence (Xue Mei Gui, Bloody Rose) (1988)Directed by Nam Nai Choi Starring Pauline Wong.
      It starts off with bunch of drunk gangsters rickshawing around a sleazy HK town then stopping in to check out the Vegas Can Can show. The music is extremely wacky!
Chieh-Ying (Pauline Wong from Mr. Vampire) plays the heroine. She is followed by the stalkers and beaten to a bloody mess, then sexually assaulted by the gang (this rape scene must have been lost or something because the video quality is muddy looking). One of them leaves his lighter behind, a very dumb move, because it has an address that leads her to them. She later goes to see a gynecologist for her vaginal trauma. The Doctor tells her in a viciously blunt way that she has AIDS (he's a little too indiscreet and tells her it can be cured with a lot of money)! She flips out and beats the shit out of him. Ying confides in her blind sister, who is very introspective and even tells her to kill the bastards.
      All the men in this film are oversexed gamblers and the women have no choice but to seek retaliation. She tracks down the first scumbag at the "San Francisco Club". It turns out to be the wrong guy and she smashes his face with a bottle accidentally. It does however lead to a job working for her sister's old boyfriend Hsiang (a unibrow-less Ching-Ying Lam). Lam is a total badass and fights in a wheel chair (but doesn't use his usual sorcery to battle anyone like in Magic Cop or Mr. Vampire). Chieh-Ying has an obvious chip on her shoulder, but also feels that she needs to prove something to her blind sister and Hsiang, her current manager, because she fears looking weak. 
     Cheih uses her new prostitute friends to lure in some of the gangsters toward the "SF Club" because none of them really hang out there. She traps one of the gangsters called Longfellow (who incessantly giggles, sticking his teeth out like a horse). She snips his ear off with scissors then strangles him (again this scene must have been edited out for the mainstream market because the film quality changes). Cheih tricks another dumb gangster into thinking he's inheriting insurance money, she throws acid in his face but fails to murder him. The gangsters are up to sinister antics and later, dope up girls and shoot underage porn.The acid faced rapist slices Chieh's roomate with a straight razor and her sister ends up being thrown off a balcony. 
       There's a crazy death defying wheelchair montage as Hsiang and Cheih start to respect one another and they eventually form an alliance. There's a cool montage as they build traps and weapons to take down the scumfuck rapists.They set up the SF Club as a death trap full of boiling oil, flying arrows and general carnage. The last 20 minutes drop in film quality, so they must have cut out the violent ending, how could they justify that? See the uncut version only.    
        Chas Balun compared this to "I Spit On Your Grave", its totally unrelated. Cheih- Ying should have seen MS. 45 to see that all you need is some lipstick and a gun to enact quick revenge and not kill all of your friends in the process.   
 This one has a nice balance of quality action and sleaze that fans of either genre can enjoy. The dramatic elements work and draw you in and I never felt they were awkward among the excessive violence.  

1988 Fashions

WATCH HERE

Night Of The Seagulls

Night Of The Seagulls Directed by Amando De Ossorio (1975) Starring The Blind Dead

       This is the fourth sequel in the exciting exploits of the mysterious Templar Knights, this time they haunt a creepy fishing village. They worship an amphibian god that looks just like Frog from "Frog and Toad Are Friends" when he got stuck in an ice cream mishap! The beginning starts off with the famous motley crew of bearded mummies in their younger incarnation. There's an evil lair with devil stars, scary candles and a frightening song that sounds like The Morlocks (from H.G. Welles) singing The Omen theme. After three other films in the cannon, you think we'd learn something new and interesting about the ominous hooded zombies that ride on living horses, you learn nothing! 
       I have lots of unanswered questions, like why do they look like the KKK? Why do they feed virgins to giant crabs and also rip out beating hearts and feed it to the stone monument of their God? Just simple shit I should have known already after waiting this long. I am a big fan of the original Tombs of The Blind Dead (that one at least is in Spanish with subtitles). All the other sequels seem to have those ear splitting vocal artists overdubbing the actors. There is a leering hunchback with a head wound and a conspiracy of townspeople that sacrifice their daughters to the Blind Dead and chain the poor girls to rocks. When they all show up on the beach they look like they are entering a Death from The Seventh Seal lookalike contest! This is the most popular sequel for some unknown reason (Cathedral have written alot of songs based on it), it does have an awesome title. The seagulls never help out at all, they could just have called it Night of The Horseshoe Crabs! So I defy you to stay awake! (it's that dull) just make sure you wake up to see the Blind Dead finally die and one by one their eyeballs gush out a gallon of red poster paint.This isn't even the worst sequel, that reward goes to Horror Of The Zombies which has models on a boat being tormented by skeletons on wires.

ZZZZ WATCH HERE ZZZZZZZ

Christmas Reviews Part 1

Here's Mr. Mountain (AKA Goat Scrote)'s Christmas roundup of Netflix Instant Xmas Themed reviews! Take it away Goaty!

 We are approaching the holiday season, and I’m going to let you in on one of my little quirks. I absolutely adore Christmas-themed horror movies. I could explain why, but you’re not here to be my therapist, you’re here for movies!

 SAINT NICK (2010) Directed By Dick Maas (Har! Really?)

“Saint Nick” (aka “Saint” or “Sint”) is a fun popcorn flick from the Netherlands. It seems that old Saint Nick is an undead monster with a grudge, and he returns whenever there is a full moon on the 5^th of December. Before Coca Cola got their hands on the legend and cleaned it up, jolly old Saint Nick was accompanied by a counterpart who meted out punishments to bad children: The sadistic Black Pete who carried children away in his sack, or a demonic creature called Krampus who could swing a pretty mean faggot. (That’s a bundle of sticks. What did you think I meant?) Anyway, check  it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companions_of_Saint_Nicholas for more on that. In this flick his helpers are a bunch of horribly burned axe-wielding undead sailors. They don’t really give a fuck about naughty or nice, and they aren’t here to deliver presents. It reminded me a little bit of John Carpenter’s “The Fog”, but without the creepy claustrophobic vibe.

Saint Nick rides around Amsterdam on his magic white horse with his evil posse in tow, dispensing violence and terror everywhere they go. A disgraced cop and a fugitive who is being blamed for Santa’s crimes are the only ones who can stop him. There’s plenty of bloody action, high body count, some messy kills, entertaining special effects, and slightly cheesy dubbing. It’s not in the least bit scary but it still has the ingredients for a brainless holiday good time. (I thought I would mention that Saint Nick looks suspiciously like the Anti Pope Singer from Ghost. ed)

Available streaming on Netflix.

RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE (2010) Directed by Jalmari Helander

                Next in the line-up is “Rare Exports”, another foreign Christmas-themed flick, this time from Finland. An eccentric millionaire has undertaken a project to unearth Santa Claus – a horned Krampus-like figure - from his ancient burial mound. Weeks later, the locals are in the middle of their annual reindeer round-up, except it turns out something has slaughtered all the reindeer. Only one kid, Pietari, sees the signs and understands what is happening, but no one cares what he thinks. On the other hand, he IS allowed to carry around a shotgun wherever he goes, so that’s a plus.

                Christmas day arrives, and strange things are going on in the village. A creepy (and very nude) old man is caught in a pungi pit meant for wolves, but the tough old cuss refuses to die. Turns out he has been abducting the naughty children of the village, and he was interrupted on his way to snatch Pietari. Pretty soon even the skeptical adults realize that they are dealing with something out of the ordinary. When they attempt to sell Santa back to the men who dug him up in the first place, things do not go as planned. Surprise surprise, it turns out Santa has helpers…

                Right around now, Pietari goes into action hero mode and comes up with a plan to save the day. There’s a whole bunch of full-frontal old-man nudity, a big explosion, and a denouement where Santa’s helpers go through pretty much the weirdest career re-training program ever.

                It’s an odd little movie. There’s too much death and way too many penises for it to be kid’s fare, but probably not enough gruesomeness to really excite horror fans. I was hoping for Santa to open up a serious can of whoop-ass at some point, so that was a little disappointing. Even so, I enjoyed it as a peculiar change of pace.

                Available streaming on Netflix.

 SANTA’S SLAY (2005) Directed by David Steiman

                This one is definitely a comedy with not so much horror, but it fits well with the theme established by the previous two movies: Santa is a supernatural evil force who shows up to wreak yuletide havoc. We open at Christmas dinner with a snotty rich family featuring James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. Santa (super-hot Bill Goldberg, of pro-wrestling fame) comes busting out of the chimney, kicks the dog to show he means business, sets Fran Drescher on fire (that’s one item scratched off my Christmas wish list), kills James Caan with a turkey drumstick, and generally fucks up Christmas for everybody. Rad.

                This is by far the best part of the movie, so if you turn it off after the first five minutes you’re not really missing much. In a backwater burg called Hell Township, our young protagonist Nicolas learns the truth about Santa from his wacked out inventor grandfather. You see, Santa is actually the son of Satan, and he lost a bet with an angel which required him to be nice for 1000 years. Now the millennium is up and he’s celebrating with a killing spree. Strippers are terrorized, testicles are tasered, a man is impaled with a menorah, and not-so-witty one-liners are exchanged. The fight scene at the strip club is fun, at least. Santa spends most of his time chasing around the hero and his girlfriend for no particular reason. Spoilers: The good guys win; The hero gets the girl; Valuable life lessons are learned.

                Personally, I was rooting for Goldberg to slaughter everyone. Oh well. Maybe next Christmas. Available on DVD

Thanks alot Goat Scrote

The Suckling

 

 The Suckling (Or Sewage Baby) Directed by Francis Teri (1990) Starring Lisa Petruno      

After subjecting myself to the depths of the vilest wickedly cruel garbage on the planet I decided I’d decompress and watch something less offensive. I needed to escape from the self inflicted slime pit and review something wholesome or at least universally despised! Like Steve Harvey would say “Folks be hatin the Suckling!” Does the Suckling Suck? You be the judge! I needed a breather from Nazi’s Cannibals and extremely hairy Italian beavers!, for at least one post!

All the “actors” associated with The Suckling have no other credits, It’s almost as if they all left the acting world and decided to work in a dank warehouse or a dirty gas station then lose their dignity again and work in low budget Hollywood!  Even the director made this, acted in something called “Flesh Eating Mothers” and was never seen or heard from again (somebody should track him down, he’s most likely a janitor at a Community College)!

Michael Gingold, one of the head honcho’s at classic Fangoria played the Suckling and wrote some other dreadful horror flicks. He did some of the commentary for one of the 42 Street Forever DVD’s.  
Big Mama, an ugly clownish prostitute madam runs an abortion clinic. A soggy haired blonde (Lisa Petruno) visits a weird sex club and then shows up at Big Mama’s House (Martin Lawrence would later take on this successful role for that franchise).The place is filled with all kinds of lurid women, my favorite being Cheryl, who looks like a real hooker with a bleached blonde wig and is very sarcastic. Almost everything she says sounds like a filthy version of “Mad magazine’s Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Meanwhile a fake Rae Dawn Chong gives birth to the suckling, and in one of the most inspired scenes, the infant gets flushed down the toilet (with its tiny umbilicle cord trailing behind it). The baby flips around in the sewer and starts morphing as the latex air pockets expand and contract,it grows and mutates for awhile.  Then promptly returns and rips its mother’s head off. Later it traps all of the characters in the crummy brothel and they all bicker like a seedy version of “Monsters are Due On Maple Street”. The hookers, managers and johns are all trapped together. One yuppie starts whining about his BMW and everyone volunteers him as the guy who breaks them out of the house with a chisel. I should mention that this one guy (none of them are credited on IMDB) looks like Marvin of Wendy, Marvin and Wonderdog on the Superfriends, him and the Cheryl character have the best lines!  The gnarled tentacles start rising up from the toilet and wrapping around legs and killing customers. I can only describe the Suckling as looking like a “Googly Eyed Predator” with long candy corn teeth and the ability to turn back into a baby and crawl up wombs. It blinks in the most adorable way. There are some hysterical stop motion scenes and firecracker bullets. Some of the stop motion looks like Art Clokey took a dump on it. The last half of the movie has everyone working together to claw their way out of the house (nobody picks up the phone to get help, keep in mind)! These are the dregs of society after all, so of course no one would be able to figure that out, brilliant work Francis Teri!

Make sure you are nice and fried, I suggest a few beers and some valium, because people have complained how shitty this flick is on IMDB , they haven’t seen The Boneyard! That flick makes The Suckling look like Street Trash!

WATCH HERE

Gestapo's Last Orgy

Gestapo's Last Orgy ( Caligula Reincarnated as Hitler) Directed By Cesare Canevari (1977).

    I used to hate the Naziploitation genre and would always avoid them (probably because I have a guilty conscience)! But after breaking down and watching all the Ilsa She Wolf Of the SS sequels and finding them to be a laugh riot! I figured I'd crackdown and review one for the blog. As vile and gruesome as this films can get you must always remember the "Last House" Mantra (It's only a movie....) and these aren't actual Nazis, so it's all done in good fun right? This one is pretty mean spirited!  it really gets under your skin, it sunk into my subconscious in the same way that baby puppet from A Serbian Film did. At first me and Skunkape were laughing it up as we watched Serbian Film together, but then it started to fester in our minds. Nice job Cesare Canevari just like that last film you've successfully mind fucked me up!
      This is supposedly a rip off of the highly regarded Criterion collection Nazi epic The Night Porter, so already I'm on board. It isn't quite that at all though!
       Commandant Starker (Adriano Micantoni), who looks to me like Martin Balsam meets up with his old girlfriend at a secluded mountain location. After that we are taken to a room full of naked prisoners and naked Nazi recruits (one wears a cast and puts his thumb up another soldier's butt)! they are shown a truly bizarre slide show of propaganda (incest, coprophagia, and a starving girl eating dog food) they are told these Jews are beneath contempt. The men seemed turned on by the footage and are instructed never to fornicate with a jew. After that display a "Laugh Inn" style orgy ensues with funny zoom ins, faster than you can say Sock it To Me!
        After that bit of hypocrisy, pregnant women are led into a furnace. The female prisoners (besides the ugly extras) all look like Italian fashion models many of them are very Aryan for supposedly Jewish women.There's melodramatic music all throughout Last Orgy. The female commander greets her women prisoners by checking which one is on her period then feeding the right one to hungry dobermans. This movie is so over the top and reprehensible that it doesn't disturb as much as become comical (but I realize that I am completely desensitized)! The table scene with all the Nazi's theorizing their retarded master race logic reminds me of the same morons talking about white supremacy in Farewell Uncle Tom.
       The Nazis all enjoy an actual cannibal feast of death camp prisoners as all the fashion models in the background faint! There is some hardcore jaded scenes in this Nazi-fetish creep fest and many scenes look like Mort Kunstler Nazi pulp artwork. The Night Porter elements are impossible to find, but there is an underlining cryptic pseudo love story (I didn't buy the bullshit this one or the Criterion one was selling)! This film is only watchable because it's all presented in high quality and the Nazi sex elements really grind on my nerves. The commander of the female prison area dominates Starker as he picks on a defensive blonde who pisses everyone off because she never shows any emotion. She is hung upside down naked while rats eat her vomit.  It turns out she is completely withdrawn and almost catatonic after the trauma seeing her family being killed and she blames herself. Boo Fucking Hoo! She is German apparently, (which doesn't make sense to me why they would torture one of their own losers). Maybe something was lost in the translation! The last ten minutes take a turn for the melodramatic as Lise rationalizes about the peace and testimony that Nazi germany will bring to the world!!? What the Fuck? She ditches her Nazi boyfriend for some dude in a soiled wig. It all seems tacked on and reminds me of the bullshit positive message added to the last couple minutes of Faces Of Death, just completely out of place and repulsive! Then again if you were here for an Auschwitz style soap opera you should go die. Von Starker is humiliating Lise behind her back unlike The Night Porter and there is no relationship between them.
    I don't believe that any film should be banned like this one was, because it just has the reverse effect and the public will only want to watch it more and seek it out. There's absolutely no reason a vile film like this should exist and I can't image why you'd want to subject yourself to it. That being said as ugly as this film gets, it never reaches the pinnacle of sickness and dread that films like Cannibal Holocaust and Man Behind the Sun have given me but it truly is offensive. Enjoy!

I'm Mr. Magorium Willkommen to my Imporium

The Devil's Honey

 The Devil's Honey Directed by Lucio Fulci (1986) Starring Stefano Madia
    Like most Italian horror fans I've seen all the best (Gates of Hell, The Beyond, Zombi 2) and the worst (Conquest, Sweet House of Horrors, Murder Rock) of the Fulci catalog.
       The Devil's Honey is so ridiculously raunchy that it's both horrible and awesome at the same time! I remember seeing this late one night on Cinemax during middle school in 1987. It's been impossible to find ever since! At the time it wasn't available at any video stores and I never felt like tracking down this cheesy Italian soft porn. Although I'm glad I did now because there are some weird images stuck in my head that I wasn't sure if I imagined them or not! For instance there's a scene where a girl wearing stockings up to her belly button, paints and fingers herself with nail polish! Or a guy gets a handjob while riding a motorcycle with his girlfriend played by Blanca Marsillach.
        This is Fulci's take on 9 & 1/2 Weeks. Johnny played by Stefan Madia's saxophone exudes sexual powers so mind blowingly erotic that they would peel the panties off a dead nun! He is the fake 80's era Mickey Rourke of the Fulci world and blows his sax up his girlfriend Jessica's cooch (she gyrates on it like a baboon in heat)! The saxophone music sounds like Whamm or Sade. Nothing about this movie reads Fulci, kinda how Crimes of Passion doesn't really read Ken Russell, but both are extremely entertaining in a sleazy eurotrash way! All the women in this film have an Ashlyn Gere, Diane Franklin attractiveness. 
Brett Halsey plays a surgeon who hates his wife played by Corrine Clery (Yor, Moonraker). He becomes the object of Jessica's hatred after her boyfriend dies in an accident. She loses her mind and humiliates the poor surgeon and the scriptwriter has made a great deal of effort to make him look like a shitty person.The surgeon is addicted to prostitutes and constantly berates his wife. Jessica traps him in her apartment, bonks him with an axe handle, sics a German Shepard on him and makes him piss his pants. Later on she makes him eat dog food and gets increasingly more demented! The end of the film starts to catch up with Jessica's warped mind as she escapes into the past and her boyfriend may not have been as great as the audience is lead to believe.      
I have the feeling this film might get taken down soon, but check it out if you want to feel like a pervy 12 year old watching bad soft core late night on cable in the 80's.

Motorcycle handjob

NOW ON BLU-RAY FROM SEVERIN